I have no hope left that she will return to me. She can never come back now. Not after the past few weeks. Instead, she'll be moving forward to me if there is ever another go-round.
I've realized that hope is hopeless to some extent. It's not a plan or anything, it perpetuates emptiness. You're always thinking about what you don't have.
She was the best thing that could have happened to me over the last few months. It wasn't until I developed such strong feelings of love that I realized my plate wasn't clear. No room to eat her dessert. And it's a mighty fine dish. I had released all the fear and anger I held since childhood earlier this year. And it felt great, I was unbound. But then I stopped, became stagnant. All my memories were still hanging in the air. No longer inside, but all around me.
I knew when I met her that I wasn't ready. That's why I pushed her away. I flicked the switch off everytime she would turn it on(She did this with relative ease). I knew there was still work to do on myself, but couldn't figure it out.
So, now, I've taken all the feelings and memories that haunted me, having already expressed them, and cast them out of my circle. I don't want them or need them, anymore. My final step to LET IT GO. For good. I feel freed from them. Now, I literally am seeing the world through new eyes. For real. With "my eyes". There is nothing hanging over me. I will keep an open mind when meeting people in the future, and not shut the door on her at all.
So, she's not coming back. But now, I am proud to know that if she ever wants to get cozy again, I'll be in a much better place. And it's not like we can't be friends, remember she is coming back to work. Had to share this, thanks.