Hi,
I really need some honest opinions! Thank you for reading this...
It's now 8 months since I got dumped by my boyfriend - we were together for almost 3 years. It took a while but I'm gradually feeling better, although I worry all the time about everything. I can't have another relationship for a while as I realise I'm too emotionally messed up for that. I need to be on my own for a while to 'discover' myself (I've never been single for longer than 3 months since I was 16 - I'm 27 now! 3 long-term relationships and a couple of flings in between) and I really need to work on my self-esteem before I get into anything meaningful again.
The thing is I've never ever felt attractive and have been so inhibited during sex - and this has really been getting to me because I enjoy sex and know there's a side of me yet to be unleashed if my insecurities would only F*CK off! I'm trying to work on this because it's a major problem for me. If a guy is interested in me, I find some reason to believe he isn't, or that he'll lose interest any second. I find it hard to believe anyone would ever be interested in me. Guys have been interested in me, but I completely cannot understand why.
So to cut a long story short. Lately I've been exploring my sexuality and meeting guys, trying my hardest not to get emotionally involved. I recently met a guy (23) and we slept together. We were both pretty drunk, but I stayed over at his and we spent the night together. Had loads of fun and got on really well. I told him that night I wasn't looking for a relationship, and would like a 'f*ck buddy' (I don't want to sleep with a different guy all the time, but I have my urges to fulfill ) He said I could call on him anytime for some fun. He asked for my number which I was pleased about. I felt very comfortable with him, I was inhibited, but the fact that he was up for a repeat experience made me think perhaps I didn't repulse him...
So I had a crazy idea based on the fact that I really want to experience exciting sex without holding back. I know I've got a very sexual side but it doesn't come out much. I've booked a really nice hotel room for next weekend and have told him that I have a very 'dirty surprise' planned that involves 'porn, tying eachother up, blindfolds, alcohol, sexy underwear, kinky toys & more'. He seems up for it, I haven't told him about the hotel room yet, I want to keep him guessing as to what I have planned. It'll be a nice surprise I think - it's a pretty expensive hotel with really nice rooms.
What I'm really stressing about is the following:- a) I'm freaked out that he'll regret agreeing to meet up when he sees me, he may have forgotten how I look and be disappointed & won't be able to get turned on. b) I'm worried I'll lose my bottle and won't be able to get into "sexy mode" and that things will just be wierd. c) I'm worried my arranging all this means I'm a complete tart and a part of me is ashamed for doing this, especially with someone I hardly know (but he seems like a really sweet guy).
Guys out there - if a girl arranged this for you, would you completely disrespect her or find it exciting? And would you agree to see a girl again (with the blatant agenda of having sex together) if you didn't find her attractive???? And if a girl's body isn't perfect, but she enjoys sex and makes an effort to turn you on, does that cancel out the fact that she doesn't have an amazing body?
Thanks for reading to the end!