It's Friday Night...

[Only-virgins]

Actually its Tuesday right now. Your thread is not correct anymore. It was correct only for a day on a time line. My post will follow the same fate tomorrow and be incorrect.

[Rosebud]

Independent those abandonment issues you were talking about I can relate to as well. And I do think a lot of that goes deeper than just saying no to something you want to say yes to and vice versa but your on the right track by looking at those small things and making changes with them. And of course I know you know the answer to the question about breaking the cycle or looking within yourself. But I think they also go hand in hand.

Because of my issues with my own father I used to fall for the guys that had similarities to my own father (without even knowing it) and I felt as though I was trying to fill a void in my life. I did this until i was about 20 or so, then I realized after looking back at all those relationships I fell for control freaks and people who wanted to manipulate to get what they wanted. So from there I stayed single for awhile to analyze all ther elatiosnhips and find traits that each of them had and in tunr if I saw that int he next person I dated, I knew it wouldn't work for me. I broke that cycle of dating those types of people. I still have issues that go back to all that but I know of them and I'm still working on them.

To be honest I know this guy has hurt you quite a bit but when you reach a point that you can look back on it you'll see and you probably already know this, but you'll see that if this would have never happened you would never be able to look at all these things.

[independent]

You are right, Rose. And being aware is certainly a HUGE step in the right direction.

I have been coming to the same realizations for the last few years, regarding my father that is. Ten years ago I saw a psychiatrist - this was during my last pregnancy, and was a referral by my OB because I was going through a dramatic situation at the time (he suggested I go to get a mild prescription).

He asked me to write a letter to my father. Not one to give to him, just a letter. I thought that was nuts. I did try to do it, but came up blank - couldnt think of a single thing to say to my father (good or bad). We basically have no relationship outside of seeing each other at family things.

I see now that my relationships with men have been much the same - unfulfilling, disconnected, incomplete. There are a lot of other characteristics that are similar too. If I think too hard about it, it weirds me out. I certainly wouldnt pick "my father" intentionally LOL. *sigh*

I also know now why he asked me to write that letter. Though it made no sense at all to me at the time.

Anyway, much thought going into all of this. Feelings are starting to fade it seems. Not so extreme either way (mad or sad) like they were. That feels like a good thing.

[independent]

p.s. I did finally write that letter. Last April, in fact. And it felt good.

[Rosebud]

good. I did the same thing as well, I wrote a frickin book and I eventually even sent it to him. But of course everything I said to him got turned around me and I was the bad guy again so I write my feelings in a journal from time to time because I know how he is and it only helps me to vent about things. I actually do that a lot when it comes down to trying to find how i truly feel without feeling that i have to sugarcoat anything to not hurt the person i'm upset with. Your being true about how you feel and that helps. I can relate a lot to things that you have said on here and yes I know it's freaky because you don't want that type of person in your life but for some reason you find yourself looking for it without even knowing it. I got chills thinking about that. eeeeek

[independent]

I didnt send mine. But it really was the best therapy there ever could have been, for that issue. I love to journal - and have always journaled. That was one of the issues in this relationship, by the way - he was big about digging through my computer and reading anything he could get his hands on.

The last of which was that damn letter to my father. None of his business to get into. And he did it - and I realized it - right after the death of my father's mother (the one I took care of for 2 years until she passed last month). Talk about salting a wound. Bad timing to throw THAT one in my face. Of course he denied ever getting into my files, or reading that letter... but I knew better (digital footprints were there).