Friday morning humor

[Tone]

A girl wants to borrow her father's car, so she goes downstairs and asks: "Dad, can I take the car tonight?"
On which her father replies: "Only if you give me some head first"
His daughter is appalled, but seeing as she has an important date tonight, she decides to comply to his wishes. She goes down on her knees, pulls down her father's pants and stares at his penis.
"Dad, you've got shit on your shaft"
"Ow that's right, I almost forgot. Your brother has the car."

wtf - you just killed the thread.

Get out with that garbage.

[misombra]

ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww !

[DutchBoY]

that wasn't funny?!?!?! right.....

Ok, let's see if I can revive this topic then:

A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a masked robber runs out the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate. All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong" asks the mother. "I was taking pee and this bullet came out" replies the daughter. The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking pee and this bullet came out". Again the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago. A week later the boy walks into the room in tears. "It's okay" says the mom, "I know what happened, you were taking a pee and a bullet came out." "No," says the boy, "I was jerking off and I shot the dog."

Hope to have redeemed myself.

[Tone]

*yaaaaaaawwwwwwwwnnnnnnn*

I hereby ban you from telling a joke, ever - EVER AGAIN.

(Welcome to LF btw)

[Late_vamp]

yea those last 2 sucked ... sorry but you got banned by the MOd of funny .

[vashti]

that wasn't funny?!?!?! right.....

Ok, let's see if I can revive this topic then:

A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a masked robber runs out the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate. All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong" asks the mother. "I was taking pee and this bullet came out" replies the daughter. The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking pee and this bullet came out". Again the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago. A week later the boy walks into the room in tears. "It's okay" says the mom, "I know what happened, you were taking a pee and a bullet came out." "No," says the boy, "I was jerking off and I shot the dog."

Hope to have redeemed myself.

I thought it was kind of funny! The other one was gross, though.

[Tone]

I thought it was kind of funny!

(i.e. a nice way to say your joke was dumb)

[Rosebud]

How do you make a blonde's eyes sparkle?
Shine a torch into her ear...

How do you make a blonde laugh on a Saturday?
Tell her a joke on a Wednesday.

Why are blondes only allowed 30 minute lunch breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them if they take an hour.

What is the difference between Bigfoot and an intelligent blonde?
There have actually been sightings of Bigfoot.

Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
You can park in the handicapped spots.

[Lloyd95]

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local
golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind
if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."
So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the
newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer,
"What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a
beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my
tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a
look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of
his house.
"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see
right in the window." "Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can
see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her......
He's naked, too!!! The *****!"
He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the
trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.
Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, and just a kid, so just shoot his
dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few
minutes.
"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
"Just be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand
here....."

[Tone]

LOL! That's good.

[alice]

*yaaaaaaawwwwwwwwnnnnnnn*

I hereby ban you from telling a joke, ever - EVER AGAIN.

(Welcome to LF btw)

well, to me dutchboy's jokes were the funniest i read in here so far.

[Lloyd95]

well, to me dutchboy's jokes were the funniest i read in here so far.

Hmmph.


What's the worst part about eating a vegetable?

Putting them back in the wheel chair.

[alice]

Hmmph.


What's the worst part about eating a vegetable?

Putting them back in the wheel chair.

and that was the worst.

[Tone]

well, to me dutchboy's jokes were the funniest i read in here so far.

Then you definately don't know funny.

[Lloyd95]

Wife Girlfriend Software!

Dear Tech Support:


Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this was included with the product information. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.


Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Fishing 7.5, and Motorcycling 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can’t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I’m thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn’t work on Wife 1.0. Please help!!!!!!



THE REPLY:


Dear Troubled User:


This is due to a very common problem that generates many complaints. It is due to a primary misconception generally by male users. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that it is merely a “Utilities and Entertainment program”.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its creator to run everything! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and return to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating systems files cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0, so nothing is gained.
It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to disallow this.
Some have tried Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than in the original system. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under “Warnings - Alimony/Child Support.” I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation.
I suggest installing the background application C:\YES DEAR to alleviate software augmentation. Having installed Wife 1.0 myself, I also suggest that you read the entire section regarding “General Partnership Faults (GPFs).” You must assume all responsibility for any faults and problems that occur, regardless of their cause. You will also find that GPF’s are cyclical. The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. Avoid excessive use of C:\YES DEAR because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return too normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 (which replaces Burn It 1.0), Trash 4.0, and Do Bills 4.2.
You must, however, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program NagNag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 should this happen.
WARNING!!!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install SecretaryShortSkirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.