married yet alone

[Ellynn]

Spam Alert!

[Mish]

Hi Reverie

Okay, this is the main problem right here:

i find now i don't enjoy kissing him, making love feels like a chore, i don't really find him attractive anymore either. when we are together i feel akward and like conversation is forced. By Reverie

Everything else is just a side effect of the above. Being with some one who is suppose to be your better half for only 2 hours per day is NOT ENOUGH!!! That seriously has to change and your husband has to take this issue on board as a very very very serious issue. I think he has to have a very serious think about what is more important to him his job or his marriage (I think it has come down to this level). You will have to accept the consecquances of his decision. Whether it to no be with you or to be with you, but enter a financial hardship.

This issue has obviously caused some serious damage in your relationship, but trust me it is way way way too early to give up on your marriage. The most important thing is to spend a lot more time together and rediscover some of those feeling that have been lost over the year (Yes it is posible to love the same person again). You and him clearly need to get away for awhile and spend time in romantic settings. If all else fails, please seek counceling for new advice on how to handle a collapsing marriage due to disenchantment.

In regards of #2 you have to understand that it's just an infatuation. You are left alone with no one to give you attention, #2 has filled that void for now (I am 99% certain this is something that will go away). Please don't fall into the trap of misplacing your affection towards the outside while you still have many opportunities in your current relationship...

Loosing love for the person you are with is a very very serious issue. Marriages end this way. I think you have to take immediate steps to try to resolve this issue... Hope above helps!!!

[Lloyd95]

First, I agree with almost everything that is being said here; but again, let me take the side of the man, just for fun:

Here he is, working to make more money to ensure a more secure life in the future (read: kids someday maybe), and while he only sees his SO a few hours a day, he is still assuming nothing is wrong.

And do you think it would be fair to blind side him with the truth and say, "hey, I met some else online and if things don't get better between us, like spending more time together etc. we're done."

Do you think he wants to work crazy hours? Don't you thnk he'd rather have both Sat. and Sun. off?

We make sacrifices when we're younger, presumably for a better, more comfortable life in the future. And if kids ever were going to come into play, I think all of us want to be more secure.

I assume that before all of us with kids had our first, we all thought "are we ready?" I know with guys, more of it is financial. "Am I secure enough financially to bring another life into this world who is totally dependent on me?"

Just another perspective.

[Chlorine]

Reverie----Do you and your husband have debts to pay off ie. car, house etc? If so, than it explains why he is working mad hours and won't give up the job.
As for #2. It's not a real relationship. Not to be taken seriously.

[GrkScorp]

Reverie, back to your first post...

i read all the other posts, and if i was you, i'd still be confused as to what to do... so.. i'm not gonna sit here and tell u some mumbo jumbo that has the words "feels" and "time" all over it..

here are the facts, the way i see them...

u and ur husband loved each other, and used to do everything together.. he got a job.. u only saw him 2 hours a day..

think about it.. quite a transition no?? from doing everything together, to spending only 2 hours together?? it's no wonder u feel like u lost that connection with him.. 2 hours a day is nothing.. i spend more time with my dog than that..

now.. about the other person.. it's not that u've grown feelings for that person... don't mix up your emotions... what u miss is being wanted, cared for, loved... and ur husband is simply not there enough for u.. but he does still love u..

u thinking that u have grown feelings for someone else is due to the fact that u simply miss that companionship with your husband, and that u what someone.. anyone.. to make up for it.. obviously not worth doing..

there's only one thing to do... hit the root of the problem.. the 2 hours a day...

u have to tell him to find a new job.. if it doesn't make as much money.. u both have to adapt to the new lifestyle, but know it's only temporary.. and only a small price to pay, so both of u can hold on to what u once had together..

i'm shur u'll find a way to convince him... as for losing the connection... i don't think it's actually faded away... kissing him, having sex, even spending time with him has no meaning anymore, and i don't blame u... guys are practical... 2 hours is 2 hours.. and they'll make the most of it... but i'm shur it's not the same way for u... u need much more than that.. and ur 100% right.. anything less would feel robotic, mechanical, fake, like a chore..

but don't worry about that.. i'm willing to bet my life on it that it's only the result of the 2 hours... when u start spending more time together.. it won't feel different right away... but u'll go through the same transition... u'll start to remember how things used to be.. and the whole expiriance would have made both of u stronger.. and much closer to eachother... it's something to look foward to accomplishing.. not letting go of...

just talk to him about it.. and don't take his crap for an answer.. it has to be YOUR way... for the better of both of you... he's GOING to quit his job and find on other one with better hours, if he likes it or not... next sunday he has off.. i think it's worth spending the whole day telling him..

[Reverie]

thank you, i will think alot of this over, i think you are very right though. thank you, you said alot of things i was already thinking, but yet couldn't put together in a productive way. venting also helped alot. i also realised that the traits i like in person #2 are all qualities my husband shares, i think that's why i felt so comfortable with him, he made me feel like my hasband was there. I feel much more confident i can put this right.

[updraft]

i find now i don't enjoy kissing him, making love feels like a chore, i don't really find him attractive anymore either. when we are together i feel akward and like conversation is forced.

OMG! OMG!! This sounds exactly what I went through!!! I divorced my bastard after he became a dark, unfunny, horrible human being. Its almost as if the act of marriage had put him into a depression!

about 1 year ago (6 months into problem #1) in a chat room for one of my hobbies i met someone, and we were only freindly for a very long time, but in the last 2 months i've been developing strong feelings for him, i spend 4/5 hours a day talking with him, i don't know if he feels the same about me. I am far more attracted to him than my husband, and we get along great.

OMG AGAIN! This happened to me also!! I ended up dating my new bf while I was separated from my bastard. We have been going strong now since Feb '04. *sigh* ....take it from me....dont ever ever settle for mediocre when you can have amazing!!!

Maybe you and your hub had something wonderful but you have already reached out by going online and developing a friendship with this new guy. If you and your husband cannot see eye to eye and you have tried to repair the damage with couples therapy and simply cannnot seem to reconcile, then move on and try the new guy. Life is short,,, dont waste it on a dull, lifeless, one-sided marriage.

I don't know what i am doing anymore, my husband does always seem happy to see me, and is always very needy(wants uber attention) while he is home.

Of course *he* is happy. He is happy because YOU SETTLED for his ways. If he is unwilling to make sacrifices to ensure a happy marriage then MOVE ON HONEY.

i have told him my frustrasions with the situation, and tried to help him find another job, but he won't, he just wants to 'make the best of the time we have', but i know that is not good enough for me.

Your conclusion in this sentence should tell you what to do.

i also wonder if the feelings i had would come back even if he did, and if those feelings come back will the new ones i have fade? i wonder if i should tell person #2 about my feelings, i am insecure, and fear rejection, but also what if he did return my feelings, what then? i still care for my husband and don't want to bring him pain. i feel like i am being pulled apart. I mostly needed to vent that, but advise would be welcomed.

You need to tell hub that you're NOT HAPPY with married life with him. At least give him a chance to fix things...if he doesnt then you know the answer. There are about 3 billion other men on the planet why settle for this one???

I too cared for my ex-hub but that too disappeared after I met Marc, my current bf. You quickly forget once someone new comes on the scene and showers you with attention, affection, good conversation, good sex, etc
One side note: dont wait until you're tempted to cheat....either separate or divorce your hub before you move on....it just causes headaches down the road...

[Prodigal]

You need to tell hub that you're NOT HAPPY with married life with him. At least give him a chance to fix things...if he doesnt then you know the answer. There are about 3 billion other men on the planet why settle for this one???

I too cared for my ex-hub but that too disappeared after I met Marc, my current bf. You quickly forget once someone new comes on the scene and showers you with attention, affection, good conversation, good sex, etc
One side note: dont wait until you're tempted to cheat....either separate or divorce your hub before you move on....it just causes headaches down the road...

For the first part, I'd agree. I do think that you need to tell your husband that you're not happy with married life because of the lack of time spent together, etc. If you're ultimately unhappy with him, then there really isn't much of a choice but to leave. I agree with Updraft in the sense that you shouldn't settle for something that doesn't make you happy. The only issue here is to decide how many chances and how much time to give him to change. If it's too short, you might realize that after you've left and it's too late that he was actually doing a great thing, much like Lloyd was inferring. If it's too long, you'll regret that you gave him such a big chance, and you 'wasted so much time' on him. But there is really no escaping that consequence... and in any case, it's a crappy one because they both lead to regret.

As for the second part of Updraft's post, I'd say.. not necessarily. I guess if this person really is that 'right' person, then you may kinda forget about everyone else you've had.. regardless of whether this person showers you with attention or not. But what if... the right person is someone you've met, and someone else comes along and showers you with good conversation, affection, etc.? Would you forget then? I, for one, would not. I think that once the 'right' person comes, you never forget the time you spend together, no matter what anyone else does afterward. The good times, the best times of your life spent with the greatest connection... nothing.. NOTHING could ever erase that.

[updraft]

The only issue here is to decide how many chances and how much time to give him to change. If it's too short, you might realize that after you've left and it's too late that he was actually doing a great thing, much like Lloyd was inferring. If it's too long, you'll regret that you gave him such a big chance, and you 'wasted so much time' on him. But there is really no escaping that consequence... and in any case, it's a crappy one because they both lead to regret.

I wanted to give her the benefit of knowing what may lie ahead for her if she stays in a dull negative marriage. She will ultimately regret giving him alot of time to work out his job their finances, etc....I went through this exact same thing and missed out on *alot*.

My ex put me through unimaginable hell for 4 + years while he worked out his shit. It was not my goddamn fault he was terrible with money and ended up having a racist attitude towards most of the human population, but because I married the bastard I had to live with his idiotic, contemptible behaviour.

I just hope that for her sake her hub was not much like mine. I hope they can work things out, but the point I was making was, she would have regrets if she waited too long.

As for the second part of Updraft's post, I'd say.. not necessarily. I guess if this person really is that 'right' person, then you may kinda forget about everyone else you've had.. regardless of whether this person showers you with attention or not.

Ok you got me on this one. I may have been transferring my feelings into this post and generalized but I feel if she is reaching out by turning to another man and to this forum for opinions, then it must be pretty bad. Her hub seems to disregard how she feels and if another man is making her take a second look at how things really are, then maybe she should ditch the union before she develops a depressive state of mind.

[Lurch]

I would urge you to at least try to work things out. I don't know all the details, so what I'm saying may not apply...

In my marriage, I knew my wife was unhappy, but I was trying to make things better. Then one day, she just says "Goodbye, I want someone else."

I thought a piece of me had died that day... I'm just now starting to get things back together. (You can find the long version of my story online here)

I'm not saying things will work out, but the effort to try should be make

Take care,

[Reverie]

hello again,
i have some more things on my mind. my husband and i talked and he did take some time from work, and had his hours cut back. we have been doing many things together for the last month, but the romantic feelings don't seem to be returning for me. it all (on my end) feels forced still, and i am uncomfortable and uneasy with him around. i still prefer the time when he is at work, and find myself a little annoyed when he calls/msgs me during that time. is this normal? how long should getting some feelings back take (oh and we are not being intimate, it was too uncomfortable).

i decided to cut my conversations with #2 down by alot, and we were only discussing our hobby and leaving our personal lives out of it.(oh and some back ground info, we have talked on the phone and via webcam many times in the past) but he informed me recently that he was having fun talking with me and was interested in pursuing more, and that he would like to meet.

so i am now wondering what to do. i would like to meet him and see what could happen, but at the same time i wonder if i should. how long should i wait? should i shut him off completely? ( i don't want to, but will that help things go back to normal?) but i also don't want to spend a long time wondering 'what if'

thanks in advance for your input

[Mish]

"For better or for worse, in sickness and in health until death do us part"

Ask yourself if these words meant anything to you when you said them. If not, then how can you be certain of anything, if you lied to even yourself?

"but i also don't want to spend a long time wondering 'what if'" by Reverie

I have bad news for you sister. You wil ALWAYS be wondering 'what if'.

You will be wondering 'what if' if you stay with your husband. You will be wondering 'what if' if you dump your husband and your husband moves on. A better person would know all 'what ifs' in advance and not wonder anymore.

Sorry to come down hard, but you spent 7 years with this man. It sounds kinda like, you are getting tired of this USED toy and are looking for a brand new one. Seven years is a long time. A lot of ups and downs. You must find some way of going back to those early weeks, months, years when your love with him was new and passionate and somehow rediscover that feeling. You can ofcourse start jumping from one man to another when you get all you wanted out of them, but once the middle age kicks in your choices will be getting slimmer and slimmer.

Like "Shh!" always says, "Why exchange a headache you know for a headache you don't know?". The pasture is NOT always greener on the other side. To last 7 years as a couple is a big achievement (Many split up way before this mark). If you are this compatible together (To stay together for this long) then why stir the pot?

[smilingeyes]

It sounds like you already made your decision, you are just looking for justification to cheat. 7 years, don't give up on it. It sounds as if your husband is doing everything in his power to please you. Does that not say anything. You just want to go play. In my opinion, it sounds like you are darn near cheating already, webcam conversations? You have gotten yourself emotionally involved with another man, this is probably why you are not "attracted" to your hubby anymore, you DON'T want to be. You have already made your decision, and I believe you are doing an injustice to your marriage, you let him know what you were feeling, he bent bent over backward to please you, you throw it back at him by refusing to make an attempt to communicate or have any intamacy with him. Your husband deserves better than that. Sorry, but that is how I see it, just my 2 cents...

[Rosebud]

I think it's good that you talked with your husband, and he is trying to make an effort it sounds like. But I do agree in that it sounds like you have already made up your mind about you feel. There isn't a time factor for when your feelings would come back, if you wanted it to work you would happy that he is trying what you asked of him and you would already feel somewhat better. But since that isn't the case you have a lot of things you have to figure out. Cheating on your husband is not the right way to go about this, you already know your not happy with the situation your in or you wouldn't have been looking in the first place. I think you need to focus on what you want to do with your marriage before you pursue anything else.

[singularity2006]

One word of caution is kids. Do you have any? Personally, when you have children, you need to give up all your needs and wants for a relationship and worry about holding together a family.

The other thing is to understand priorities, the needs of making a living, covering the house, bills, & etc. I try very hard to keep my gf company when I can, but she's been very irritated that I don't have the time to keep her company like I used to. She needs to start understanding the priorities I have in life and school. Granted, you're married and I'm not, but I do believe that the idea is the same. If he's doing what he needs to do to handle major lifetime priorities, don't worry too much about it. At least he's working hard to build a foundation for your life.

Anyhow, why not talk with him online (your husband, that is)?