I have been with my amazing girlfriend for 2 years and 2 months. On our 2 year anniversary I gave her a promise ring to show her my commitment and love for and to her. We had a great balance in our relationship, we never fought EVER and always had fun. We always made each other laugh and always came to agreements on contrasting opinions. We did actually fight once but it was only cause we were both drunk and since then we thought better of it.
Well here is my situation. A few weeks ago I noticed something was wrong with her. She was acting a little strange. We went to a dance and while we were dancing I noticed it seemed like it was bothering her to dance with me. She said she felt sick. So later on that night I asked her what was wrong and I know something is up. She told me she didn't know how she felt about me anymore. She didn't know if she liked me as a friend or a boyfriend. It hit really hard, and I didn't expect it at all. I was completely happy and satisfied and in very passionate love with her still after all this time. I broke down after she told me how she wasn't sure anymore. After that i told her I hoped that she wouldn't give up just yet, and to keep fighting because I know she loves me, or atleast did! The things we have felt together and experienced was too intimate to just fade away out of no where like this. Well time went on and she said none of her feeling has changed and she still has no idea what she wants. But she said it felt like a burden to be with me and it made her sick to be with me because she felt like everything she did and said was all a lie. She did not want to lie to me at all and it hurt her to "act". So eventually we both decided to seriously end this and move on.
After we broke up I went back a couple times to return certain things to her that I had at my place. It was really hard. The last time I went I almost lost my mind. I just lashed out and kissed her passionately and we both sat down to talk. We talked for a while and the situation remained the same. I told her there was no way possible I could move on.... I just can't because I love you way to much. The only way I can move on is if you honestly tell me you want me to move on.
She said: "Zach I.. I don't love you like that anymore.....I think you should move on..."
I knew I shouldn't of kissed her.
Previously that day I had written down a whole bunch of questions that I really needed truthfully answered before I could move on. Before I left i asked her all of them.
One being: "Can you right now be a friend with me and not be bothered by it at all?!"
She said: "Yes"
The fact that she wasn't in any pain throughout this whole breakup was one of the hardest things to swallow. I was in all this pain alone.
She said: "But I would always want to kiss you Zach. It just feels right to kiss you. Your the only friend that I could kiss and it not feel weird."
I am completely confused......
I also noticed right then that she was wearing my Promise ring that she had previously taken off.
I asked her why she was wearing that if she doesn't Love me like that anymore.
She said: "Because I'm not over you yet... and it reminds me of you and I like thinking about you."
I am completely confused again..
How can she be in no pain through all of this and still not be over me? And if she isnt over me!!! That means she still has SOME feelings for me! And WHY would it feel right to kiss me if she doesn't love me like that anymore!?
I have been in so much pain and agony because of all of what is going on in my life right now.
This is the end. Right before I left I told her that this would be the last time I came over to talk to her, because I had gone over a few times since we broke up and I don't want to feel like a stalker.
I said: "I won't be back.."
Right then I handed her a letter.. She grabbed it and before I let go of it I looked her right in the eyes and said.."Promise me Ann.. promise me right now that you will NEVER ever open this letter - if or until the day that you love me back with all your heart and soul as I do to you right now!" She promised.
The letter said: " I still and always will love you. I've been waiting for you."
I simply said goodbye with my eyes..I said nothing.
Then I turned around and said have a good life, and walked away.
As I walked away she said quietly - "I love you" (but she already had been saying I love you to me but she meant as a friend would say it. Which made me hurt more)
I walked out the door, and now a week later I am still in terrible shape and still wonder if I did the right thing.
My guess is that either she has fallen for another guy or she simply wants to live the single life because she is only 17. (Parties and Drugs/Alcohol and Crazy friends. Lets not forget flirting and dating and ****ing.)
I asked her if I had scared her at all and she told me she honestly wasn't scared of commitment or anything. The ring was fine and all was good. She says she simply lost her feeling for me......but I just can't accept that..
Also, when we first broke up she made me promise that I would call her when I was over her and we would be friends again cause "she can't loose me". She made sure to remind me of it right before the last time I saw her.
11:39:34 am - October 30, 2006
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Here I am 17 days later and still in terrible shape. Its now November 15.
I just got back from her house... I went back... I had to..
I ignored my feelings and now I'm all ****ed up again...
I saw her face and heard her voice...
13 days ago I wrote in a letter exactly what I felt. I never planned on giving it to her. I knew If I gave it to her I would stir up all these feelings again and I don't think I can handle them again...... But there were some things I had to tell her and she had the right to know...
I the last time i saw her in the last post I gave her my journal. In this journal I wrote all my feelings knowing I would give it to her someday. And I did. She also told me that she was thinking about writing in it and when all this was over with she would give it back to me.
Well I also felt like I couldn't handle not telling her exactly how i felt. So I did. I went to her house for the very last time... I gave her the letters I had written that she wasnt ever supposed to read... The main point in the letter was that I can't ever forgive her for something...
First you must understand me, I am a very moral person and I believe in myself and what I stand for. I believe in true love and I am always longing it. I was saving myself for the one person I would be with and love forever. Classic Right?
In the midst of our relationship she was ready to give herself to me. I wasn't. I wasn't ready to give my whole heart over to her. I couldn't, it had already been broken terribly once before. It took me so long to fully trust her. After months of feeling and thinking, I eventually allowed my heart to completely trust her and everything she is. I engulfed myself in her love entirely. I gave her my virginity finally after doubting giving myself to her. She gave hers to me.
And now she left me.. my ****ING HEART IS TORN OUT!!!! Why the **** did I trust her!? I'll never have that again... Its gone forever.. My letter told her I can't forgive her... I may be able to be around her someday and my heart will surely mend but deep.. deep down in my heart I'll never be able to let that go. We can never be friends again. Never.
My letter also says.. "I hope this is the last promise I'll ever break to you."
She thought that I was going to call her and I could be friends with her eventually.
And thats why I had to go back, I had to tell her that I am gone forever. And here I am telling my pathetic story for no reason besides to get it out. My near future again expect ridiculous crippling pain like the last time I saw her. I need help right now, because I don't know If I can make it throught this.. My Life is shattered and It has been over a month since we broke up... Im so depleted... everything is getting cold..
This is my tragedy. This is not clearly written but I can't think and I am not ok.
..........