Blames me after going MIA?

[lovemuffin]

I met a guy online recently. We ended up texting for 5 hours on a Sunday then talking on the phone another 2 hours. He told me he was so into me and couldn't wait to meet me hard to find a woman with my qualities and I'm the kind of woman who'd want to spend the rest of his life etc. When he made these grand gestures I often told him to stop and it was too early to be saying such things seeing as we hadn't even met yet.

We finally met after about 3 days later after lots of continued texts and phone calls inbetween and had a great time. The next time we got together he ended up coming back to my place and we got intimate and seemed to have great sexual chemistry. We were lying in Blissful heaven after when he all of a sudden announced he had to leave. He works nights and said he wasn't going to be able to sleep or wouldn't sleep unless he was in his place and said he felt like an ass*** leaving. I told him I was bummed but if he didn't feel comfortable yes he should leave.

The next day I did not get his usual morning text as I had been getting every day but I didn't know if he went home and went right to bed. I didn't hear from him all the rest of the day either. Finally around 5:00pm I texted hi. He didn't respond. I sent another text at 9:00pm "do you not want to talk to me?"... no response. He goes into work at 11 p.m. so I called him a few times
around 10:30...no response and his phone appeared shut off the last time I called.

I ended up talking to him the next night and told me his back has been killing him so much he didnt even go into work the day in question. I asked why he didn't text or call me at all that day. He said he had been sleeping most the time ( that would have been from 8 a.m. to 10 p.m.) and when he woke up and saw all the times I called it really put him off and he didnt want to see me anymore bcuz of it.

I am so confused. This guy seemed crazy about me.

- - - Updated - - -

Also, when I asked him why he couldn't have just even sent a simple hi text and told me what was going on he said his back hurts so much it hurt to even pick up the phone.

[GLYC]

I would write him off.

we make time and put in effort for those that are important to us. He should be ecstatic to hear from you. You're right about the 8am to 10pm sleeping thing, it's just an excuse to not hurt your feelings. Men and women will both do this. Look more at actions, not words. Actions tell you everything.

It was rude of him, and I honestly feel like he probably played you a little bit. The grand gestures were a bit off, he hadn't even met you yet, I mean, how well can you really get to know someone in that short of time? That was a red flag.

I wouldn't be hard on yourself. However. In the future, I wouldn't send quite as many responses, usually one call or a text is enough. If they dont respond, they arent interested, sending more wont help.

His back hurt so much it hurt to pick up the phone.. Such a joke.

I wouldn't say anything else to him. It sounds like he was likely after just one thing, unfortunately.
Hes not worth the energy.

[TheEvilJester]

How many times in all did you text and call him? I just ask out of curiosity.....

Because in my personal opinion, it really doesn't matter. I can't know this for sure.... but that sounds to me like just a complete BS excuse he is using to try to make it look like YOUR fault that he lost interest. Rather than to admit he's just a pig who got what he wants and was planning to move on anyway. I could very well be wrong... but that is my gut reaction. (Note: Just for clarification.... if he only wanted sex, that doesn't automatically make him a pig.... IF he'd been honest about it. What makes him a pig is all the "you are so amazing, you are the girl of my dreams" kind of talk then followed by him getting sex and then hightailing it out of there.)

Either way, I highly agree with GLYC. I'd suggest forgetting him and moving on. You deserve better.

[lovemuffin]

Thanks for your responses and confirmation!

He would text me every morning good morning and then would continue to talk throughout the entire day and night. The night after our date he didn't text me at all so at 5 p.m. I just texted "Hey". No response so at 9 I texted him again "You don't want to talk to me?" No response. He starts work at 11 p.m. so around 10:30 I texted him a bunch of question marks and called about three times in a row just so in shock he wasnt responding because even during the date he said things like we should come back to this restaurant sometime..cslled me "baby" as he was leaving.

When we did talk again and I confronted him another thing he said was you're not the woman in the photos. I said do you mean physically speaking? He said no when I asked him later again he said you look exactly the same in real life... So no idea what he was getting at can only imagine he meant physically so I asked a couple friends to be really honest and let me know if I don't look like my photos that are 0 to 2 years old now. They said they look just like me still.

[TheEvilJester]

I will say this... based on what you shared I do think you probably shouldn't have called and texted as much as you did. Don't get me wrong, I 100% understand why you did and how you were feeling at the time. I also 100% understand, in the moment, feeling like you just want an answer. But, it was probably best to leave it at the one or two texts and then just give him the chance to either respond or not. ...At least for a bit, anyway. If he didn't get back for days then I'd say go ahead and call him out on it.

....BUT... and this is a big BUT here....

Based on what you shared that still does NOT make his reaction okay AT ALL. The amount you texted and called him was maybe a tad overboard. ....keywords there being MAYBE and a TAD. As in any normal human being on his side of the equation should have just laughed it off and admitted their own fault in that they should have been more responsive in the first place.

The other big but here is that you shouldn't have texted and called so much.... because you shouldn't HAVE TO. If he were an honest man, true to his word, then you shouldn't have even been put in the position to feel like you had to pester him into responding. So, don't beat yourself up too much. But definitely do learn a lesson from this.

You deserve better than to have to chase somebody down like that just to get attention. Heck, given what happened the most likely truth is either A) He's a pig, he lied to you from the start, got what he wanted and was planning to run, and is using this as his excuse to make it look like your fault or B) He's a psycho, and the slightest little thing that miffs him would have been way overblown and the relationship probably would have been tumultuous anyway.

Option A is probably much more likely, but either way I think you dodged a bullet. I do wish you didn't have to even run into a jerk like that in the first place, but at least you found out sooner rather than later that he was no good. You deserve MUCH better. Don't waste your time on a creep like that. You will find somebody great some day. For now, just focus on appreciating yourself. Good luck!

[lovemuffin]

Thanks for your response TEJ. I did tell him off regarding his extreme love bombing which unfortunately I started to fall for because I called them on it so many times and he would insist his feelings were real. I guess love-bombing is sort of a new thing and considered the most toxic approach regarding online dating. It threw me for such a loop I could hardly get out of bed the next day thank God it was a weekend... And I've read people have had similar reactions. Absolutely horrible.

[TheEvilJester]

As a life long romantic (HOPELESS romantic, I'd even say, LOL) that actually is a huge pet peeve of mine as well. I have, from experience, grown wise enough to engage my intellectual side. I could be madly crushing on somebody... but I still have that sensible side of me that allows me to enjoy the crush... but also realize that it could be just that. Just a crush. That, until I know better, the person could wind up not being so great after all.

...What the Hell was my point? LOL! Bit of a tangent there. ...Oh yeah...

Thing is, I still have (or... I guess HAD) that romantic side that WANTS to fall in love. So, like you, if somebody pulled that kind of crap with me I'd initially resist it (especially so early).... but there'd be part of me finding it hard not to want to fall for it. I think, much like you, in time I'd start to believe it and get attached to the idea. Hence why I think that kind of talk should wait not only until you really mean it, but also when you are sure. Not in that early, exciting, honeymoon phase because that can be when it is just exciting and new. To me, all that lovey dovey, you are amazing talk belongs in a committed relationship, not the just dating phase. No matter how much one/both of you may think you are getting along.

This guy sounds to me like a scumbag who USES that lovey dovey talk to get exactly what he wants. Even such to the point where you weren't having it at first... but he persisted enough to make you believe him.... only to pull his disappearing act like the pig he is.

...UGH! Sorry. I kind of ran away with that one. But that is just a big pet peeve of mine. Which is kind of funny considering it isn't something that's ever happened to me. I think it's just that, in my past, I've had enough problems believing in myself enough to find women. So, the mere thought of somebody exploiting somebody's romantic feelings like that makes me angry because I kind empathize. I can imagine myself in that kind of situation... finally thinking I found somebody great only to be used in the end.

Again, you are so much better off. I'm so sorry this happened to you, but you are better off without this scumbag in your life. You'll find somebody great some day. But, for right now just remember that you ARE somebody great. You deserve a chance to be happy with you.

[lovemuffin]

Yes and not for nothing but he is from a Muslim country which dating is looked down upon in a way so I think it's partly cultural that they feel they have to be almost discussing marriage in order to feel okay with sex or something or like another Muslim guy had forgotten about did the same thing years ago and maybe it's just a tactic that works well specially on unwitting foreigners.

[TheEvilJester]

I can't speak to their culture as I don't know it well enough. But, even if dating is looked down upon in their culture, I would have to imagine using somebody the way he used do is exactly smiled upon. Heck, I'd think that is probably even more reprehensible in a culture that disagrees with dating around. He acted in love to get what he wanted and then ran.

Heck, we Americans are much less proper than that (I SO live in the wrong culture, LOL!), especially these days, and even we generally think of somebody like that as a scumbag.

Guys like this anger me on another level too. I'm the kind of guy who WOULD say those things to a woman and actually MEAN them. I wouldn't say them as early on as he did, of course... but I would say them eventually if/when I meant them. But, guys like this jerk give all guys a bad name. Makes me feel like actual honest guys won't be believed. Like guys who actually ARE sincere will have such a hard time not just being mistrusted as just another pig. As if it isn't hard enough already for guys like me.

Again, like I said, you are better off without him. You'll find somebody SO much better some day. Somebody sincere as well.

[lovemuffin]

Thanks again....dating today is horrible...thank you for being one of the good guys.

[lovemuffin]

Ugh...still feeling Fd-up about this and like I screwed it up. How upset would anyone else have felt if guy left in middle of the night and no usual texts the next day? Yeah maybe my calling him a bunch of times was out of line but was my feeling upset out of line? And...if he was so crazy about me...would calling a bunch of times really be enough to make him not want to see me anymore? U also sent him a "Wtf?" I just remembered around the same time...but really if he was crazy about me that would be enough to deter for anyone?

[GLYC]

Ugh...still feeling Fd-up about this and like I screwed it up. How upset would anyone else have felt if guy left in middle of the night and no usual texts the next day? Yeah maybe my calling him a bunch of times was out of line but was my feeling upset out of line? And...if he was so crazy about me...would calling a bunch of times really be enough to make him not want to see me anymore? U also sent him a "Wtf?" I just remembered around the same time...but really if he was crazy about me that would be enough to deter for anyone?

Sounds like some insecurities on your part. I don't want to bash you, but I urge for you to reexamine yourself, your priorities, and what you expect out if your partners/relationships. Do you want to be treated as a second class citizen? I wouldn't. And while I understand you will not be everyone's 100% priority at all times, look over your initial post and ask yourself if this is something a good teammate would do to you. And this is the beginning, he should be trying to put his best foot forward if anything.

[lovemuffin]

Hmmm...well no not insecure I think just kind of in shock still after he lovebombed then ghosted...never been through that and apparently not alone in my reaction...just still confused which is a byproduct of it..

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lifetime-connections/201804/love-bombing-narcissists-secret-weapon%3famp

[TheEvilJester]

thank you for being one of the good guys.

Oh, I never said that. I'm pure evil. LOL! I'm just a much more classy kind of evil. (Okay, so I'm kinda sorta kidding, I guess. LOL!)

Guys like him make me sick. Love bombing is a good word for it. Narcissism is probably very likely as well. He sounds like the kind of guy who... in his own mind only... can never be wrong. No matter what terrible things he does, or what terrible things happen to him, it is somehow always somebody else's fault.

I think all of us can be A LITTLE guilty of that kind of thing SOMETIMES. We maybe do or say something we shouldn't, but part of us feels like it was justified and the fault of other people and not ours. ....But that is the exception rather than the norm, and we generally are able to reflect back on it later and realize we were at least partially to blame for our own situation. People like this guy seem to lack that common sense. Heck, I've even known some who will tell stories later of what happened to them and embellish, bend the truth, and even downright completely LIE to make themselves look like the perfect angel in the story and everybody else the villain.

Anyway, there I go again. Blah blah blah. LOL! Basically, my point is you are much better off without this guy. Early on, you may need to remind yourself of that. Don't dwell too much in it, but it doesn't hurt to think of all the BS and drama he brought into your life if you ever feel yourself drifting back to wanting him back. Remember that the person you really want was never really who he was and will probably never be who he is. You wanted the imaginary him he pretended to be just long enough to reel you in. Shame on him for that. Best of luck to you. Someday you'll find somebody great, but until then just re-learn to appreciate yourself.

[lovemuffin]

Thanks guys...but still curious if you guys would have written-off a woman who reacted like I did?