I've discovered he watches porn. How do I deal with this?

[clarabellew]

My partner and I have been together for two years. We are both 36, have a house together and two children each. We are fairly active sexually and have no issues.

On Saturday evening, when he used the internet on his phone, I noticed on the drop down list an entry for pornhub.com, something about 'page six'. I questioned him, in front of the kids, and he said it must be from something dodgy the kids did earlier. I asked him again the next morning and he admitted he'd been on watching porn. He didn't try to hid it knowing the kids weren't around.

He says he's watched porn since he was a teenager and had never really thought about it. He pointed out that most men, and many women, watch it. He says he watches it only occasionally, usually at work, as a visual aid to get himself off. I asked why he couldn't use mental images or me and things we'd done instead. He said he's not thought to. I told him it made me feel inadequate, hurt and offended. He said he could see my point of view and that he wouldn't do it again. Going back to having always done it, he said he didn't know why he does.

I'm having a hard time processing this in my head. I do appreciate his honesty and I do trust him. But when I think about him leering over other women (and men, I guess) I start to think in details about exactly what he's watching, out of choice, does he find them more attractive than me, are they doing things he'd like but I won't do, etc, etc. My head ends up in a big mess.

How do I get past this??

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I guess the big issue in my head is that he chooses to look at this stuff over me, in that situation.

[madotnw_nihs]

The age old question of porn and its effects on relationships. You are going to find people with different opinions on it. I had ex's that were appalled that I watched porn and I had ex's that enjoyed it.
I would say this should have been discussed or discovered earlier in the relationship. Which begs to the question was he hiding it. Also you said he watches it at work?....

[clarabellew]

When I say 'at work', I don't mean literally whilst he's at his desk working. I meant, most likely if he nips to the toilet, or during his lunch break.

I don't think that he's hidden it particularly. I trust him 100% in terms of other women and stuff so I don't ever feel the need to check his phone. It was chance that I was sat with him when he searched the internet and it came up. It's never been there before, so I don't think he does it often.

[madotnw_nihs]

That's still rather strange, that we would look at porn in the work setting. Anyway, guys and girls are just different animals when it comes to these things. I think it's normal for guys to fantasize about other women. Not during sex of course. I wouldn't try to let it bother you too much.

[Mr Married]

I guess the big issue in my head is that he chooses to look at this stuff over me, in that situation........

Keep in mind that porn is quick, easy, free, and widely available.

I'm sure that that if he had the chance to rip your clothes off and lust over you he would......but that isn't real life.

You say that your sex life is good.....that is a good indication that there is no problem

BUT !!!!...... Please do have the conversation with him...."Honey is there anything you think is missing in our bedroom life?"

Sometimes it is easy to THINK we know what our partner wants and needs.

Being a guy I can tell you that every guy I know looks at porn. I've never had one say..I wish that was my wife, I wish my wife was like her, why cant my wife do XYZ....blah blah blah

You are not in competition with what he sees and I promise he would prefer you any day.

One Note of Caution: If you notice changes in him about sex...random fantasies, strange ideas, and especially needing a certain activity to maintain erection you may want to dig deeper.

Summary: Cut him some slack and acknowledge he doesn't need to be shamed about it. I'm sure he is plenty embarrassed. If you really have concern there are porn addiction
surveys online you can have him but in this case it doesn't sound like that to me.

Best of Luck

[bunnyhabit]

based on my experience most guys watch porn as entertainment not as a replacement for their significant other. most just hide from females but discuss male friends.you are very fortunate he is so open and honest with you. visual display is much different from imagination of past sexual encounters.

i don't think you have anything to worry about. if it really bothers you do some videos of the two of you having sex for him to use to "get off" away from you. just keep in mind he probably will show to male friends as guys love to brag about their lovemaking talents and girlfriends. of course internet offers more variety but having him and you in video will probably really excite him more.

[bulrush]

Lots of men do this for various reasons which could be:
- They don't want to "bother" you for sex.
- They want a little variety.
- They are too nervous to talk to you about their fantasies so they use porn to fill the gap.
- They want to explore something new but think you won't like it or will demonize them for it. Men start their sexual peak about age 13 and they start that phase by constantly being demonized, mostly by girls and the demonization continues through their teens and twenties, year after year after year. How would you feel if someone did that to you? This leaves life long scars in some men.

None of this has anything to do with him loving you less or being committed to you less. The big problem here is 1) you have deep insecurities about him watching porn. I'll bet he knew you would react this way and that's why he hid it from you. As long as the porn is moderate, then it should not be a problem. Porn becomes a problem when it totally replaces his sex life and the other partner is unhappy.

I told him it made me feel inadequate, hurt and offended.

No one has control over your emotions but you, so stop blaming him for your own insecurities and ignorance about male sexuality. Some men complain when their women use a vibrator. It's just a tool and does not replace the man, and the same goes for porn. It's time to educate yourself about moderate porn use.

And yes, some men have such a high sex drive they HAVE to fap at work otherwise they can't think. (I've been there, it was pretty awkward.)

[pcmaster]

Well he still kept that bad habit from teenage years. Question is how often he watches it. But also better would be to stop porn and masturbation once and for all. For that there exists this good site - nofap. Com Particulary - In Case you Didnt Know topic will be very useful to understand porn harm and bad effects and how to stay away from it. Also there's this website YourBrainOnPorn. I like experiment they did with rats there.

You can offer him help with these websites to quit porn forever cause at his age its still not too late to change since on nofap even 50 year old been discovering life without porn and masturbation.

[clarabellew]

Thank you for all your advice, guys.

I am absolutely certain that he is not looking at it all that often and is not an addict. He has a busy job and he'd lose it if he was messing about too much and at home, I'm usually aware of what he's doing (e.g. he doesn't go into the bathroom with his phone, etc.). He's also given me access to his phone to check what he's doing - I do not look at it though as I do trust him.

I should probably mention that my health has not been great of late - I have curviture of the spine which is deteriorating and has been particularly bad for a couple of months. I've required a lot of care from him, and my family. We have still maintained a love life, just about, but it's been massively reduced. He did mention this when we talked about this matter, but I know he tries to play it down to not upset me.

I guess I was just surprised when I discovered this. When I met him, he seemed so gentlemanly in this way and didn't seem to be interested in that kind of thing, unlike many other guys. I actually spoke to his mum about it (we're close and his parents are very.... open minded) and she said not to worry at all.

Despite my health (which is improving a little at the moment), it has made me take a little look at my part in this and I have started to ensure I do make a bit more effort for our love life. It is already much better (and has a little more variety!) and so I'm pleased to say I think we'll be okay.