What to do..

[PaulD]

Firstly, hello to everyone here - only just joined the forum.

Anyway, the problem. I've known this girl for around 4-5 years now. From very early on it was obvious there was an attraction but we waited for around a year before actually getting into a relationship. At the time we were fairly young and needless to say, it didn't last all that long. Following that we'd remained friends and still saw each other quite alot (we had alot of mutual friends). Both of us would flirt when seeing each other and eventually decided to give it another go. The relationship lasted alot longer this time and I really did love her. When she ended it I was really down and depressed.

We lost contact for a while after that (although we'd still see each other now and then). I still had feelings for her though, despite trying to ignore them. Anyway, we then ended up seeing each other at a party. I got pretty drunk that night, although she wasn't actually too bad. Everyone could tell we were close that night after alot of flirting and our general behaviour. However..the catch. A few weeks before that night she'd got back with another boy who she'd also been out with before. Despite this she kept telling me how she wished she was with me instead etc. We kept on seeing each other on the sly for around a month after the party. (Aye, I know I shouldn't have). She'd keep telling me how much she liked me, and how she wished we were together. But I then realised it was best to stop seeing her like I had been, thinking if she really meat it she'd dump the bf she was with and then I'd make my move. That never happened. It's now around three-four months since that night and she's still with the same bf. We still see each other occassionally (as friends only) and generally get on really well. I'm still not over her though, I think about her so much and it's beginning to get me down. I have a feeling she may know how I feel, but I haven't told her, nor do I plan to.

Part of me's saying ditch her completely and move on, however hard it may be. But the other part is saying be patient, stay friends etc in hope she'll become single. I don't want to put my life on hold waiting for this one girl, but there always seemed like there was something special between us - I'm not sure I could just walk away from it.

Any help would be appreciated..

Thanks

[DutchBoY]

that's tough man. But like you said yourself, the best course of action seems to get away from her and move on. Apparently she has. Problem with her kind of girl is they like the attention and use your attraction for them as a means to keep you on a leash. Telling you how she actually wanted to be with you during that party is just low, especially seeing as you are still sort of hoping of you guys getting back together. I know the whole friendship things weighs heavy in deciding to turn your back on her, but a real friend wouldn't yank your chain the way she is doing now. I know this all sounds very rational and stuff, and I know it is a biatch to actually try and live it, but I think that the decision to turn your back on her together with time is the only way to get yourself emotionally disconnected from her to live your life again and meet new people.

[King Zarathu]

I've heard several times before: "How you do anything is how you do everything."

If she's willing to put you on hold now, how bad will it be when she puts you on hold in a relationship? What else in life does she put "on hold"?

I say ditch her. Is she somebody you could spend the rest of your life with? Don't waste your time buddy.

[PaulD]

Thanks for the replies so far.

In all honesty it probably would be best to ditch her completely in order to get emotionally disconnected, as DutchBoy said.

The problem is, with all the other girls I've been with when it's ended, I've moved on fairly easily. (Regardless of whether I dumped her, or vica versa). With this girl it's as if the spark between us is still there. Like I said, we do still see each other now and then due to mutual friends-last time I saw her was actually the weekend just gone. Every time we meet we get on really well, and I can sense there's something there. I genuinely believe she still has feelings for me, it's just as if she tries her upmost to ignore them, probably because she doesn't want to get involved in another situation like after the party I described in the first post. I say "ignore them" because at times she seems to let herself slip abit, and things seem to go back to what they were like. By that I don't mean anything sexual, but just the way we act together. At other times though she seems cautious-as if she's scared she'll get too involved again.

So yeah, maybe ending it altogether would be for the best. It just feels as if I'd be throwing someone away who I REALLY cared about.

Any other advice would be much appreciated.

[dono]

I know what you mean. I was in a similiar situation before. It's going to be hard, but if you are hurting because of all of this, then you need to do whats best for you.

You could flat out ditch her. It might hurt for a little while, but you would eventually get over it. The only problem I see in that is the fact that you guys have mutual friends.

You also might try telling her how you feel, and being very bold and addressing something to the turn of "him or me, pick" and so on. Who knows, maybe she likes you too, but she's just waiting for you to get some balls out, and tell her that you want her.

Just remember, the ball's in your court. What you do with it will determine the outcome of your position.

[PaulD]

The only problem I see in that is the fact that you guys have mutual friends.

Yeah, that's the biggest problem in ditching it all - I'm definitely not prepared to walk away from all of my other mates.

As for giving her the choice; him or me, I don't think it'd work. If I'd have done it at the time (after the party), I'm pretty sure she'd have ended it with him. And that's really my biggest regret from back then. I think if anything I was too nice and patient, I should've given her the question after the party, and probably would've ended up being with her. Like I said, I feel she still likes me but tries her best to ignore her feelings.

Thanks for the reply, it's useful to hear everyone elses opinion. I'd quite like to see a reply from a females perspective if possible.

If anyone else has any advice I'd appreciate it as I'm still not sure what to do.