Is this a real apology?

[lovemuffin]

"You know I love you right?....and I'm sorry for everything I said, I really am...but I love you and you're a big part of my life."

Ive heard that any time an apology is followed up with a "but" it's not sincere...but given what followed was "I love you and you're a big part of my life" I'm not sure what to make of it in this case.

[TheEvilJester]

I think this is way too little information for us to really comment effectively. If you are willing to share more details, we could maybe better comment. Such as what happened that required an apology in the first place? In your opinion did they SOUND sincere? Does it seem they actually ARE sorry for what they did/said, or does it seem like they are just sorry because it got them in trouble?

I don't necessarily agree that an apology is AUTOMATICALLY insincere if it involves a but. I do honestly think you can LEGITIMATELY be sorry for your own wrong-doing, but also feel that you were still wronged as well.... or that even though you were wrong and admit it, it at least has an explanation. Doesn't necessarily mean you think the explanation makes it okay, but just that you want to person to understand.

Yes, an apology with a but attached CAN be insincere. It CAN mean they are just apologizing in hopes it will fix things but they don't really mean it. But I don't think it automatically does. Especially not the particular but you mentioned. Really, what is more telling is whether they truly do make a sincere effort to correct whatever the issue may have been and/or actually do seem to realize where and how they were wrong.

[GLYC]

I think you have to look at the context, usually when "but" is an exception to insincerity it would be something like this..

"I'm sorry I made you feel that way, but it's just so annoying when you act that way".

I agree with the post above that what you provided is little information to go off of, and my overall post is really a mirror to the rest of what he is saying as well.

[TheEvilJester]

Examples of bad apologies with a but:

"I'm sorry I hurt your feeling, but you're just so annoying."
"I'm sorry I said you are an idiot, but you're just so stupid."
"I'm sorry I get mad and yelled at you, but the sun was in my eyes.... and my mom and I had just had a fight.... and I had just lost the lottery.... and a cop pulled me over for no reason. I mean, I was speeding.... a lot... but they didn't have to pull me over."

LOL! In other words, bad apologies including a but are ones that make it seem obvious they are not actually sorry. If the "but" itself doesn't seem to negate their apology, then it may not be insincere after all.

Only reason I bring that up is because an apology with a but doesn't automatically mean it isn't insincere. For example, say a couple had an argument. Things got heated. As is often the case in life, they both were a little wrong and a little right. Now they've calmed down a bit and come together to talk. An actually GOOD apology that does include a but could sound something like:

"I'm really sorry I blew up at you, but the way you were acting really made me feel belittled and that made me upset. It is no excuse for my reaction. I do want to try to be better at that, but I'd also appreciate you respecting my feelings as well."

In that imaginary scenario, that apology actually SHOULD have had a but. The imaginary person in that scenario was wronged too. He/she does not deserve to have his/her feelings ignored simply because maybe they didn't handle things in the best way. So, for that apology to not include the but would be that person doing a disservice to themselves.... and to their partner as well really. Because that doesn't give their partner the chance to improve upon something maybe they didn't handle well.

Anyways... that's just me going blah blah blah again. LOL! tl;dr version... It's more about whether or not the "but" shows that they aren't actually sorry after all. The but COULD just be them legitimately being sorry, but actually wanting their feelings heard as well.

[kingshock]

This is bad, horrible apology and too short.

From my point of view.. lack of interest i would say.

[CantMoveOn]

Not so bad imo because the but is followed again by another " I love you"..what were they apologizing for doing to you, lovemuffin?

[lovemuffin]

He would call me very very bad things (whore, slut...) when we would fight and say I was ugly and could never ger better than him etc...

[TheEvilJester]

...Yeah, okay, then I'm a little less forgiving no matter what the "but" was. And I'd also, then, agree with kingshock. For that offense, that is WAY too short an apology and strikes me as insincere based on why he was apologizing.

There is NO excuse for that kind of name-calling. Now, mind you, nobody is the best example of themselves when they are in heated moments. ALL of us are guilty, at some time in our lives, of doing or saying something terrible we didn't mean in a moment of heated emotion.

So, I COULD understand and forgive if his apology was sincere and showed he realized he was wrong and showed true signs he wanted to try to handle his emotions better. If you'd told us he didn't call you when he was supposed to and his apology was the one you'd mentioned... that's a different story. That, I would say, is a reasonable apology. But for something as hurtful as the names he called you, whether he meant them or not... I do personally feel that should have been followed up by a more sincere apology.

Do you at least think he was sincere even if maybe his apology wasn't so great? Do you believe he will try to get better at handling his anger/heightened emotions and do his best not to resort to that kind of name-calling?

[lovemuffin]

I really dont know what to make of him other than to say he's very screwed up. He had a very abusive childhood and has a long criminal history I discovered after he stole my car few months ago after I broke it off and apparently went on a spree after while on the lam probably because he had no money held someone at gunpoint.. broke into a building at night because it was cold etc..

- - - Updated - - -

Told me I ruined his life because I reported the car stolen.... claimed that he fell asleep in a park and someone stole his bag that had my car keys in his phone and everything and him and some guy friends are trying to track down the guy(s). ...um.. he has a lot of friends in that town he couldn't have reached out to his sister especially to have her contact me and let me know what was going on after 12 hours??

[TheEvilJester]

Oh, this guy. I remember this from your other thread. Now that I realize this is the same guy from that story... yeah, I don't believe for a second he is sorry the slightest bit. He's the kind of person who is only "sorry" because they got caught/got in trouble. He's not really sorry and I don't believe he really loves you. I doubt he is truly capable of loving anybody right now.

Don't get me wrong. I 100% sympathize with him for his tragic past.... but you can't use that as a crutch/excuse to be a piece of crap yourself. Yes, it will be a long hard road. I don't mean to claim it is easy... but at some point you have to do whatever it takes to rise above that rather than to become just as bad as the people who abused you. Hopefully he can get the help he needs. However that may happen, whatever form that may take, hopefully he can find a way to better himself.

For now, though, it sounds like he has WAY too much going on to be worth having in your life. That would obviously have to be your decision, but if it were me I'd remove him from my life completely. He may have had an abusive past, but that gives him no excuse to just spread the abuse to others.

[lovemuffin]

Thanks for your input all....very helpful!

[lovebroken]

No, not near enough of an apology for that sort of name calling, he isn't sorry he just wants forgiveness to make himself feel better it appears to me. Plus he stole your car? Drop him now. He isn't good for you.

[lovemuffin]

Yes I am done with him and he is probably going to jail for quite a long time...prob at least 5 years.

[TheEvilJester]

Good. I hope it winds up being even more. What kills me about the whole thing is the guy was on probation. Never mind the fact that he was so close to being finished probation... he was on probation and yet STILL couldn't keep his nose clean. So this guy already got in some pretty big trouble in the past... yet obviously didn't learn his lesson. And he probably never will.

Best of luck to you. Absolutely agreed that you are much better off without him.

[megannn33]

fuk me on myhappy.pl