Should I give up or fight on for my LDR?

[ldrlove22]

Me and my girlfriend have been together for about 5 years. 3 years into the relationship, she migrated abroad to study and later worked for her and her family’s future. She visits back twice a year and whenever she heads back abroad, our relationship gets tougher to fight for. 2 years of keeping this LDR going is seriously draining both me and my gf, that we’re both starting break up with each other whenever we get the chance. It’s becoming toxic, tbh. I’ve asked help from my friends and family but the best advice I’ve gotten so far was from my brother who has also been through a long distance relationship. When he first met his wife in an international dating social event. While they were apart for about 4 years, they’ve gone through the struggles I’m currently facing. He gave me tips and advice but right now, I just need to hear a lot more input ‘cause I can’t seem to rest at this point. I need some help guys!

[DalM0m]

What's the plan to close the distance? if there isn't one, then breaking up may be the best option.

[TheEvilJester]

Pretty much 100% with DalM0m on this one. Long distance relationships can be VERY hard... and often times the only way they can work is if there is some foreseeable end to the long distance situation. Some time in the near future when you two can be geographically close again. And I'm not talking about her visits twice a year. I'm talking about you two permanently being close enough geographically to continue to have an actual relationship.

If there is no plan for that, and no chance of that happening any time soon, then you would both probably be better off just ending it. If there IS a solid plan, then it could be worth trying to keep fighting.

Good luck to you either way.

[Minikimini]

When was the last time you flew over to see her?

Also--your brother and his wife's outcome is their outcome, based on their individual life experiences that made them who they are today. Same with this girl. She's not a clone of your sister in law. She is who she is because of her life experiences up to this point.

Having said that, LDR's without any actual movement to close the gap do not work unless BOTH of you have your self discipline on such a lockdown that nothing can knock you off of it. That requires two confident people who are confident in how they feel, what they want and that the person they're with is a good ROI, emotionally, psychologically and empathetically. You have to learn how to strangle disappointment in its crib and not let it grow and fester into full blown resentment. You do that by being realistic and not living in the future.

Figure out a way to make enough money to fly to her more often--you'll be able to find out the truth about who she actually is if you spent way more time in her presence. Skype/Facetime doesn't make relationships. That's done face to face.

[ldrlove22]

Pretty much 100% with DalM0m on this one. Long distance relationships can be VERY hard... and often times the only way they can work is if there is some foreseeable end to the long distance situation. Some time in the near future when you two can be geographically close again. And I'm not talking about her visits twice a year. I'm talking about you two permanently being close enough geographically to continue to have an actual relationship.

If there is no plan for that, and no chance of that happening any time soon, then you would both probably be better off just ending it. If there IS a solid plan, then it could be worth trying to keep fighting.

Good luck to you either way.

there are plans but they're all indefinite. it's like "one day we'll do this and that and those" kind of plans.

- - - Updated - - -

When was the last time you flew over to see her?

Also--your brother and his wife's outcome is their outcome, based on their individual life experiences that made them who they are today. Same with this girl. She's not a clone of your sister in law. She is who she is because of her life experiences up to this point.

Having said that, LDR's without any actual movement to close the gap do not work unless BOTH of you have your self discipline on such a lockdown that nothing can knock you off of it. That requires two confident people who are confident in how they feel, what they want and that the person they're with is a good ROI, emotionally, psychologically and empathetically. You have to learn how to strangle disappointment in its crib and not let it grow and fester into full blown resentment. You do that by being realistic and not living in the future.

Figure out a way to make enough money to fly to her more often--you'll be able to find out the truth about who she actually is if you spent way more time in her presence. Skype/Facetime doesn't make relationships. That's done face to face.

i guess i'll see how this goes

[DalM0m]

Those aren't plans. They are pipe dreams. A plan is something like "I will finish my degree in 2 years, then we will both move to X city. Meanwhile we will see each other next month & we're saving Y dollars per month for the move."

Does she have any concrete plans to move back? Do you have any concrete plans to move to where she lives? Can you even get a job there?

[TheEvilJester]

Agreed, again. I mean, don't get me wrong. That is at least something. That at least suggests there is intent on both sides to eventually move together. But, two problems here. 1) Intent doesn't always automatically equal actions. In other words, it is great if you two INTEND to find a way to move closer together.... but if no solid plans ever come together that really means nothing. 2) What people say and what people mean aren't always the same. Based on you being here to ask us this, I will assume that you truly have always intended to work towards you two moving closer.... but you can't really know for sure if she truly did or if she just said it because it felt easier than being honest.

Again, it is all well and good to have that in mind as an end goal.... but at some point plans need to actually start to be discussed, and eventually put in motion. At this point, after all these years (I believe you said 5 years) you don't even have any solid plans? Not necessarily a good sign. Again, I can't tell you what to do as that is your decision. But, I know what I would personally think is best at this point if I were in your situation.