please help. messed up situation after being left by a coworker/ friend.

[TheEvilJester]

1. How do I not let those feelings of doubt ruin everything?
sometimes it gets rather difficult. Like if he doesn't text me or call me for a few hours I start getting these annoying intrusive thoughts like 'oh no, he probably realized he doesn't want me anymore...' or something like that. And I wasn't this insecure before. I guess it's natural with what we've had in the past. I dont' want to be this paranoid insecure crazy jealous girlfriend. So I am trying to be chill about it and I didn't say anything about this to him yet. Should I?

I mean, if you ever figure out the magical answer to that one, please share it with us. LOL! Honestly, I think the trick is to learn, as best you can, to engage your intellectual side too. Sometimes you can't help those negative thoughts. You text and he doesn't get back to you IMMEDIATELY and that voice in your brain says "Well... it's over. He doesn't like me anymore." When in reality, he probably didn't see it yet.... or he was busy with something and couldn't answer quite yet. ...Or he ultimately texts you back a minute later instead of 30 second later. LOL! Believe me, I'm not making fun. I 100% understand how you feel.

So sometimes the trick is just learning to rationalize with yourself. When that voice starts going crazy with doubt, you just sit there and think it out. Like "You know... I did text him during work hours. Maybe he's just busy, or in a meeting or something." Or "You know... some people just aren't big on texting. As long as he gets back to me, who cares if it isn't right away? Things are going great right now, so why would I think that they aren't just because of a text?"

Believe me, it is not easy to do at first, but it is like any skill. You get better in time. Honestly, the truth is worrying so much isn't helpful. If things are going to go bad, that's going to happen anyway whether you keep worrying about it or not. If things AREN'T going to go bad, then you'll see that and in time you'll feel better.

So, I know it is SO much easier said than done, but I think the best thing to do for that is just learn to better manage it. To better rationalize it out in your own mind. If my personal experience is any good example, you'll never completely stop those thoughts. To try to force yourself to do so just makes them worse. So, better to learn to understand them more, and understand when you are worrying for no reason. Understand when you can easily and rationally explain to yourself why you are probably just worrying too much.

But, there may come times when you can't quite do that. When the doubt is too nagging. As long as you don't let it get to that point too much, it doesn't hurt to talk to him about it now and then. Not in an accusatory way, mind you. Not something like "Why do you take so long to text me. Don't you care?" More so maybe something like "Hey, is everything okay? I feel like we aren't talking as much." Or something like that. I don't know how exactly to articulate what I mean, but hopefully you get the idea.

2. I don't want to seem too chill. since he said he wants a real serious relationship. We even joked about buying an apartment together. I want to reassure him that I want the same thing too. Because I know I can seem not very serious about stuff and even seem that I don't care, which is not the case here at all.
How can I communicate this to him? So that he knows that I am serious about us and that I am in this for the long run, but at the same time without seeing to clingy or something so don't scare him away also. But maybe he wouldn't get scared since he said it himself he wants a real serious long thing?

You know, with that one I think the best advice is just to be true to who you are/how you feel. In other words, don't overdo it trying to appear chill.... but also don't go overboard trying to seem way too into it. Just be honest and open about how you are feeling. Within reason, of course. Just as an extreme example, if you just started dating somebody and you were already dropping marriage hints.... yeah.... probably you should dial it back. LOL!

I think with that, just enjoy it for what it is and let time show you where it is going. But, at the same time, don't be afraid to talk about it now and then. Now may be a little too early to have all that serious a talk... but in time if things seem to be going well, it doesn't hurt to talk about it. See if you two are on the same page. If you two are equally feeling like this could grow to be something special. I wish it were easier to explain what I mean. It's such a delicate balance that I don't quite now how to put it in words. But, again, I think you learn that balance with time. If a few months pass and you two are together, but nothing seems to be moving forward at all... maybe that's a time to talk about it. But, for now I think just enjoy it and see where things take you.

Best of luck to you. I hope it continues to go well. And, like I said... if it does I think you'll see that will help you calm down a little in time.

[peace.fairy]

Thank you once again. I really appreciate your advice. It feels like you really get how I feel. It's very very helpful to have that.

I am trying to rationalize whenever those feelings of doubt arise, but I my emotions always control me. I always act up on emotions rather than the rational side. So it is very very difficult. And I also light up really fast and tend to make mountains out of molehills.... Which is bad I know.

But I don't think things are going that well actually.
I want to share what happened this morning.

He came over last night. We spent a great night together. Then this morning he woke up and seemed to be in such a rush to get out of here. He didn't want any breakfast, he just got up got dressed and left. I asked him what his plans were for today he just said 'it's a nice day outside, I am gonna go for a walk'. I asked him if he wants to go alone and he asked if I wanted to go too but when I said yes, he didn't say anything. And then when he was leaving I asked if everything is ok, he said 'yeah, I am just sick of lying in bed and not being able to sleep and I want to move and go do things. Don't make a big deal out of this'. He was annoyed because he didn't sleep well and maybe I am overreacting but given all our history, I can't help but think he's not really that into me...

1. First of all. This is our first weekend as a couple. I get that there isn't that 'first joy' when you're all in love and can't keep your hands off of each other - it's not like we just met and we aren't starting from zero - there's a lot of history here. But still shouldn't it be like a little celebration? Spending all day together, watching movies, reading books, going for walks TOGETHER, even just hanging around and doing nothing, but TOGETHER. And now this just feels wrong.

Last week, before we became a couple, when he used to come over every time he was saying how he will fix my broken wardrobe how he will fix my leaking toilet tank and every time he seemed so excited to see me.
And when he came over on Sunday night and said he can't spend a day without me and wants me to live even closer and that he's fallen in love with me and wants to be with me and he wanted to go away for the weekend and we were just lying here holding each other... And that night when we slept here at my place, he was holding me the entire night and we didn't sleep much but still the next day he was smiling like never and was just happy.

And now a week later and this. He turns his back to me when he sleeps and I am 'the big spoon' like 95% of the time.

1. Maybe he's not in love and really isn't much into me at all and he really just wants sex and thought there is no chance I could do the whole friends with benefits thing again, so we need to be a 'couple' in order for him to get what he wants. He will just do some 'couply ' things and that's it. Thought I don't really think so - he really seemed into me and he missed me a lot when we were not talking...But that's still an option.

2. maybe he really is THAT unstable and his feelings do change just like that. One day he feels in love the next day he doesn't even want to see me. And he doesn't even realize how shitty his behavior is and how all that makes me feel. And maybe he's just selfish. Like 'I am pissed off because I couldn't sleep well so I am gonna go home as fast as possible and go do my own things' and doesn't even care that I am upset about this. But I can't even imagine how somebody could treat someone like that. Especially when saying how important for him I am and how he cares about me and that he would never never want to hurt me. Maybe he doesn't understand what hurts me. Because his actions don't always match those words.

3. maybe it's really nothing. i am just totally overreacting and he was just cranky because of lack of sleep. He did hug me very sweet and kissed me and said 'don't make a big deal out of this'. still I would have wanted him to say something like 'it's all ok, dont worry, I just want some time for myself, it has nothing to do with you, see you later..'

But now I feel mad. Just mad at him.
Acting shitty and being honest about it doesn't make it right. And when he was saying that he is not sure if we will make it and not sure if this is gonna be forever he said 'well, at least I am honest with you. And I have always been honest'...
How can he not think about how I feel? I mean he knows he has hurt me in the past. And he knows how I felt and still feel about him. And then comes to me and says all those things about being in love and stuff and then starts getting distant again.... But at least 'hes is still honest'.. Couldn't he think for a little while longer and make sure about his actions instead of 'being honest'... And consider my feelings for once instead of acting upon his... This sucks.

[Hooo!]

Please learn to communicate your emotions without offending others
So you have the chance to be constructive about it

[TheEvilJester]

Thank you once again. I really appreciate your advice. It feels like you really get how I feel. It's very very helpful to have that.

I am glad if I am able to help even if just a little bit. And, truth be told, there is a pretty good reason why it seems I am able to understand how you feel. It is because, honestly, I DO. I've been there myself. I have always done the same kind of thing to myself in my past. I've had so few people I can trust in life, and been hurt way more often than I care to remember, that is had made me super sensitive. I wasn't willing to let people in, and when I did it would often be a nerve-wracking experience for me. Every little thing I saw as a sign that they suddenly hated me. Sometimes in the past it led to me basically making it a self-fulfilling prophecy. I unintentionally drove away people who MAYBE would have otherwise been good for me.

After a while, I finally realized a couple very important facts. 1) Good people DON'T just up and suddenly decide they hate you for no reason. Especially not somebody who was your friend/romantic partner/family/etc. 2) Anybody who WOULD just up and lose interest in somebody at the drop of a hat is a bad person and doesn't deserve me anyway. I deserve better than that, and that person is truly doing me a favor by removing them from my life.

It didn't work right away. But, in time, that helped me to be able to calm down so much more in general. To realize that I'm going to have those annoying nagging doubts, but that more often than not they are just me worrying over nothing. To realize that if I AM worrying for real reasons, that will become obvious enough in time anyway. So no need to drive myself crazy worrying about things I can't control.

You'll get there too. It isn't an over-night thing. It takes time, it takes work. But, you can get there. You can learn to better understand and better rationalize those thoughts.

I am trying to rationalize whenever those feelings of doubt arise, but I my emotions always control me. I always act up on emotions rather than the rational side. So it is very very difficult. And I also light up really fast and tend to make mountains out of molehills.... Which is bad I know.

I just got done saying this in another thread too. Rome wasn't built in a day. Your emotions control you NOW... but that doesn't mean they have to forever. Honestly, the very fact that you are able to say that... that you are aware of that about yourself is a BIG first step. There are so many people in this world who have issues like this (or even other things) and either cannot see or refuse to admit that there is anything wrong. Knowing you do this to yourself and wanting to change that are a BIG step.

Please also don't take this the wrong way.... but if you are finding it too hard to get through on your own, please do not hesitate to seek professional help to do so. There is NO weakness in being able to realize when you could use help and being able to seek it out. We could all use that sometimes. Maybe you CAN get through all this on your own... but if you need the extra help don't hesitate to search it out.

But I don't think things are going that well actually.
I want to share what happened this morning.

He came over last night. We spent a great night together. Then this morning he woke up and seemed to be in such a rush to get out of here. He didn't want any breakfast, he just got up got dressed and left. I asked him what his plans were for today he just said 'it's a nice day outside, I am gonna go for a walk'. I asked him if he wants to go alone and he asked if I wanted to go too but when I said yes, he didn't say anything. And then when he was leaving I asked if everything is ok, he said 'yeah, I am just sick of lying in bed and not being able to sleep and I want to move and go do things. Don't make a big deal out of this'. He was annoyed because he didn't sleep well and maybe I am overreacting but given all our history, I can't help but think he's not really that into me...

1. First of all. This is our first weekend as a couple. I get that there isn't that 'first joy' when you're all in love and can't keep your hands off of each other - it's not like we just met and we aren't starting from zero - there's a lot of history here. But still shouldn't it be like a little celebration? Spending all day together, watching movies, reading books, going for walks TOGETHER, even just hanging around and doing nothing, but TOGETHER. And now this just feels wrong.

Last week, before we became a couple, when he used to come over every time he was saying how he will fix my broken wardrobe how he will fix my leaking toilet tank and every time he seemed so excited to see me.
And when he came over on Sunday night and said he can't spend a day without me and wants me to live even closer and that he's fallen in love with me and wants to be with me and he wanted to go away for the weekend and we were just lying here holding each other... And that night when we slept here at my place, he was holding me the entire night and we didn't sleep much but still the next day he was smiling like never and was just happy.

And now a week later and this. He turns his back to me when he sleeps and I am 'the big spoon' like 95% of the time.

1. Maybe he's not in love and really isn't much into me at all and he really just wants sex and thought there is no chance I could do the whole friends with benefits thing again, so we need to be a 'couple' in order for him to get what he wants. He will just do some 'couply ' things and that's it. Thought I don't really think so - he really seemed into me and he missed me a lot when we were not talking...But that's still an option.

2. maybe he really is THAT unstable and his feelings do change just like that. One day he feels in love the next day he doesn't even want to see me. And he doesn't even realize how shitty his behavior is and how all that makes me feel. And maybe he's just selfish. Like 'I am pissed off because I couldn't sleep well so I am gonna go home as fast as possible and go do my own things' and doesn't even care that I am upset about this. But I can't even imagine how somebody could treat someone like that. Especially when saying how important for him I am and how he cares about me and that he would never never want to hurt me. Maybe he doesn't understand what hurts me. Because his actions don't always match those words.

3. maybe it's really nothing. i am just totally overreacting and he was just cranky because of lack of sleep. He did hug me very sweet and kissed me and said 'don't make a big deal out of this'. still I would have wanted him to say something like 'it's all ok, dont worry, I just want some time for myself, it has nothing to do with you, see you later..'

But now I feel mad. Just mad at him.
Acting shitty and being honest about it doesn't make it right. And when he was saying that he is not sure if we will make it and not sure if this is gonna be forever he said 'well, at least I am honest with you. And I have always been honest'...
How can he not think about how I feel? I mean he knows he has hurt me in the past. And he knows how I felt and still feel about him. And then comes to me and says all those things about being in love and stuff and then starts getting distant again.... But at least 'hes is still honest'.. Couldn't he think for a little while longer and make sure about his actions instead of 'being honest'... And consider my feelings for once instead of acting upon his... This sucks.

Okay, so here I actually have a few varied thoughts. Firstly, I definitely get how you feel here. I would 100% be thinking the same as you. You two are so new into deciding to actually give the relationship a serious shot. I too would think it should be exciting and new. Even despite the history you two already had together, this is still fairly new. You two actually deciding to make an honest try is new. So I absolutely understand your concern that you don't feel he seems AS into it.

...The thing is, I've always been a big romantic. So for me it is easy to think that. Guys aren't always like that. He may be just as into you... he may just not be the super lovey dovey, super romantic type. From what you shared, there is a lot that seems to be going well. You two do hold each other, and kiss, and sleep together. Stuff like that. So, this MAY well be a case of your mind clinging to the ONE or TWO negative things and elevating them above all the positive.

That doesn't necessarily mean I'm saying he's completely innocent. He absolutely could have been a lot more sensitive in his approach. Putting myself in his situation, I could see if I didn't get much sleep that I may be tired, a little cranky, and a little stir-crazy. But instead of saying "Don't make a big deal out of this" I'd have considered how that might sound and instead said something like "Everything's okay. I just didn't get much sleep so I didn't feel like laying around anymore. Sorry."

The way he put it struck me as insensitive too, so I can imagine how it felt to you. But.... again.... he probably didn't mean it the way it sounded. Also, in general you say it has only been about a week since you two finally started officially dating. I honestly think that is a little too early to make a call anyway. Was it just a bad example of him on a bad day... or is that just what he's like? I think it's too early to tell. So, for now, maybe you just chalk it up to being a bad day and see how things go. If this turns out to just be who he is... that's he's just insensitive and doesn't seem to notice or care to change it... then maybe that is something that could/should give you second thoughts.

But, as best you can, try not to worry too much for right now. As I said, if it ultimately isn't going to work out, that will become pretty obvious in time. No amount of worrying yourself over it would change it. So instead, why not enjoy it for now? Why not see how things go? If they go well, that should naturally help you feel a little more calm anyway. If they don't, then that will tell you everything you need to know anyway.

Again, take it from somebody who knows.... that is all MUCH easier said than done. Not an easy balance to learn. And it isn't something you will probably ever get rid of completely. Even I can't help but have those doubts myself now and then. But you can get better at it with time and practice.

And as a quick side note: I definitely agree with you as it relates to his honesty. Honesty is GENERALLY a good thing. But, there's a difference between being honest and just being an a-hole. There ARE times when full honesty is actually a bad thing and/or when there are more tactful ways to be honest. Heck, there are even times when brutal honesty may be necessary... but some people don't seem to realize that isn't ALL the time. Some people fail to realize that you CAN be honest without being a prick.

You deserve to be happy, and you deserve to find somebody great. Hopefully he turns out to be that somebody... but if not it WILL be somebody else some day. Best of luck to you.

[peace.fairy]

we figured that one out. turned out it was jut him being grumpy after not getting enough sleep... we had a great day later on and a whole great week after that.

Now a new problem. And I ask for IMMEDIATE ADVICE PLEASE.

I went on a trip for the last two weeks. Before that we've been in a relationship for two weeks. Was wonderful. The trip was planned way before this and it was planned with my ex. it wasn't just the two of us a group of 8 people went on that trip including of course my ex. I wasn't really feeling like going, but I had already payed for a lot of stuff there so I went anyways. was incredibly sad to leave my bf for such a long time, especially when things were going so well and he was sad that I was leaving too...

we talked on messenger while I was away almost every day. well maybe every other day. because at first I was texting him a lot but he wasn't very responsive, so I didn't want to seem too clingy and texted him less often. i texted him several times that I missed him and that I wish he was there with me, but he never texted back that he missed me to or anything like that.

Last night I came back. Went over to his place to take my keys (he was feeding my cat while I was away). I assumed I would stay over, because we havn't seen each other for two weeks and I really missed him, but he didn't seem to have missed me at all... He was a little sick (caught a cold) and when I kissed him he didn't kiss me back and just mumbled 'don't catch my bacteria..' and then said I should go home, because my cat really missed me and I said I missed the cat too and I missed him a lot as well. he did not say anything to that. just made a loud breath... so I left...

this morning I texted him to come over on his way to work to talk because all that last night seemed like everyghin has changed and I don't understand at all what happened. he replied he's running late already, but all that as weird, so let's talk in the evening.... I said that this making me wait is cruel and asked if he doesnt care at all that he can just wait calmly till the evening.... he told me not to be overdramatic and said he does care but there are very important projects at work and he cares about that too. which I undedrstand, but still....

Now I am not sure what to expect. I think it's one of the two:

1. he is jealous I went on that trip with my ex and he thinks I probably cheated on him or something...
he had a girlfriend (wife actually) who went on a trip for a month and came back and broke up with him. so might be this trauma playing here too..

2. he just really didn't miss me at all and understood he doesn't feel anything to me after all and already has decided to end this (once again)...

If it's the first thing I can fix it. But I am scared it's the second one... Though the situation is a bit similar to the one I told before and that went well after all, so I hope it's gonna be fine this time too.

But maybe you have some advice on how better to respond to either of these scenarios ?

[peace.fairy]

so turned out he DID change his mind about being with me. AGAIN. and he left me. AGAIN.
I cannot believe that somebody can do this. Especially when he says how important I am to him and how much he cares for me and values my friendship and how he never wants to hurt me... and then goes and does this.

long story short:
couple months ago we 'tried' dating for a week, because there was a lot going on between us.
Then he said he doesnt really feel anything for me and see no future for us and left me.
I was hurt and didn't speak to him for three weeks.
then i started talking to him again and then for the whole week we were best friends again and he said he missed me like crazy and was extremely happy to speak to me again. I could feel the whole time that he liked me more and more.
then he came over once and said he can't spend a day without me and has fallen in love with me (his actual words) and wants to be together.
we were together for two weeks. a real couple, and actual relationship. he even said how he wants a longterm serious relationship. I thought finally all is how it's supposed to be and we are finally together.
then I went on that trip for two weeks. even the morning I left he said 'don't go...I'll be so sad without you...
and then the moment I come home after two weeks of not seeing him and having missed him so much he is all cold to me and then says we need to break up.

he said, he doesn't want to but that he is not sure 100% that we will be together forever and he already has doubts about being with me so it will be even worse later and we need to break up. and he said he imagines what kind of some perfect relationship he wants and ours just wasn't it. and said that he knows probably nobody will like him like I do and will be much more difficult in any other relationship but maybe that's what he needs (meaning it's too easy with me). and he said he will always be jealous seeing me with somebody else and he wants me to like him, and he wants to be with me when he is not, but then when we are together he starts to not want to be with me anymore.... and it's been like this the whole time (while we were friends with benefits, while we were just friends and while we were in an actual relationship...) and he says if it was meant to be, he would just be with me and not go back and forth all the time...but i think he is jus extremely emotionally unstable and doesn't even realise how much he is hurting me.

I am so hurt and so mad. And I absolutely can't even begin to understand how somebody can do this. it's not like we're in 7th grade.. we are both 30 years old!

@TheEvilJester please, give me some of your wisdom. to make me understand what the hell happened and make me feel at least a little bit whole again. now I am a total mess. I can't even be at home alone. it just hurts. everything seems to remind me of him and he lives less than two minutes from me. not to mention we work together and also have a side project together... like today is a national holiday, but I came to work, as soon as I woke up. i just couldn't be at home. taking a shower all I can think about is how we took baths there together and how we smoked outside my bathroom window... and I can barely eat anything. just have this constant lump in my chest and feel sick all the time...

I just don't understand how people can be like that. How is it possible to say you fell in love with someone and you want a serious relationship and then as soon as you have a doubt you just turn away and leave. and how can you say someone is so important and so special to you and that you would never want to hurt them and then do this. it's jut plain cruel. does he not understand at all what he is doing or is all he says just some bs and he only thinks of himself...

[TheEvilJester]

Sorry that I missed this. I haven't had time to come back to this site for a bit. I am even more sorry that this happened to you. I'll be honest, I was worried for you hearing that he finally agreed to give it an honest try with you. I didn't like the way he had treated you in the past and didn't feel too confident it would go well this time. But, I wanted you to be happy. Hence why I'd never tell you "DON'T" I'd only tell you "proceed with caution."

I very much wish my concerns would have all been for naught. But, it sounds like he did this to you all over again. And, believe me, I understand how you are feeling now. Maybe I can put a little bit of a different spin on it for you, though....

Think of it this way.... now you finally know for sure. Let's say you had just decided to forget him. To decide it was never going to be, so you were just going to move on. ....MAYBE there would have been part of you always doubting. Always thinking there COULD have been something special there. Always wondering if you'd missed out. ...Well, now you know. He's an idiot. He's an insensitive prick.

Honestly, I'd still like to give him the benefit of the doubt. To think maybe he HONESTLY thought there could be something there and wanted to give it a real chance. That he's doing the right thing by breaking it off sooner rather than later if he just feels it isn't right. But given the details you've shared about it all, I don't get that sense. I get the sense he's an immature man-child who doesn't know what the Hell he wants. Who doesn't care who he hurts as long as he gets what he wants.

Hell, though... let's pretend for a minute I'm wrong. That he was being 100% sincere. That he 100% did NOT mean to hurt you. ....The end result is the same anyway. He DID hurt you. And, the end result is the same.... you deserve better.

That will be hard for you to see at first. You are hurting now, and that makes sense. But you'll see that in time and you'll feel better. And eventually you'll find a REAL man who will treat you the way you deserve. Like I said, at least the silver-lining you can take out of this is now you know for sure. Otherwise, maybe part of you would have still wondered.

If I were you... IF he tries to talk to you... I'd personally just tell him in a firm but fair way (you don't need to be nasty, but you also don't need to worry about his feelings since he didn't care about yours) that you wish him no ill will, but that you need to move on. That you can't be friends, but in time maybe you can be FRIENDLY. But, for now, he needs to leave you alone and let you move on.

Hopefully he respects that and gives you the distance you need. If not... you may need to become less polite about it. Best of luck to you. You WILL be okay. I am so sorry this happened to you, but you ARE strong enough to get through it... even be better for it. You may not be able to see that yourself yet, but you will.