whats this all mean ? my ultimate dillema.

[Alexander84]

Just me, I guess.

I think there's a lot to be said for person-to-person communication. You should try to see her. You'll be glad you did just because you'll have a much more clear idea of what's going on.

I knew I could count on at least you Giga, bless you.

And I agree whole heartedly, there is no substitute for that kind of communication. It surely beats sitting around and trying to guess and assume what could be going on in her head and wether or not I messed up everything myself. So I just had my friend set a get together of sorts that would naturally include her, hopefully within the next three or so weeks I'll get back to you guys with what happened, whats really going on and if anything will materialize.

Once more, thanks for your advice and support everyone, its making this heart troubling issue alot easier on me.

[Prodigal]

Let's hope it works out. I think you're doing the right thing here.

[Alexander84]

Let's hope it works out. I think you're doing the right thing here.

Thanks Prodigal, I hope the same too. Getting to the bottom of everything and getting a concrete answer is essential after what I've been through, I think we are in agreement here.

I sure hope she's not playing hard to get though.

[Alexander84]

Well I had a sit down with her friend (my own friends wife) and discussed the matter with her. I told her about all the occurances that led me beleive she in fact did have feelings for me, her friend didnt know about almost any of these instances and claimed I indeed deserved at least an answer from herself.

Unfortunately she also told me that she's tried everything, that inviting her to her house wont work out because she knows you'll be there , how she is unwilling to distribute her number, etc. At the same time she let me know how Janet was agitated and kept asking her why she tried setting us up, what gave me the impression I had feelings for her when we had never really sat down and talked, how she claimed she could only see someone from her own ethnic backround in her future and how she is as a person, that in their near decade of a friendship, Janet has never even mentioned of any crushes, or commeneted on any guys looks, and even felt very uncomfortable and akward around guys she knew liked her. And that from what she knows shes probably never even been on a date,etc, and how shes dreadfully shy.

We came to the conclusion that based on all this is that I in the least deserve an answer from her self, and that the best thing would be for me to write her a simple yet detailed letter telling her how I feel, what leads me to beleive she has feelings for me and asking her if she would essentially give me the opportunity to simply get to know her through whatever way she feels most comfortable (IE: through letters,email or even supplying me phone # in the letter)

What do you guys think of this situation as it stands ? Makes me beleive shes simply expecting her parents to set up a marrage for her !

Am In the wrong and severely blinded for at least attempting to write her this letter in an attempt to get her to get out of her shell and find out what the reality of it all is ?

[Alexander84]

Well ladies and gents what do you think ?

Anyone ? Am I doing the right thing here ?

[derm]

Well ladies and gents what do you think ?

Anyone ? Am I doing the right thing here ?

Alex.

Man my heart goes out to you, I've been there. I know what its like to have a girl give you the 'come on'. You maybe pass it off for a while but the feeling grows and grows. You still ignore it but it won't go away, you really really like her and you know she feels the same! When you finally decide you've had enough and take action......BANG...you're knocked back!

In my case it was simple....she had a boyfriend. But in your case she seems to be protecting YOU from getting hurt later. Knowing her parents won't allow any sort of relationship to develop she's actually depriving herself from a relationship with the person she is attracted to. She comes accross as a nice person. I feel sorry for ye both!

Before you take this any further I would ask you to seriously think about this girl and see if she is really worth the hassel. I mean is she really that beautiful, really that compatable with you and have ye really so much in common that it is worth all the pain and harship ye both will have to endure to see each other.

You may look back at this (especially if someone better comes along later) and realise that any type of relationship would have fizzled out pretty quickly anyhow.

Thats my advice, sorry if it's NOT what you want to hear

D

[Gigabitch]

She takes shy to the very border of mental, doesn't she?

I think the letter thing is a stellar idea. You express yourself well, and so shouldn't be too nervous about what to write.

I hope it works. You seem patient. You'll have to be, to get this girl.

[Alexander84]

I know what its like to have a girl give you the 'come on'. You maybe pass it off for a while but the feeling grows and grows. You still ignore it but it won't go away, you really really like her and you know she feels the same! When you finally decide you've had enough and take action......BANG...you're knocked back!

in your case she seems to be protecting YOU from getting hurt later. Knowing her parents won't allow any sort of relationship to develop she's actually depriving herself from a relationship with the person she is attracted to. She comes accross as a nice person

Pretty accurate enough summary you've got there. What I cant bear to understand is, if indeed she never had the intention of even getting to know me (parents or not) then why even partake in such apparant deceit ? She couldnt let go either ?

If it is indeed her parents holding her back then *MAYBE there is a way around this obsticle, and she's at least willing to take the risk after getting to know a bit about me through whatever method she perfers and doesnt put her in an uncomfortable position.

She takes shy to the very border of mental, doesn't she?

I think the letter thing is a stellar idea. You express yourself well, and so shouldn't be too nervous about what to write. I hope it works. You seem patient. You'll have to be, to get this girl.

Thats fine with me, as long as it actually is her shyness thats being demonstrated and her reluctancy to let anyone know of her feelings towards myself and not her possible disgust/dislike towards me by not wanting to come to her friends house knowing ill be there, and the other things she told her friend.

Thanks for the kind words, hopefully my patience will pay off. Just handed in that letter yesterday (Fri.) Hopefully there is some form of answer in the horizon soon.

:CrossesFingers:

[Alexander84]

Well today I received my so-called reply.......

After reading the letter she was apparantly mad at her friend for "leading me on" oddly enough. (though if anyone, it wasnt them) She did later call and apologize for that to her friend. Anyways, she went on to tell her that the reply was the following: That she was SEEING SOMEONE (!) how she was happy, the relationship was indeed serious and how she's in love. And that she does not have feelings for me. She then proceeded to tear my letter and threw it away. (sigh!) Upon being asked to at least write back her reply she simply claimed how she didnt want to lead me on. Her friend also told me she had seen Janet with the man in question a few days earlier (who was from her own ethnic backround too) but didnt want to jump to conclusions until after she gave the letter to her.

Not much to say other than the fact that im severely confused, and obviously disappointed. Most of all in the way I was treated. Im guessing she did in fact have some feelings but due to our differences she new that nothing would ever materialize. Lessons learned ? I guess not to open my heart to anyone and if in fact you do feel a certain way, make sure you go on the offensive instantaneuously !

[Gigabitch]

That stinks, Alex!

I think the dramatic treatment of the letter indicated some level of feeling there, but she's apparently so concerned with ethnicity, she's willing to let it dictate her life.

Eh, you're a quality guy. you'll find someone else. Next time you'll know what to do.

[Alexander84]

I think the dramatic treatment of the letter indicated some level of feeling there

but she's apparently so concerned with ethnicity, she's willing to let it dictate her life.

At the same time you'd think if there were feelings, she'd at least have treated me as the human-being I'am instead of the sub-human I was consequently treated as. When I was told of her disposing the letter as such I just litterally sank. You'd also think she wouldnt have partaken in leading me on HERSELF if she knew nothing would ever materialize, but I guess thats part of her not wanting to let go and make herself feel better.

You know, Ironically enough I talked about our cultures and specifically, narrow-mindedness in the letter too. Spot on in the end ! Im sure she'll be wondering how things COULD have been !

Oh well im far too young to throw in the towel now and ill know i moved on having tried my best and simply being myself. Sometimes though there are mentalities that time cannot change and that much is unfortunate, as im sure its kept alot from being acheived. In closing, much appreciation to everyone that took the time and cared enough to post and help me out in this situation.

[Prodigal]

Personally, I think that she has feelings but is forcibly stifling them. If somebody did that to you, would you rip up the letter? Even if you hated the person?

I think she's pretending like she hates you and treats you 'sub-humanlike' because it's a way for her to deny any attraction. And you know what? She's probably doing that because of the whole ethnicity thing.

You have the right mentality. If she can't get past it, forget about her and move on (which it seems I don't even need to tell you because you already know). You'll find someone better suited for you, I'm sure.

[Alexander84]

Personally, I think that she has feelings but is forcibly stifling them.

If somebody did that to you, would you rip up the letter? Even if you hated the person?

I think she's pretending like she hates you and treats you 'sub-humanlike' because it's a way for her to deny any attraction. She's probably doing that because of the whole ethnicity thing.

If she can't get past it, forget about her and move on

And that fact hurts SO much more, yet at the same time makes things a bit easier as far as letting go, knowing other things stood in the way. Honestly its hard to explain what I'm feeling.........

As far as what I would have personally done in her position ? I would have simply returned the letter to the sender, and offered my reply orally too. I also think theres good reason she didnt want to tell her friend anything that was contained in the letter either, it would have made her look even worse !

Yea, obviously there is nothing left. And chances are if indeed she is seeing someone it is serious and will most likely eventually lead to engagement/marrage provided the family "approves".

Of course, nothing will change who I'am. Thanks Prodigal.

[Gigabitch]

As far as what I would have personally done in her position ? I would have simply returned the letter to the sender, and offered my reply orally too. I also think theres good reason she didnt want to tell her friend anything that was contained in the letter either, it would have made her look even worse !

Ooo! Good point. She was destroying the evidence.

[Alexander84]

Yea, that might definately be the case ! Yet it may even simply be a privacy issue.

*edit* : You know another thing that boggles me is the fact that now, suddenly, she's magically 'in love', and its 'serious'. I mean, did she keep it a secret from everyone including her friend for some time (consequently when i was taking the opportunity) and now that her friend saw her herself decided to come out with it too ? A move to simply shake me off once and for all regardless of the existence of even a relationship ?

Blah, oh well, some women are just evil. Hopefully the pain subsides in the next weeks/months and im able to move on.