consolation prize

[sair]

Hi all, i put this exact post on facebook,
Matt to Matters!
13 years ago today i lost the love of my life Matt.
13 years later i finally found someone to love again and share my life with, thankyou Andrew Matters.

I lost my husband Matt in a car accident.
Now my new partner feels as though he is a consolation prize and thats the way it comes accross because of the way i worded it! This really hurt my feelings as it isnt what i meant at all. How can there be a consolation prize when the first prize never exisited. He thinks because i wrote 'the love of my life' and at the time he was the love of my life and still is but he is no longer with me, and now i have found the new love of my life. It just really hurt me he thinks i would think like that. And he actually loved my post with an emjoi and i said dont love it then if you dont mean it and he said its the polite thing to do, i said no its not thats just being fake. Another thing he recons is all his friends see it the way he does cause none of them reacted to the post. I said its more likely none of them know i lost my husband till now. Anyway please tell me if im blind, and it really does come accross as he is just a consolation prize. Thanks in advance!

[CantMoveOn]

You can word it how you like, it is your relationships, your life and you right. He is being too sensitive about it. Love is shown by actions too, so why would this short message negate how you love him in his mind?

[sair]

Thankyou for replying, he is a little sensitive at times

[Hooo!]

If you know he is sensitive what makes you carry his problem out into the public?

If you know that some people stubbornly think that only one love of your life is possible what makes you tell him that your late husband is?

If you are so happy that you are happy again
If you are glad because you never thought that you could find another person whom you could love as much as you loved your husband
If you love him for filling the hurt in your heart with new hope and life and love
What makes you stop and just stupidly word all that so it hurts him instead?

[sair]

Because i didnt think i had worded it wrong, he said he sounded like a consolation prize, i was meaning it to be a compliment!

[Hooo!]

And obviously he didn't get the meaning

So instead of making the compliment REACH him you fight for who is right?
That sounds like the best way to make him ease up and really get how much you love him.


Watch for your response when talking about emotional stuff
If your conversation partner doesn't get it don't be offended
Rephrase
State common ground rephrase again
Until he gets it

Stop being the one who wants to be right. In communication as in relationships it doesn't count who is right
It counts what message is received

And yours obviously wasn't.

So don't be an ass
Apologize for phrasing it badly
And tell him what you really mean and how you really feel towards him

And stop bickering

[sair]

I did appologize and told him how i feel!

[Hooo!]

And?

(At least 10 characters)

[lovebroken]

I think it is more how it made him feel or maybe how he had already felt and reading that somehow confirmed something in his mind, whether true or false and that is why he took it so badly. People are allowed to have first loves, you lost your love through accident not through choice and that is a hard thing to reconcile with and maybe your new love should have compassion regarding that with you, and you with him too on his sensitivities. An I am sorry should suffice, if not maybe a long chat is in order.

[sair]

Thanks appreciate your words. We are all good now. It wasnt like we had a huge fight over it i just wanted peoples opinions.

[TheEvilJester]

I think this may be one of those cases where there is no right and wrong, per se. Because I disagree with those claiming he was "too sensitive." I could understand him feeling like you saying your ex was the love of your live would mean that he is NOT. Should he have just assume that meant you thought of him as a consolation prize? Absolutely not. But, he can't help how it made him feel. He's not wrong for feeling how he feels.

Rather than worry about right or wrong, you should make it clear what you truly meant. Rather than it being an argument, that is an opportunity to explain it to him. Explain that he is also the love of your life. That it can be more than one person. That you are with him now and wouldn't change that. Etc. etc. It sounds like you are saying maybe you did that, so hopefully he understood and accepted that.

So you weren't wrong for saying that about your ex, but I don't think your current fella was wrong if that hit him the wrong way either. Communication is key.

[Snow White]

As always EJ...by reading your facebook post, sair, I didn't find it to be threatening or insensitive but, no one can compete with the memories of a dead spouse. He is entitled to his feelings. Maybe he feels insecure that you would bring up your husband to begin with. Cut him some slack. Let him know how thankful you are to have him. Leave the past in the past.

[TheEvilJester]

Agreed, I think that is sort of naturally how anybody would feel even just a little bit. Sure, some people would understand enough to let is slide and just figure it was exactly the way you worded it to us... but I think anybody's gut reaction, at least to some degree would be slight jealousy.

He could have handled it better, though, that's for sure. But, he also could have handled it much worse.

[lovebroken]

[MENTION=78758]sair[/MENTION] Happy you both worked it all out.