need help

[Outwitted]

I know this is long so bear with me.

Am I being too honest with my husband? I discuss or attempt to discuss matter and issue with him. Well, like gossiping. I tell him what my mother told me what she thinks of him. I’m trying to start a conversation with him, but he seems to get angry at me and says think like “why are you even listening to what they are telling you about me. It’s your life you don’t have to listen to them. You shouldn’t believe in what they say.” He seems to be missing the point that I am trying to have a conversation with him. He is an arrogant, spoil, and conceit guy. He lacks communication skill. He’s all talk and no listening. I wish he would listen to me for a change. I tried and tried but it doesn’t seem to help. I told him if I can’t talk to him then we need a third person help. I tried talking him into counseling, but I think he is too embarrass or he is too proud to admit that what he is doing is unfair and wrong toward me. I think he knows what he is doing but won’t admit to it. Pride is one thing, but his is making him stupid and he look like an idiot. It’s all about him.

I’m the kind of person who listens to reasons. With him it’s only what he wants to hear. Our other problem is responsibilities. I know what being responsible is. My husband was spoil by his father rotten. His parent separated and he stayed with his father. His father didn’t know how to raise him so material things make up for what he lack as a parent. Now that he is grown and now have responsibilities of his own he don’t know how to handle it. His mother never really cares for him. She chooses drugs and partying over him. I think he knows this but he doesn’t want to admit the pain of her not really caring for him. I feel like I am mothering him.

The point is we’re in this marriage and when there is a problem he wants to get out of it, out of the relationship. I am always the one trying to hold on, while he wants to drop and fly away. He knows that he can’t do that and he is full of guilt, but he don’t want to feel guilt. So, he tries to make me feel sorry for him. I think it is stupid because he’s the one bailing out while I am the one being responsible and paying for his actions. He gave me his words and his vow but when he is face with a problem he runs. Actions are louder than words. He don’t understand that his word to me now mean nothing because I can’t trust his actions.

He doesn’t want to know how I feel because he knows that he is hurting me. He don’t want to know so that he can walk away without guilt. He’s an asshole, but I love an asshole.

I don’t want my marriage to be in ruin. I love him. It’s hard for me to let him go because he makes me believe that he will always be there for me. I have more to lose then he does. He knows what he’s doing is wrong and he’s feeling the guilt. So he wants me to feel sorry for him. I can’t feel sorry for him when I am the one he is hurting. He got no logic.

I treat him like a king. His ex treated him like crap. I think what I need to do is treat him like crap. I think he like being treated like crap. He was always an object to his parents and now that I am treating him like a person he don’t know what to do. He wants to be treated like an object.

What should I do to get through to him?

[NeoSeminole]

It sounds to me like he feels he's constantly under attack from you. Even your post is one long tirade about what you hate about him. If you want him to open up to you, then try to understand where he is coming from. Ask him to write a list of all the things he doesn't like about you. He might be more receptive to your feelings if you consider his needs.

[Khazard]

You need to make your feelings known, this Guy is treating you like Shit and you deserve so much better than that.

When he is watching TV or something stand infront turn it off and demand that you need to talk.

You are feeling unloved and being treated like a doormat like you are his babysitter.

He is acting like a spoilt child always getting his own way when you have needs too.

Either he agrees to change or you need to find yourself a guy who will treat you right.

[Outwitted]

I don’t understand. How am I attacking him? NeoSeminole, I tried your advice before. I tried writing things down. I tried expressing my feeling in letters since he doesn’t want to listen when I talk. His excuses are “I don’t like to read. I need something do. I can’t stay still and listen.” Maybe I am attacking him because I don’t know what else to do and I feel frustrated. I asked him what is wrong and what I need to do to fix the problem. He answered back, “I don’t know. You are doing nothing wrong. I can’t help with what I like.” I don’t understand. What does he like? I asked. No answer. I’m trying to help him but he won’t help me. I agree with you when you said I sound like I am being tirade. Being tirade to him about him is the only thing I haven’t done.

Khazard, you are right when you said I need to make my feelings known. That’s what I need help with. He is treating me like shit but in an indirect way. He is basically neglecting me mentally. He does treat me good on the out side. He’s polite and gentle. When I am with him I am happy. He is not treating me like he should. All I want from him is a little attention and he won’t give me that. I suppose he knows that and he feel guilt because I am waiting when he have time. I feel I am only second to him. Maybe he does feel like I am attacking him. Maybe he feels guilty when he is doing his thing and I am lying on the bed reading and waiting for him to finish. He want me to keep myself entertain because he don’t want to. But he can’t stand it when I read book instead of playing video game. I want his attention but I am not demanding it from him when he said “no.” I can find other thing to do when he said no. His problem is he feels too much guilt and he can’t let’s himself go. He won’t let me relax and lie down when he is playing video game. He wants me to be playing video game just like him. I think he feel this way because if I do play game like him then it will lessen his guilt of not paying attention to me.

I think I know what the problem is. He is afraid to face the problem and want to run. I am attacking him head on. Perhaps, I should cool off a bit. The hard part is getting him away from the computer and listens to what I have to say. How do I deal with a spoil child?

Leaving him and find other is not an option for now because things can still be fix, I believe.

[vashti]

Why are you trying to gossip with your husband? That is what your girlfriends are for. Unless your mother is saying nice things about him, I think you should keep her comments to yourself. Why would you want to pit the two of them against each other?

[King Zarathu]

Like...omg...omfg... ugh.. omg w/e fine..

[Outwitted]

Why are you trying to gossip with your husband? That is what your girlfriends are for. Unless your mother is saying nice things about him, I think you should keep he comments to yourself. Why would you want to pit the two of them against each other?

that make sense. You got a good point. I do keep the comments to myself but most of those comments are not negative about him. It more about me. My mom is a nagative kind of person. she is always nagative about my marriage. My mom is always telling me that my husband is like every other guy and one day he is going to leave me and that i have to be careful. Well, i defended my husband. I guess i wanted him to know that i defended him, but he said that i am not doiong enought to show him my love.

[Outwitted]

Like...omg...omfg... ugh.. omg w/e fine..

It’s good to be positive don't you think?

[King Zarathu]

It’s good to be positive don't you think?

_____________

[Gigabitch]

Outwitted, what attracted him to you in the first place? You must have had some kind of connection, or you wouldn't be together now, would you?

Also, I want to ask if your expectations have changed since you got married. Is he the same guy he was before, and you just want more now?