feelings for my ex.

[rachy]

just over 2 years ago i had a very intense emotional relationship with a guy called paul. it wasnt particularly physical (we only ever kissed 2 or 3 times in the year that we knew each other) but our friendship was incredibly strong. we were both quite self destructive at the time and relied on each other heavily for support.
then out of nowhere he dissappeared. compleatly. he stayed in touch with his parents occasionally but wouldnt speak to anyone else and refused to discolse where he was. he cited me as one of his reasons for leaving and said he couldnt see me anymore, ever.

after he went i fell apart. became a compleate mess. i eventually managed to persuade myself to put him out of my mind. i had to move on or go mad. i started seeing a new guy who is wonderful and supportive. he knows all about my past and helped me a huge amount. he loves me and i thought i loved him. all thoughts of paul were not out of my head but suitably sqashed and i really believed that i had moved on.

unfortunately i saw him in a nightclub last weekend. just seeing him from a distance (he didnt see me at first) was enough to make me 1. fall over and 2. run to the toilet and throw up. i was terrified. i managed to compose myself and decided to speak to him. this may not have been the best idea in the world but i felt that id be in an even worse mess if id missed the opportunity to see how he was. and that it would be an opportunity to close the book with a happier ending than the previos one. and when i left the club that night i felt like i had achieved this.

but in the days following all the feelings i had have returned. im thinking about him constantly and my feelings towards my boyfriend are suddenly questionalble. i had built my new life on the presumtion i would never see paul again and now that has happened i dont know where i am anymore.

before i left the club that night he pushed his email address into my hand. and although i know it could mess me up more to contact him, its the only thing in my head. i desperatly want to speak to him, to know why he left, just to be around him.

i dont know if i should ignore this and carry on as i did before, or if i should face it and try and reslove things once and for all. i feel sick with confusion.

[King Zarathu]

Carry on. You said these things yourself:

we were both quite self destructive at the time and relied on each other heavily for support.
then out of nowhere he dissappeared.

and although i know it could mess me up more to contact him

Don't do it. He is your past, and you needed him to create an identity for yourself. Talking to him for anything other than maybe a closure that you feel is absolutely necessary will only hurt you more. How old are all of you?

[vashti]

I can't imagine what is so great about him that it would override your (justifiable) anger at his sudden disappearance, and I don't know why you would jeopardize anything with the new guy who is willing to stand by your side for someone who behaves so selfishly.

I think you should allow your head to overrule your heart, and don't ever mention this to your current boyfriend. While it is only natural you would think of this guy again since you ran into him, he will fade from your memory if you don't pursue contact.

[rachy]

i am 21 (i was 18 when i was with him). hes 30 (so 27 when we were together). my new boyfriend has just turned 27(i have always dated and hung out with older people. many of my friends are in theire late 20's)

i was incredibly angry when he left but (being so young) i know i did not appreciate what i had with him while we were together. i had treated him badly and as such i blamed myself when he left rather than him.

one of the biggest questions playing on my mind is that if he can screw me up this succesfully after only seeing him for half an hour, im obviously not over him. does this mean that i dont love my current boyfriend as much as i thought i did? we had been making plans for the future but now i dont know if i even want him. is this a natural response? will me feelings for him come back as the memory of paul fades again? and if i allow the feelings for paul interfere with this relationship, will they interfere with every realtionship from here on?

[vashti]

I don't know if you love the new guy or not, but I think questioning ANY relationship at the age of 21 is normal. You are too young to be planning for a future with ANY guy because you are still growing into the person you will be as an adult. The early 20s are a time of enormous personal growth, which will be stunted by tying yourself down too soon.

[rachy]

you are still growing into the person you will be as an adult. The early 20s are a time of enormous personal growth, which will be stunted by tying yourself down too soon.

i 100% agree with this, which is why when he asked me to marry him i declined ("no but ask me again in a few years")

what bothers me is that if i allow paul to be the reason we break up will it come back to haunt me? and if i break up with him now its going to make me want to see paul even more....and yes, im aware that not a good reason for staying with someone, but im terified of becoming a victim of this. for the last year or so ive been very in control of my feelings and emotions and now i feel they've escaped me.

[King Zarathu]

In my opinion, you should cut relationships for a while because you're using their identities to make them a part of who you are, something that is rather unhealthy.

[Gigabitch]

Jesus, Rachy. What a mess. I've got one of these too. I've often wondered what would happen if I were to see him again, but thankfully, I haven't.

I think you should stop thinking of Paul as some kind of regular ex-boyfriend and more like the poster child for your screwed up past. It's not just Paul you're so tied to- it's your whole self-destructive, ****ed-up history. You're probably the same for him. This precludes any kind of relationship between you two that wouldn't be 90% about the past.

Paul should have nothing to do with your current relationship, and you shouldn't let him threaten it, either, unless you're just looking for an excuse to ditch your current boyfriend.

Don't do anything rash until you get some perspective. Of course the Power of the Dark Side is overshadowing your nice, normal life. Just see it for what it is.

I can't imagine what the hell Paul was doing by handing you his e-mail address. It kind of sounds like he was messing with you. I'm sure the curiosity is killing you, but IMO, you should crumple up that little piece of paper and throw it away.

[King Zarathu]

:O Giga's in the house!

[rachy]

In my opinion, you should cut relationships for a while because you're using their identities to make them a part of who you are, something that is rather unhealthy.

this is something id considered...i went from a fundamentalist christianity background , did a 360 and ended up heavily reliant on various different drugs/alcohol. i went from there to paul and then from paul to my current.

although i did feel like i have managed to be confident in myself and who i am separate from anyone else i think the fact that this has shaken me so much implys that im not quite as steady as id hoped. unfortunately i saw a friend of mine break up with her man to "find herself" and all she really found was that she missed him terribly and wanted him back! but the it was too late..blahblahblah. i dont really want to make the same mistake. however its definately something i will be thinking about a great deal.

gigabitch- i think he gave me his email because in the course of our conversation that evening it was incredibly clear that our spark was as present as it ever was. within minutes we were talking like we'd never been apart. he doesnt seem to have moved on much since the last time we spoke and he also made a point of telling me he's still single.

[King Zarathu]

Of course you want him back. It's only natural. But you need to realize that giving into your extincts might feel good for the time being, but eventually it will kill you.

[Gigabitch]

email because in the course of our conversation that evening it was incredibly clear that our spark was as present as it ever was. within minutes we were talking like we'd never been apart. he doesnt seem to have moved on much since the last time we spoke and he also made a point of telling me he's still single.

He sounds like bad news to me. That spark could become an inferno.

[rachy]

its good to hear an unbiased perspective. still not feeling much better about the whole situation but at least my head is a bit straighter now.
thanks