my biggest flaw...

[*august*]

hi everyone,

here is my rant...here is the rave of a girl who i guess lost herself in someone else and now can't seem to find the place where she begins...

Well the forum this is posted in eludes to the fact I was in a relationship ...insert bad senarios here...it ended...but like most long relationships took sometime....i cut him out of my life for 5 months....we talked briefly over christmas when i was home...he appeared to be genuienly sorry, apologized for a lot of the things he did...he's still pretty much in the same place he was when i decided to cut off all contact...when i'm with him i feel like i'm right back there...i didn't say much during this talk...i didn't really say anything...i didn't know where to start or wondered if i even should...we parted our aways...and in the early hours of morning i sent the dreaded email you regret sending....it was basically explaining why i was so passive and that i wanted him to understand that although he was starting to understand what his actions meant he'd never understand the depth....this was suppose to be a summary so i'll end that here...

its just that i feel terrible...i feel like he was trying to open up and i shut him down...which i just feel bad about evn tho. he deserves it...
is it weak to care this much? does it mean I have no self respect that after all the hurt i've felt and still feel I am overwhelemed by guilt that I could have any part in him being so unhappy now.
I feel like somethings wrong with me...how is it possible after all the nights i've cried after all the guys i've pushed away out of fear that I would actually care about them, after all the days i live my life in a daze pursuing and achieving the goals i once set but not finding an once of joy in them, that I'm left here wanting to comfort him again...

i just can't seem to find a place to hide in for awhile where i feel content...no matter what i do or don't do i feel so uneasy about it all.....and its so constant i'd probably think it was weird to feel content for once....and it doesn't really help that i'm learning all these theories in school that just makes me analyze and reanalyze the whole thing....

[misombra]

how old are you?

[Only-virgins]

I read all that and august, I do not see a problem, whats the problem? you ended a relationship. that happens often you know, what advice you want?

[Lloyd95]

how old are you?

My guess is college age.

[Tone]

It is natural to care about someone you shared part of your life with.

What you're going through right now is very normal. You are still getting over a relationship... I wish there were something I could say to you to take all your confusion and/or doubts away.. but unfortunately the only thing that can help you really is time.

Remember you guys broke up for a reason.

[*august*]

i read my post over and i guess i wasn't clear about a question maybe at the time i wrote that i didn't really have one but i suppose i want to know if you think i'll just end up hurting myself by being in contact with him now...or if i will eventually just stop feeling bad on my own or do u think i should allow myself the opportunity to get all the things out that i was held back from saying the last time we spoke...

i know i'm being very vague its just that things got really complicated in the end and i could probably write a book on it...i'm just trying to keep these posts short

but to explain the situation a lil more...someone who was very close to him passed away around the time we stopped talking...i've felt guilty ever since then for cutting off contact around that time but things were just getting so overwhelming he kept going back and forth between me and this other girl and it felt like he was never going to decide who he wants so i just left....now he's come back to apoligize etc....i didn't say anything back b/c he was also talking about how depressed he has been but by not saying anything i'm afraid he'll interrprete he's interpreted it as me agreeing with him....or that he's undermining how bad things have been for me which have been preventing him from being 'happy' with this other girl....

...and yes i'm college age but from canada so its university age

[Tone]

Be cautious.

You say you guys broke up because he was confused about another girl he was interested in? And now it's FIVE MONTHS later and he's suddenly popped back up and wants to be a part of your life?

Sounds to me as if his "plan A" girl didn't work out so now he's going to his backup "plan B" - YOU.

Be careful.

[alice]

Be cautious.

You say you guys broke up because he was confused about another girl he was interested in? And now it's FIVE MONTHS later and he's suddenly popped back up and wants to be a part of your life?

Sounds to me as if his "plan A" girl didn't work out so now he's going to his backup "plan B" - YOU.

Be careful.

trust tone, he is very smart.

[Rosebud]

i read my post over and i guess i wasn't clear about a question maybe at the time i wrote that i didn't really have one but i suppose i want to know if you think i'll just end up hurting myself by being in contact with him now...or if i will eventually just stop feeling bad on my own or do u think i should allow myself the opportunity to get all the things out that i was held back from saying the last time we spoke...

i know i'm being very vague its just that things got really complicated in the end and i could probably write a book on it...i'm just trying to keep these posts short

but to explain the situation a lil more...someone who was very close to him passed away around the time we stopped talking...i've felt guilty ever since then for cutting off contact around that time but things were just getting so overwhelming he kept going back and forth between me and this other girl and it felt like he was never going to decide who he wants so i just left....now he's come back to apoligize etc....i didn't say anything back b/c he was also talking about how depressed he has been but by not saying anything i'm afraid he'll interrprete he's interpreted it as me agreeing with him....or that he's undermining how bad things have been for me which have been preventing him from being 'happy' with this other girl....

...and yes i'm college age but from canada so its university age

Do you have a hard time with closure on a lot of things? I mean it sounds to me like the hardest part your having here is deciding if you should tell him why you did the the things you did and cut him off completely? I don't know how you guys ended persay, as in if he cheated or couldn't decide who he wanted to be with. But like others have said you broke up for a reason so you weren't happy about whatever it was.

Now just because some other things in your life you thought would make you happy have not, does not mean you need to reconcile with him in any way (that includes giving him any explanation if it's only to make HIM feel better). i think you may be overwhelmed with a lot of emotion right now and you don't know where to start, he is not the first place to start hun! Granted you shared something with him, but if you want to figure everything out that your not happy with... you have to start with yourself first and figure out why your not happy.

You have said yourself, you have pushed several people away because of a fear you may care to much... why? Afraid to get hurt? I imagine that's not the only thing your afraid to get hurt with... So you have to look at everything and not worry about what he's going through.. You ahve to focus on you, and don't feel guilty because something happened to him after you broke up and he has been down about it. It's not your responsibilty anymore to make him feel better... he obviously didn't do that to you!

[ReneeA]

Well I can totally relate to the way you feel, and it seems to me that you haven't made a decision about what you want. I cried, and cried and cried when my ex broke my heart, but after the storm, I told myself that I needed to stop letting him make all of the decisions and that I needed to re-evaluate the situation and see it for what it really was and for who he really was. Just like your ex, my ex came crawling back w/ the apologies and made it sound like he needed me. Well, when I was there for him, he stomped on my heart. You care about him b/c you had feelings for him and I'm assuming you loved him and a part of you still does.

As far as you feeling guilty b/c you weren't 100% there for him, know that you come first. Plus, if you deplete your well, then you won't have anymore to give. And just like Rosebud says, its not your responsibility to fix him. You might find that your "guilt" may come from u wanting to help him and wanting to get close to him and therefore, maybe, just maybe, u guys will be together again. And plus, you're a good person, so u may want to help as much as you can. But, based on what u said, I really think that being there for him would just be an attempt to get close to him again. Not good. Plus, you never know, he may be using his emotional distress as a way to get back to you. Don't underestimate his motives.

Relationships don't make much sense. Even now when I think about my ex I get emo and angry and part of me still wants to be with him, but now, I know that it's not what is best for me and what I want is what's best for me. Anywho, whatever decision you make, make sure that it's you're decision and do what's best for you.

[*august*]

Thanks for all the replies...

I think you guys are right when we start contacting one another again I always seem to forget how much I end up getting hurt or how its usually always to serve his purposes....being cautious or not getting involved at all is probably best....thank you tone & alice

Rosebud & ReneeA you both gave me a number of good things to question or perhaps reminded me of things i was trying to ignore...

I guess I've gotten to a point where I had just wanted him to see how much he hurt me and contrary to his belief i'm still not okay...but thats really risky b/c somehow in the process of trying to explain this I end up getting taken advantage of and dissappointed again....

I guess I just have to move on regardless of how he feels on the subject (whether he's thinking i'm okay with everything or not shouldn't matter anymore i guess b/c we are never going to get back together)

We were together on and off for almost 5 yrs. and i guess its just hard accepting the way it ended and all the things he was capable of doing....