Frustration Frustration Frustration

[Tone]

All I feel everyday, all day anymore.

It's driving me nuts. And makes me really mean and violent, which I hate.

Now - I'm not asking for anything here mind you - just wanted to vent and also so people can relate this to other posts, I can't help but make, and when they ask themselves "Why is this guy such a ****in jerkoff?" now they will know a bit why.

I'm not EVEN going to get into the bullshit I've put myself through the last... 2 years. Nothing I can do about it - it's the past - it happened - it cannot be changed - move on, Tone.

What I'm frustrated about is this level I'm at now where I'm just... here. I'm 23 years old. I go to work, bored out my mind all day, go home, work out, eat, go for long walks (by myself), sometimes play poker or see movies with my roommate and a small group of friends... every so often my scumbag friend who is an alcoholic and uses girls for sex will come over and we drink together but that gets old fast... it's just the same old shit every godamn week and it's just building up this huge frustration in me, that I never really had to deal with before. It's just hard to have to go through shit like this alone.

Work - it's a job I got from my ex-g/f mom (she's my boss). I work at the university here for 2 professors and I make orders and do online forms for them, tables, easy office work. I mean, don't get me wrong, I like an easy job just as much as the next guy - but I'd like to actually DO something meaningful with my life ya know? I want to make a difference. Not necessarily on a huge scale, but just with someone - besides just my mom for something stupid like housesitting her dogs for her while my sisters and her go on vacation.

Anyways - I get this really neat deal where I get, I think, 9 free credit hours a semester for being an employee. Which I want to take advantage of - but I have no clue what I want to study. When I graduated high school I went to a community college for 2 years and got my associates in computer programming, which I hated - just wanted to make the big $$$, so I'm hoping some of those credits could roll over towards a university degree. But I have no clue what I want to study. What do I like? Girls, outdoors, jets, um.. technology? staying fit, eating healthy, helping people, football, dogs, Peru - all the general bullshit stuff people say - but I can't think of anything I'd want to study relating to them to make a career out of... but it does lead me to one thing - which is the Air Force... all through high school I wanted to be a fighter pilot - but then that idea got crushed when I found out I had a stigmatism and now I wear contacts... corrected vision = can't fly jets. I still think I could maybe do something related, like be a jet mechanic or somethin - but even that doesn't really interest me. I just HATE this indecisiveness and uncertainty, that I just can't seem to come up with a solution to, so I end up just continuing with the same bullshit every. single. day.

I know it's all up to me in figuring out what I want to do - and like I said I'm mostly just venting - since I usually just keep this kind of stuff inside of me and never talk to anyone about it.

I have this theory that I think is pretty accurate... in that - life never ever will give you what you really want. Never. And when it does - you find out you never really wanted it - or wish you could take it back. It's this system of wants vs needs. To keep us humble life has to constantly wave the carrot in front of us, always just out of reach, to always remind us how little control we really hold. In being denied and realizing the harsh aspect of not having any control over events that happen in our life - we usually find what we need to grow and mature. So sometimes I curse myself for wanting what I do... cause I think I'll never get it for the VERY fact that I want it so bad... I think I'm just selfish. 2 years since my last relationship - some people would say "Holy shit you are a loser" other people would say "Ha that aint nothing - it's been 10 years since I have found someone" and I realize that life is not on my time table... but I can't help but go into this "panic" mode... I just can't seem to meet anyone I'm interested in, maybe I'm too picky? And the ones I do meet I am interested in live like 5 ****in million miles away from me (**** you internet)

Anyways, blah blah blah wah wah wah life's uncertainties is what makes life what it is, I suppose. I know I have to just deal with it - like many people who go through similair to what I'm going through now. I hope this doesn't seem like I'm cryin about this, cause I know people are goin through a lot more difficult situations than I...

I just wanted to vent, didn't think it'd go this long... but it did. I wouldn't blame you nor do I expect anyone to actually read this - but if you want just a summarized version of this post here ya go:

****.

[Junket]

Yep...I feel ya dude, I feel ya.

[artyemi]

Hey Tony-

Like my boss said to me this morning, sometimes, we all just need a pity party. I've been frustrated about a lot of things too. More so because lately, I feel like everything is falling apart. I'm heading for a huge depression, but I'm trying something different this time. Instead of what I usually do, which is go into a cave and hide and stop seeing people, I'm reaching out to all my friends. Just to keep busy, you know?

Of course, my situation is a little different from yours. The thought that always kept me going is this: I have a son who needs me. He'll ask about me if I'm not there. He loves me, as I love him. And if I should ever have doubts about being needed or loved, he is the proof of that. So right now, I'm just trying to tie up loose ends so I can focus my energy on my one priority.

So yea, I can't go off and do what I want to do, but there's still time for all of that. My son is only going to be a kid for 14 more years.. I can sit on the sideline a bit and meanwhile, enjoy a little of life along the way or least life as my son is seeing through his eyes.

I really cried a storm yesterday, you know. And the best part was my son was there. The little 4 year old and he said "mommy, are you okay?" After that, how could I not be?

Sometimes, people become so focused on the goals that they should be achieving that they forget to appreciate what they are doing. If you feel like you should be making a difference somewhere, maybe you should look up volunteer opportunities.. And see what comes out..

Think of your job as the support you need to help the other things grow.

[shh!]

So basically, what you are experiencing is the age old question of the meaning and/or purpose of your life. Right?

And of course I read your whole post. You are a regular.

[Innova]

Believe me, when I say I can relate to you in ever single way about this post. Ever since college ended, every week has been the same. Between being bored sometimes, and longing for a relationship (Which you realise can't be forced any way you look at it)..it can get frustrating as well, so frustrating that yeah, periodically change who you are. Sometimes you just gotta keep going, life is a variable...sometimes that variable takes a little while. And believe me, I hate hearing about time too...

[Junket]

As much I can hate bein' alone.

I kinda learned to set those feelings aside and appreciate the time alone I do have.

Driving a excessive speeds down Valley Rd. with the music blasting.

Stoppin' where I want to when I want if I want to.

It's so easy to be reckless when you don't have to worry about makin' somebody else worry about you.

In terms of what I'm doin' with my life.

I don't have a ****in' clue.

But AmeriCorps will keep me occupied for the next 10 months at least and that should be interesting at the least.

The only remaining question for myself is what will I do after that?

Who will I be with, if I'm with anybody after that?

But most importantly.

What will I have for dinner tonight?

[Tone]

So basically, what you are experiencing is the age old question of the meaning and/or purpose of your life. Right?

Well, not necessarily.. I mean I know I have a purpose, I have my own opinion/belief on what life is all about, which directly correllates to what I really want...

Basically it's just that feeling of... "Okay... what now?" But I mean I guess it's just like Innova said, you have to just keep going. Things will happen, it's just that big question of "when". It could happen tomorrow, it could happen 20 years from now, as much as I hate that thought and how much it scares the shit out of me - what else can I do but deal with it. Whether it's God, fate or destiny - there is more to life than just mere coincidence.

And Fras - aren't you looking forward to going away for your training? I thought about being a firefighter too and started to really consider it - but I'm no good at that paramedic stuff.

And yeah Arty - I think if I had a kid I'd probably have a whole different outlook. You know how to reach me if you ever need someone to listen.. no matter how frustrated I am with my own life I'll always make time to listen.

Innova - you say you graduated college... are you at least in a profession/career you enjoy?

[shh!]

Maybe you should consider taking up some sort of volunteer service. It might sound dumb to someone your age, but it really does wonders for your morale - being able to help others in worse shape than you are in. It also might help to spark an interest in career path, and you might even meet a NICE girl. (Nice girls are often involved in charitable projects.) I like Habitat for Humanity as its volunteers tend to be on the younger side (at least where I live), but there are lots of places in need of help.

[Tone]

Volunteering.. hmm I'll look into that, thanks Arty and shh!

[Innova]

I was thinking volunteering myself, cause I like to help people...and you're right..the girls that volunteer at least have sense of purpose. I'm not really into immaturity myself.

Tone - I am sorta, but it's more of a resume builder, cause I needed experience...it's only a weekend job. My other job is what does all the paying lol.

lol and I feel you on the distant relationship thing...just ask anyone around here about skye and myself... I was actually gonna go over too lol...but shit happens.

[Tone]

That's cool man, what stopped you from goin over? If you don't want to get into it I totally understand.

And hey we can both get into volunteering together, if you find any cool places or have any good ideas of where to volunteer at let me know, and I'll do the same! I'm not much into goin out and giving old people their daily medicine type of volunteering (no offense) but more would want to get into some physical type volunteering... put my young muscles to work! Even though I have no clue what that would involve... opening jars for old ladies? ;p

[artyemi]

Yea guys, I love volunteering. I have a lame excuse for not doing it these days. I used to on Saturday morning get up around 7 and wait to be paged to go to hospitals.

Or before that, I used to get around 6 in the morning and volunteer as an aquarist assistant. You meet a lot of GREAT people, and help different causes.

I'm still in touch with a few of the people now.. It's wonderful. Gives you a purpose, if that's what you're looking for.

These days, I'm thinking of joining up with the N.O.W. A place just opened up realy close to my place.

[shh!]

I've done volunteer work for a drug rehab hospital (not a good place to meet nice girls, though!), delivered groceries monthly for shut-in senior citizens (a solitary job with no interaction with younger people), and done lots and lots of tutoring for children who can't read. Check out Habitat for Humanity - they build houses for low-income families. It's fun and physical.

[artyemi]

Fun and physical, you can't beat that!

[Tronomono]

As I was reading the OP, it felt as if it was something I had written myself.

Your theory regarding the nature of wants and needs is not new. In fact, it's origin is not very well known, but it dates back to the 19th Century and the beginning of the Industrial Revolution.

In terms of present day task, I believe (in a quite robust sense and fashion) that you feel (in a word of singlet), Lost.

Tone, fear not, because if you did NOT feel lost, then that makes you Found (by default).

And being Found is NOT a good thing. For being Found translates to being established, and having routine.

You are at the tender age of two and three. Far too young to be established and have routine.

I say this because I am thrice your age, and I am the one who is Found.

So enjoy your Youth - BE LOST! Find your way - It takes time.

From one philosopher to another - Eat Cheese!