What to do next? (this is long!)

[thefeature]

Hi,

Its been a while since I have been on here but i need some help again. Me and my girlfriend were together for about 3 years on and off and split up last May. Thats when i came here for advice. I didnt treat her particulary well or anything and we argued all the time but she was really into me and loved me. I just didnt realise what i had till it was gone.

So we split up for 6 months and she has a boyfriend for a couple of months but nothing serious. I sleep with a couple of girls and try to get my mind off her but couldnt. We ended up getting back together in sept last year and things were going great, we seemed in love again wanted to spend all our time together etc.

Then in Jan she was unsure and split up with me for about 3 hours. lol she said she didnt know whether it was more friendship and comfort that she had with me. I said ok but this time your not seeing me again (last time I spent 6 months pretty much trying to get back with her!) i have to get over her.

She rang me later that night and said she didnt want to be without me. So we go on holiday and come back and she seems really positive and wants to be with me. She spends loads on Valentines and wants to start looking at houses together etc. Her sex drive isnt what it used to be and I start to notice and bring up that we dont have sex as much anymore or kiss like we used too etc. But dont make a big deal.

Anyway this continued and it came about that we could rent her brand new uncles apartment for as long as we want for a really good price. So she practically forces/pushes me into living with her because I was unsure at the time.

However I realise after a few weeks its actually great living with her and I am really starting to be happy with everything we have going for us. We get along well apart from odd housework arguements and little things but still her sex drive is less. This causes a bit of friction with me.

Now fast forward to last Wednesday and after her being unsure again about us I move my stuff back to my mums for a few nights and we say we will talk about it on Sunday. On sunday I made her dinner for when she came back from work etc try and make her feel special and realise we can make it work. She says she cant see us ever being completely happy and something is missing. She thinks its spark but I try to tell her your not going to have that all the time in a 4.5 year relationship its replaced by love, commitment etc and sharing new experiences. and there are things you can do to get it back etc.

She says she loves me and all she wanted to do right now is lie with me and watch a film but then she wont feel like sex later (and she doesnt know how to change it) and it will upset me. She also says she doesnt want to hurt me anymore and that she cant keep putting me through this (changing her mind and not being sure about us every few weeks/months) which i agree with really i cant take it. I said to her is me moving out and us splitting up what you want 100% for sure, because im not coming back this time and im not speaking to her/being friends etc because its too hard. And she says "i think so".

She sends me texts asking if im ok and she really doesnt want to do this to me and how if its hurting her so much then she cant imagine how it feels for me. Now I am going to move my stuff out Thurs and it will be for good. I left her a note last night which had a few nice things on it (but mainly just saying i had took some stuff and ill get the rest thurs) and an email asking if she was sure etc.

Im just wondering if before thurs (i am going to have to get my stuff with my mum and mate) whether i should speak to her one last time on her own (wed) and just ask her if she is completely sure about this decision. I just dont understand how if she loves me, we always make each other laugh, have a great time with each other and are always affectionate with each other and now she just cant be bothered to try anymore. Its just the sex and passionate kissing thats missing, she thinks we are always trying to fix our relationship, she doesnt really trust me that much and she doesnt want us to just both "settle" for something. But i really dont feel like this there are times when we are together that i see all those old feelings from both of us, not just me.

I mean she was breaking down really bad on Sunday and saying she loved me, and i told her to look at me say she didnt want me anymore (mainly to help me realise its over) and she wouldnt say it and couldnt say it. So is it worth talking to her say wed night (we need to talk about closing our joint account, bills and stuff like that anyway) or just moving my stuff out and hope she really misses me and realises what we had on her own?

Or any general ideas about what i should do would be great. I just really need to talk to someone about this because its on my mind all the time at the minute.

[Gigabitch]

Only you can determine whether or not it's worth it to pursue this relationship. I think the low sex drive is a pretty bad sign, unless there's some easy-to-spot reason for it, like a different birth control pill dosage or something.

She doesn't want to settle. What are your thoughts on settling? Clearly, this relationship is not without it's problems.

Is it worth it?

[thefeature]

I have to say your right about its not without problems. Its just that even though we have had problems before and some bad ones if im honest we have still come through them and become stronger and even more in love.

There isnt any easy to spot reason with her sex drive but we have both gone through stages before where it has dropped off slightly so thought it might be fixable?

I wouldnt say we are settling because we both get on so well and she does brighten each day im with her. Plus obviously i still very much love her and cant imagine me being without her especially after living with her. I mean we were hinting at engagement in Feb even though we never properly talked about it. I think its because we have so much history and its hard (for her esp) to forget some stuff.

I really wonder whether I should tell her again how i feel to see if there is any chance. Like I move out and we date or something? She said one of her friends did this and they are really happy again now. Or whether to just get my stuff and hope she realises what we had on her own?

Do you think it would just drive her away by me trying to get her to work through this with me and telling her I love her still and miss her?

[Gigabitch]

I really wonder whether I should tell her again how i feel to see if there is any chance. Like I move out and we date or something? She said one of her friends did this and they are really happy again now.

I like that idea. It's creative.

Do you think it would just drive her away by me trying to get her to work through this with me and telling her I love her still and miss her?

No- I think you should tell her. I think it's important stuff.

[thefeature]

So I have got to get the rest my stuff tommorow (Thurs) and it will be final, I would have moved out. Does anyone think I should go round today (wed) to speak to her before all that happens tommorow?

Its just that everyone will be with me tomo helping and so I wont get to say what I would like to say to her whilst they are there. Plus once all my stuff is out it might be easier for her to just forget about anything we had.

There are practical reasons as well for me talking to her though. Because if i do move my stuff out thurs we need to divide who has what and sort out how we are going to close our joint account and stuff like that. But that could be done any day after i suppose.

All my friends and family are saying dont beg and play hard to get and dont talk to her etc. before thurs but its not that easy for me to do that and hope that she changes her mind. At least if I go round tonight I can just say "are you completely sure this is what you want." now she has had a few days to think about it, and then suggest maybe I could still move out but we could date and take it slow and just try to work through things to see if there really isn't any feelings there anymore.

If she still doesnt want to do this then I can just say that we need to talk about dividing everything etc. and then just move my stuff out tomo.

Can anyone give me some reasonable logic as to whether they think i should talk to her tonight or not. I really have no idea of what is best but at least if I have asked then I can try to get over her knowing I did everything possible I guess. I just dont want to do something that looks desperate when I have already suggested a lot of things to help us and she has rejected them. Because obviously im going to make bad decisions on my own because i love her so much.

Any ideas? PLEASE i would really appreciate them asap because this is a big decision!!

[vashti]

If it would make you happy to ask again, then go ahead, but honestly I don't think it looks like it will do you any good. I think once you are gone, you definitely need to stop begging so you can salvage some of your dignity.

Sorry, my friend. Break ups are tough.

[thefeature]

dont worry about this anymore. I did ask but its done she has made her mind up and wont change it no matter what i say. Now the getting over process. This is gonna be so hard. I have deleted her out my phone, emails etc and will leave all my photos at our house tomo. That should make it easier this time and i wont chase after her as much as i want to. I gave it my best shot this time and it wasnt enough so it will never be enough for her.

thanks for those that gave advice i appreciate it...

[vashti]

One last piece of advice: save a photo or two of her. In 20 years you will be able to look back at the photo as a reminder of this time in YOUR life. Just put the photo away somewhere in the top of a closet or something so you won't be looking at it...