Confused and hurt

[Brokenheart9989]

I was sleeping with a guy as a fwb. But we would do more than just sex. Cuddling, kissing, talking for hours, hanging out, doing stuff together, sleep overs, etc.. I told him i had feelings. He said we were supposed to just be friends and the sex was temporary. I told him i couldnt be friends because i had feelings. He got angry and said he was hurt. He said he valued the friendship and would have stopped the sex for the friendship. We ended everything.

A part of me feels bad and wants to be his friend, for his happiness. But i cant help but think about my happiness too. I know i would feel hurt while being his friend. Especially if he started dating other women etc., which is inevitable. Why do i feel bad about my decision to not be friends? Why does he feel hurt? why do i feel so bad about everything?

[pcmaster]

I guess he didn't have feelings and he was just gaslighting when he said he hurt. What should he be hurt about?
I always have seen FWB as complete BS. And this situation is even more BS than normal BS FWB. Friends with sex are not just friends anymore, you were together. That comment about being temporary was the worst. Of course, you had feelings, that's natural. And that is why you could not be just friends afterwards cause you liked him more. Its good that it ended but would be even better if it didn't started.

The guy crossed the line of friendship, then he crossed the line of FWB and then acted like an asshole. next time stay away from FWB. I think its humiliating when girls agree to do FWB. Everyone deserves a real relationship.

[smackie09]

Sounds confusing right? Like what the hell is wrong with this guy?

It’s like you two are basically in a relationship. You hang out, talk, and do things that a girlfriend does which leaves you wondering where his head is really at. Why does he say one thing but he is showing you something else? Why won’t he just officially make you his girlfriend and stop sending you mixed signals?

Here is the reality....... This man is telling you the truth when he says he does not want a girlfriend and a relationship. He is not prepared to be obligated to you or to commit to you.If other women come along that he wants to engage with; well he wants to be free to do as he pleases without any valid issue being raised on your part. What his actions are showing you is that he still wants the benefits and comfort of a relationship. He still wants the sex, companionship, and all the other things that a girlfriend provides which makes him feel good WHEN HE NEEDS IT. He likes the security of having you around and he will always have a fall back as long as he keeps you close. It really is as simple as that. If that man wanted to be in a relationship with you then he would make it happen. Hell some guys don’t even really want a relationship yet they will still lock the woman down to ensure that they get what they want. So if he isn’t prepared to officially make you his girlfriend then his mindset is clear, and you should take this man at his word on this one.

Most men (not all!) don’t have to like you to want to have sex with you. Some men can enjoy your company yet never want to be in a serious relationship with you. That same man can become jealous and territorial if you talk to other men, yet at the same time have sex with many other women. I tell you this not to come off as negative but to share with you a harsh reality. It is in your best interest to understand that if a man is serious about you then he will be prepared to take action to back that up. He will be prepared to make you his official girlfriend and treat you as such. He will be receptive to your feelings and just as concerned about your desires as he is about his own.


This guy says he's hurt....what he is doing it deflecting your hurt, trying to make himself the one that has been done wrong, that it's all your fault, he was deceived....he's avoiding any backlash or drama from you.

I agree you should never be involved in FWB if you can't help catch feelings. It is what it is.

[MsLondonB]

I guess he didn't have feelings and he was just gaslighting when he said he hurt. What should he be hurt about?
I always have seen FWB as complete BS. And this situation is even more BS than normal BS FWB. Friends with sex are not just friends anymore, you were together. That comment about being temporary was the worst. Of course, you had feelings, that's natural. And that is why you could not be just friends afterwards cause you liked him more. Its good that it ended but would be even better if it didn't started.

The guy crossed the line of friendship, then he crossed the line of FWB and then acted like an asshole. next time stay away from FWB. I think its humiliating when girls agree to do FWB. Everyone deserves a real relationship.

Second this, great post!

[Brokenheart9989]

Thanks everyone. I think what i mostly feel is guilt for falling and mostly for cutting him. We did agree to fwb i just couldnt uphold the agreement i guess. The other thing was we had a bit of a history - 12 years ago we both liked each other but it didnt work out because he said something stupid. So i walked away and moved on. While i was ending it this time, he said that i was doing what i did 12 years ago. That made me feel a lot worse.

I agree, the terms of fwb were broken by him initiating sleep overs, cuddling and all of the other stuff outside of sex.

I shouldnt feel guilty, but i still do a bit. Also a bit down.

The other thing i didnt mention was both of us are coming from messy situations. He was engaged and i was married. For both of us things didnt work out. His engagement ended and so did my marriage -- prior to us reconnecting... it has been a little over half a year for both of us. (8 months and 7 months respectively).

[Minikimini]

I was sleeping with a guy as a fwb. But we would do more than just sex. Cuddling, kissing, talking for hours, hanging out, doing stuff together, sleep overs, etc.. I told him i had feelings. He said we were supposed to just be friends and the sex was temporary. I told him i couldnt be friends because i had feelings. He got angry and said he was hurt. He said he valued the friendship and would have stopped the sex for the friendship. We ended everything.

A part of me feels bad and wants to be his friend, for his happiness. But i cant help but think about my happiness too. I know i would feel hurt while being his friend. Especially if he started dating other women etc., which is inevitable. Why do i feel bad about my decision to not be friends?

Because you want more than friendship with him and now that avenue is closed---but you stood in your truth and took the buttwhippin' for it, which is always better than living a lie.

Why does he feel hurt?

As you wrote: "I was sleeping with a guy as a fwb. He said we were supposed to just be friends and the sex was temporary. He said he valued the friendship and would have stopped the sex for the friendship. We ended everything." You changed up the parameters and didn't let him know at the point when you were changing them. He didn't sign on for a full on relationship--he signed on for all the perks and none of the obligation, which is what a fwb is.

I think that at the point where you found your feelings changing, you should have spoken up and said "I'm starting to feel a way about you and I need to step back from all of this cuddling, hanging out and rein myself and my feelings back in" and taken that space, you'd have been able to maintain the friendship.

why do i feel so bad about everything?

Because you wanted what you wanted and now you can't have it. But it frees you up for the next guy who will want what you want.

FWB's really don't work unless both parties do not want the obligation of relationship and are crystal clear on that. If at anytime you feel "well, we're doing all these couply things together, surely he's changed his mind" and you proceed in action based on that line of thinking, you're setting yourself up for some hurt.

[Hooo!]

You feel bad because it’s a shit situation.
You feel for him
He doesn’t
If you continue to be with him and want him your gonna hurt
If you cut him out of your life
Your gonna both hurt too

However we have a saying here in Germany: better a terrible end than endless terror
And it’s true

[Brokenheart9989]

Hooo! You are right. I tried cutting him out and he got very angry and upset. He told me he was hurt. At first i didnt understand why since we were only acquaintances for the past 10 years. Still doesnt make complete sense to me, it would appear that he thought of us as more than just acquaintances.. at the same time he told me that he had the chance to sleep with one of his friends and he didnt because he wanted ro preserve the friendship.... but he slept with me so obviously the friendshio couldnt have been that important to him if he really believed we had a friendship to begin with? Sort of confusing.

Anyways i back peddled after seeing how hurt he was. So we agreed to try a frienship. But not really sure either of us will actually try.

[country music]

Because he don't what you want. And because sex is all men want. And then they abandon you after words. I am not friends with a man because he refused to drive to see me and is dating another woman. I told him I will never talk to him again.

[Hooo!]

But you don’t want a friendship
You want a relationship
Does he know that?

[country music]

Yes and he wont date me

[Brokenheart9989]

[MENTION=85121]Hooo![/MENTION] Yeah he does. Guess he's just being a little selfish? I'm not even entirely sure why he wants a friendship. Who knows maybe he just said it and didnt mean it. Anyways, i havent heard from him since. Not sure i will either. Guess it'll be fine. Anything i should keep in mind if he does reach out?

[purplerain2010]

It is simple, once you start to have feelings for someone, you cannot just remain as friends. And if that person does not want to be in a relationship with you and not willing to commit, you have to make the decision to move on and especially when sex is involved he has to understand that you can't just be friends. I am in the same situation where the guy expects me to still be his friend when he does not reciprocate my feelings for him so i decided to ignore him completely and until now i have not heard a beep from him nor an effort to mend things so you just have to take the courage to ignore this guy but since u have known each other for year it may take a while and it is up to you to make it straight with him as he will just continue to treat you the same.

[Brokenheart9989]

[MENTION=44257]purplerain2010[/MENTION] i agree. or at least it would be very hard and maybe not worth the effort. In any case i havent heard from him since. Not entirely sure what i want either. I do value friendship ans people in general. But i dont feel like its worth the time and effort. He said he wanted to let the friendship grow "organically" - to me, that means put in no effort and see what happens lol. Real friendships dont exactly grow "organically." They take time and effort. Working through problems, listening, and a bunch of other things. Anyways, it is what it is i guess.

[purplerain2010]

i just read the earlier posts and the answer from smackie09 is all you need. I have also learned the reality that the guy i thought i could get into a serious relationship was just keeping me as his companion because i was willing to take his calls every day and listen to him for at least an hour or two. my intention was to get to know him better but after a while i realised that he was not willing to make any effort to show me if he is interested in me. yes he kept saying that he likes me repeatedly on every phone call that somehow gave me some hope that things could evolve but the moment that he said he did not feel any spark, i knew this was not going anywhere. it doesn't take long for someone to feel a spark with you and if a guy feels it, he will do anything he can to impress and show the girl how much she means to him. unfortunately we also now live in a world where loneliness is extremely common and the moment we find someone nice and willing to listen, we tend to not want to let go of them but time is also precious.. we need it to build our own lives and be sure we are investing it wisely with people who would mutually help us grow.