He's being a you-know-what again...

[Rosebud]

A lot of people say things before they think of the outcome. I think this is one of these examples. he had said something, not realizing it would hit you the way it did and then when you got so upset he wanted to drop it instead of talking about it. He may not be trying to blame you for holding him back but just thinking of how differnet his life could be. I think it's good to go to the therapist, and try to figure out what his intentions were on that remark and go from there.

[indigosoul]

A lot of people say things before they think of the outcome. I think this is one of these examples. he had said something, not realizing it would hit you the way it did and then when you got so upset he wanted to drop it instead of talking about it. He may not be trying to blame you for holding him back but just thinking of how differnet his life could be. I think it's good to go to the therapist, and try to figure out what his intentions were on that remark and go from there.

yea, I'll book us an appointment. at least it will let me feel like I'm doing something. then maybe I can get back to focussing on work. I can't believe how late I was up last night worrying over this crap. thanks all for the vent.

[whaywardj]

I've yet to see you post anything on this subject, Indigo, of a nature I'd most expect from you: Objective. Not surprising considering you're in the middle of it all and it is all very personal. But, as I recall stats I've read here and there, 15 years is about the top end duration of first marriages. OR, is the duration of a phase in longer marriages. Do you think reviewing some of the statistical patterns of marriage might help to alter your perspective in any positive way? Perhaps offer insights on acquiring different or better coping tools or techniques?

[indigosoul]

I've yet to see you post anything on this subject, Indigo, of a nature I'd most expect from you: Objective. Not surprising considering you're in the middle of it all and it is all very personal. But, as I recall stats I've read here and there, 15 years is about the top end duration of first marriages. OR, is the duration of a phase in longer marriages. Do you think reviewing some of the statistical patterns of marriage might help to alter your perspective in any positive way? Perhaps offer insights on acquiring different or better coping tools or techniques?

Yes. My husband puts me in flux like almost noone else on this planet can. For sure. Tho I think its one of the reaons we are together: to find each others buttons and then push them so the other person can figure out why its a button in the first place. OK. Its probably some major phase we are approaching, I guess. I need to hear from ppl who have made it through this phase. Not sure there is anyone on here though. Even our shrink, I think, hasn't been married as long as we have.

Unfortunately, I don't like the compromises either of our parents have made in regards to their relationships, so theres not much help there. Maybe we should join the local Legion... I've been wanting to restart our Friday night "dates" (they have dancing, play bridge, etc.) and it might be an oppportunity to observe couples more mature than us. It seems a rare thing nowadays, an old, happily married couple.

One of my husbands colleagues (female) is in the process of divorcing, which isn't terribly inspiring either. And they have a new baby, which sucks. I don't want that.

Shh? Comments, hun? You've been married a while....

[Rosebud]

I'm sorry Indigo, I feel so helpless. I want to give you good advice but without being a relationship that has lasted that long I don't have any. But I will keep you in mind as I read some of my books...

[indigosoul]

No, no, Rosebud, its okay, thanks. Don't be sorry, I just needed to vent. It will be well. I heard exactly what I needed to. Everyone was great. One thing about being in an older relationship, I've noticed, is that things happen more slowly. The urgency to act immediately seems to get less. Which is probably good; theres a certain comfort in knowing things won't suddenly implode. Do let me know if you find anything really good in your books, tho...

OK, thread, now... DIIIIEEEEE.

[whaywardj]

Didn't review any content, but topic titles here looked as if they might be relevant: [url]http://www.family.org/married/topics/a0025087.cfm[/url].

One of them prompted this thought: Consider life-cycles. The remark your husband made which so annoyed you may have been nothing more than what RB suggested: Him merely gathering wool over what "might have been" as he approches his middle years. And wondering what comes next. I know, for sure, that, at my age (I'll be 56 in December), I'm doing one hell of a lot of thinking about what comes next, and have something of a "seven year itch" to gather up all the good things I've found, throw away all the bad, and get the **** ON with it.

You're being relatively busy and content in your work may also be working on him in an envious manner. He may not feel as enthusiastic over his work as you may over yours. This could lead to slightly recriminating feelings (especially if he is secure and comfortable enough with you to feel as if he can get away with them without suffering too much fallout from having them).

Also, have you spent any time together lately talking about how you've both changed over your years together, or who you've become in that time, and how different you presently are from the people you once were? Or how similar to them you still remain? (The adage comes to mind: "People change and forget to tell each other.") Seems one remark of his you related was an invitation to do just that. Maybe you're both looking at each other through rear-view mirrors, each seeing someone who doesn't really exist anymore. Maybe he senses this.

And, since old-age is the final fate for both of you, both of you spending some time with elders and seniors, getting their stories, might not be bad idea at all. Consider volunteer work, or the like, at a senior home. Preparing for your future by having cocktails with a button-down personal finance manager isn't AT ALL the same as being face-to-face with someone who's already there.

(My ex was the intake social worker for one of the most prestigious retirements homes in San Francisco. In our circle of friends, was an elderly Russian couple -- he 85; she 87. They got married when he was 75 and she was 77. It was his first marriage. Her second. They were BOTH unabashed flirts, incidentally. She constantly wanting me try out her new massage machine of one sort or another; he constantly drawing my wife out the room to the kitchen for "for a drink." It was pretty hilarious stuff. Moral of the story: Odds are, you ain't seen nothin' yet.)

A long view of the future usually softens one's focus on spikes of the present. However, it can also let an end justify a means. It's a delicate balance on a wavering tight rope, aiming for a moving target. All in all, pretty ****ing magnificent.