Today I did it. I finally knew for sure how I felt, and said as much to my BF of two years. He's been moved out for several weeks now, and after attempting to "date" (if you want to call it that) in such sensitive circumstances... I finally just admitted that it wasnt working for me at all.
It seems he wakes up every day and starts with a clean slate - calling to say good morning and would I like to go to breakfast. Like nothing ever happened. Like all those words were never said. Like I was never hurt.
Somehow this whole thing felt like it got turned around on me. Like I "kicked him out" and "gave up on us". Not like he did all the things he did to me that brought me to making the choice of asking him to get his own place.
Anyway, he called this morning to ask me if I'd like to go out on Friday night. I just knew that it was time to say how I truly felt. I told him no. And I told him that I just didnt enjoy being around him anymore.
I explained to him that I felt like I may never be able to trust him again, after all of the lies... and that being around him just reminded me of all of the things he had done and said. I said (truthfully) that it wasnt even about love. It was about being happy - and I was not.
And so he came and got the rest of his things from my house this afternoon. I'd already done all my crying (when the things that led to this originally happened)... and he finally did his.
It's a sad thing, this parting. Necessary, but sad. I do hope that he will find happiness - something worth telling the truth for. Something worth going home to at a decent hour.
As for me... its time to take some time off from it all, and focus on things in my life that DO make me happy: my children, my career, my home, etc.
I feel oddly calm. I guess relieved.