I had an affair

[Ellynn]

That's exactly what I don't want my son to go through.. I grew up watching my mother getting the shit beatin out of her. Just by hearing something drop or bang, my sisters and I would immediately check on my mom if she was ok. Sometimes we would be paranoid, sometimes we would be to late. I know what it feels like to be in a shitty family.. I promised myself I would never do that to my children.
I know for a fact that if we don't split up, it'll get worse.
I'm moving out next week. I'm going to stay with my grandmother for the meanwhile. Yes my son is staying with me. John doesn't know how to take care of the baby.
I'm not sure where this all will end up, but to be honest, I'm scared to death to make the wrong move.

Reminds me of how things were for my friend a few years back.... SHe had a kid at 18 and moved in with her little girls father... He wouldn't take care of the kid. He wouldn't let her get a job.... He had her taking care of that kid 24/7 and staying home. If I came over to visit to go shopping with her....we had to bring the kid with... (which I didn't mind..but the whole point was to get out and get some time away....) He also cheated on her......slapped her occasionally.....they had alot of fights.... He also got another woman pregnant....and he couldn't understand her wanting to be independent. She got out of the situation....(he was put in jail for driving drunk and murdering his best friend in the process)......and she actually got a job.....moved home for awhile....saved some money...and got her own apt...and got her drivers license..

Then she met this guy a year ago....and now they are married and having a baby boy in a few months... Things are alot better now.and this guy treats her with respect. Lets her do her thing and trusts her. Doesn't hit her etc... Thats the way it should be. IF she wouldn't have gotten out of the situation she probably would still be stuck and depressed.....

[Ellynn]

Honestly if things are that bad now....imagine them in a few yrs....and would the kid really want to remember them together??

Sometimes maybe its best to just go separate ways.....and just reassure the child that both of his parents love him/her....

[Nice Lover Boy]

Oh no, not affairs again. I'm sorry, I don't mean it as a negative cliche, but I've been in affairs also. I was the guy that would get the one nighter. I have read everything that is happening. You seem to be handleling your situation quite well to this point. Don't ever think about how awfull your life is getting because of a mistake that took place. Mistakes are good, and we all learn from them and receive strenght from them. I feel horrible myself again for getting involved because I know how much you really care for your family now. I'm hoping for the best and hope to hear from you soon.

[fear_21]

I had an affair and what makes it worse is that i don't feel any guilt at all. WTF is wrong with me? For those of you who don't know, I'm a 20 year old mother/ "wife". We're not married, but its all the same. Anyway, I know I don't and shouldn't have any excuses for what I've done. Damn, I'm so selfish, so bad. Me and my hubby really don't fight about anything anymore. We go to work, go home, and go to sleep. Thats life everyday for us. Now, I've been going out alot with some friends and office mates and I enjoy every minute of it. It's probably understandable that I want to unwind every so often.. but when I slept with another guy.. It made me feel good. I should be killing myself from guilt, but instead.. I want to do it again. My friends advice are to just talk to him about it and try to work things out. like what? "umm.. john, i had an affair and i liked it so much I can't help but laugh by myself when I think of how much I enjoyed it.." I don't think so.. I may be stupid enough to have an affair, but I won't be a ***** about it. I don't know why I'm blabbing about this, but it's like I'm looking for an excuse to do it again.
I know most or all the replies I get will be telling me of how much of a ***** I am.. but I want to hear it. Just to feel some guilt.

Go shoot yourself girl

[Ellynn]

Yeah the thing I DON"T agree with is affairs...

If your that unhappy and want out....do that first....get out...and then pursue someone else...

I guess people are afraid of being alone for awhile.......

[whaywardj]

Why do I have a feeling we're not getting the whole story here? What's this "if I don't leave, I know it'll get worse" shit? You already getting slapped around, Love "struck"?

[Kiechi]

'tis a sad story indeed ...

unfortunately, i have to say that lovestruck has totally backed up the old cliche about filipinos being "players" and "hoez" ... i'm filipino and i don't even date my own nationality ... which is probably wrong to be so stereotypical, but i have yet to meet a filipino girl who hasnt cheated before ... but do yo thang ...

good that you guys are broken up while your child isnt old enough to really realize what's going on ... by the time he's 3-4, he won't even remember u guys being together ...

good luck tho ...

You should meet my mother then.

[Rosebud]

I'm with Ellynn, that's what I have been saying all along!

[indigosoul]

It doesn't HAVE to fail. But it takes a HUGE act of will power and, sometimes, strenuously applied discipline for young couples to weather the changes of their personal becoming and still see each other in the loving light with which they once shared vision. A key to doing that is to try and not lose sight of the person you love in the problems you may be having. Another key is to set aside any impulses for immediate gratification. A third key is to not spend a lot of time gazing into each other's eyes, but a lot of time gazing outward together, instead.

It isn't necessary or even advisable to tell him about the affair. That was your personal business. What you might want to come to grips with is why your personal business involves such things and, if you want to remain with him, do whatever it takes to change within you whatever caused it to happen. If you don't want to stay with him, leave him in a way that has the least negative impact on your child. By no means, stay with him for the "child's sake" if you really don't -- or can't -- love him anymore. That would only spawn resentments across the board.

Good luck.

Eloquently put, W. I completely agree w/this post.

Distilled down: Decide what you REALLY want. Then do it in such a way that you can live with yourself. Because, in the end, this is all there really is. And don't forget, while life is short, life (barring accidents) is also really long... interpret that as you will.

Good luck from me too!

[Rosebud]

did she disappear?? Maybe she didn't like the advice... hmmm

[lovestruck]

i'm still here... although every word of advice you guys give is like a slap and a punch.. i'm listening. i just really don't know what to say. I know I should stop this self pitty shit.. i'm trying..
okay.. well, me and john already talked.. he refuses to leave.. i guess because " falling out of love" isn't a good enough reason for him. He's a very responsible man.. and his love for our son is on the same level of mine. I can't just push him out the door, and I can't just leave.
He's acting a alot more sweet now. and I think the guilt is starting to kick in.
I think we're gonna give it one more shot. but he does know what I feel. . vise versa.
I'm trying to keep myslef busy with work..and the baby of course. I just wanna stop thinking of it.

[Junsui]

Good luck, I hope things workout for the best.

[lovestruck]

thanks guys.

[indigosoul]

Lovestruck...all I can think to add is something I try to be mindful of. I always knew this, BTW, (and so do you, I suspect) but it took someone from here to remind me and get my mental butt in gear. I'll paraphrase:

In any situation, your happiness (or lack of) comes entirely from you. If you choose happiness, you will be. If you choose otherwise, you won't. Life is one big self-psych session. You have the blessings of a healthy child & partner who both love you. Listen to your inner voice. If there is something that will make you more happy than these, then reach for it. If not, focus on what you have and enjoy it for as long as you can. Best.

[Mish]

you act as if most couples are faithful. I can say 7 out of 10 friends have or are cheating on their mates, and I'm not trying to follow some trend. I'm also not comparing my relationship with others. And if you can't tell, I'm trying to be as considerate as I can. I mean, If I wasn't I would've done this along time ago, packed up my things and just left. I'm not that harsh. After all these years would I have put everyone elses needs before mine if I wasn't being considerate? Do you think I'd be goin out of my fuk** mind trying to figure out what would make me happy because I don't know what would after so long? If that's not consideration.. I don't know what is.

I'm sorry to say this BUT

You saying that is really a slap on the face to every couple who is faithful. ESPECIALLY every faithful couple with a child. What, you think you are the only person in the world in a "Difficult" situation (I.e. with a partner and a child)? Stop making yourself into a virgin Mary with all your "problems". It sounds like you're just making excuses to justify your repulsive behavour... Let me tell ya, no one held a gun to your head to cheat, just like no one held a gun to your head to not use protection in the first place. You did those things WILLINGLY and KNOWINGLY. You're not a martyr, so stop trying to make yourself come off as one, it's just too transparent.

Nobody promised you anything easy or even fair in life. Just like nobody made those promises to me or anybody else in this world. Yes, I too wish i was handed a life free of problems on a silver platter, don't we all?

My advice for you is to come clean to your SO about everything. How you don't love him (That is very obvious to me), don't respect him, don't see your child as your highest priority (Yes, it looks like your personal happines is priority #1) and how you cheated on him, I think the ball is in his court now to whether keep you with your problems or leave you. I think this "I love you, but i'm not in love with you" sugar coating to saintify yourself that you told him simply won't do...

My 2 Cents