I need help.

[Syntax]

Hi, I recently went on holiday wth my girlfriend of 3 years. An absolute saga of woe. The month b4 we went away she had been real distant, staying with her friends at the weekend etc. She came to live with me from another town so she has always been a few miles away from her friends, so I was thinking, she's happy I'm happy kinda thing. Thinking she/we had enough drama (where do I start- abortion- attempted suicide, the pressures of living together for 2 years etc) , so I'm thinking don't make a big deal etc. However the night before we go away, we are getting a drink and I say, I hope this is going to be good for us, turning the corner from all the stress in the past and moving away from drama and hardship and into having a good time. I mention that she has been pretty dstant. She tells me she has been avoiding being together, that she couldn't see a future together etc THE NIGHT BEFORE WE GO AWAY!
I say ,look I don't want to go. I don't want to go here , you split up with me and leave when we get home, I'd rather not go. She insists that it'll be ok, we'll work it out, we deserve the holiday etc. So with a heavy heart I go to sleep preparing for the unknown.
From the moment we set off til about 3 or 4 days into the holiday she is sullen distant etc etc. I finally can take no more and confront the question that is burning away at me.

She says that it's over and that she is leaving when we get home, which she does, the morning after the night we return. Needless to say the remander of the holiday was an absolute unspeakable nightmare, made all the more worse as I viewed it as being such an important event for us which would signify turning the corner from stress to happyness for us, and the place was beautiful. I was planning on asking her to marry me. Now I find myself in the position of being alone and praying that there will be the same result as last time she left, when given a couple of weeks space she returned. She is only 21 right enough (I'm 27) All of which I have to take into the equation. Praying for the best, preparing for the worst. It's the not knowing that kills tho, is she hurting too, or out partying and getting on with it. I can't phone tho, not phoning and giving her space seems to be the only chance I've got. Plus it gets to the stage when you have to look at your own self respect.

Really struggling at the moment, she haunts my thoughts constantly and nothing seems worthwhile anymore. Sometimes I just want it all to end. The only time I am content is when I am sleeping. Being alone is a killer. Being out and about or with "friends" brings me down. Work is torturous and the evenings and weekends are dismal and painfull. I know I must sound like a teenager. In all honesty I am in agony. I know I am not starving or homeless and there are people worse off than me throughout the world, but I'm just sick of feeling this way. I try and write down positive words to try and remind myself that I will be ok in the long run. I felt so alone. I feel as though the world is savage and mocking me.

At times I feel like an idiot, like a cuckold who is grieving the loss of a person who I thought I would grow old with who is now free to party and **** the ****ing world and laugh with her new ****buddies at me. All these questions and thoughts and investigating what I could have done or could do are laughable. I need to face reality but I am just disgusted with the whole world. Just to fall asleep is a gosend until the demons appear again. If she does phone what then ? I would fall at her feet and bathe them in tears and go thru the same shit all over again and again, wouldn't I ? I would attempt a pretence at hesitance but in reality I would climb everest for her to be with me again.
I guess I must have poured everything into this relationship partly because I fear/ loath a large percentage of modern life/society and as it has all fallen apart I find myself in an extremly frightening position....

I Need a drink tonight. Took a look at her and her friends myspace pages tonight. Sad, I know. They are all going to the wickerman festival and she just seems to be syched about that "The madness begins tonight woot woot" etc There are also entries from 28/06/06 that are very excited about the festival even then ("Not many sleeps to go now" )etc , in the dying throes of that ill fated journey she seems more concerned with partying with her friends apon our return, than trying to salvage or maintain our relationship. It's hit me like a tonne of bricks tonight, but maybe this is for the best. Perhaps she is not the person I thought she was, or at any event held any kind of hope or intrest in our future. I think that I see now that I have to make the desision to faceup to life alone. My friends bore and frustrate me, my family just seem to bring me down. There is a long dark tunnel in front of me. I don't know how all this is going to turn out for me. My neighbours are incredibly loud and roudy, I feel as tho the walls are closing in on me. I don't know why I'm pouring all this out to you.

Had to leave work early this afternoon- home now, had to get out of that place. Left a few hours early have to make it back up next week. Glad to be home. I don't know if I'm being wildly optimistic but I began to feel slightly differantly there for a moment or two. I began to think, like "I could have it so much better." Perhaps I have been romatasising the remeberance of our time together. Why should it be her who decides my fate. Her, that I have given everything to and has responded with such short thrift and cruel selfishness. Then I would fall into a darker mood, and they would kind of oscillate. Hopefully there can be light at the end of the tunnel. Surely the oscillation begins to fall more lengthly apon the more optimistic vibe. I feel quite angry at times for the way that she done it. It's too late to write it off but I think there is something more important at stake that this relationship. I think I must start thinkink with my head instead of my heart, and focus on myself.

I miss her so much, but in 3 weeks I am proud that not even in my darksest hours have I called and begged her to come home, like me soul cries and demands I do.

[Gigabitch]

Give yourself a deadline. Wallow for another two weeks, look at her Myspace page, obsess, and then.... stop.

Get on with your life.

She is clearly embracing that whole world you're so disgusted with. She's too young for you, she's not right for you.

You'll find someone who is.

[Syntax]

I'm not that willing to just write it off like that.

As I said, we've been here before.

I didn't say I was disgusted with the whole world

[Gigabitch]

At times I feel like an idiot, like a cuckold who is grieving the loss of a person who I thought I would grow old with who is now free to party and **** the ****ing world and laugh with her new ****buddies at me. All these questions and thoughts and investigating what I could have done or could do are laughable. I need to face reality but I am just disgusted with the whole world. Just to fall asleep is a gosend until the demons appear again. If she does phone what then ? I would fall at her feet and bathe them in tears and go thru the same shit all over again and again, wouldn't I ? I would attempt a pretence at hesitance but in reality I would climb everest for her to be with me again.

What's this, then.

The person you describe in no way deserves the person you purport yourself to be.

Want to revise your post?

[Syntax]

yeah your right. sorry I'm just so confused right now.

[determinedguy]

Syntax, you sound somewhat like me. I'm disgusted with the state of the world myself, sometimes I feel like I'm the last caring, respectful person left in the world.
My wife left me in February. This month would have marked 6 years together.
We had so much crap we had to endure together- money problems, transportation problems, and one bad neighbor after another. We lived over an extremely loud bar for over 2 years. Then we had alcoholic neighbors that loved to party and blast their music. We had my beloved cat that i had since i was 12 years old die in 2003 and that tore me apart.
She pulled away from me, not being able to handle my grief for very long. I gave her everything and spoiled her rotten. Clothes, money, teddy-bears, books, jewelry. I wrote her poetry and made her artwork and did the sweetest things for her. For 2 1/2 years, she had no income whatsoever and I had to pay all the bills, make all the sacrifices and support her while dealing with my grief, and that terrible bar that she forced me to move above in the first place.
She pulled away from me and started chatting all night long on the internet instead of going out and getting some source of income. Finally she was about to get on SSI (disability), the alcoholics were evicted, i was volunteering my time- i thought everything was getting better. Then i find out she was having an online affair and phone sex with an internet guy that she swore was just a friend. She had a complete made-up world for herself, i discovered. I set him straight on her double-life and he apologized.
I was furious. Then she told me she was leaving me. For 2 1/2 years, i supported this girl only to have her leave as soon as she got her own money! I feel so used.
I still loved her, though, and tried to work things out. She still left. i wanted to end things there, but she convinced me we still had a chance. So for 6 months, she played the hot and cold game. We'd get together and she'd be wonderful. A week would go by, and then she didn't want me anymore. Back and forth again and again. She told me another guy was coming around, but he was just a friend. (This is true, I found out she doesn't like him at all and using him while he has feelings for her.)

After months of stringing me along, a few days ago, she ends it officially. She tells me we're incompatible. I'm boring. She doesn't need me anymore. Afterall, she has family and friends helping her out and guys asking her out all the time while i have no one. She was all i had left. She wants to forget about the past and move on, so i am left holding all this emotional baggage by myself. Everything i did for her, everything i sacrificed for her, everything i forgave her for- doesn't matter to her anymore.
I still love her and i know in my head i deserve better, but i thought we'd always be together forever. I moved 500 miles away from my home to live near her family. She was everything to me and now she's gone. After 6 months of getting the run around, I'm getting a counselor on Monday. It's hard for me to trust people because i've been hurt so many times before, so i don't have any close friends.
I cry a lot thinking about her, and i knew all along that she was never as committed to me as i was to her. I'm a good writer, so i'm getting all my feelings out in songs.
If you wanna chat- let me know.

[Gigabitch]

I know this is going to sound harsh, but why don't both of you try to imagine that your ex has been killed in a terrible accident? Just spend one day telling yourself that she'll never come back because she can't, because she's gone.

Maybe that would help to make the mourning cleaner.

[Syntax]

You are coming across a little harsh, perhaps a little more tenderness wouldn't go a miss. If your here to help, try remembering that you are speaking to someone whose heart has been ripped out, and they are struggling to survive. The comment "She's too young for you - she's not right for you" was just really cutting and wrong of you. How could you say that. As I've said we've been here before and she has returned.

[AngelicAsylum]

I'm younger than you and I have no idea what it's like to lose someone after going through so much. The most I've suffered through is the end of a two year relationship - but I'm trying to relate to you, and I am sympathetic. =)

I think focusing on yourself would be a great idea! If you take care of yourself, everything else will follow. Now that you're "free", so to speak, of your ex-girlfriend, you can spend your extra time working out (for some reason that makes me feel better but I can't speak for everyone), or doing something that you've always wanted to do but never had the chance.

Of course it's going to hurt, because breakups are like that. The main thing to keep in mind is that all pain heals in time. After a mourning period of crying and being miserable, it'll be time to put your pain on a backburner and focus your time on other things. Put yourself in a positive atmosphere, somewhere that you would find fun. Even if you don't enjoy yourself the first few times, you will eventually. Twenty seven is not old, and you have plenty of time to find someone else.

Well, if I haven't helped you, I just hope I've been supportive. =)

[determinedguy]

It sounds like you're not ready to let her go, so I won't even try to advise you to do so. Only you know if she's worth waiting for- did she treat you well? It sounds like you just need someone to talk to. AngelicAsylum is right about focusing on yourself- doing all the things you never got to do when you were with her. It's easier said than done, of course, when you've been through so much together- believe me I know. Don't be afraid to get counseling if you need it- my first session today went really well.
-DeterminedGuy

[Syntax]

Hi, it's all over, after 3 weeks without contact, I messaged her to ask for closure and to tell her that I have bagged the rest of her stuff, and that she could collect it. I just asked how she was and said that I hoped everything would work out for her and she would have a good life. No hard feeling etc. I asked if there was any chance we could start all over again. Take it slow, enjoy being together again without the stress, but she didn't want to know.I also asked where it had all gone wrong, and she said there was no point agonising over it. At least now I'm not in that horrible limbo state. I am left only with despair. At least the hope is gone. I think I can live with the despair. Surely it will disperse in time. I thnik it was the hope that was killing me. Well I'm in work, all set for another soul crushing day of tedium with a hangover from the joints and cider I had to take the edge off it. I have deleted her phone no and email contacts and now must disipline myself not to check her myspace etc. I think lonelyness is a killer for me. Already I am looking around trying to replace the gaping whole in my life with someone new. I think that is what I done last time around. I had just got out of a 3 year relationship before my romance with Rachel. Is this the way it is going to go for me. I just seem to be programmed to need a partner. I fall head over heels in love with them, and ultimatley like th Johhny cash song, "Everyone I know, goes away, in the end." At least this time round I don't feel like an absolute scab cretin as I did at the end of my previous relationship. I ****ed that one right up. At least I can hold my head up and think I have treated her like a gent. I never cheated on her and I did everything in my power to let her know that I loved her every day, and tried with every ounce of energy to build our future together and give her the security she then craved. Well I have got the closure that I desired. It was a search for reality last night, to know one way or the other. I didn't get the answer I wanted. But I suppose "You can't always get what you want." Truly horrific time for me tho, one moment I can talk like this and philosophise, the next I'm imagining her in all sort of lurid scenes with her new found freedom. I suppose there is no point wasted all your energy and emotion where the feeling is no longer recipricated, but it's just the stabbing pain and dull wretched drearyness of life alone, rejected, abandoned and lost.

What am I to do ?