Asking a shy girl out

[bnme90]

So I have a crush on this girl in my college class. She's very quiet, shy and reserved. I noticed that she always sits in the corner of the classroom with a friend, and rarely strikes a conversation with anyone. Right after class -- boom -- she's gone; never stays to chitchat. She's always got a poker face on, and hardly talks to anyone in class outside of her 2-3 close friends. However, we seem to make eye contact a lot, and she always smiles and waves at me whenever we cross paths. So, I know that she at least doesn't dislike me lol.

About a week or two ago, I was shopping at a local farmer's market with a friend. Apparently, she was there that day and saw me, but I didn't find out until a few days later in class when she asked me if I was also there that day. When I asked her why she didn't come up and say "hi", she answered that she wasn't sure it was me and didn't want to embarrass herself. That was the first time we actually engaged in some form of conversation.

Since then, we talk here and there after class, but I always feel like I'm walking on eggshells when we do, mostly because I'm not sure if she's actually interested in me or just being friendly...that, and the fact that she's always with a friend, which makes it harder to, I guess, make a move. We've also taken the same taxi to school on several occasions, but...guess what? Her friend is always there as well.

Anyway, so my question is, does she seem interested in me, and secondly, how in the world do I even ask out such a shy girl? Maybe start out by eating lunch with her at school or something? Should I ask for her number? I've been rejected many times by shy girls, so my confidence is really low when it comes to interacting with them now.....

[TheEvilJester]

Well... it is really too hard to make a judgment call on whether or not she likes you. We can't know that any more than you. She could like you, or she could just like you as a friend. The good news, though, is there is at least a chance. Like you said, she at least doesn't dislike you. That is a good start. She smiles and waves to you. She's even, despite seeming to be shy otherwise, initiated conversation with you. So, that to me sounds like a good sign.

Honestly, how you should ask out a shy girl really isn't all that different from how you should ask out a girl who isn't so shy. I guess maybe for somebody who is shy, it would be better if you can ask her somewhere private if you get that chance. Like, if she is shy then asking her in front of a bunch of other people may not be best unless you don't have any other option. If you take a moment to think about the shy gals who have rejected you in the past.... can you think of anything that maybe you could have done better in asking them? Honestly, though, maybe there wasn't even anything. Asking out women, shy or not, can often lead to a lot of rejection before somebody finally says yes.

Anyway, all of that is assuming she is shy. There COULD be the possibility that she's not shy, but she keeps mostly to herself and a few select friends for somewhat less flattering reasons. It doesn't SOUND like the case since she's been nice enough to you... but I just point that out just in case. If she is just shy, though, then I don't see any reason not to just give it a shot and ask her out.

Good luck to you.

[Hooo!]

Where do you want to go with her?

[bnme90]

Where do I wanna go as in where do I want to take her? Or how far I want a potential relationship to go?

[pcmaster]

Yeah man talk with her for a while(few minutes) and ask for a number. Don't think she could reject you since shes brave enough to smile and wave at you. I mean don't waste time cause this interest won't last forever.
Think Hooo meant where you want to take her on a date. Since thinking about a relationship is too early.

Good idea about starting to eat lunch together. It's almost like a date only free and makes sense to spend time together as much as you can without going anywhere special. Since you are in one class anyway. Maybe start sitting together too.

[PRW]

Should I ask for her number? I've been rejected many times by shy girls, so my confidence is really low when it comes to interacting with them now.....

That fact that you are asking this makes me think this "shy girl" is more bold than you are. Maybe she seems shy because she is playing "duck & cover" because of the stalkers she has had to deal with in the past.

First of all, there is way too much dithering and hand-wringing over "Does she like me?,...Does she not?" This approach and attitude is probably why you have had so much rejection,...which then causes more dithering and hand-wringing,...which causes more rejection,...it is a self-perpetuating death spiral.

Learn to read the signs from a woman to know if she is into you. Just because she smiles and talks doesn't mean she is into you. Most women I have met talk and smile once in a while. The simplest way to find out is to ask for her number. If she gives it to you without hesitation then there is hope. If she hesitates and then maybe still gives it to you then she is not into you but does not want to make a scene by refusing, or have you get butt-hurt and cause a scene yourself if she refuses. Most women will give anybody their number regardless of interest because they know they can just ignore you afterwards when you try to make contact,...it is passive rejection. They will even go out on first dates when they don't have an once of care for the guy because they just want to check the situation out and "maybe he won't be all that bad",...knowing,...they can always dodge you for a second date.

What do you do? Exactly the same thing. Ask for her number, if you get it without hesitation, great!, but if you don't or she hesitates,..."Oh well,...next!" Make the date, she accepts, great!,..."maybe she won't be that bad". Maybe you'll get a second date after, maybe not,...oh well. If she declines the date,..."Oh well,...next!"

[Hooo!]

To what place or to which activity to you want to take her so you can get to know her better?

[bnme90]

Thanks everyone for your feedback!

[MENTION=85121]Hooo![/MENTION] I plan on asking her to lunch after class, somewhere at our university's food court. As [MENTION=42177]pcmaster[/MENTION] brought up, it's a good way to spend time together without going anywhere yet, since I haven't even gotten her number!

Maybe I get her number during lunch? One interesting thing... I'm a vegan, and she knows about it. About a week ago, she mentioned this place on campus that has vegan burritos. Sounded like she was just being nice, and I was too nervous and didn't know if I should ask her out on the spot right then and there, so I ultimately decided to go someplace else with my friend.

I wanna see if I can maybe ask her to go there next week with me, but I don't know if that's a good idea or how I should bring it up? Plus, she's ALWAYS with her friend(s), so it's even harder... What do you guys think?

[Hooo!]

Hey Lucia I’m going to lunch at the burrito place. I would like it if you came along too.

[PRW]

I wanna see if I can maybe ask her to go there next week with me, but I don't know if that's a good idea or how I should bring it up? Plus, she's ALWAYS with her friend(s), so it's even harder... What do you guys think?

Get around the friend by using a text, it will be private even with the friend standing there next to her. Texts also, because you can think about and edit what you are saying before you send it, never stutter or stammer around, sound nervous, or have a voice crack.

You don't "ask" for a date,...you "offer" the date. It is the difference between "Would you like to go do.." and saying "Let's go do...". Presentation is important. The date MUST be a specific time/place/day. Nothing wishy-washy. Decide what you want it to be before you present it to her. The context of the date is what YOU want it to be, and you are offering for her to join you on it. You only worry about it being what she wants after you know what she would want without you having the ask her what she wants. Be the leader, not the puppy-dog follower.

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Hey Lucia I’m going to lunch at the burrito place. I would like it if you came along too.

I'd re-phrase slightly...

"Hey Lucia I’m going to lunch at the burrito place. Com'on let's go!." If it is at the current moment.....

"Hey Lucia let's go to the burrito place, I'll meet up with you tomorrow at 6pm". If it is in advance....

[pcmaster]

I would say it like this - Hey Lucia I'm going to burrito place, if you come with me I will let you buy me some burritos. What? Don't tell me you have no money, look at yourself, you look like million dollars.

Or if there was nervousness then the attempt would look more like this - Lucia lets go to burrito place, I want to stick my taco in your burito.No, I mean I want to eat burritos with you.

[bnme90]

[MENTION=87416]PRW[/MENTION] You hit the nail right on the head. She is not as "shy" as she appears and she's absolutely playing "duck & cover" as you mentioned. Case in point: Noticed there were 2-3 dudes lining up to talk to her after class, though afterwards she still went with her friend to lunch.

So that's when I decided to approach her. Even though she was walking with her friend, I realized there's not a time of day when she's actually alone, so I figured.. f**k it, why not just go for it. Made some casual talk as we walked towards some restaurants off-campus. I asked her if she's down to go to the vegan burrito place she told me about, and she spent a while trying to describe where it's located. Long story short, she said something about eating there tomorrow, but now I'm not even sure if that meant the two of us or her friend lol. So we kept walking and I felt more and more awkward since it became apparent that there was no point in me being there....

Still, I asked if she was down to grab lunch at this new vegan restaurant that I wanted to try out, and she immediately turns to her friend and asked her if she wanted it (WTF???) Her friend obviously was gonna decline, and, in doing so, said she's not even that hungry..... Wow.........completely left me hanging there. So I smiled and said "that's fine" and "let's go tomorrow to that burrito place!" and she goes "that place is tasty" (or something) and that was the end of it.

What just happened lol...did I get rejected? Do I even look for her after class tomorrow or just give up?

[PRW]

[MENTION=87416]
Still, I asked if she was down to grab lunch at this new vegan restaurant that I wanted to try out, and she immediately turns to her friend and asked her if she wanted it (WTF???) Her friend obviously was gonna decline, and, in doing so, said she's not even that hungry..... Wow.........completely left me hanging there. So I smiled and said "that's fine" and "let's go tomorrow to that burrito place!" and she goes "that place is tasty" (or something) and that was the end of it.

What just happened lol...did I get rejected? Do I even look for her after class tomorrow or just give up?

You got passively rejected. The friend was a tool for her to use to dodge you, she knows you weren't asking her friend to come along, it was just her way out.

She knows you weren't asking if the place was tasty, that was just a deflection because she does not want to accept.

She is probably tired of guys that won't take no for an answer or give her a hard time when she says no,...so this is how she handles it to avoid the grief. From a woman's perspective she doesn't want to get into drama by turning down a guy and to some point is worried about getting the crap beat out of her or raped by some horny teenager that didn't like being told "no". Don't hold it against her,...it is a protection and survival thing. Most women don't have the strength or skill to fight off a guy who pushes himself on them, they would rather avoid danger rather than have to fight their way out of it.

Anyway, she is not into you. Move on. It will make a much better impression on her if you can be a man and just move on without being "butt-hurt". Having that good impression will be an advantage to you in the future. So don't talk about it, don't ask about it, just treat it like it never happened and keep treating her the way you normally would before this. She'll remeber you as the one that wasn't like the others that are hovering around her.

[TheEvilJester]

"Hey Lucia I’m going to lunch at the burrito place. Com'on let's go!." If it is at the current moment.....

"Hey Lucia let's go to the burrito place, I'll meet up with you tomorrow at 6pm". If it is in advance....

I'm not sure if I agree with that approach. I DEFINITELY agree that confidence and a reasonable level of assertiveness are good. It's just, to me personally, this feels pushy and/or presumptuous, not assertive. I think the date is still a request... I think it is more about HOW you ask. Like, you ask with confidence not all stuttery and stammery like you are pretty certain the answer is no before you even ask anyway.

Of course.... I readily admit maybe I'm wrong. It's not like I really no how to human well. LOL! So, I welcome people to share their thoughts if they disagree with me. I just personally feel like I'd feel rude wording it like that. I'd personally feel more comfortable with something like "Hey, I'm thinking of checking out the place you told me about (next week/tomorrow/this weekend/whenever). I'd love to take you there."

Anyway, I do definitely agree with PRW that it sounds like her reaction probably WAS her trying to let you down easily. I mean, not having been there, I can't know for sure. If you happen to remember, and don't mind sharing, can you tell us exactly how you worded it? Because, sure MAYBE there is the chance she just misunderstood your intention. But, I do side with PRW that is sounds like she was probably well aware you were asking her out and was trying to reject you without hurting your feelings.

We could certainly be wrong. Again, none of us where there to witness it. But, that sounds most likely. Here's the good news, though. At least you tried. You are freaking awesome for trying! You could have just kept torturing yourself by wondering... by waiting for some sign... by waiting for the right moment. And maybe it would never have come. Instead, you gave it a shot. Maybe it didn't go how you wanted, but at least now you know. It will get easier with practice and before long somebody will say yes. So, don't beat yourself up too much. Sadly, that is dating sometimes. Sometimes you have to get rejected a lot before somebody finally says yes. You'll find somebody soon enough.

Good luck!

[PRW]

I'm not sure if I agree with that approach. I DEFINITELY agree that confidence and a reasonable level of assertiveness are good. It's just, to me personally, this feels pushy and/or presumptuous, not assertive.

You might be imagining a tone of voice into it that I am not.

Presumptuous just means you "presume". So yes it is presumptuous in the sense the I presume they do want to spend time with me, which is better than thinking that they don't or that I am not worthy. Pushy would be when the guy gets told "no" but won't stop, and go away.

Anyway, I'm up to about 3 years if not close to 4. I have only gotten two "no's" that entire time and I am on good terms with all of them, even the ones I didn't continue with, and even the ones that said "no".

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To the OP: bnme90

So I smiled and said "that's fine" and "let's go tomorrow to that burrito place!" and she goes "that place is tasty" (or something) and that was the end of it.

One thing you could have done with a "vague" unclear rejection like that is to treat it as a rejection and say, "Ok, well if you change you mind let me know,...gotta run,...catcha later!" This way you are acknowledging that you "got the hint",...that you are still cheerful,...you leave the ball in her court,...and walk away with class. This would put you way ahead of the guys who wouldn't get the hit, and would have hovered around either whining, "begging", or "passively" waiting for her to change her mind.

Too late now, you can't go back to that situation. But keep this in mind for the future situations,...it will eventually happen again with someone else.