"Nagging" - am I overreacting or is he?

[Onionskin]

It seems every time I try to ask my boyfriend to do something more than once, he completely blows up at me.

We have been together for 14 years, living in our new home for 5. He runs an internet business. His stock fills our second bedroom and spills out into our home in boxes, containers and bags. It became a horrible mess in our first place and we bought our second home he assured me the place wouldn’t turn into the mess it had in our last home, but it has and it seems to be getting worse. Every time I attempt to discuss this with him he calls me a nag and gets angry with me. He says he is working on it, but I seldom see him moving or disposing of anything. The other night he was snoring and I was up until past midnight trying to get to sleep. I’d have killed for a spare bed to sleep in (our couch hurts my back) but it is covered in stock and I can’t discuss that with him. He just gets so angry.

He has been promising to lose weight since we met 14 years ago. I don’t care what he looks like, but I am an active person and I do care that it stops us doing so many things together. I don’t “nag” when it comes to this as I know it is a sensitive issue. I have given support, encouragement and offered to make him meals yet he continues to eat terribly. He rejects the idea of any outside help (personal trainer, gym etc) and keeps telling me he’ll do it himself and to leave him alone.

At the beginning of the year we decided we should go away overseas in July. He said he doesn’t know where his passport is but he’ll look for it. Fast forward to now and he still hasn’t taken a moment to look for it or organise a new one. I mentioned it to him the other day as time is getting on and he asked me not to ask him about it again in an almost threatening way. I think his exact words were “I’m telling you right now, don’t ask me about my passport again”.

He makes me feel as if I am always in the wrong. I am expected to have this blind, unwavering faith and trust in him even though these promises he keeps making are never kept, and I’m the worst person in the world if I show any doubt towards him. The minute he shows any sign of anger I tremble and shut up about it (grew up in an abusive home; my dad was the same). In all the time we’ve been together I’ve never felt comfortable telling him he’s done something to upset me because rather than try and work on it or fix it, he gets mad at me BEING mad (eg if we are out and he does or says something to upset me and I show that I’m upset, rather than apologise or talk about it, he will threaten to go home if I don’t “snap out of it”).

Any advice?

[DalM0m]

After 14 years there is no changing him. Can you convince him to hire somebody part time, even once a week to deal with the inventory?

Meanwhile buy a couch that doesn't hurt your back.

[smackie09]

I doubt the couch or the other things are the real issue....you have out grown your relaitonship with him, and you realize you have become two completely two different people. Have you been waiting for someone to put it into perspective for you? Maybe it's time to move on, because things feel like they are going nowhere.

[pcmaster]

Guy have took you for granted and feels like he can get away with anything now. You let him whatever by feeling soft on him and trusting him.

Really this might be all what guy wants to improve. I mean he don't want anything. Smarter would be to rent place for his bussiness and listen to you about fitness and let you help him get in shape.

However I think you shouldnt take his abuse and say you will leave if things don't improve. Obviously right now he is not doing anything to improve and keep you in his life. Guy needs to wake up.

Hard to see how you are still with him.

[TheEvilJester]

I really wish I could give more positive advice... but to be honest the only advice I feel right giving is to say that you deserve better. Personally, I'd suggest you leave him. But, if part of you wants to try to make it work, then at the very least make it clear to him that you are reaching a breaking point and that communication (HEALTHY/open communication) needs to happen or you will have to do what is best for yourself.

When I first started to read your message, the first question that came to my head was "Can you maybe give us examples of his procrastination... or exactly how frequently do you ask him about the same things?" I thought that because I actually HAVE been in a situation where my partner was completely unreasonable. She expected things to basically be spotless and would constantly flip out about it. Whereas, if she left me alone to do my part, I would have. It's just everything had to be on her time.

So, my initial thought was it COULD maybe be a case like that. Maybe you want things clean more quickly but he'd rather not go crazy cleaning constantly. ....BUT.... then you shared that you two have been planning a trip since THE BEGINNING OF THE YEAR... a trip that is now less than two months away.... and he's yet to even lift a finger to find his passport? He's had MONTHS at this point. ....So, yeah. That example makes me think that he is absolutely unreasonable. That your expectations are completely normal.


....OF course, then I read on to read about the abusive way he treats you for your reasonable expectations. At that point, yeah, all bets are off. I don't care if it WAS that you had unreasonably clean-freak levels of expectations, even that wouldn't make it okay for him to treat you that way. But, it certainly doesn't sound to me like your expectations are unreasonable at all.

Bottom line, his behavior needs to stop. If it does not, you deserve better and I personally think you should leave. You have to do what is right for you, but you don't deserve to be stuck in a relationship where you are forced to walk on egg shells at all times for fear of how he may react. To where you can't communicate with him because he'll just shut you out like an immature pouting child.

Good luck to you. I truly wish you the absolute best. I hope you find a partner who can treat you with the love and respect you deserve... whether that winds up being him after all or has to wind up being somebody else.

[Hooo!]

Do you want to continue your relationship if things doesn’t change?

[Onionskin]

....BUT.... then you shared that you two have been planning a trip since THE BEGINNING OF THE YEAR... a trip that is now less than two months away.... and he's yet to even lift a finger to find his passport? He's had MONTHS at this point. else.

We are now just 3 weeks away and still no attempt to look for his passport. I have not asked him about it since this post but as each day passes I get more and more stressed. I hate this waiting around for him to be ready before I know what I’m doing, and not being “allowed” to bring it up.

[TheEvilJester]

Is that really how you want to live your life? Do you honestly think that is okay at all? Again, like I said, it would be a whole different story if things were the opposite extreme. If you expected the place to be so spotless 24/7/365 that you could eat off the floor (you'd have to constantly clean every day... who the Hell wants to live like that?) Or if you had a trip coming up in a year and expected him to take care of finding/getting his passport IMMEDIATELY.

But he's had how long at this point to deal with it? And now a mere 3 weeks away and he has yet to bother? Is he aware of how long it can take to get your passport if it turns out he can't find it and needs to replace it? If he waits much longer it could be too late.

To me, there is a big difference between when somebody nags too much.... and when they are perfectly justified in their nagging because the other person gives them no other choice. Hell, I'd barely even be okay with calling what you've done nagging. Your requests sound pretty reasonable to me. Let's pretend for a minute that your problems stopped at him just never doing anything and you having to nag to get anything done...

Even then I'd be telling you that you deserve better.... but it doesn't stop there, does it? He's not just ignoring your requests. He's not just putting you in a position where you feel you have to nag to get anything done. He's abusive and belittles and threatens you when you so much as make a reasonable request. So, he's putting you in a position where you feel you have to nag to get anything done.... but you don't feel you are safe to even do so. Even if you don't believe him capable of physical violence, he's at least still abusive emotionally.

Again, maybe things CAN change. Maybe he CAN improve. I can't know that. I don't know him, you do. Like I said before, my advice is that you deserve better. I mean, again, he could possibly even be that "better." I don't know him, so I may not think he can based on what you've shared, but I could be wrong. If he can be that "better" then he needs to do it. If he can't/won't, then you owe it to yourself to care enough about yourself to move one. Because somebody else WILL be that "better" if he's too full of his own S to care.

Good luck to you.

[smackie09]

Move on girl! stop wasting your time with him...all he does is weigh you down from enjoying your life.

[Onionskin]

Is that really how you want to live your life? Do you honestly think that is okay at all? Again, like I said, it would be a whole different story if things were the opposite extreme. If you expected the place to be so spotless 24/7/365 that you could eat off the floor (you'd have to constantly clean every day... who the Hell wants to live like that?) Or if you had a trip coming up in a year and expected him to take care of finding/getting his passport IMMEDIATELY.

But he's had how long at this point to deal with it? And now a mere 3 weeks away and he has yet to bother? Is he aware of how long it can take to get your passport if it turns out he can't find it and needs to replace it? If he waits much longer it could be too late.

To me, there is a big difference between when somebody nags too much.... and when they are perfectly justified in their nagging because the other person gives them no other choice. Hell, I'd barely even be okay with calling what you've done nagging. Your requests sound pretty reasonable to me. Let's pretend for a minute that your problems stopped at him just never doing anything and you having to nag to get anything done...

Even then I'd be telling you that you deserve better.... but it doesn't stop there, does it? He's not just ignoring your requests. He's not just putting you in a position where you feel you have to nag to get anything done. He's abusive and belittles and threatens you when you so much as make a reasonable request. So, he's putting you in a position where you feel you have to nag to get anything done.... but you don't feel you are safe to even do so. Even if you don't believe him capable of physical violence, he's at least still abusive emotionally.

Again, maybe things CAN change. Maybe he CAN improve. I can't know that. I don't know him, you do. Like I said before, my advice is that you deserve better. I mean, again, he could possibly even be that "better." I don't know him, so I may not think he can based on what you've shared, but I could be wrong. If he can be that "better" then he needs to do it. If he can't/won't, then you owe it to yourself to care enough about yourself to move one. Because somebody else WILL be that "better" if he's too full of his own S to care.

Good luck to you.

Thank you for your message. I tried to dm you but apparently I don't have enough posts.

If I’m being completely honest I haven’t been happy in a long time. He’s a nearly 53 year old man and I feel like I’m living with a 16 year old who I constantly have to ask to clean his room or eat his vegetables – except when I try to do either it’s turned around on me. You seem to understand what I’m going through well and I just wanted to thank you. Some people on forums can be very unkind so when they’re not I’m appreciative.

[Hooo!]

Do you want to continue the relationship if things doesn’t change?
Let us say things do change: would you want to continue the relationship then ?

[Snow White]

TheEvilJester always gives mature, thought out, sensitive advice and I have always respected him for that and agree with what he has to say. You have spent enough years with your partner to know he is just not going to change. The question is, why do you continue to invest your time in a relationship that clearly you are not happy in? Many times as women, we feel we can fix things..fix our partner if we show enough love and understanding. Sometimes, we have invested so many years of our lives that we can't fathom just walking away from it all. He is never going to be the man you want him to be and he will only resent you more and more for thinking you are trying to make him do things he does not want to do.

I think growing up in an abusive home with a dad who behaved in the same way, has a lot to do with you sticking it out for so long. You cannot change him and it is not your job or responsibility to do so. For many women it just seems easier and safer to stay in an unhappy relationship rather than just letting go and starting new. Would you treat anyone the way he treats you? If you had a daughter, would you be ok with her being with a man like that?

You are worthy of love and happiness and respect. It is never easy to start over new but, why continue wasting more of your precious life?

[TheEvilJester]

Thank you for your message. I tried to dm you but apparently I don't have enough posts.

If I’m being completely honest I haven’t been happy in a long time. He’s a nearly 53 year old man and I feel like I’m living with a 16 year old who I constantly have to ask to clean his room or eat his vegetables – except when I try to do either it’s turned around on me. You seem to understand what I’m going through well and I just wanted to thank you. Some people on forums can be very unkind so when they’re not I’m appreciative.

That's weird. This website has annoyingly restrictive DMs as it is (they can only be 1,000 characters long which is a lot less than it sounds). I wasn't aware you actually had to have a certain number of posts until you can DM anybody. Well... if you happen to hit that magical number and still wanted to DM me, please feel free. I'm always happy to help in any way I can whether it is directly in the discussion threads or privately via DM. In some ways I SO know how you feel, though. I can especially rleate to how you describe it as living with an adult who makes you feel like you are living with a 16 year old. My ex and I often talked about wanting to have children some day. As our relationship started to deteriorate, I began realizing there was NO way I could ever see having children with her. Just thinking of it I could tell exactly what my life would be like. If/when we had our first kid, I would NOT feel like a new father raising a child with his partner. I would feel like a SINGLE father raising two children. That, really, is one of the things that started to help me realize I deserved better.

I don't know whether children enter into the picture at all for you.... but I think the comparison may still apply. Instead of feeling like you have an adult partner, he makes you feel like you are raising an angsty teenager. He's 53. If he hasn't grown the Hell up by now when will he ever? Frankly, I do agree with the others that you are probably better off without him. I mean, I can't over-simplify things, though. Maybe there are reasons/things within him that make him worth (to you, at least) giving a chance. Again, if there is part of you that thinks he COULD change given the chance, and part of you that wants to give him that chance before you ultimately decide, then that is certainly up to you. But, just please care enough about yourself to do what is right for you even if it may be what is initially hard.

I, myself, am living proof that you are SO much better off alone than you are stuck in a bad relationship just because you want to be with SOMEBODY. Some days are harder than others.... but one thing I can ALWAYS appreciate in my life is that even in my darkest times, I am still so much better off than I was stuck in that relationship. I may have lost hope in love for myself, but I haven't lost hope IN myself. It will be a life long struggle, but I'm finding happiness in myself.

My greatest wish for you would be that you could do the same. That you could find happiness within yourself and not NEED love to be happy.... but then to find love anyway. Maybe this fella could actually wake the Hell up, grow the Hell up and BE that true love for you.... but if not then you deserve to find you true match out there somewhere rather than to just be with somebody who is bad for you just so you have somebody. Best of luck to you.

TheEvilJester always gives mature, thought out, sensitive advice and I have always respected him for that and agree with what he has to say.

Nuh uh, doody head! Mom likes me better. (....We don't have the same mom as her.) Shut up, voice in my head.

I'm kidding, of course. I just couldn't stand by and let you accuse me of being mature. LOL!

Seriously, though, thank you, your highness. I have been wondering where you have been, Snow.

I will say that I also agree with the additional thoughts Snow provided. In particular, I know how it can feel very hard to start over. I understand how that can seem like too daunting a task. But, truth be told it is NEVER too late to find true love. Well.... maybe for a bizarre creature like me it was too late from the moment I was born. LOL! But, whether or not I believe it for myself, I honestly still believe there is true love out there for anybody who truly wishes to find it. Please don't settle for somebody who only hurts you or makes you miserable. Life can be miserable enough without somebody helping.... especially somebody who SHOULD be helping you feel the exact opposite. You deserve happiness, and if he can't be part of that happiness then maybe he should be part of your past.

[Gina.G]

It seems every time I try to ask my boyfriend to do something more than once, he completely blows up at me.

He makes me feel as if I am always in the wrong. I am expected to have this blind, unwavering faith and trust in him even though these promises he keeps making are never kept, and I’m the worst person in the world if I show any doubt towards him. The minute he shows any sign of anger I tremble and shut up about it (grew up in an abusive home; my dad was the same). In all the time we’ve been together I’ve never felt comfortable telling him he’s done something to upset me because rather than try and work on it or fix it, he gets mad at me BEING mad (eg if we are out and he does or says something to upset me and I show that I’m upset, rather than apologise or talk about it, he will threaten to go home if I don’t “snap out of it”).

This is a prime example of gaslighting. There are quite a few examples of gaslighting by your boyfriend in your original post. Have you heard of that? Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic people use to make another person feel "crazy" or "in the wrong" and question their own sanity. There are varying ways someone can gaslight you, but at the end of the day, all of it is manipulative behavior that is unacceptable in any relationship, platonic or romantic.

I agree with other's sentiments that it sounds as though you have outgrown the relationship, which is very common. He hasn't grown up over the 14 years you've been together, but you have. Sometimes, when one person picks up the slack too much, the other person becomes conditioned to slack off and expects the other person to do the work. Those relationships are unbalanced and unfair, and it sounds like you've reached the point where your relationship has run its course.

I suggest really taking some time to evaluate, and reevaluate your relationship. Really sit down and think about what your needs are, and how those needs are being met in this relationship. If they aren't being met, you need to decide what is best for you. Your choices are really two-fold: 1) realize you deserve better and the relationship is over, end it and move on; or 2) continue with the relationship the way it is and expect it to stay the same until it's over.

Best of luck to you. I think you need to start placing your own needs as your absolute first priority. If your boyfriend refuses to meet them, then he's simply not good enough for you.

[TheEvilJester]

I'm also going to add that I don't know how this slipped my notice before, but I think the below passage is particularly telling...

IHe has been promising to lose weight since we met 14 years ago. I don’t care what he looks like, but I am an active person and I do care that it stops us doing so many things together. I don’t “nag” when it comes to this as I know it is a sensitive issue. I have given support, encouragement and offered to make him meals yet he continues to eat terribly. He rejects the idea of any outside help (personal trainer, gym etc) and keeps telling me he’ll do it himself and to leave him alone.

My gut reaction to that MAY have been that you shouldn't accept somebody for who/what you hope they will be in the future. So, if you had a problem with his weight or diet/lifestyle at the time you shouldn't have gone out with him in the first place just thinking he'd change. But, it sounds to me like it didn't bother you. It's more just that his lack of caring about his health has negatively affected your lifestyle together. So, I don't think that is necessarily the case for you. ...BUT... it is very telling of the relationship. Since the day you've met he's been telling you he was going to lose weight, to learn to eat healthier, etc..... 14 years later... FOURTEEN YEARS LATER... and he still hasn't done anything about it. I think that, right there, is a pretty darn good metaphor for your relationship.

And, truth be told if it were JUST the fact that he has never changed the whole time and you have... then I wouldn't necessarily think he's done anything wrong. You can't expect people to change. Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't. I mean, it may still mean that you two have grown apart and are no longer a good match even if you were in the past. I'm just saying that in and of itself wouldn't necessarily mean he'd done anything wrong. What IS wrong is his abusive attitude towards you. What IS wrong is lying and pretending as though he wants to change for the better and then never actually doing anything about it.

Obviously we can't know what is right for you. Only you know. But, I for one certainly think you need to seriously start to consider whether you may be better off alone than stuck in this relationship. Sure, it would be a shame to lose such a long lasting relationship.... but it would be SO much more a shame to waste more years with somebody who only makes you unhappy. You'd be better off finding happiness in yourself.... and hopefully eventually finding somebody much better for you.

Best of luck to you.