Ex-girlfriend is stuck in a relationship with an abusive guy

[Zachi]

Well, how do I start? It's a long story. A long, crazy and interesting story, so it's probably worth reading, even if you don't have an advice for me.




I was on a long vacation to Kenya last year, where I met a nice girl during my last days of my stay in Kenya. She was shy just like me, which is something I found really cute. We'll call her C. We started talking, and she told me about some problems she had with her ex that she recently broke up with (We call him S. A white guy, but born in Kenya) and about how the breakup had affected her in a negative way, but now she was finally over him, and ready to be a "good girl" again. After that we kind of got close together, but my vacation was also coming to an end, and I had to travel back home to Denmark where I live.

We kept chatting and sometimes video-calling each other. We got more and more romantic, until November 2017 where we agreed to be in a relationship. I was SO happy, and I went down to Kenya to visit her again in December for three weeks. I was planning to stay at my host's place just outside of a small town called Nanyuki. (My host was a grown man living in a house with his wife and children)

Upon arrival C informed me that she would return to Nanyuki after a few days, so we could be together. But in the meantime I heard rumors that she still lived with "S" (her ex she told me about). After me and the man who hosted me went to town, talking to several people, it became clear, that S was treating her like sh*t and no one liked him. When the day came and C arrived in town, I met with her, and I got to talk to her about all the rumors. She told me and my host, that she hadn't seen S for a long time, and that he used to abuse her. She talked about him as if he was nothing but a ex-boyfriend who had become a stalker. So I believed her, and forgot about the rumors of her still being in a relationship with him.

A few weeks passed, and we got deeper into our relationship, holding hands, kissing, spooning and all that kind of stuff. She used to stay with me at my host's place, and things went really well to begin with. But after a week or two, she started acting suspiciously, wanting to spend the night in town, coming up with excuses of having a female friend who was about to leave soon, or that she was on her period and she wouldn't want to mess up the bed where I was staying... I remember one night, she was suddenly desperate to get back to town, even though it was late and highly unpractical. In Kenya, it is unsafe to travel after dark, but she insisted, much to my host's discouragement. She showed me some keys, and told me she had to deliver them for a female friend, or else her friend would not be able to get home and sleep that night. The next day, we spend the entire day together holding my birthday party, then being on a date at a fine restaurant, and sleeping at a hotel in town at night. It was a perfect day where we spent the entire time together, and the trouble from last night was forgotten. But after that day, again she started doing suspicious things.
One night after she insisted on staying in town yet another time, I texted her because I wanted at least to talk to her on the phone in the evening, if she couldn't be there with me. Then she called me, and screamed in the phone that I should leave her alone.
I was very confused, and insisted on asking what the problem was, until a manly voice took over, and introduced himself as her boyfriend. I was shocked, and I told her that I was her boyfriend too. He was very aggressive, and after a while the call ended.

Me and my host went to town the next day, to confront C and ask her what the h*ll was going on. But on our way, we randomly stumbled upon S (The ex-boyfriend she told me she had left long ago, and who was now stalking her). My host talked to him, and confirmed that he was the guy on the phone from yesterday. In a respectful manner, my host introduced me to S, and S told me we had no reason to fight, since we had both been fools. He never knew about me, and I never knew about him still being with C, even though C had talked about him as an ex-boyfriend. He told me he had been together with C for the last two years, and he couldn't believe what just happened. He told me how he saw C texting with me, and quickly deleting her texts from her phone, which raised his suspicion and insisting she called me, so he could find out who I was. He even showed me the keys from that night, proving they belonged to him, and not some female friend that C was mentioning. (Quite shocking, considering me and C spent the next entire day and night together - and the night before, she slept at S's place!!)

Me and my host confronted C, who desperately tried to make me believe that the call from yesterday was a prank, but when she found out that I talked to S, she freaked out, and asked me if I would still continue this relationship, and that I was the one she loved. I couldn't answer her right away though... It was quite a dramatic situation, and we were a big group of people trying to handle it. Me and S agreed that it should be her decision to choose who she wanted to be with. We even had to hold her tight, to keep her from running away.

Anyways, as I was going to leave the next day, and I heard she had been with him for the last two years, I felt like I already lost. And when she had to choose in front of us all, with me on her right side, and S on her left side, she went for S. But she seemed very unsure about it, and she cried and apologized very much to me about it. I decided to forgive her, and we agreed to still be friends. But when talking to her about it, she even told me that maybe her relationship with S wouldn't last for long, and then we could be together again. Even SHE was hoping. So it seemed very much like her decision was forced in some way.

Anyways, before I travelled home, everyone around me comforted me, saying that I belonged with her, and that it wouldn't take long until she would probably break up with him anyways, since he was an arrogant a**hole who used to abuse her. Even her mother cried because of her decision, because she supported my relationship with her 100% and wanted her daughter out of her relationship with S.

At home in Denmark, despite her being with S, she still contacted me and she wanted to talk, just to see my face from time to time. I accepted to be her friend, and we kind of still talked in a lovingly way. Of course I tried to keep it low, because I didn't want to support her too much of not being loyal to S. But true enough, under a month later, I got the news that she broke up with S after he threatened her again. I accepted to get back together with her in a long distance relationship.
Of course, this time, still being in disbelief over her first betrayal, my trust in her was not 100% complete. And even the smallest signs of her still being with S, made me react quite much. But after she agreed to make our relationship status official on facebook, I started gaining a lot of trust in her again. I couldn't imagine she would be able to do that, unless she definitely was being real with me, and no one else.

I even started trying to get her to Denmark for 3 months, working hard, on making it possible. She seemed very happy about wanting to come and stay with me in Denmark.
We were together for a month, but the suspicious acts of being offline often got worse again, until one day, S checked facebook and saw our relationship status. Apparently, he had not had a smartphone, so he was unaware of our relationship status on facebook. Then he requested we talked with video. When I called him, he told me he was still in a relationship with C. I was hoping he said it out of jealousy, and asked him to prove it. But unfortunately, he proved it, by turning around the camera, revieling C being right there with him, in a bad attempt at hiding. I insisted on talking to her, and eventually he managed to make her talk to me. I asked her why she was doing this to me. All I remember her saying was, that she couldn't let go of S, and that he was still in her heart, or something like that. After the video-call, I wrote a clear statement to both S and C that I was breaking up with her, and that it was over between me and her.

But as you know... Love can do incredible things sometimes. And I was not ready to move on. I still loved her, despite of her second betrayal. Mostly because I kept having this idea, that there is something that keeps her with S, which has got nothing to do with love. He treats her like shit. I have heard people say to me, that S is addicted to alcohol, and he becomes violent and aggressive when he is drunk, and sometimes he even beats her up. This guy, he acts like he owns her, and everyone knows that C shouldn't be with an abusive guy like him.

Since then, I have told C, that if she wants a third chance with me, she might have the chance when I return to Kenya to visit some friends in August, (even though I am actually returning in July. I want to surprise her...) but until then I don't want her to contact me. However, I have talked to some of her friends, and they tell me that she's not over me, and that she still is kind of desperate to talk to me. One of them is saying she seems determined to fight for my love.

It's the fact, that she never really seemed determined to be with S, that keeps my hope alive. She never told me she didn't want me. It's like she wants to be with me, but she can't because she doesn't know how to free herself from S who keeps abusing her. And therefore, I can't help but try to motivate her to be honest with herself, because if I am truly the one she wants, and she knows it deep inside her heart, she must have the strength to break up with S, and move on from him once and for all. I felt like she needed to know, that all hope was not lost yet, if she wanted me back, but she would have to fight for it.



So here's my current situation

So what I did is, I asked one of her close female friends, who also supported her in being with me, if she had an email, so that I could send a motivational mail to C, about what she was missing out on, and what it would take for her to get back with me, if she truly wanted to. Basically it consisted of three things:
1. Instructions for what she needed to do, IF she wanted me back (which included breaking up with S immediately, and waiting for my return while being single, to prove her loyalty to me)
2. 11 reasons why we shouldn't talk until I return
3. The pros of getting back with me, and the cons of staying with S (and some pictures of our times together)

Then the point was for her to show it to C. But this friend of C just went to Denmark for 3 months to visit her boyfriend (and I am really jealous!) so that project kind of failed. Realizing this, and still being determined to get C to read my mail, I decided to send the mail to a gmail account that I created for C, and then I sent her the instructions on facebook about the username and password, and how she was going to sign in and read my mail. But that project failed miserably, because her abusing and controlling boyfriend S obviously knew the password for her facebook, so he signed in, and he read my message, and got pissed off over it. Luckily, I could see that my mail had not been opened, so I quickly deleted it, before S could have the chance to read it. On facebook, using her account, he insulted me quite a lot. He also previously posted a laughing smiley in the comments of my relationship status with her, calling it "hilarious" before it got deleted, as if it was all a joke... Not respecting that I was heartbroken, at all... Now, their relationship status has been made official on facebook. I feel like doing the same to him, calling it "hilarious", but I won't since that wouldn't make me any better myself. At least, it's a good thing that their relationship is official on facebook, so that I don't have to rely on rumors. I can simply check if they are still together, by looking at their relationship status.

The worst feeling right now, is the feeling of me being seen as an enemy. I never wanted to be in bad terms with S, but I screwed up when I decided to send that message to C on facebook. Before that, he saw me as an innocent person, who couldn't know she was still with him. But now he has seen how I tried contacting her, being well aware she was with him... It hurts so much, that the girl of my dreams is in a relationship with a guy who hates me. But I insist on not fighting with S. I am a peaceful man, and fighting over a girl is ridiculous. That's also why I ignored his insults. The only person right now who can actually do something about this, is C herself. She's the only one who can have the strength to leave S if she truly wants to break free from him, and get back with me.

Since I still want her to at least read my mail, I have now sent another copy of my mail to a new mail-address, and instructed C's sister on how to open it and read it, so she can go through it together with C. I know her sister supports my past relationship with C, so it shouldn't be a problem to communicate it through her. As of right now, my mail is still unopened.

My plan is, if I can see that C haven't been together with S for at least a month before I return (which will be in July), and she can prove herself to be very sorry and ready to start from a new beginning without S, then I will give her a third chance to be with me. Because honestly, she is stuck deeply in my heart. She was my first girlfriend ever. Something that is so meaningful and special to me!

__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ _________________

Anyways, I don't know exactly what I want with this thread. I just wish I knew what is going on inside her head. Is she afraid of what S will do to her, if she doesn't agree to be in a relationship with him? Does she really love him? What was the point of being with me in the first place? Did she really love me? So many questions, and I just wish I could understand how she could get back with a guy who treats her like shit, when she had me as an alternative. Even worse, she tried to keep her relationship with S secret from me, and her relationship with me secret from S, so that if she succeeded, she would have two relationships at once. How can this even be real? What's wrong with her? SO MANY QUESTIONS! Also, how can I let go of these thoughts in my head? Since there are about 3 months until I return to Kenya, and I can't really do anything about the situation now, I also wish I knew how to temporarily let go of these thoughts in my head...

[smackie09]

What are you looking for? Someone to tell you to keep wasting your time on C? C isn't ready for any relationship with anyone. She's got some growing up to do first. She isn't going to be this wonderful GF that will be faithfully by your side...she has already proven that.

[Zachi]

I am looking for advice on how to distract myself and avoid overthinking it, when it leads me no where, and keeps me away from living in the present. And then I am looking for replies from people who might be able to describe this phenomenon. People who know these kinds of people and who might have an idea of what could be going through the mind of such a person, who seems to be "stuck in between" two people. Maybe a personal story about how they themselves have been like thar, or known someone like that, and how they got through it... We also don't know if C could be faithful if she had not met S. We don't know if S is the main reason for her behavior, if he is the one manipulating her and controlling her, or if it is more of a problem from within herself... Or a combination of both... Even though I believe you may be right, I still have a feeling that if only it wasn't for S, she could have been faithful to me... Yeah, but anyways. I think what I am looking for, is for someone to dig deeper into this phenomenon and explain what is going on, on a more psychological basis. And of course, ideas of how to distract myself, and learn to cope with the situation in a better way... All such things

[smackie09]

Basic human nature......"desire" ......that's what happened. If it wasn't S it would be someone else. There are things we just can't have any control over.

Distraction is easily done with keeping yourself busy like going out with friends, spend time with family or coworkers, etc. Stay off social media for awhile...that always leads to temptation to stalk those you wish to be with. And go No Contact.

[Hooo!]

Wow. Isn’t there a tl dr version of this?

[Zachi]

Okay Smackie, I see that you believe that C has a problem within herself that makes her unable to stay loyal in a relationship, no matter who it is. That's okay, I understand, although I have another theory as well. My theory states that S is taking advantage of her, and he is controlling her, knowing her weak spots, and manipulating her to believe that he owns her in some way. My best guess is, that she was interested with me, because she didn't really love S, and she tried to break free from him, but she got caught up eventually, and knew that she had to stay with him. Maybe out of fear. I still believe that S is the problem here. Not C. But only C can do something about it, because S will always try to make her believe that she's not allowed to be an independant woman who can choose who to love. That's what I think. So we disagree, but I will still take your theory into consideration, don't worry.

Hooo! TL;DR version:

My ex-girlfriend went back to her abusive ex. She tried to hide it from me, but I caught her. Everyone tells me that this guy (S) treats her like shit, and that he has beaten her up several times before. I always treated her good. She never seemed determined to be with S. She never told me she didn't love me. Even now I hear rumors that she misses me. It seems that she is stuck with a guy who's taking advantage of her weaknesses, keeping her in control. She seems to be afraid to leave him, even if that's what she wants deep inside.

So now I have decided not to communicate with her, because I think it is her job to solve this problem and break free from S if she wants me back, since it would be ridiculous to fight over a girl. But I was recently worried that she thought she wouldn't ever have the chance to get me back, and I didn't want her to give up, if she knew she wanted me back. So I am currently trying to get her to read a mail where I have sent her some clear guidelines of what she needs to do IF she truly knows that she wants me back in her life. Unfortunately, I made a mistake by contacting her facebook, since S is signing in to it and reads her messages, so now he insulted me and he has got the idea that I am trying to change his girlfriend's mind.

I'm not trying to change her mind, however, I am trying to help her understand that IF she wants me back, and she knows it deep inside, then she needs to do something about it, instead of letting S control her. On the other hand, if she knows already now that she wants to stay with S for good, then she needs to tell me.

So far I am waiting for her sister to show that mail to C instead, since trying to tell her how to read it, by writing to her facebook failed miserably.

But what I guess I really want out of this thread, is to hear other people's experiences with these kind of issues. Especially those who have some knowledgement about girls who can't let go of their abusive boyfriend, even after meeting a nice and respectful guy who treats them good - so that I can at least try to understand the psychology behind this phenomenon

[smackie09]

I was in a abusive relationship. We mistake jealousy and poor behavior as passionate love for us. Respectable nice guy is boring, doesn't stimulate the female brain into passion.

[Hooo!]

It’s none of your business.
If you know for a fact you can involve police. Don’t expect her to thank you tho
You can also offer to help
But probably that wont help either

[Zachi]

UPDATE:

C contacted me, apologizing for how S insulted me, and asked me to give her the name and password for her email, so she could read the email she didn't get to read before. I told her to talk to her sister, since I had already given the information to her. After a short while, I could see, by signing in to the google account I created for C, that there had been some activity from a phone in Kenya with the same name as the model I know she is using, and my mail had finally been opened. I marked my mail as unread, to see if she would read it a second time. And she did again in the evening. Then while I was busy and away from my PC, she had tried calling me with video from her sister's facebook account several times, and begged me to answer because she "just wanted to see me". However, I didn't reply to that, because as I said in my email, if she wants me back, she needs to be strong and independant, and break up with S for good, and wait for me to return to Kenya, before she can talk to me again.

Now I know that she is obviously still very much into me. It gave me a lot of positive hope yesterday, but then I noticed before going to bed, that her boyfriend S posted a picture of him and her together on instagram and facebook, saying stuff like "Thanks for holding my hand through thick and thin - helping me become a better person"... And C liked his post, and commented "That's my baby, love you"

I can't believe this shit! She seemed very convinced from the way she read my long email even twice (it takes 15 minutes to read), and desperately tried to get in contact with me. And then she decides to make a comment saying she loves S... I'm starting to hope that it's just S posting an old couple-picture. and then signing into her account to make that comment, so it looks like everything is going well between them... But obviously, that's a naive thought. I just can't believe how this can happen on the same day. If she'd be so desperate to talk to me, then obviously things cannot go too well between her and S.

What the hell is going on now?!?

I will update this thread when something new happens...






UPDATE 2:

So I decided to send her a new email, where I am reacting to the fact that she tried calling me yesterday, by saying that I don't want to talk, while being reminded that she is not mine anymore, and that if she wants to see me and talk to me, she has to break up with S. I also told her that I saw her comment on S's instagram picture where she said "That's my baby, love you", and that if she's pretending to love him out of pity to S, then she needs to be honest with him, and tell him the truth, because she would even do HIM a favor by setting him free, so he can find a girl who will love him 100%, unlike C... Because if C really loves me, and she just can't let go of S, because she feels bad for him (he's addicted to alcohol and stuff like that) then that would be a fake relationship.

After sending the email, I sent a message to her on facebook with the words "New email", and 6 minutes afterwards she tried calling me again. I didn't answer her call though... She must learn her lesson.

I'm starting to feel a big chaos in my head of feelings again. This is what I wanted to avoid... I think, if telling C anything again becomes necessary, I also need to make it clear to her, that this will be my last message until I return to Kenya, and stick to it... This shit is messing with my feelings...

I will update this post when I can see that my new email to C has been opened.





UPDATE 3:

My second email has now been read. And I can also see, that C opened my first email yet another time. I think she's definitely considering things...









UPDATE 4:

Strange... I can see she deleted my second message from her email inbox, but not the first message. If she is afraid S will find out and read them, why didn't she delete both? Hmm... Guess I will understand the answer to this later...

[Zachi]

UPDATE 5: (Someone please come with your theory! I hate being alone with all these thoughts!)

Now I can see, that my first mail got deleted from her email inbox as well. I know for a fact that she always deletes her conversations with me on facebook as well (or at least those we had) not because she doesn't want to look at them, but because she is afraid that her boyfriend S will sign in to her account, and find out. It's the same thing I see here. What I expect, is that she deleted my mails from her email inbox, just in case S would find them...

I just don't like the fact that she is now unable to read my motivational phrases

Edit: MAYBE I have a theory. Before, I used to sign in to the email I created for her, and mark my message as "unread" to see if she would open it, and read it again. Maybe she thought that S was the one who marked it as unread, or something, and the changes of mails going from read to unread made her afraid someone other than me was messing with it, and then, just in case, decided to delete them, in order to stay out of potential trouble ... ???

[TheEvilJester]

I know this isn't what you are going to want to hear...

But my honest opinion is you would just be better off letting her go and considering, in your own mind, that it is over. Unfortunately, you came to us a little too late for this advice.... but had you come to us BEFORE, I would have suggested you not even contact her. I would have suggested you just move on before you even reached out to her.

You two broke up. What she does is no longer any of your business. IF she wants you back, she needs to decide that on her own and reach out to you. IF she wants out of that abusive relationship, she needs to decide that because she realizes she deserves better than that. She needs to decide that FOR HER, not because she thinks she has another option out there.

Now, as others have said, if you do know for a fact that he is hurting her, you'd not be wrong to call the police. If you legitimately fear for her safety with him, you'd be doing the right thing to do that. But, beyond that you should leave it alone. The truth is, you don't need and shouldn't want this kind of drama in your life. You deserve better than to be put through this kind of stuff. In time... heck... she may even be able to BE that "better" herself. But for now she is going through too much to be ready for a real relationship with anybody.

...With all of that said, don't misunderstand. I am not judging you in the slightest. I 100% understand how you feel and why there is a strong part of you not wanting to let her go. When we like somebody, it can be hard to turn that off. But, you are not doing yourself any good by sending her these messages and then torturing yourself with all the speculation over did she read it, what did she think, why did she delete it, etc. You would really be muhc better off if you just move on and forget her for now. Again, if she gets her S together and reaches back out to you, MAYBE you can think about it then. But, for now you'd be better off assuming it is just over and moving on as though it is.

In the end, you have to do what feels right for you. I just hope you care enough about yourself to do what is best, even if it may initially be difficult. Good luck to you.

[Zachi]

Letting go of someone who never actually told you that it is over just seems wrong. She never stood up to me, and said "Listen, I have decided to be with S, he is the one I love"

I am always doing what feels more right to me. I am not denying that it's possible for me to forget her. But I am not ready for that now. I just can't give up on my hopes of being with her. It's a cliché, because I knew I would get advices like that, but I just don't think I would be able to do what you advice me to do, even if I insisted.

I don't think the police is relevant. Yes, I have heard rumors of S hitting her. But I consider those exaggerated rumors. I don't think he's being THAT abusive. He's just arrogant and basically an asshole, and she keeps forgiving him, despite of all the shit she has to go through. But if she really loved him, she would have told me to move on, instead of purposely keeping my hopes of getting her back alive.

It feels like watching a game of sports, where the other team keeps being slightly in front, but it's only because of random luck, since your team is actually doing better. You can't stop watching the game, you can't stop hoping to get in front like you deserve...

But honestly, if I tried to move on now, and find my love in some other girl, I wouldn't be honest to that girl. C is stuck deeply in my heart, and making someone else think that they are the one I want, would be wrong. In the end, I have to listen to my heart, and yes, while I want it to be HER decision to choose me again, I just can't help but hope and hope and hope...

I can't help it. Maybe asking for advice was a bad idea, because of course you guys are going to say what I don't want to hear. It had to come from somewhere... It's always easier to give someone that advice, than to actually take it, when you are in the situation. But thanks for your opinion.

[TheEvilJester]

I actually can't believe I didn't make this clear before (that was my bad) but, believe me, I 100% understand how hard that is. I 100% understand that when your heart wants something, it isn't as simple as just saying "okay... this situation isn't good for me, so I am just going to move on." You can't just flip a switch like that. So, believe me, I completely get how you feel. I'm sure most of us have been there. I know I have been. You can't just switch it off that easily. It takes time, but in MOST cases like this, that does end up being what is needed. Maybe yours will turn out differently. I hope it does since that seems to be what you want. But, even more than that, I hope you care enough about yourself to eventually do what is right, even if it may not be what you want at first. But, now to address what you said...

Letting go of someone who never actually told you that it is over just seems wrong. She never stood up to me, and said "Listen, I have decided to be with S, he is the one I love"

Maybe true, but you two broke up. AND she's now with somebody else. So, unless she tells you otherwise, what good does it do you to assume that means anything other than she does not want to be with you? At least not now? As it is, though, it sounds like you already made your feelings clear to her. You told her you were still open to getting back together. Sounds like you even laid out how that would have to happen. So, you've done your part. I personally do not see any point to belabor it any further. Give her time and space and maybe she'll realize she's so much better with you than with him. If not, then that is your answer, and hopefully will ultimately turn out better for you anyway.

I am always doing what feels more right to me. I am not denying that it's possible for me to forget her. But I am not ready for that now. I just can't give up on my hopes of being with her. It's a cliché, because I knew I would get advices like that, but I just don't think I would be able to do what you advice me to do, even if I insisted.

Oh, don't get me wrong. I never meant to imply you should get over her TODAY. That's never going to happen. You need time. Even if you two broke up, and you were 100% sure it was over, and you weren't interested in giving her another chance, it would probably still take you time to get over it. I'm just saying it would likely be better if you just proceed for now as though it were over and give yourself the time away from her (and away from her drama) to heal and reflect. You don't have to close that window forever. You can leave that open in case she does decide to come back, if that is what you want. I just think you'd serve yourself better by taking time away from her to heal, to move on, and to reflect back on the things that went wrong in the relationship. Maybe there are things you could have done better, and maybe now you can.... BUT, there are probably also things she could have done better. If you were to take her back without even considering that, then how are going to protect yourself from the same things just happening again? IF you two did get back together, the goal should be to improve on the things that went wrong in the first place. Otherwise exactly what would change?

I don't think the police is relevant. Yes, I have heard rumors of S hitting her. But I consider those exaggerated rumors. I don't think he's being THAT abusive. He's just arrogant and basically an asshole, and she keeps forgiving him, despite of all the shit she has to go through. But if she really loved him, she would have told me to move on, instead of purposely keeping my hopes of getting her back alive.

Okay, well then it sounds like you don't really know if there is any actual abuse going on in this case. So, I'm not 100% sure what I'd advise then. Because that definitely is NOT the kind of accusation people should just throw around. It can be very damaging to somebody's life even if it isn't true. People are quick to judge and could treat him as though it is true even if it truly isn't. So, I guess if you don't have enough evidence to be fairly certain abuse is happening, then involving the police may not be best. I'm not sure. Maybe there's still the "better safe than sorry" aspect, but I don't know.

To answer your question, though, even if she DID truly love him, that doesn't necessarily mean she wouldn't keep your hopes up of a possible reconciliation between you two. For a number of reasons, she could still do that anyway. Worst case scenario, she may be the type who enjoys the attention, so she's happy knowing you still want her whether or not she still wants you. That could really be the case even if she DOESN'T love him. She could really just be using you both. AND... I'll admit, I could also be wrong. She could still love you, or at least part of her could. IF she does, then in time she'll see that and come back. If not, then there would be nothing you could do to change her mind anyway.

But honestly, if I tried to move on now, and find my love in some other girl, I wouldn't be honest to that girl. C is stuck deeply in my heart, and making someone else think that they are the one I want, would be wrong. In the end, I have to listen to my heart, and yes, while I want it to be HER decision to choose me again, I just can't help but hope and hope and hope...

I can't help it. Maybe asking for advice was a bad idea, because of course you guys are going to say what I don't want to hear. It had to come from somewhere... It's always easier to give someone that advice, than to actually take it, when you are in the situation. But thanks for your opinion.

I'm also disappointed in myself that I didn't make this clear either, but I was NOT meaning to imply you fall in love with somebody new NOW. That, in fact, would actually not be a good idea. One of the biggest reasons being exactly what you said yourself. Your heart wouldn't be in it right now. It wouldn't be fair to your new gal, because even if you were in denial and thinking you'd moved on, most likely at least part of you hadn't and the new gal may just be a rebound for you even if you didn't realize it. More so what I meant is it is better to START the process of moving on now. So that IN TIME you may find love in somebody else. Believe me, I know that feels impossible to you now, and I know this just sounds like meaningless words.... but given time you would realize you are better off without this kind of drama in your life. You'd realize you are better off without whatever it is that went wrong with the relationship to cause you two to break up. And, like I said, that COULD even involve her coming back into your life. Hopefully with you having grown wiser from the experience. Hopefully with her having grown wiser as well. And that COULD even lead to you two trying again.... but if not you'd be ready to try again with somebody else.

Again, though, I completely understand how all of that feels like meaningless words. I know that right now all you want is to get her back. It wouldn't necessarily be my personal advice... but if that is truly what you insist on for now... Well, you've already done what I would have suggested in that case. You've already told her how you feel. You've already put the ball in her court and told her that you're leaving the window open, and told her how she needs to come back through it if she wants. If you insisted on trying to get her back, that is exactly what I'd have advised. So, for now all you can really do is wait and hope that she takes the opportunity to realize that she deserves better than him... and hopefully to decide that YOU could be the better she deserves. If she doesn't, that will hurt.... and it may not seem like it.... but you'll get through it in time.

Absolute best of luck to you. Honestly, my wish for you, since it seems to be what you want, is that she will give you that chance. But, like I said before, even more than that I hope that you care enough for yourself that if that just does not seem to be in the cards that you give yourself time to heal and move on. Good luck to you.

[Zachi]

Thank you very much for your reply. I read it all, and I could only nod my head in agreement of what you say. Except, it's not actually entirely true that I just want to get her back... I don't want her back if she haven't changed. In other words, I don't want her back if she is still indecisive. I only want her back, if she can prove to me, that she really means it this time, when I return to Kenya in July. I'd even say, she seems more desperate to get in touch with me... She's the one who attempted to videocall me the other day, while I declined it, because I wanted her to learn her lesson from betraying me, and understand that I don't want to see her or talk to her, until she is determined to break up with S, and go after me 100%... I can also see from google's sign-in location activity log, how she keeps signing in to the gmail account I created to her several times a day, to check if I sent her something new. So actually I am mostly the one holding her back.

But you are totally right. I have let the window open, and put some obstacles in front of it, to see if she would actually go through all of that in order to get me back in her life. The way I will prove her seriousness with me, is to make our relationship status official on facebook, if she agrees to be with me again. Luckily, facebook only allows one relationship there, so hopefully, that will be enough proof for me! Another good thing is, that S likes to show her off online, so she will not be able to hide it, if she is with him. Back in time, S didn't have a smartphone, so he didn't post anything online, and it was easy for C to hide her relationship with him from me.

But hell no, I am not taking anymore chances. If she wants me back when I come to Kenya, I will first of all be sure that I can rely on her this time, and make sure EVERYONE is aware of our relationship, before we can slowly start to progress. I'm going to be extra careful this time, to avoid another heartbreak, and if she still seems indecisive when I return, even if she says she wants to be with me, and that she has broken up with S for good, then I might tell her that we should start off as friends, and then we will let time tell if she really means it this time. By the way, I am almost 100% sure she will ask me if I want to get back together with her again when I return, no matter if she is ready for it or not. I am not afraid that she will not want me back. I am more afraid that she does not have what it takes to do what she needs to do, to make me want her back, to be more precise.

The problem with me is simply that in my head, I keep cheering for her, like if she was my sports team in a match, hoping so much that she will become that strong and independent woman I deserve, who can win back my love and approval again, because I can't bear the thought of having to fall in love with someone else. ...While I would really be better off, to try not to think too much about it. Moving on doesn't harm you, and you can always return to what you had, when the day comes. I am fully aware of that. I'm just bad at it, because there isn't much else to think about in these days...

I just have too little content in my life to find anything to distract myself with... I have no friends, and the only meaningful things I do in my daily life is having a job where I take care of children, and then going for a run every second day... The rest of the time, I spend on the computer. Obviously, that's where my mind start focusing on C, and I have to check all of her activity on facebook, instagram, and gmail etc...

Again, thank you very much for your constructive reply!

[TheEvilJester]

Believe me, I SO know how you feel. I have similar problems sometimes. I haven't been able to trust many people in my life. So, often times when I feel I CAN trust somebody, I am loyal to a fault. ....And I do mean TO A FAULT. Because, in my loyalty, I often fail to see it when somebody has proven unworthy of that trust, unworthy of that spot in my life. I can't help but remember who they WERE, or often times, who I THOUGHT they were but they never truly were all along. So I keep clinging to that idea of who I thought they were rather than the terrible person they have proven they actually are in reality. It can often take me too long to realize the truth and finally move on.

So, I completely understand how you feel. Take it from somebody who knows from experience.... no matter how much you intellectually know you are better off, you won't be able to FORCE yourself to stop having that small part of you still cheering for her to win you back....initially. In time, if she fails to move forward with you, you will get past it. You will move on. You will realize you are better off without her. OR, if she DOES try to win you back, you'll be better equipped to make sure she does so sincerely and makes a true effort to actually do right by you this time.

It sounds like you have a really good head on your shoulders right now. It makes sense there is part of you that can't completely let go yet. With any luck, maybe you inevitably won't even have to.... but in time if you do have no other choice, you will move on. You will get through it. You will come out stronger for it. You will eventually find love. Good luck, friend.