Hello. My name is Laura and my story is long although I'll try to make it as short as possible. It all started 8 years ago. I met and fell in love with a man who I thought was perfect for me. It took a while for him to fall in love with me, but he had no problem having sex all the time. His love came later and we remained together (not living together - he had his own place and I have my own home where I raised my now 2 adult children). We were together for almost for years and even planned on getting married someday. Everything was great at first. We had so much in common, etc. Forgot to mention that he had been married 3 times prior and had several failed relationships inbetween marriages. Well, towards the end of the 4 year relationship, he began to act different - not wanting to come around as much, lying, etc. He started asking to borrow money b/c he said he had back child support money to pay and that he couldn't make his rent or car note, etc. I believed him and started loaning him money for those things. Well, something just didn't strike me right, so I called his second ex-wife (the one that had two children with him - the others I didn't know). His second ex and I became friends over the years because when he had his boys for the weekend, we would all do activities and have a great time and I kept in touch with her when one or both were sick and needed meds, etc. So, when his behavior started to change, I called her to see if he was really using the money to pay her the back child support. I learned he hadn't paid her a dime. I had a key to his apartment, but I never used it unless he was there and I would let myself in if he was taking a shower, etc. So when I found out he was lying to me about the money issues, I decided to go look through his apartment. I discovered that he had been using cocaine and that he had been seeing another girl - a girl nearly 20 years younger. Anyway, I gathered the evidence and waited for him to come home. I confronted him and told him that we could work this out and get him professional help, but he refused said he would rather break off our relationship and that's what happened. I begged and pleaded and nothing. I finally gave up on begging and pleading b/c he said that I had no self-respect and that shook me up a bit and he was right so I stopped. We didn't speak to eachother for almost a year and I was on my way to a full recovery after having felt utter pain b/c I truly loved him. Well, after about a year, he called me one day and said he had learned his lesson, but not before loosing his job, car, apartment, everything. I told him that it took me a long time to get over him (I really wasn't over him) and that we could be friends. That was almost 4 years ago (a total of 8 years now since we met). We continued to be friends (sometimes with benefits - big mistake) and I thought someday, if he was really off drugs, that we could work it out somehow. My children got older 20 and 24 and where out of the house and he came to stay for a very short time b/c his I could not handle his temper and his constant lies....I asked him to leave and he did. He has been leaving with a co-worker and his family. We still remained friends, but both hopeful I thought of someday getting back together (how stupid was I?). Getting to now, I was helping him look for an apartment and on Friday on my way home from I saw some for rent signs and wrote down the numbers. I called him and told him and he said he was busy and would call me back for the numbers. Well,didn't call that night, so on Sat. I called him and no answer. Sunday I called him and no answer. Monday morning I got a text message from him telling me that he was seeing someone and that he couldn't answer to phone. That she lived 2 hours away and he had been there all weekend. I called him and asked why he hadn't mentioned it before and he said he had just met her on NYE and was already in love with her. He is now 43 and she is 35 with two children. I asked him why it took him so long to fall in love with me, but in only 8 days he was already in love with her......I don't believe him about the time he's been seeing her. But I was hurt all over again...didn't think I would be, but I was. I asked him to please reconsider and that maybe he and I could work out and he said no and that he loved her. I called his ex-wife (since we remained friends) and she told me that there are two others not just one. One even younger than the other that he put up in a hotel for 2 weeks with her 3 year old daughter and he didn't even buy his own children x-mas presents and spent his money on her and her baby instead and this isn't even the one he tells me he's in love with. I suspect that he is still a drug user since he stopped on his own (yeah, right) and he has always lied.....so knowing all of this, why do I still love him and why am I hurting so much and why do I want to know what these girls look like, etc. I don't understand my feelings. I've been crying and crying and I have bigger problems than him and yet, I'm focusing on his once again rejection of me. Someone please help me understand what I am going through b/c I don't understand why I cannot let this man go.