What if?

[PTC03]

Ok, so yet another very short relationship has come to an end. Fine with me... wasn't meant to be. Meanwhile, my ex has contacted me a couple of times. It has been a year since we broke up. He will be in town in a few weeks and wants to get together for a drink. I have a feeling he is trying to get back together. Not sure how I feel about this... He is the only guy I have ever said "I love you" to and despite the fact that it's been a year I still have feelings for him (even though I am the one that broke up with him). I've dated four guys since him and none have felt right. I don't know if I should give it another shot or if I'm setting myself up to get hurt all over again. But what if we are meant to be??? He is the type of guy I see myself with longterm, but when we were dating our problems came in that he was a bit immature and selfish, despite being 5 years older. We argued all the time, but we also had so much fun together. I am just so confused right now! And I know that without knowing me or my ex nobody can really give me great advice, but I'm hoping for some thoughts on it.

[daisy]

I know some couples that argue all the time but love each other btw. And they can't leave without each other. But it's so nervous life I think! So think about that and if you are OK about daily quarrels and you still have feeling for him, why not to try!!! Good luck!

[clynn]

You should definitely explore what it is about. Otherwise, you'll forever wonder. This needs to be played out, I believe!

[Tone]

I think maybe you're using the fact that the other 4 guys didn't work out to help talk yourself into believing this guy is 'better' than he really is. I mean, you broke up for a reason right?

Just because you haven't found someone better yet, doesn't mean you should just fall back to what you're use to.

But yeah.. I guess it might not hurt to try...............

[vashti]

I'm not sure what specifically you broke up over, but perhaps he has grown up some in the last year. Broken hearts seem to precede character change in some people, and many men are slow in the maturing process. Depending on what you broke up over, you might consider checking things out again, but tread carefully if you do.

[PTC03]

Well, here's how it was before...

I was really frustrated because it took him 6 months before he would openly call me his girlfriend, even though we were together ALL THE TIME! After he started calling me his girlfriend he seemed to get really distant. I don't know if there was something else going on in his life or if the commitment idea made him hold back. The final straw for me was when my house burned down (yeah... talk about stress!) and he wasn't there to support me. He was very busy at the time, but should have made the time to be there for me. I think he felt bad about it when I told him I had to stop seeing him, but I just needed out at that time. I'm normally very very independent, but I NEEDED someone at that time in my life and when he wasn't there it made things even worse.
About 2 weeks after we broke up we ran into each other and ended up talking for a couple of hours about how and why things ended. He wanted to give things another shot. I considered it and he asked me to spend the night with him. After laying in his arms for hours one thing led to another and we had sex. That is when he said "I love you and I've always loved you but I've been too afraid to say it." (Oh God! I'm crying thinking about it!) So, was he saying it becuase we were having sex and were both slightly intoxicated, or was he sincere? That was our last night together becuase I decided I needed some time alone to figure things out.
We had a lot of fun together and I always said that I wanted to be friends with him, but now that he has reappeared in my life, and I don't know what his intentions are, I feel like being friends would be really difficult. One of his friends told me that he has grown up a lot since he graduated college and got a real job. Another friend of his thought I was crazy to consider dating him again... What do I make of all this??? Its so hard!
Ok, sorry this got really long! But it's good to get it all out!

[vashti]

Well, you don't say how old you both are, but judging from what you wrote, I am going to guess early to mid 20s?

I think it is too bad he wasn't a better source of support for you when you needed him, and I don't want it to look like I am excusing his inattentiveness, but honestly, if I am right about your ages, it is possible he simply didn't know HOW to help you. Sadly, many people crack when exposed to adverse conditions, but they improve with age and experience.

About the "I love you bit": yes, some guys will lie about their feelings to get a girl to sleep with them, but did he say this in an attempt to get you into bed, or did he say it afterwards? Because if it was afterwards, I don't see what he could gain by telling you this. Besides, you were more than some slut he picked up in a bar - you were the girl he invested a portion of his life with. I am inclined to believe him.

If he is generally a good guy, I would ignore what his friends say and make your own decision. People change a lot in their 20s. If you decide to give it one more shot, just take it slow.

[clynn]

Will you keep us posted?

I think that, as vashti says ... sometimes people don't know HOW to help. They may truly have a hard time with intimate relations and responsibilities. They don't know how to balance all that is expected of them in life. With schoolwork, etc. Not an excuse maybe. But still, it might be understood.

I wouldn't even say that is hard because of age, a lot of older people might also have a hard time with knowing how to help in that kind of a situation.

ALl the best.

I hope you keep us posted.

[PTC03]

I will keep you posted!

Thanks Vashti and Clynn... you're input has helped. I actually had one of my guy friends tell me the same thing about not knowing how to help. So now that I have had that confirmed a couple of times maybe I can more easily forgive him for not being there for me. It just seemed so weird to me though because complete strangers offered me help cleaning what I had left, a place to stay, or a hundred other things, but all he offered was a bed to sleep in for the weekend - and he wasn't even going to be in town that weekend!

Vashti - I am 22 and he just turned 28 if that helps. So you were pretty close on the age! If we do get together again I really hope this past year apart has put things into perspective for him!

[vashti]

PTC - one last bit of wisdom to keep in mind for your future. One flaw that seems to be particular to men is that they really do NEED to be told what we (women)want or need. The big flaw particular to women is that we think men should automatically know how to meet our needs based on intuition, and we get mad if they don't. The sooner you learn to be direct and ask for what you want or need, the less disappointment you will have over unfulfilled expectations, and the less "nagging" you will have to do.

I wish my mom would have told me this when I was younger, but I had to learn it on my own.

Good luck with your love life.

[clynn]

In fact, vashti would you even say that men are disapponted when women DON'T tell them what we need? As in, they feel like it is more difficult for them to help out, etc. then?