this is me having a moment of weakness , i dont know if you have ever felt like this but the way i am feeling now can be described as " i feel as if everybody that i know is doing better than me , somehow they managed to leave me at last place in the race of life ."
i see people i used to know , how they change , no , how they evolve . i look at myself , i feel so old , unchanged , as if i was a picture . I feel as if im being left behind and everybody's life is so much better than mine , i feel like shit .
my self esteem has somewhat lowered , all this happened today , it has been gradually decreasing in the past few months but today it was a big blow to me. I have tried to deny this in the past few months , **** it , even years , since i was 16 i havent made alot of progress in myself , physically and mentally , (no im not some immature adult that cant lift 100 pounds ) ... im turning 19 soon , shit i should be getting out of college but im not even in it yet .
I think its because i have been to busy with other things in life , like Girlfriends and jobs ... i knew i never should have given up my training , now i tried so hard today to train , it lasted 45 mins , i remember a time when i used to spend 3 hours lifting weights like a maniac , i used to be able to bench 200 pounds , now i cant even lift 150 ... and i was 14 when i did that .
its lack of motivation , lack of self esteem , i want to get these things back , i need to check back in my life , give myself a reality check , i havent accoplished shit i tought i was going to , im getting lazyer every year , well REALLY i need to get my ass up in gear before its too late .
listen all LF members . i really need some support here , some words of motivation , some advice , anything , if you could reach out of that screen maybe a good push behind the back and a smack at my back . i need inspiration , i need to get that drive back in my life , that thirst that can never be quenched in life .that workaholic attitude . i used to have that , where did it go ?
i feel like those birds that know they can fly , but all they need is sometimes a little push and up they go , i know what i need to do , i know i can do it but i just need this goal that i will want like crazy , it cant be imaginary , it has to be real or i wont fall for it , man back then i used to want girls so badly that i worked my ass off thinking t hat it would make them want me , now that i have them and i dont even do half of the effort i used to , i gave up that idea , i need something , not work , i know all ihave to do is show up and there is my check .
**** i hate this , i feel so weak and useless , i need to be that man/guy/kid that most people look up to sometimes ,that guy that used to have such enthusiasm and now i all broken down in some alley drinking his life away ( i have been drinking alot in these past few weeks )
ok i need help . really . i am lowering my ego by asking this but i really need this , im the type of guy that would hide a problem if its embarassing , dudes , ladies , old wise guys , youngins , lift me up with some words of hope .
ps : i did not know where to post this so i put it in Dumping section .
im going backwards instead of forward , instead of example : going out more often , i stay in and i actually started watching tv shows , actually dvd shows but , i havent done that since i was like 15 ... i feel so strange . as if im killing precious time . but im also unemployed and no school till february .