Ex-girlfriend is stuck in a relationship with an abusive guy

[Zachi]

Thank you. You have made your points clear, and I see what you mean. I also have made my points clear. Only time can tell what will happen now. My vacation will be in July. If I'm not travelling to Kenya, I will try to arrange a video-call with her, so we can have "our talk" through a digital connection. I also want to let you guys know, that the whole thing about me and C not talking at all for months, was my own temporary wish, that I wanted her to accept until we would meet again. As we approach July, I will break the silence again, and I will see if we can get used to at least having a long distance friendship, if a relationship isn't going to be relevant by that time...

I think I will update this thread in about 2-3 months, and tell you guys what has happened so far

[pcmaster]

Threads gets locked after a month of silence so you would have to start new thread after 2 months. Then again I dont see where is problem to try date new girl while things with this one is pretty much dead.

[Zachi]

Oh, didn't know the threads would get locked after a month... I'll just post a "bump" then from time to time...

1st: I will try to let my heart stay open for new opportunities, but it is extremely unlikely I will meet any new girl to develop something with before in August, where I will start a new 5-year education, most likely at a specific school in another part of my country. But for now, I stay in my mom's apartment, and I honestly don't have any friends. Male or female... I have some family, and that's it. The norms of social life here in Denmark is built up around organisations and schools. You can't just randomly meet people, like you can in Kenya. That's why most of my social life is down there! But it could change from August, when I will start to attend a boarding type of school again full of social life. Just letting you know, it took me 23 years of my life to finally get a girlfriend. I am very introverted, and it was a combination of luck and coincidences that lead me to meet C, and eventually make her my first girlfriend. Before that, every girl I was interested with always let me down, or someone else had more courage than I did... C also helped me a lot to find the courage to ask her to be my girlfriend, by "accidentally" calling me "love" through our texts, and stuff like that xD

2nd: Things are not dead with this one, until I have talked to her in person, and she tells me that she's determined to stay with S and I shouldn't expect us to be together in the future. She is very likely to come running to me again the day she breaks up with S. I know from experience. Of course I could be surprised, and she wouldn't do that again, but there is no defined conclusion to this case at all yet...

Anyways, let's just wait and see... I will update this thread in a few months, and keep it from locking by bumping it. Thanks a lot for all the thoughts you have shared with me so far!

[pcmaster]

I see so she was your first after a very long time of being alone. 23 years of age is sure a magical age. Think thats where you can fall in love the hardest. But you have pretty much got over her and your life can continue better than it was before.

I don't think its worth months to wait a girl and especially not worth taking girl back right after she broke up with her previous BF. She might run like that from one to other all the time, thinking that grass is greener on other side and falling in love with guy with who she is not together at that time.

Its surprising that you dont have friends outside of school cause you seem like a nice guy and actually quite sane. Should be more ways how to meet people. have you tried to talk to people outside of school? Perhaps you too need to be more spontaneous and dont limit your interactions down to just school.

Anyway good luck to whatever you decide and see you back soon !

[Zachi]

I won't agree to be her boyfriend again right after she breaks up with S and comes running to me. All I will do, is to be a passive friend, and let the time tell. So if she can't keep herself single for me, then at least I won't be betrayed when she goes back to S again. But if time goes on, and she is still determined to be single, and she can proof with time, that she is actually determined to be with me, then slowly we can start to get back together again. That's my idea. But for now, I am focused on enjoying what I have in my life right now. My love-life is on standby. Getting into the whole talk about my social life, and why I don't have friends, is a long talk that I don't want to get myself too involved into. Considering I will probably move to a different part of my country from August, I also don't see a reason to stress about meeting people. I sure will meet new people when I start to attend that place in August. But now we are changing the subject...

Maybe in one year time, I will be in a relationship with someone completely different, that I haven't met yet. Or maybe I will be back with C. Or maybe I will just be a hopeless single... Only time will tell.

[pcmaster]

Whatever will be will be. Man. Just hope that you end up happy and evolving spiritually.

[TheEvilJester]

You may not be taking the path I would personally think is best, but you are taking the path that feels right for you. I am happy for you, because you sound like you at least have a good handle on things. Not like you know everything, of course. But, it sounds to me like you are willing to go wherever life may lead you on this. Meaning if you and C do wind up being drawn back together, then you will give her that chance. But, perhaps even more importantly, it sounds like you wouldn't shun the chance if life decided to deliver somebody new to you instead.

My advice does not come without wisdom and experience of my own... but it also comes with the wisdom to know I'm not always right. In your case, I hope that I am wrong. Or at least if I'm not I hope that life takes you where you were meant to go anyway, but with at least the peace of mind to know you tried what you thought was right for you anyway. That is so much better than not doing what you thought you should and being left to wonder. Good luck to you, friend. I look forward to hearing how your story develops.

[Zachi]

I really like your approach to this. Knowing it's a sensitive topic for me, but always being so emphatic and understanding. You're not that evil afterall. Maybe you should change your name to TheGoodJester

[TheEvilJester]

I really like your approach to this. Knowing it's a sensitive topic for me, but always being so emphatic and understanding. You're not that evil afterall. Maybe you should change your name to TheGoodJester

Hey! You take that back! I resent that remark! LOL! Kidding. The "evil" part of my name is really mostly a joke/the fact that I LOVE evil clowns, jesters, etc. I am a very unique creature, but if I am being fully honest, I do not believe I am truly evil by nature. We, all of us, have evil inside of us. The duality of man, as it were. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I've been through a lot in my life, but I have never let it turn me wicked. As much as I may like to joke sometimes, I have my dark side just as we all do, but it does not control me.

So, I guess if I am being honest, I am not all that evil. I mean, that's even what the victims chained in my basement will tell you. I'm pretty sure they aren't just saying that because they don't want me to torture them anymore. (Just kidding. ....OR AM I?! LOL!)

Anyways... blah blah blah. LOL! Good luck to you!

[Zachi]

My god... It's 3 am in the night, and I am in my bed. The mildly cool spring air after a hot day is entering my room. I am lying here under the bed sheets. I miss her so much. I wish she was here next to me in my bed under the same bed sheet, so I could hold her and fall asleep with C in my arms. I need this right now. I can't believe it... She could have been here with me right now... We were working on getting her here to Denmark. If the plan went the way it should, without her betrayal leading our plans to be cancelled, and our relationship to fail, we would have been together at this very exact moment. I keep thinking about it everytime I go to bed. I keep thinking about it in the morning. Waking up... Seeing her face as the first thing, getting eye contact... Saying good morning followed by a kiss. Especially now that the weather is getting warmer, my emotions increase. People spend more time outside, couples go out and enjoy the nice weather. It's unbearable. I can't relax outside during the late hours, because it reminds me of the perfect romantic scenarios I could have shared with C if she was here. I can't put myself into situations where the circumstances relate to something romantic, like seeing the sunset, watching a movie etc. because it all reminds me of the activities people do with their romantic partners. I keep imagining so many scenarios I could have had with her if things went well... How can I deal with this mix of frustration, craving for love and jealousy? It's driving me crazy!

I'm trying to distract myself, and think about non-romantic related activities like video-gaming, youtube videos, jogging and such. And it works, but not entirely...

I guess I just wanted to get this off my chest. No need for anyone to try to come up with some clever advice...

[Hooo!]

Dude: she does not want it

Deal with it

She is maybe a hurt person
An ambivalent Person
And whatever
But fact is

This is what she wants
And it’s not you.
Deal with it

[Zachi]

How can you just assume that? There is no definite answer to this case. She has sent me many signals of still wanting me since we broke up. If it was as simple as her not wanting me back at all, she would have told me that already. You shouldn't be so quick at jumping to conclusions, especially if you haven't really participated properly in the thread so far

[Hooo!]

Then if you think you stand a chance go for it
Do it
Make it happen.

She obviously doesn’t

[pcmaster]

Some people are just born losers by their decisions. She made her choice and it was a loser choice. You ahould start to see bad things about her and you should be sleeping so late. If you cant then get on sleeping pills or whatever cause if this contunes it will draw you deeper in past. Good sleep will make you stronger mentaly. Perhaps hot temperatures woke up your hormones and it made you sensitive.

Try to be less lonely and less alone. Company will really help.

[TheEvilJester]

My god... It's 3 am in the night, and I am in my bed. The mildly cool spring air after a hot day is entering my room. I am lying here under the bed sheets. I miss her so much. I wish she was here next to me in my bed under the same bed sheet, so I could hold her and fall asleep with C in my arms. I need this right now. I can't believe it... She could have been here with me right now... We were working on getting her here to Denmark. If the plan went the way it should, without her betrayal leading our plans to be cancelled, and our relationship to fail, we would have been together at this very exact moment. I keep thinking about it everytime I go to bed. I keep thinking about it in the morning. Waking up... Seeing her face as the first thing, getting eye contact... Saying good morning followed by a kiss. Especially now that the weather is getting warmer, my emotions increase. People spend more time outside, couples go out and enjoy the nice weather. It's unbearable. I can't relax outside during the late hours, because it reminds me of the perfect romantic scenarios I could have shared with C if she was here. I can't put myself into situations where the circumstances relate to something romantic, like seeing the sunset, watching a movie etc. because it all reminds me of the activities people do with their romantic partners. I keep imagining so many scenarios I could have had with her if things went well... How can I deal with this mix of frustration, craving for love and jealousy? It's driving me crazy!

I'm trying to distract myself, and think about non-romantic related activities like video-gaming, youtube videos, jogging and such. And it works, but not entirely...

I guess I just wanted to get this off my chest. No need for anyone to try to come up with some clever advice...

I don't think there is much advice any of us could give beyond what you are already doing. Sometimes it just takes time. Distractions help and are definitely the advice I'd have given if you didn't already say it yourself. But... sometimes there isn't much you can do but just wait it out and eventually you'll feel better. Eventually you will see why maybe you are better off without her anyway. And eventually you will wind up with somebody deserving of you. And... heck, you never know. Maybe that could be her down the road. But, as it stands now it doesn't sound like she deserves you right now. Not, at least, unless she can get her head together and decide what she really wants.

In time, one thing that MAY help you, though... is to realize that you can still have all those wonderful romantic moments you are imagining in your head.... with somebody else. You've not lost the chance forever to have that special somebody simply because she is gone. It is just that maybe somebody ELSE is that special somebody. Truth be told, it is very possible that the her you imagine in your head having all those romantic moments is not HER at all, but the her you wish she was. You could just as well be envisioning some imaginary girl in those same scenes. But, in time you will find somebody real and those scenes won't have to be imaginary any more.

Once again, best of luck to you.