This is hard to explain but I will do the best I can.
I dated this girl for around 3 years. We met at college (shes 25 im 24) and she had a crush on me for a while. I finally pursued her and it was the greatest 3 years of my life. We were unbelievably happy and spent almost all our time together. I was completely and utterly convinced that she was the one for me.
Last month she breaks up with me, citing a number of different reasons that ended up changing over time.
a) the satisfaction of making me happy was no longer enough
b) she felt dead and couldn’t open up to me because she felt I didn’t understand her (and she admitted that she didn’t tell me anything. So I guess I am supposed to be physic mind reader and know she is feeling bad?)
c) she wants to know what she wants in life before devoting herself to someone
After analyzing it non stop for a month I came up with about a million different theories and things that I did wrong or that I couldn't see. I apologized and tried everything in my power to get her back even though each day without her hurt so ****ing bad. Basically what it boiled down to was she wants to explore the world and doesn't know what she wants yet. She wants to experience other guys and go out to clubs with her friends and have freedom, etc. She likes to travel and thinks that I don't (i don’t travel much since I was saving $25k to put a down payment on apt i just bought a couple days ago).
I scarified my entire life and my friends and devoted 100% of myself to her. I never lied to her once and I continue to stay loyal and devoted even though I know she's making a mistake. I stayed around for a month explaining and telling her that she won't find someone this pure and that loves her as much as me.
She is really quite and that is one of the reasons why it was such a shock. I had no idea there was a problem and I know that is her fault.. But the thing is I would forgive her in a second.. Bottom line is I don’t care who’s fault it was I am loyal to her.
I found out that she was (could be still?) seeing another guy after she left me within a couple days. I was totally crushed but still stayed and pleaded.
Every second of the day is like hell without her and I know she's making a mistake and will regret it later on in life. But by then it might be too late. I want to forgive her if she did make a mistake but I don’t want to wait around for her because that’s not fair.
Every conversation we've had for the past week has been a circle of shit. I feel like she rejected me and I did something to make her leave. But she keeps repeating that we both have to find out what we want in life individually without each other. Then I tell her I know want her, and she feels like I am forcing her to come back.. controlling her... exactly what she DOESN'T want.
The no contact (I started it) has been one for a couple of days and I am going crazy. I got a million answers from her and I'm even more confused. How can I trust someone again if the only person I loved betrayed me like that? How can she be so selfish and let me handle all the shit by myself without telling me and giving me a chance? Like I feel she needs to get her shit together and then date again.. but that is not fair to me because I fell in love with her now. In the month she’s been gone I didn’t talk bad about her once and always put her above me. I tried to understand everything from her point of view and did everything I could to make her see. Obviously it didn’t work and now I’m a spot with absolutely no control and missing her terribly to the point where I STILL can’t work or eat or enjoy anything.
I’ve read the sticky on breakups several times and tried to follow it but I really really can’t see myself happy with anyone but her. If I go to the mall no other girl is pretty to me and I loved everything about her. The only negative thing is that she is quite and maybe she was just living a lie….
Does that make sense to any of you guys?