I'm not actually asking for advice.
This is more of a rant of sorts, I'm in that phase of "I want people to know what I'm goin' through." We've all been there.
Anyway, towards the point.
As some of you know I went through a volunteer program for 10 months called AmeriCorps*National Civilian Community Corps (NCCC), which I've just recently gotten back from. You travel around with a team of other 18-24 year olds performing service, anything from environmnetal work, to education, to disaster relief.
Well my team was made up of 3 guys (including myself) and 6 girls. Naturally when you're couped up with the same girls, there's gonna be some sexual tension and whatnot. However, in the beginning of the year we were warned of something called "teamcest", dating amongst the team, can make things awkward for obvious reasons, there's no choice in leaving your team, you're stuck with them regardless.
Well, towards the end of the year I was really crushin' on one of my team mates, despite everything about it being completely illogical. I was really startin' to get a bad case of heartache. 'Cause I knew for one, this behavior was looked down upon by the team, and expressing my feelings for this girl could make co-existence very awkward. The other thing was...well let me explain (sorry this is still goin').
I'm a very direct and sarcastic 20 year old guy from Philly who views many Chrisitians with a prejudice eye.
Ironically, I've fallen for a mild, reserved 24 year old born again Christian from a small town in Texas. Hell she's even taller than me, superficial I know but I just never thought I'd consider any girl taller than me, or think a girl would consider me, being shorter.
From the start, everything about it screamed illogical and irrational. But I felt that if I didn't say somethin' I'd regret it. We'd been talking a lot more on our last project, goin' on walks and such. 'Till one night I got the balls enough to express to her how I felt with a kiss on the cheek. Lucky for me, the feelings were mutual. For the next 2 weeks we hung out constantly, made out and cuddled in my dorm room every chance we got. Never officially telling the team about us. But they're no idiots, I'm sure they knew what was up. I mean, come on, Amy and Choi ran off a 11pm and didn't show up until 5am...again?
Well now that the program is over, she's back in Texas, and I'm up here in Philly. I'm doin' another AmeriCorps program and she's goin' back down to volunteer in New Orleans with another one of my teammates for the next 6 months. We still talk on the phone, she and my team mate intend on traveling up this way after their term is done in January.
I'm just stuck in this rut. I keep tellin' myself that I have nothing to be committed to. We knew from the start that everything about the relationship was destined to come to a screeching halt when the end of our year came. But...just, damn it y'know? It just irritates me, the attraction, the mutual attraction is there, but it's just that we're both in different times in our lives.
I'm not asking for advice. I know what I should do. It's just, god damn it. Damn it all!
Thanks for reading this if you've gotten this far. And if you didn't, I don't blame you, I hate long threads too.
Heh, I feel like I've slandered my reputation of being a cynical, sarcastic, heartless cocksucker.