Sticky situation....help!

[Jeblina]

Alright...I have reason to believe that the guy that I'm dating may be using drugs....but I don't know exactly how to approach the subject with him. I myself am an ex-addict (I've been clean and sober for almost 4 years now)...but it's been such a long time, and some of the signs are so wishy-washy, I don't want to go accusing the guy if it's just allergies, ya know? (no I'm not in denial....but I've been accused of it before and I was just tired...and it pissed me off, so...).

Last Saturday (aug 27th), he told me that he loved me for the first time.....but I didn't hear it again...so I figured he had said it, and panicked because he didn't really know how he felt.....that's fine....I was still trying to figure out how I felt anyway. He was supposed to come stay at my house with me while my mom was out of town (yes I'm living with my mom for the time being ::rolls eyes:: )...he showed up the first night and stayed with me....and then the next two nights he never showed up and didn't call.

So yesterday (which was the first day that I saw him after he blew me off), I told him "I don't think I can do this anymore" and he got all frustrated....and told me that he'd come and talk to me after work more. Well he showed up awfully late (an hour and a half late) and he was acting kinda sketchy....he wouldn't sit down....I tried spilling my guts to him (which I'm horrible at doing..LOL)...and I told him that I just didn't feel like I knew him. And I felt like something was going on, but I couldn't put my finger on it...but he was doing something that he didn't want me to know about. He got mad at me and said," Alright, I'm leaving, I don't want to hear that sh*t! I've heard that too much! Blah Blah BLAH!" So I let that go...we continued talking...he said he didn't want things to move too fast because he really liked me and didn't want to mess it up...and when he had said "love" to me, he hadn't really intended to say it, but it just kinda came out, but he didn't regret saying it (ummm...ok?).

I then became suspicious that he MAY be high...and was going to try and get something out of him...so I said,"You just don't seem like yourself tonight...something is different...what is it?" And he FLIPPED OUT! He said, "Okay...I really have to go now, because if I stay here any longer, I'm seriously going to freak out....I'm done arguing...that's it....I'll call you later!" And he just ran off, got into his truck and left.

He's not answering my phone calls now....I hate it when things are left unresolved!

Maybe my best bet is to just talk to him and say, "You're right...let's not move too fast...let's take a step back and get to know one another a little better first". Maybe that way, I'll be able to watch for any more warning signs of something screwy going on.

I just don't want to get MY daughter involved and attached to someone who is doing drugs....he's got a daughter too, but I can't control her fate...but I can protect my daughter.

So what do you all think? Any suggestions or advice? Sorry this got so long...it was supposed to be a quick easy question.....LOL...I guess no questions about relationships are easy!

[Ellynn]

Glad to hear you got away from drugs and are focusing on your daughter now!

Yeah sometimes its hard to tell if a guy is on drugs or not. I mean you might know alot more of the signs (having been there yourself). But I certainly didn't know it when I was dating this one guy last year. I thought something was up...but never thought he was addicted to opium and oxycotin. It wasn't until he confessed to me after breaking it off with me....that he was into that stuff and he didn't want to drag me down. Sad situation....cuz he did get help....but never cut back on his oxycotin habit.

But yeah you have yourself and your daughter to think about. Maybe it would be best to get to know him better and take things slow. Then you can see if its drugs or if hes just nervous about the relationship. Maybe you can sit down and talk to him....and ask him if hes using anything. Don't do this right away because most users usually deny it. But wait until you two know each other a bit more.....and then just ask. Don't act like your directing it right at him. Just say that you used to use...and its very Important for you to date men who don't use drugs. Just act like its something you ask every guy you date.... I mean either he will tell you yes or no. At least put it out there how you feel about drugs and how you have no tolerance for them.

[Jeblina]

Glad to hear you got away from drugs and are focusing on your daughter now!

But yeah you have yourself and your daughter to think about. Maybe it would be best to get to know him better and take things slow. Then you can see if its drugs or if hes just nervous about the relationship. Maybe you can sit down and talk to him....and ask him if hes using anything. Don't do this right away because most users usually deny it. But wait until you two know each other a bit more.....and then just ask. Don't act like your directing it right at him. Just say that you used to use...and its very Important for you to date men who don't use drugs. Just act like its something you ask every guy you date.... I mean either he will tell you yes or no. At least put it out there how you feel about drugs and how you have no tolerance for them.

He already knows this....I used to be the best of friends in high school with this guy...and some of my "partying" was with him. Since we have just become "reacquainted"...I told him I don't want it in my life.....he knows it....which is why I think he got so sketchy last night when I started asking more probing questions. He has told me that the last time he smoked weed was like 9 months ago or so.....and he hasn't done it since. I just don't know if I buy it. (After a BAD breakup over 2 years ago with my daughter's father, I haven't dated until now.....and I think I have some serious trust issues....so I don't know if this is me being screwy, or him being deceptive)

[Ellynn]

Its understandable that you have trust issues. And its good your looking out for yourself and your daughter. But honestly....if you really think hes still doing drugs....then maybe its best to back off for awhile.

[Jeblina]

Its understandable that you have trust issues. And its good your looking out for yourself and your daughter. But honestly....if you really think hes still doing drugs....then maybe its best to back off for awhile.

That's the thing....I don't really KNOW if he is.....I just want to know how to approach the subject without alienating him and making him feel like I'm accusing, when I'm really just concerned.

[Ellynn]

That's the thing....I don't really KNOW if he is.....I just want to know how to approach the subject without alienating him and making him feel like I'm accusing, when I'm really just concerned.

Yeah that is a tough situation your in there. But when it all comes down to it....you need to be able to talk to each other about it. You also need to be able to be honest with each other. If he can't do that with you then he probably is hiding something.

[Jeblina]

Yeah that is a tough situation your in there. But when it all comes down to it....you need to be able to talk to each other about it. You also need to be able to be honest with each other. If he can't do that with you then he probably is hiding something.

Fair enough...makes sense to me in my logical mind....my heart is disagreeing...but isn't that always the way?!?!!? So, should I give some him some "cooling off" time....and call him in a few days? Or maybe wait for him to call me? I just hate the fact that this has been left unresolved....I hate conflict, and when it's left to fester, it's even worse!

[Ellynn]

Cooling off time is a wise idea. Otherwise things get said in the heat of the moment and most of the time it makes things worse.

I would back off a bit...and if he calls you.....then go from there. But at some point in time you do need to find out if he is doing anything....and if he cares about you he will be honest and not offended. Being that defensive kinda raises some red flags. If he wasn't doing anything....then it shouldn't be a problem for him to say.."No, I don't do drugs!" and then the subject would be dropped because he can say it without hesitation or feeling offended.

If you want you could call him, but honestly I think the issue won't be resolved and you might find yourself in this exact situation in a few weeks, a month etc. The more you ask him....the more pissed he will get etc. Then he will run off again all upset. I would let him come to you. If he truly does care about you....he will. If not then you know that drugs are more important to him .....and honestly its best not to be around that.

[Jeblina]

How long do you consider an acceptable "cooling off" period? one day? Two days? A week? It's about to drive me crazy that things are just sitting...festering...not getting resolved.

[Lloyd95]

I have to ask, what did you say, or what was your reaction immediately after he said "I love you"? Sorry if I missed it, I was reading it rather quickly.

[shh!]

Ex-addicts know the signs. I would be really careful if I were you. It sounds like you are in denial.

[Lloyd95]

I'm telling you, guys will act funny if they say "I love you" and hear nothing in return. A guy throws that out and he feels vulnerable/embarrassed; and that could lead to drugs J/K

[lilwing89]

I'm telling you, guys will act funny if they say "I love you" and hear nothing in return. A guy throws that out and he feels vulnerable/embarrassed

that has some truth to it actually, lloyd.
that part anyways...i dont know about other guys but i feel not loved when i say it and dont hear it back..and i do feel vulnerable; i hope other people feel the same/i am normal

[shh!]

I'm telling you, guys will act funny if they say "I love you" and hear nothing in return. A guy throws that out and he feels vulnerable/embarrassed; and that could lead to drugs J/K

Equally important, how long have you been seeing him?

[Jeblina]

I have to ask, what did you say, or what was your reaction immediately after he said "I love you"? Sorry if I missed it, I was reading it rather quickly.

Well...I have to admit, I was shocked when he said it (I had expected him to WAIT forever to say it...LOL)....he said, "I love you" and I said," You do?" and he said, "yeah I do" and I smiled and said," Me too".....no rejection here.....