Is he using me to "get back in the saddle" ?

[lin]

I go to see a lot of live music and there is a guy that I always see at the same shows as me ( even in different cities ) . I've always found him attractive plus there's the added thing that I know that he likes the same sort of things as me and we share some of the same friends ( without actually knowing each other ).

A couple of months ago I went to a show at a small venue on my own . He was there . I spoke to him briefly at the bar about a festival we had both been to in the summer . He seemed happy to chat but I sort of bottled out and said my goodbyes and went home without taking it any further .

On my way home I got to thinking .. Why didn't I just pluck up the courage and ask him for a drink ? I had missed my chance again . I don't often meet men that I have a lot in common with . I should just take my chances when they come along and just act cool if I get turned down . After all , I should think that it's a lot of men's dream to be asked out by a woman (?)

When I got home I put the computer on and checked e mails , myspace etc . Then I did something quite reckless/brave whatever .. I went to a mutual friends myspace page and found the guy's myspace page amongst his friends . I sent him a message asking if he wanted to meet for a drink sometime .

I didn't get a reply for a couple of days . Then I got an answer . He was flattered to be asked but he didn't feel up to going out with any woman at the moment as his dad is terminally ill and hasn't got a lot of time left . Plus he has been off work with depression . I sent a message back saying how sorry I felt for his situation and to make sure that if we saw each other again to say hi . I left it at that .

A couple of months has passed since then . I have seen him a couple of times at gigs and we've nodded recognition across the room but that's all .

Yesterday I put my computer on and had a new message . I was surprised (very) to see that it was from him . The message just basically said that he had been to a local gig the night before and had looked out for me . ( I was going to go but was feeling a bit low and not like going on my own again ).
Obviously I was surprised and curious to know why he had suddenly done this so I went to his myspace page and checked out his blog ( he uses it as a sort of online diary ). I thought I'd check for clues ..

In his latest blog he said that he felt better than he had for a long time and had enjoyed Christmas for the first time in years . He mentioned that he had been out with friends and had actually taken an interest in women . He said that he had seen one in particular who he was very attracted to but he couldn't bring himself to speak to her , never mind ask her out . From his description she sounded pretty hot lol .

So I'll get to the actual point now ...

I think that he has been out at Christmas and has found himself unable to speak to women that he fancies . I think that he has decided to get back in touch with me as a way of " getting back in the saddle " ie if he has no courage to ask women out .. the safest thing to do is ask someone who has already shown an interest .

He hasn't asked me out yet . I got the impression that he is just testing the water to see what my reaction is .

What do you think I should do ? So far I have sent a friendly message back and just added a bit at the end saying that it was nice ( but obviously surprising ) to hear from him .
I have alarm bells ringing . Friends of mine are always telling me to "get back in the saddle " by going out with the first man who asks .. or any man who I already know likes me . I've never done it . It is just a nasty thing to do to someone .

Perhaps I should see what his next message brings . Perhaps he'll explain himself .
His blogs are very frank about his depression and his father's illness , perhaps I should be just as frank and ask him ?

[Ellynn]

First off, how do you know if its not YOU he is talking about in his blog? (that one girl he had his eye on?)
It could very well be, but when you asked him out for a drink before, the timing was bad. I know from personal experience how rough dating can be when you have a lot going on in your personal life (parents being ill etc). So maybe now he is ready to get back out there because things have calmed down a bit.
I know your friends enourage you to just go out with random people just to "get back in the saddle" but honestly do you? I mean why would you date someone you have no interest in whatsoever? Do you honestly think he would? I think he's interested and if anything, you should give it a chance with him. Don't feel bad because he rejected you before. It, more then likely, had nothing to do with how he felt about you.

I mean he was looking out for you at a gig, and even told you. So, obviously he does notice you. So why don't you message him back and ask him "so how about going for that drink?"

He definately is testing for a reaction from you. I mean a couple of months have passed and for all he knows, you moved on. So, at least let him know you are still interested in getting that drink.

[Gigabitch]

Lin, how do you really feel about this guy- is it just an interest, like you make it sound, or do you have a mad crush on him? I think if it's just a casual attraction, this may be a wonderful opportunity for you to teach yourself how to date again without jumping into serious emotional bondage. It would have a built-in limitation and you would be forced to manage your expectations. I think it's a brilliant idea to casually date this guy who clearly won't be put out at all by doing the things you like to do.

And the other side is this: if it all goes straight to hell, you'll have to face him at shows from now to forever, sometimes by yourself, and he might be there with someone else, maybe the someone you gave him the confidence to pursue.

I'd be careful with this. I think you should tell him you looked at his blog. I think the more that's out there on the table, the more you have to work with.

I wish you didn't live on the other side of the planet, Lin. I'd go to shows with you and set you up with my boyfriend's roommate.

[lin]

I know he wasn't talking about me in the blog , he described her hair and stuff .. nothing like me .
Yes I am attracted to him , He's been around for years and I've always noticed him but in the way you notice people when you're in a relationship.
I didn't feel bad about him turning me down because it was perfectly understandable and he was so nice about how he did it .

I had another message yesterday . He said that he had looked out for me at a few shows lately and hadn't seen me . He had expected to see me at one particular show ( the one I didn't go to because I didn't want to stand on my own ) He said that when I wasn't there he decided to drop me a line and say hi .
He said that he appreciated how difficult it must have been for me to speak to him and to make contact with him afterwards .

So really .. I'm still not much clearer about anything . Perhaps he wants to ask me out .. perhaps his inability to speak to the woman at Christmas has just made him realise what a brave girly I was to speak to him in the first place .

There's been a new blog , his dad has been rushed back into hospital .
I've sent a message wishing his family well and saying that I'm glad that he contacted me and that I will feel a lot more comfortable speaking to him when I see him again . It seems completely inappropriate to say anything else .