Longing to be loved 2

[WTFISUPWITHTHIS]

Just be yourself

[pcmaster]

Thanks, FoL, I think the same and I think it could benefit you too since you are just a human too. I noticed that you wanted to wait till marriage with sex so that's one big step towards living in faith and sin free life.


@Hooo! My beliefs really don't help me in this "new age world where success is measured by victories in bed and thickness of wallet. Where often relationships are replaced with contacts and daily breadwinning with shop till you drop. Where human worth is decided by car make he drives, the size of his home and brand of his clothes. Those who are not fit in these society standards are allowed to be unhappy for that they are not allowed to live like "humans". Does God have something to say about all that? He have and quite a lot. That is what's all about the book "THE SEARCH FOR SIGNIFICANCE" by Rober S. McGee.

Thousands of years ago if you would get kicked out of church family then your home won't belong to you anymore and everyone could take what they want cause person becomes kicked out of society automatically with losing place in a church.

These days it's quite opposite - if you belong to the church you don't fit well in general society anymore since you are going against the grain and having different belief and value system. That's where church family comes in help by supporting and being by your side.

Now I still want to be in friends with unfaithful people too and have relationships with all kind of people cause I have the love for faith skeptics too. Prayed that these relationships would be possible to sustain and won't be ruined despite of difference in faith. Also, I still need you guys TheEvilJester and Hooo! Cause without you I won't be where I am now, I remember and appreciate all the support and advice.

Like yesterday I was messaging with a pretty girl on tinder who are looking for romance and passion. She also doesn't do sex without love but when I asked what would be her perfect date, the answer was "I prefer safe sex". Its good that she knows quite a lot about church and been to one too but unlike me, she hasn't been in church all summer when I was attending it most of the summer. I believe our perception of love is quite different and that what would be fulfilling to her in short-term would make me empty if long and even in the short run.

Been looking for love in wrong places too but that's what I'm thankful for that now I can see better and escape traps that make one empty and even more unhappy. Its been only 24 days for me without PMO but emptiness is gone and I'm filled with love and faith that makes me stronger and want the real thing, not some artificial relationship where one is dropped like a hot potato once girl senses that instant gratification like sex won't happen on a first good opportunity. Despite that these kind of sins are still tempting to me but still looking at bigger picture here.

That girl told me that she doesn't do sex on the first date to what I responded I don't do sex till marriage. Now, this is not just my caprice but I believe this is the right way to get where I want in a long run and to not get side tracked by pleasures that don't give you anything lasting.

Hey, slow it down
What do you want from me

There might have been a time
I would give myself away
(Ooh) Once upon a time
I didn't give a damn
But now here we are

Yeah, it's plain to see
that baby you're beautiful
And there's nothing wrong with you
It's me ' I'm a freak
but thanks for lovin' me
'Cause you're doing it perfectly

Adam Lambert - "Whataya Want from Me"

[Hooo!]

Please dont justify yourself

You are here because you want to be loved

And you have not succeeded with this

Please don't misunderstand me on purpose so you don't have to challenge what you believe in

[pcmaster]

I been thinking today about girls I dated and how much shit they been tru like ton of boyfriends during life and FWB. All kind of shit that makes one dirty. All kind of things that are against religion and are sinful. So Im thankful that I stopped before I went tru that shit. Sure I been living with PMO for many years and thats shitty and sinful but at least I was alone not like having many girls in my life who all would left their fingerprints on me.

Believe me Hooo! I am loved. Its crazy how much God loves me. When yesterday I was saying prayer being thankful to God for filling up my emptyness and filling me up with love I noticed my left eye was wet. My eyes was closed but if they were open there would be a tear. Thats a sign that my heart is being softened cause I havent cried for many years because I was unable and now it seems it soon will be possible. It was like I was dead inside and now becoming alive.

[TheEvilJester]

Wow. I missed quite a bit of back and forth on this thread. I know most of my responses are very long. LOL! But, I'll apologize in advance because this one is going to be especially long. There's a lot I missed and did not want to skip over.

I am so happy to hear how things have been going for you, PC. It's like I said before, it sounds like your experiences have been very similar to my own recently. Again, we each arrived there through very different means, but it sounds like both of us were in similar positions of being very disillusioned by lack of success in love... and that both of us are finding happiness through other means.

Truth be told, finding happiness and acceptance within your self is so much more important. It is really so much better to reach that level where you are happy within yourself and don't NEED love (romantic love) to feel content... but yet still remain open to it anyway. It's just that can be SO hard to achieve when love feels so important. I had a hard time with that myself for so long, as did you, it seems. I think it is so amazing that we are both finally learning to value and appreciate ourselves even if/when love isn't part of the equation. I am so happy for you.

Well Im no doing that for success with girls, guys...

It all started with tuesday nights but then as happier I became as more new things showed up to do on those tuesday nights cause when you are happy, people welcome you and want to spend time with you. From lonely I have come to a point where I can talk with more people than I have time to. I can meet more people than I have time to...

Feeling pretty much like you @TheEvilJester now - if love comes to me I wont deny it but wont run after it. Really feeling fine and self sufficient now. Not desperate for anything. At peace and harmony feeling happy deep inside.

A few points I wanted to touch on from some of your recent updates. I think the first part above says it all. When you can do things you enjoy, things that bring you happiness, simply because you enjoy them.... that is the right attitude and approach to take. I am so happy to hear you've found that for yourself. Your faith is something you did for you. Not because you felt you had to, or you thought it would be some magical path to finding love. You did it for you. Finding those sort of things can often bring a lot of the right people into your life. It can even eventually lead to finding that special someone after all. When people often offer advice like "love finds you when you aren't necessarily looking for it" I think this is the sort of thing they mean. I finally get it. They mean that it is so much better to just find your own path to happiness and let love find you, if it does. That isn't to say you can't take an active role in finding love... it's just better not to throw too much of your self-worth into it.

The second part also makes me very happy to hear you say. Because, that is true. When you find peace, find happiness within yourself, it sort becomes obvious. It is almost like other people can sense it. It can help you to attract the right kind of people into your life. You do still have to be careful. It can also attract the wrong kind of people. But, it definitely helps you feel better about yourself, and thereby project that positivity into the world even if you don't realize you are doing it.

And I especially like the way you worded that last part I quoted above. Specifically you not feeling desperate. I think that, unfortunately, the more desperate one becomes to find love, the harder it becomes. It becomes self-damning, so to speak. And a vicious cycle. You desperately want love, but are unsuccessful in finding it. So you become depressed/disillusioned/etc. So that just makes it even harder to find love. So you become more depressed/disillusioned/etc. and it just never ends. So glad to hear you've found your own way out of that cycle.

Where can you find more trustful and caring people than in church?

I am happy if you've found great people within your church. I am assuming this advice isn't necessary... I'm sure you know this and are well able to protect yourself... But just in case I do feel the need to at least share my concern. I have some concern with a statement like that. Because, the fact is that people who are very religious, faithful, church-going, etc. are just people too. Meaning they are not perfect. I've known some VERY religious people who are the most cruel, hateful, judgmental people in the world. I've known people who are atheists/agnostic/uncertain of their beliefs and yet some have been about the most accepting and nicest people you could ever want to meet. And, of course, there is also the reverse scenarios. Religious people who actually ARE good people because of it, and non-religious people who are bad people.

So, I'm sure my advice there is probably not needed, but I can't help but offer it anyway just in case. I just get a little worried hearing something like that. People are people no matter what their path in life. Some are good, some are bad. Doesn't matter what group they are part of or what beliefs they have or whatever the case may be. There are good people and bad people in all walks of life.

I absolutely do NOT say that intending to scare you away from trying. It sounds like you've met some great new friends and that is awesome. You should never let the fear of letting the wrong people into your life stop you from letting the right ones in. So, absolutely keep doing what you are doing. I just offer that warning as a friend.

I been thinking today about girls I dated and how much shit they been tru like ton of boyfriends during life and FWB. All kind of shit that makes one dirty.

Honestly, I don't necessarily agree with that. I mean, the kind of gal who would blow throw boyfriends like napkins and be cool with a FWB type situation wouldn't be for me, personally. The kind of gal who just wants sex early and often regardless of whether or not the relationship is serious would not be for me. ....But I don't think that necessarily makes those people wrong or dirty. As long as their lifestyle is with other consenting adults, that is fine for them. I consider it none of my business. The way I see it, they aren't hurting anybody. It is not my place to judge. That may not be what works for me, but that doesn't mean it doesn't work for others.

BUT... that isn't my style, and obviously it isn't your style either. So, one thing you definitely have right is that you are better off not going for that kind of woman in the first place. Before, it sounds like you tried to sort of go with the flow because you just wanted love. But, as you learned, that often leads only to heartache. You weren't being true to yourself. Now you are. In this day and age, maybe that makes things even harder for guys like us who aren't the "wham bam, thank you ma'am, women are just knotches in my belt" kind of guys. But, ultimately, it leads to a better chance of finding the right person down the road. Rather than winding up with somebody just to wind up with somebody.

So happy to hear all the positive vibes from you, PC! I hope that continues.

[astrid]

So many wishes and good luck to you! I've been there and it soothes me to know how someone else is doing in that same position.

[pcmaster]

Thanks for long response Jester. I first saw your response on my phone narrow screen and it looked having more inches in lenght than my faithful sword.

You are right - not all the people in church are lovely and dovely. Some goes there just once a week just for a check in at best and comfotably lives in a sin. But I hang out with hardcore people who stays in church( 5 hours after priest have ended his speech) for bible studies. Not just we read bible everyday but also read it in group and analyze it. We are deep in it.

I seen what good things those people they did for me without even knowing me and to other people who they saw first time in their life, without asking anything in return. The love in humanity reflects in them.

Sure I keep looking for love too but not taking anything I can get anymore but looking for someone who would have same set of beliefs and values or could adjust to mine. Pretty busy these days with just living my life.

[TheEvilJester]

Yeah, my responses can get pretty long as it is. LOL! But I'd missed quite a few updates and didn't want to just pass them by, so that one was one of my longer ones.

Anyway, how long somebody attends church, or even if they do at all is not any indication of how good a person they are. How involved they are with their church/faith, if even at all, is no indication of how good a person they are. It does sound like you've met a good group, though. So that is awesome.

To me, what is important is that you find something that makes you happy. Something that makes you feel reasonably fulfilled even if/when love may not be part of your life at the time. For you, that is your religion. It doesn't have to be faith, but for you obviously that is working. For me, it is a number of things, but a big part of it has been my cosplay/conventions/nerd culture.

Life has mysterious ways sometimes. Sometimes it can be when you least expect it that everything suddenly falls into place.

[pcmaster]

I know you play board games too. You said you like the people there too. What else is making you happy?

You are right it everything can fall into place when you least expect it.
It seemed simple with church - just go in and go out of it happier than before. But there was much more to it than just visiting church. Its like real relationship - dedicating time to it every day and being faithul. But I like concept about not living for body but living for soul.

Edit: Cant post too. It shows limit reacher 0 posts per 1 day.

[TheEvilJester]

Oh yeah, there is also my board gaming group. (Sheesh, I'm such a nerd. LOL!) Some pretty good peeps in that group. A lot of that stuff is what just sort of started to help me to appreciate me better. So, really I think what has made me so happy these days is just finally accepting me. Those things were just the catalyst that started those changes in me. That and, as I've said, my path in sort of accepting that love probably isn't meant for me has helped me to move on and decide: You know what... if it turns out that is true, then what's next?

Does that mean I spend the rest of my life miserable? Or do I find other ways to be happy and learn to work-around it. Mind you, I DO NOT recommend my end conclusion to anybody. The positive end result of that should be that I decide I don't NEED love to be happy (that part I've nailed, so far at least) but I decide to try for it anyway (that part, I've not bothered to try).

So, I'd more suggest THAT conclusion to people than I would my own. But, for now it is working for me.

Religion can be a wonderful and amazing experience. Faith is something that really can help people to hang on through tough times when even they thought they never could. It may not be everybody's path, but I am so glad you found it and that it is working for you. Just like anything in life, there are people who can make religion and faith a terrible and disillusioning experience. I've known some of those people in my own life. Glad to hear you've found a good group who, perhaps without even knowing they are doing it, have been a big part of your positive growth.

You are a good dude! You deserve this kind of happiness and self-acceptance! Enjoy it, brother.

[pcmaster]

Thanks Jester!
You are good dude too.

I see that you don't rely on a single person like other half to make you happy. Also you won't worship or see as a God a girl who becomes your other half. And that's good. Cause at the moment when you expect other person to give you everything you need to be happy, to fulfil all your emotional needs - you are rolling over that person with a battle tank - that kind of pressure it is. And there is no human who can fulfil all emotional needs, we all are just a human and sooner or later show our human side with all of it non perfections. Sooner or later all the people let you down, most hurt comes from closest people.

What I mean is that you are in pretty good place Jester. That you don't relly on single source of happiness but a lot of it come from within yourself. You don't seek validation from outside but validation comes from inside of you. That's why you are in great place to start relationship cause you love yourself first what is really good and important in any relationship. Your situation reminds me that Lil Wayne song lyrics- No love found, no love lost.

I mean you are so ready but all that's lacking is will to be loved by someone. Cause you are good on your own. I bet there are many people in your life but you take only little bit of each of them and don't put anyone in center of your life so that you don't put all your eggs in one basket.

[TheEvilJester]

In fairness, I don't think that was ever necessarily my problem in love. I never put ALL my hope of happiness into love. It's just I guess that love always felt SO important. It used to always feel like part of me. Like it was partially my calling in life. It was just part of what I felt I needed to be happy... but it was a big part.

Nowadays, I'm finding I don't need it anymore. Maybe I'd still like it. I guess it would be nice if I found it anyway. But I don't need it. I'm fine without. And you are 100% correct. I should look anyway. Hell, that is the best time to look. I just can't find the motivation. I just spent WAY too much time in my life devaluing myself. I don't know if I know how to do it half way. I don't know if I know how to look for love and not go back to my old ways.

Heck, I've talked about this for a while now. Now I know that I COULD try and no matter what happens, even if it goes horribly bad, I would be okay. I'm somehow a new man. I talked, not long ago, about my attitude on it sort of being summed up by the short non-word of "meh." LOL! That's kind of how I feel these days. I wouldn't chase love away if it found me, but I just feel done looking for it. I wish I could shake myself out of that indifference, but I can't and for now that just works for me.

In fact, lately I have been thinking I have so much love to give.... so I'm wondering if maybe my path is somewhere else. Maybe there is some other way I can share that love with the world. I just don't quite know what that path may be yet.

Anyways... blah blah blah! LOL! I'd much rather talk about you. I'm a boring subject. LOL!

[pcmaster]

Yeah that's what I noticed from your activity on forum - how much love you have to give and how much you care. I used forum as a place to give love too 5 years ago. But every time it was another person, people just come and go often without even saying thanks. So I stopped investing in pass goers so much. But I see that you still care a lot about new members too. This attention and care could as well be invested in relationship, in single person. Like put all your miles on one airline. You know bigger benefits and bonuses, get a lot back in return. Maybe now you are OK on your own. But wouldn't it be nice if someone really cared for you? Sure you love yourself enough but it's never too bad to feel important to someone. Sure there a lot of girls who would need a guy like you but maybe you need a girlfriend too. Since you are okay now but how can you know that you are OK? Since you don't have anything good to compare with, since all your life you been okay. Who knows, instead of ok it could be fcking amazing. Excited instead of happy and feeling damn great instead of ok.

You always forget what you give but never forget to forgive.
You don't feel sorry for how much love you have to give but feel sorry for those who don't want any of it.

[TheEvilJester]

Honestly, that is kind of the way I feel about this forum. It's kind of the way I always have. If love doesn't seem to work for me, at least maybe I can help others in some small way to find it themselves. I mean, don't get me wrong. I realize I am just a stranger on a forum. I know it isn't like we can have all that big of an impact just being faceless text on a message board. But, if I am able to help some people even just in some small way, it makes me happy. Even if just to help them realize that they need to appreciate themselves better.

I don't really care if anybody says thanks. I don't care if they even respond back at all after my post. It is nice when they do, but I'm not doing it for gratification or anything like that. I am doing it because I want to help others. Because I know what it can be like to feel so hopelessly alone, and I want to help others not feel that way.

Would it be nice if somebody really cared for me? I don't know. I imagine it would be amazing, sure. I just don't need it now. Not like I always used to need it. I guess now I think of it like having millions of dollars. Sure, that would be freaking awesome.... but I can live without it. I'm not going to go through my life being miserable because I don't have millions of dollars. That's sort of how I feel about love these days.

How can I know that I am okay? Because I spent so much of my life NOT okay. Hell, comparatively I'm not "okay" these days... I'm frigging amazing! Which I somehow managed to achieve all on my own. That romantic side of me will probably always be a part of me. Heck, I guess I wouldn't still be coming here if it wasn't. But, I just owe it to myself to enjoy this, to finally value myself the way I never did before. The way I never could before. Maybe some day I will figure out how to do that and still also look for my true love.... but for now I just can't seem to motivate myself to even want to try. And I don't mean that in a bad way either. I mean that in an "I'm so happy I don't even see the point" kinda way. In an "I'm enjoying this too much to care" kind of way.

Anyway, what's been going on with you? Tell us more about your journey lately with your religious friends.

[pcmaster]

That's cool Jester that you are so happy that you don't see a point. I kind of was there at the beginning of this week too but I always care a bit. Some part of me always want more and think if anything more possible. I mean if I feel fcking amazing and can help other people feel better then whats more left? Well, I would wish to find that one special person to make feel as amazing as me.

But the middle of the week was dark and I fell back in addiction right after coming closer to God and greater feeling than ever. The problem might be that I can't let go last one thing that stands between me and God. I still hold to this old dirty teddy bear in my closet that is The Girl. She the only girl I went all the way and remember that was the seed for relapse. I have to let these feelings go and clean my soul, mind, and spirit. Yesterday teacher([He have his own story]We was at guys guest house and he sure lives richer than even millionaire I visited. And to think he studies bible for 8 years and before that, there was a time when he couldn't help himself without God) of bible studies prayed for me and I felt the heat in my body. That was when Jesus was working, but it didn't save me from multiple relapses today. I feel disgusted with myself now. What's worse that I feel like let down a girl that is a friend. We chat for like a year but never met despite that I wanted it. So not so long ago I said that I will visit the capital city today cause have business there to secure meeting I got a little poetic and wrote -

"Word is such a deep and powerful that there is put time and feelings in it. Just one word for happiness. You are hidden forever in a quiet word - yes..."

And today I was too lazy to go but she said she needs food for cats so she went to the capital city. Yesterday I was thinking she doesn't want to meet since she didn't say yes but said will see what happens.

I wouldn't write an update at all but you asked for it Jester so I answered.

Also, the guy from nofap forum requited me for 7 phase challenge. The goal is to go for 365 without PMO while competing with many other fapstronauts. I been trying to go a year clean for more than a year but got only 345 days normal mode before started to relapse. This time I am aiming for a year hard mode. Right now on day 0. My game plan is to not just to go to church and read bible what is taking care of my spirit but also take care of my body using tricks to reduce sex drive like since tomorrow I'm taking 2 cold showers a day and avoiding sugar in diet, and going to sleep early and waking early without snoozing. That should make me stronger against temptation.