History and A Problem

[VibrantColor85]

I have know a friend of mine for around 10 years. We met in 3rd grade and we were each other's best friend(in 3rd grade that made us bf/gf because that's how a 10 year old's mind works). Then I moved to a new house and got accepted into the gifted and talented school on the other side of town. Well, when I was 15 I was living in a neighbor hood where I had no friends, literally. I only had one friend at this time, and I could not see her very often. This was the year I was in 8th grade. I was pondering my emptyness one day when it occured to me that there was a boy across the street around my age who didn't seem to have any friends either. So after I found out what his name was from someone, I went over and asked if he could come outside.
This was the beginning of my problems. I spent all my time with him, we not realize that we knew each other already, and that was all I wanted to do. When he remembered who I was things became weird and complicated. He kept asking me to be his girlfriend and I kept saying no. Up to this point I had decided that i didn't want or need a boyfriend or anyone to be happy. Whenever I was around him I felt very strange and it made me uncomfortable, and I still let it happen anyway. Then, one day for a reason I can't remember, I kissed him on the cheek and said yes. Then I subsequently ran away.
Some of the things that happened after that made me feel very dirty and sick to my stomach. I let him do things I didn't really want anyone to do, but because he called me pretty and told me he loved me I let him do it anyway. Then, I thought 'I have to break up with him, I can't do this'. So I just started ignoring him and staying away from him. This was a BAD idea. I didn't know it at the time, but my bf is bipolar. The doctors had apparently just discovered this as well, and so they put him on Prozac before anyone knew that Prozac tends to just make it worse. He flew off the handle and threatened to slit my throat, kill my family, and a lot of other scary things. I went home, and of course like any scared 15 year old, told my mom. Anothe BAD idea. She called the police. He wasn't arrested because he didn't hurt me, he only said he would.
Well, some girl in the neighborhood who had befriended me on the bus came and told me that he was doing bad things down by the retention pond and I should go stop him. Well, being a caring human being, I went with her to stop him from hurting himself. BAD idea #3.(this just wasn't a good time to be me).
He exploded and chased me across an intersection before giving up. I was terrified. I didn't want to ride the school bus becasue he was on it. So until he was put on a different bus, I was driven to school. I avoided him at all costs after that. At least until my sophmore year of high school. I spent freshman year sort of hiding and jumping behind corners. The transportation department changed our bus stop that year and so I was standing there listening to my CD player when out of the corner of my eye who did I see but him. I just ignored him and drowned out the world with my CDs. I sat with my friend Kourtney for most of that year. I listened to a lot of angry music, not because I was angry, but to make others leave me alone.
This deterred everyone except my very few close friends and him. I was lip sync-ing to a Slipknot song one day when my friend handed me a note. I almost died after I read the first line. It said please don't tear this up before you read it.
He was apologizing. He said he wanted to be friends with me still if I would let him. I avoided him still after that, and then one day while hyped up on mountain dew and mood swings from PMS, I went outside and talked to him. I told him that my mother had called the police, not me, and that I was afraid of him. He was wondering why I always ran away.
He then explained to me that he is bipolar and that he had just been started on some medication that seemed to be working. He said the Prozac made him feel even more depressed and made him want to hurt everyone, inlcuding himself. He spent many days apolgizing and I eventually forgave him. I began seeing him in secret for about a year. When I turned 18 things went only downhill. Bipolar people are hypersexual, and I am not. It was very close to the day of my 20th birthday that my virginity was taken from me. I remember falling asleep and then waking up naked. I have fragmented memories of what happened, but I don't remember it for the most part. I was and am extremely unhappy about this. I didn't want to have sex with him. Not because I didn't love him, but because it was something I wasn't ready for. I know I wasn't ready because I miss my virginity.
It became something he wanted to do all the time. Once, last year, he cried when I told him no and would have nothing to do with me until I agreed. I'm not saying that at the time I didn't enjoy some of it, because I did. But sometimes I felt dirty, and cried while we did it, and I always will feel dirty and disgusting for ever doing it at all. I hate myself for letting that happen. It ruined our relationship. It is always sex or videogames with him. He told me that sex was an important part of a relationship and that he would seriously consider leaving me if it was ever cut off. I felt and feel like shit. But it has come to a point where I just am not interested. I just don't want love if that is the price.
I love him, don't get me wrong. I always have and always will. But the other day I sent him an email that was basically saying that this was the end. I just don't want to be in a relationship with him anymore. He doesn't even want to spend time with me unless it involves a videogame. His eternal excuse is being sick or something about his mom. He won't get motivated and do what he has to to get into college, like I did(I had to fight my way in) and he only complains about things instead of fixing what he can. I can't be dragged any further down.
I just don't think he undestands yet that I have decided to be only his friend; even then only if he can be civil about it. There were a lot of nice moments in the relationship, I will miss the nice things, the sweet things. But not enough to stay and let myself be destroyed by my own self loathing.
I guess the thing I need advice on is how do you tell someone like him, who trusts no one and who you know the only friend they have is you, that you love them but you can't be with them? I just don't know if his mind, medicated though he is, can handle a blow like that. What do I do?

[thinker]

Wow... quite the tale... I have not had that much experience with this sort of mental illness stuff like a professional would, which is my first though: see a professional, someone who has dedicated their life to helping people with illnesses like this one, so you can be sure you are doing the best thing in the best way; don't leave it up to your intuitions here... you want to know form people who have studied this sort of thing what to do. So see one, even if just to talk.

I must say, I was really touched by your story. I want to say how impressed I was with your kindness and loyalty. You really are a good friend. However, there are lines in anyone's life that must be drawn. A person, no matter what they were under or dealing with or any other excuses you can justify, who says they want to hurt you in any way, let alone kill you and your family, is beyond your power to help. Period. I know, I have been with people like this (not quite as extreme) and you feel the exact opposite when you're in the situation, but please, get help. From a professional; you are in waaaaay over your head, and you can only make things worse unfortunately. I'm glad you have come to the decision to call off any type of serious relaitonship... but think about what has happened with this person... sorry to bring up sore events, but he stole your virginity in your sleep for crying out loud... You are being blinded by so many things that you cannot see the obvious danger and risk you are putting yourself in. You say you feel bad becuase he doesn't have any friends... well, have your moment of pity... ... ... there. Now get over it. By sheilding him from the real world, you are hurting him far more than you ever could with honesty. Please just be true to yourself and dont back down, for BOTH your sakes. You say you dont think he can handle a blow like that, well, honey, there are much worse things in the world than having a girl just want to be friends. Stop being this man's overprotective nanny and live YOUR life; I know you are concerned for his well being, which is very admirable of you, so maybe you will want to get him help. Sex and videogames (fun as they both can be) is not life, and you are being treated like shit. For your sake, please I beg you to seek safety. Mental illnesses like this are nothing to toy with or hide under the rug because you think you can deal with them yourself later. He needs to be in the real world, and by trying to protect him, you are hurting him by keeping him from reality. I don't mean to rant on like a doctor, so go see a doctor and have him rant for you! My biggest concern is for YOU, that you are safe; no matter how "changed" or improved you think he is, he has hurt you and threatened to kill you in the past. This is serious. Get help. And don't put it off; find something NOW, right after reading this post, I would strongly recommend. You do want to help him, right? Hard as it is to swallow (I know) this is the best and really only thing you can do. You have not studied this for x number of years... there are people who have and deal with this kind of thing every day. THEY can help BOTH of you... don't try to save the world... what good is that if you can't live in it? Please find a doctor of some kind right now and go form there. Also please let us know how things go; I for one am quite concerned and worried... Best of luck to you.

[Gigabitch]

You're not doing him any favors by being so inconsistent. Make a decision. Stick to it. He needs stability in order to level out, and you're clearly quite the catalyst for him to go right off the edge.