Could i ever trust her for a serious relationship?

[notmyself1990]

Hello i have kinda a relationship problem and i heard this is the best forum for these kind of problems so i rly need your help

I met this girl at work in november , she was in a LTR of 7 years with a guy , because of his job ( military) he had to go in another country for 1 year and a half this happened in july 2017 . She is 21 him 22 and im 27 . So i rly liked her but because she had a boyfriend i didnt do anything but in december i heard from the other coworkers that she broken up with her boyfriend but she might be in a relationship with another guy from work that she started hanging out with since august 2017 they would got eat , walk in the park stuff like that . Anyway i asked her and she said that her relationship with her boyfriend hasnt completly ended but its going to because he is to jealous and he always thinks that she will cheat on him because of the distance .

We started hanging out and she would text this other coworker alot and i said to myself "ok so this girl might be a cheater so i better watch out " . Things got a little physical a couple of times grabbed her ass , her breasts stuff like that but no sex . At the end of december she got distant and she stopped texting first and started hanging out with this other coworker alot so i started to back away and keep my distance from her .

Fast forward in april she reached out to me again and things repeat hanging out , some physical stuff and distant again and hanging out with the other coworker, she even started crying in my arms that she misses her boyfriend and i asked her "are you still toghether? i thought you broke up with him by now " and she said "i dont even know anymore i guess we kinda are borken up " but told him in a text that she still loves him but told me that a relationship between me and her is posible and that a guy like me might be good for her . And they both still have photos of eachother on facebook even now . I slept at her place we cuddled all night .

Fast forward in present i saw some photos on facebook from a friend who had a weeding in april and she was there with the other coworker as a pair ( her boyfriend or ex boyfriend doesnt know about the photos ). I asked a friend of mine who is good friends with her boyfriend to ask him , whats the deal with him and her and if they are still toghether he said no , he said that a couple of weeks ago they went to a hotel toghether and someone kept calling her she rejected his calls , he told her to answer but didnt want to . He said that she cheated on him before but forgave her

Now my question is should i keep thinking about this girl ? If she might want a relationship with me could i trust her ? im rly confused and i dont know what to think anymore

[TheEvilJester]

Ultimately, you do have to do what feels right for you. So, none of us can really tell you what to do here. But I can tell you what I personally think/what I would do.

First off, I'll say this... I don't necessarily rush to judge her. Sure, on the surface you could make the conclusion that she is a cheater and she uses people. ...The things is that break-ups can be hard. Especially in a case like this where it was ultimately the distance that caused the break-up. Maybe they had other issues anyway, or maybe they were otherwise completely perfect.... but whatever the case it wasn't any issues in particular, or an incompatibility that broke them up.... it was distance.

So that can be even harder to get through. So, it is entirely possible she never meant to use you, the other co-worker, or anybody. But, that sort of thing is exactly why if it were HER coming to us for advice, I'd have told her to take some time with NO relationship to just heal and be by herself. To learn again how to be happy alone.... and THEN go back to looking for love.

Since what she does is not within your control, my personal advice to you would be to just keep your distance for now. At least from a relationship standpoint. You can be friends with her if you can feel okay with doing that for now, but I would not recommend attempting to actually go out with her or start up a dating relationship. You don't deserve to just be somebody's rebound, and whether she even realizes she is doing it... by not giving herself time to move on from her ex (even they even ARE broken up), she may very well be doing that.

In time, if they remain broken up... and in time if she gives herself time to heal and move on... then maybe you two could actually have a chance. For now, you've already tried and she goes very hot and cold on you. That isn't fair to you. Maybe she doesn't mean to do it, but that is exactly what happens when somebody really isn't ready yet to be in a new relationship.

I can't tell you what to do. If you want to try to ask her out, if you want to try to pursue a relationship with her, then maybe you need to do what feels right for you. It may succeed, it may fail, but at least then you'd feel you tried. But, I just personally think you'd be better off to give her some time first. Let her deal with the decision of whether or not her relationship is ending after all, let her deal with the drama of that... and then in time if you still are interested in her, maybe then it could be worth a chance. If, by waiting, you miss your chance and she winds up with somebody else (or back with her ex) that does NOT mean you blew your chance... it means she wasn't right for you anyway.

Best of luck to you.

[Hooo!]

I dont get what the problem is.
Girl is into you.
She has a boyfriend whom she doesn’t like so much anymore because he can’t be with her the wachse needs it.

So what do you want?

[Snow White]

TheEvilJester can be too kind sometimes. That girl is an emotional mess. When you love someone in the military, that is a very difficult thing. You are either committed or not. She seems desperate for attention and affection. If you are ok with an occasional make out session, then go for it. If you are looking for a serious relationship, I think it is obvious you are not going to find one with her.

[notmyself1990]

TheEvilJester can be too kind sometimes. That girl is an emotional mess. When you love someone in the military, that is a very difficult thing. You are either committed or not. She seems desperate for attention and affection. If you are ok with an occasional make out session, then go for it. If you are looking for a serious relationship, I think it is obvious you are not going to find one with her.

well the photos that i was talking about were taken in april an she was with her boyfriend so si definetly cheated in him , she was sitting in the other coworker"s lap and kissing him . She was also seeing another guy from another town ( the one that called her when she was at the hotel with her boyfriend ) so she was seeing 3 guys at the same time . Deep down i know that i should just let go but its hard

[GLYC]

Well, the fact that you were fiddling with another man's girl is problem #1.

Come on man. You need to respect the title of a relationship, even if it isn't your own.

Never do that. Even if you know she's cheating with other people or will cheat with someone else.
Why get involved with that stuff? No thank you.

I would say, no. She sounds like a person that's full of drama, she's a cheater it sounds like, and doesn't value loyalty. If you date her, she will likely eventually cheat on you. Her ex shouldn't have taken her back after she cheated on him, at that point, I believe she'd be a friends with benefits at best.

However, it's your life, you need to do what you want to do.
But like I said, don't be surprised if she cheats on you eventually when you two start to have issues, or she gets bored, or she's just seeking some other excitement, whatever.

[TheEvilJester]

TheEvilJester can be too kind sometimes.

That's funny. I hear that a lot... but I think my victims are just trying to butter me up hoping I'll let them out of the chains.

I'm kidding, of course. (OR AM I? Mwuuuuhahahahahahahahaha!!!!!)

But, yeah... I'll admit that sometimes I can give people the benefit of the doubt a little too much with stuff like this. I'll admit that even my personal gut reaction is that she's using him/these other guys and she knows exactly what the Hell she's doing. It's just, we can't really know that. Break-ups CAN be difficult, can be long, can be messy. Long distance can also be really complicated.

Bottom line, whether she's intentionally using people or is just dealing with complicated emotions and didn't give her the proper time to deal with it she should have.... it doesn't really change my advice to our OP. For now, the best thing to do is give her space, give her time, and see how things go from there. If she IS just using people that will seem more and more obvious. If she truly isn't/didn't mean to use and/or hurt anybody then that too will become evident in time. But, for now her actions have done nothing to show that she gives our OP the attention anybody would deserve if you have any intention of pursuing a relationship with somebody.

So, at least for now I definitely agree with the general consensus here,. Proceed as though you assume there is no interest/never will be any interest on her side and thereby do whatever you would do if that were the case. If that ever changes, maybe you deal with that then, but for now just assume it won't change. Don't bend over backwards trying to prove your worth to somebody who refuses to see it. Some other gal WILL see worth in being with you. If she can't see it then maybe that is HER loss and not yours.

[Hooo!]

Glyc I disagree

What makes you say you have to respect a relationship?

Let us say there is a woman. She doesn’t love her man anymore and he treats her poorly. You could argue that she should end the relationship herself. And that, if she doesn’t, it tells us much about her character.
And you would be right.

But that doesn’t mean I have to respect their relationship.

I also can respect their relationship and still attract the women in question at the same time.

If someone should respect a relationship, it’s the people who are in it.

——
Another example: girl is happy in a relationship. Guy doesn’t know her or that she’s in a relationship. He fancies her and starts to attract her. Is he morally doing anything wrong? No.

If girl tells him and says clearly that she is not interested. Then that’s totally different.

[TheEvilJester]

Well, I know this was to Glyc, but I also had some thoughts...

Another example: girl is happy in a relationship. Guy doesn’t know her or that she’s in a relationship. He fancies her and starts to attract her. Is he morally doing anything wrong? No.

Exactly right... but there is a big difference between asking a girl out/flirting with a girl/etc. when you DIDN'T KNOW she was in a relationship and knowing she's in a relationship but choosing to ask her out/flirt with her/etc. anyway. I dunno, maybe it is just me, maybe I'm just old fashioned, but I definitely DO find the latter to be wrong and to be incredibly disrespectful. I will say, you are right that if somebody is in a relationship it is their responsibility to make it clear they are not interested if somebody else tries to woo them. That doesn't mean it is right if somebody knows they are in a relationship yet tries to pursue them anyway.

Honestly, even if two people are in a relationship and are miserably unhappy in their relationship... that isn't anybody's business other than those two people. If they decide to end it... or if they decide to remain trapped in a miserable relationship, that is their decision and their decision alone. It shouldn't be influenced by somebody trying to woo them away.

Again, maybe just my opinion, though. Because, truth be told, if somebody was capable of being enticed away from one relationship by somebody else showing interest then they wouldn't be somebody I'd want in my life anyway. So, heck, the guy pitching woo to my hypothetical girlfriend in this imaginary scenario would be doing me a favor anyway.

[dawghoused]

It's up to you what you want. But I would like to suggest to you that you should not be in a relationship with her. Because she is hanging out with other guys also, it is difficult to trust her.

[Hooo!]

No
To the girl there is no difference whatsoever
And in respecting someone it’s their perspective you respect
Not yours

It’s like someone says and means „I don’t mind if you do X“ and out of respect for the person you don’t do x? Nah that’s not respect. That’s selfindoctrinated moral
And it could stillen right. But it as well could not be

[GLYC]

Glyc I disagree

What makes you say you have to respect a relationship?

Let us say there is a woman. She doesn’t love her man anymore and he treats her poorly. You could argue that she should end the relationship herself. And that, if she doesn’t, it tells us much about her character.
And you would be right.

But that doesn’t mean I have to respect their relationship.

I also can respect their relationship and still attract the women in question at the same time.

If someone should respect a relationship, it’s the people who are in it.

——
Another example: girl is happy in a relationship. Guy doesn’t know her or that she’s in a relationship. He fancies her and starts to attract her. Is he morally doing anything wrong? No.

If girl tells him and says clearly that she is not interested. Then that’s totally different.

It's a moral and values thing. And a testament to ones values.
It's really about you showing up, as you would hope someone else would.

OP clearly knows that she's in a relationship, to not know that is completely different.

Think of it this way.


What would you think if a guy started trying to weasel his way between your relationship with your woman? Maybe she's happy with you, maybe she isn't. That's really their business. Plus, it's just asking for drama. My life is drama free, I prefer to keep it that way.

Really, Don't just focus in one woman who isn't even single, she may never be single is the reality of the situation. Look at your other choices.

Also. Would you really want to be with a woman that doesn't disclose that she's in a relationship? I think there would be a lack of loyalty there. Or else its just on the verge of ending,

The thing is, you have to look at how people act with their current partners and consider that they will very likely act the same way when with you.

The best way to handle this, would be to approach the woman, and try to express interest, if she says she's dating someone. "Hey, best of luck with that, I hope it works out for you, but, in the case that it doesnt, let me know, I'd love to get to know you over drinks"

Then let it go. If she's interested, and things fall through, she'll get in touch.

If the relationship is that terrible, just wait, it will end regardless.

If she doesn't end it, she doesn't end it. That's Just the way it is. There's something going on, possibly she's overly attached to the idea of the guy, possibly she isn't that strong in certain aspects.

A healthy and strong woman, will leave behind a man that treats her poorly, even if that means entering into a realm of uncertainty and being alone for a long period of time.

[Hooo!]

I think your connotation is wrong.
Let us say there is a guy really fancying my wife. And he tries to seduce her.

Well who would better understand him then me.
Ofcourse he would want to. She is a wonderful person. That is part of why I love her so much.

And for sure she will be flattered by his interest. And we will talk about it at dinner. And then we will go to bed with each other and start a new day of our wonderfulrelatio ship

[GLYC]

I think your connotation is wrong.
Let us say there is a guy really fancying my wife. And he tries to seduce her.

Well who would better understand him then me.
Ofcourse he would want to. She is a wonderful person. That is part of why I love her so much.

And for sure she will be flattered by his interest. And we will talk about it at dinner. And then we will go to bed with each other and start a new day of our wonderfulrelatio ship

So day in and day out, he is well aware that she's married, to you. And yet, he persists on continuing to seduce your wife.

I think that's wrong. This isn't a random guy that just saw your wife at the mall one day, said a compliment then let things be.

Its a guy who is continuously trying to get inbetween your relationship. Some men pretend to be her friend, and when trouble starts up in your relationship and she vents. He's there, talking with her, possibly trying to plant seeds on what she should do, so that he can make a move. Not even necessarily for the best of her or yours interest, just so he has an opportunity, and he's likely trying to push her mind into ending things.

Ironically most of those guys don't work out, but sometimes they can. But typically women don't like being told what to do, and the guys that claim to be "the best thing for her", she usually goes the other way. Lol

[Hooo!]

If it annoyed my wife I have complete confidence that she would tell him so and me

I have complete confidence that if he would not respect that decision by my wife that she would ask me for help.

I have confidence that I would ultimately be able to clear up the matter once and for all. However I don’t think that this would become necessary.