Same Issue, New Poster

[Ath]

I called him tonight. I had to know. He told me that he didn't sleep with her. I believe him, but I'm not sure if its because that's what I wanted to hear or it's the truth, but he truly sounded sincere. Either way, I feel better in way. At least that gives me hope that things can potentially work out someday. Or maybe it's a false hope, but it lifted me a little.

I'm not new at being in-love, but her leaving me is/was my first real crisis in life. I'm becoming that person she wanted, as I'm being tossed away. I don't know much about love I guess. I was always raised to believe that if there's real love there, you can work through anything. I guess time will tell, sooner or later, time will tell.

[Tigger_]

Just read every post on this thread. I feel for you Ath. Its quite sad. i didnt really believe that anyone could become so addicted to a computer game..

give yourself time, don't think about it too much (although thats quite hard)... occupy urself with something (other than that stupid game)..

best of luck..

what was her kid's status with you? did he like you, how did he treat you?

[Ath]

Trust me.. I'll never let myself ever get that immersed in any hobby ever again. And as for that game, I'm not touching it at all. Haven't since before the OP.

The child's status, she loved me, and it was returned, but I didn't spend enough time with her either due to the same reasons.

I've made many mistakes, but we were truly happy up until I let that thing take over my life. I've been a casual gamer all my life. But in all honestly, WoW was far to much for me. I couldn't stop. I miss the days of console gaming where I wasn't a slave to it. But in the interest of saving the one thing that truly matters to me, I've given up all videogames. I don't know what's the right thing to do.

As for addiction, it's relative to the user I guess. I know people who play a healthy amount, and on the other end, I know people who lost wives, family's, jobs, etc. Never thought I had an addiction. Blind I guess. But at least this one is easy to break.

I'm glad to answer any questions you have Tigger. Thanks for replying.

-Ath

[Tigger_]

no problem Ath, we all come here for some form of support in our lives... and like you, im also grateful to LF...

i guess you can only wait and see how things turn out, hopefully it'll work out for the best... its hard right now and u can use us as ur punching bag anytime u want...

[Ath]

It's right now.. that I truly miss her the most

God she's so confusing! She told me before she left that she realised she still loved me a little. And how this is really hard for her. She tells me she has feelings for another guy. She lied to me about so many things. And she's gone now. She truly believed that I fell out of love with her this past year. My apartment is empty. I stopped by tonight. I can't even bear to stand in there let alone live there.

I don't know if she needs space, or if I'm holding on to my hope in vain.

Hell, I'm probably annoying the crap out of everyone with my continuous posting. But the fact is, I don't really have anywhere else to turn. Some people I considered friends I found not to be. Other friends from the past are either still doing the things that I don't care to be part of anymore or are long gone with time.

I've lost 8 lbs as of today because I can't eat, and I don't have a whole lot to spare. Sleeping is a nightmare. Even when I'm dead tired, I lay there for hours and hours with thoughts of her that will not leave. I cried for the first time since childhood the night she told me she was leaving. It was a new experience. I can't even do that now. I'm trying even as I write this.

This was not my first relationship. It was my first and only real one that was over 3 months. Is this how they work? Can real love be killed without intent?
What is love anyways? I've never believed in conditional love. I'm sitting here looking at my puppy and all I can think is, damn, this is one creature who truly loves without condition - and I admire that so much. To me it's representative of what real love is supposed to be.

I heard a cheesy quote recently on TV. A character asked how does one know if they truly love someone. The reply was "You think to yourself what is the absolute worst possible thing the one you love can do to you... and then you ask yourself if you would still love them." Cliche'? Probably, but it sounded nice.

I apologize for writing so much. but this is my only outlet at the moment. And everyone's been a real support so far. I just feel dead.. like I died, and the body just moves on its own.. and I've never been this way.

Goodnight to all.

-Ath

[Ath]

I'm not suicidal. But I found myself today without fear of anything. I feel like I've been through Hell and there's miles to go. I've learned more about the human condition in the past 3 weeks than I have in my lifetime.

Gigabitch, you gave sound advice about trying to make my life into what I imagined where she is the only thing missing. My only problem with that is she was the only thing that mattered in my life, I just didn't see that.

It seems as if my thread is dead, and perhaps thats for the best.
My hopes and dreams, and kind said things, are laid upon her crest.
My heart still pumps, there's life inside, however small that nest.
I've lived and loved, been shot and drugged, all else is laid to rest.

(sorry, that was my first attempt (ever) at anything resembling a poem)

[Junket]

Damn, this place is getting too sentimental...

[TheKissPolice]

Ath everything is gonna be ok,try to frequent this board, it will really help,this made me realize that i am not alone.i have come to expect that all women are ambivalent and confusing and i guess thats how they all are,try to alot your time to things that you wanna do but you cant when she was with you,my girl that i told you about wants to talk to me and she wants to try and fix things up,im not sure if i am ready and if i wanna go back to that dark place again.believe me,it is not gonna get worse than where we are now.

[Ath]

Thanks for the kind words again. I've never written anything more than I had to for Highschool, College, nor my job. Here, it freakin pours out like a floodgate.

My favorite catch phrase that I've used for years is "It could always be worse." But, you're right, this is the worst. And if it's true that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, then I'm becoming invincible.

[Gigabitch]

Okay, dude. First, you're not annoying everyone with your constant posting. That's what you're supposed to do. If someone doesn't want to read it, they don't have to.

Now, about addictions in general and games in particular: I strongly believe that this is a symptom and not the problem. Try to figure out why you didn't want to be present in the relationship. Look at your parents' behavior first- that's often helpful. Deal with this tendency before you get involved again. Vowing to never immerse yourself in a hobby again isn't enough. Hear me? It isn't enough. You have to find out why you did it in the first place and address that issue.

Finally, if she was the only thing that mattered in your life, you need to get some more going on for yourself. Read some books. Listen to music. Pay attention to the news. Go camping. Get a dog. Make yourself into a person who is so engaged in his own life that a computer game holds no appeal.

Oh, and I liked your poem.

[Ath]

Good points, I'll have to think on them. Thanks Giga.

[Ath]

I thought about it all day at work. And, you're right it being a symptom. I realize that it wsn't the game I was addicted to at all. It was the people in it. As good or bad as it sounds, I developed friends (although not close) from all over the world through it. I gave it my all. When I posted before that I wanted to be the best, I guess I should have thought that out a little more. When I said "the best," I meant that in two respects. The first was actual skill in playing. And the second was the best in terms of what I provided my friends there. If I didn't show up and bring my "A" game, the mission was lost, or sometimes never even made it off the ground. It gave me a sense of accomplishment that my job couldn't offer. I put so much of myself into being a dependable, highly skilled team-mate and leader that I forgot what was important in reality.

I was so enthralled in my psuedo accomplishment that I was oblivious to problems I was causing at home due to negligence. Worse than that, it took my drive to do anything else. I have a hard time even remembering what life was like before I started it, and I only played roughly a year. It kept me from being productive. My life was at a standstill, and I didn't notice.

The whole thing has been one hell of a shock to the system. It was never that I didn't want to be in the relationship, it was that the game offered something I hadn't had in a long time. I was so blissful in it that I forgot how the priority list was supposed to be. I had love from her, I knew that game wasn't going to be forever. I just took her for granted, because I had forgotten what it was like to be needed and relied upon. I truly love her, but I had a really crappy way of showing it sometimes.

So to address the issue of why, it comes down to I was trying to please myself and several other people from that online world. And I inadvertantly did that at the expense of the one who loved me.

We both made mistakes, and it can be argued that I made more or bigger ones. But I never claimed to be perfect, and I truly want to learn from them.

I have been reading books again lately, I've gotten back into political/news radio, and I have the most adorable puppy in the world. Haven't been camping in a long time so that one's nixed for now.

I've been studying for a broad range of different types of certification programs ranging from CompTIA's A+ to the National Association of Hypnotherapy (just for fun).

I want nothing more than to call her to see if she's ok. Probably a bad idea though huh?

[Ath]

I spoke at length with my grandmother tonight. That's something I haven't done in a long long time.

I used my laptop for the first time in three weeks as well. My girlfriend had her email account set up through the homepage on my browser. I've never been a snoop, hell we all need privacy right, but I couldn't help myself from looking since it was right there and auto signed in. Before she left me, she had signed her self up for one of those "Special" dating services. This one in particular was oriented to finding people for sex. Now I'm not a moron. I know all too well how spam works and the advertising aspects of adult sites. This was not an ad or a spam mail. It was several responses to sex adds she placed. Even some details of an account she set up.

I wish to high heaven I never saw that, but it needed to be seen. I've come to believe that I lived a lie for almost 5 years. She never truly loved me, at least not the way I loved her. I thought I knew her, but I guess 10 years isn't enough to be sure. All I wanted from her in life, was her love. For her to be there for me. To share experiences together. Did I make a mistake by losing sight of my priorities in life, you betcha! But did I deserve to be lied to, and cheated on, and tossed aside.. these are not the things one does to someone they truly love. If you truly love someone, you help them through a dark time, instead of calling all allies who do little more than act as a sounding board for the frustrations you have by focusing on only the negative.

I've spent a while now, lamenting all the things I've done wrong. And now, I'm thinking of all the things I did right. I am not garbage, and neither is she. She can go out there and have all the guys she wants. She can have all the education she wants, she can have any group of friends she wants, and any job she wants. But for better or worse, none of those things will be me. She told me what I felt would turn to hate. She was wrong. There's no hate in me. Only the burning that comes with realizing that the one I loved never truly loved me, if she did, there would have at least been respect.

Do I forgive her, yes. Could I ever trust her again, I don't know. I suppose I should be thankful, she gave me a jumpstart to get my life back in order.
Yes, I'm still in-love with her, but life's a calling, and I'm not wanted in hers.

Gribble, you were right. I feel like a better man already.

To all else, keep this thread alive. I welcome any questions or comments.

[Access]

I think what you need to ask yourself is two things:

1.) Was your girlfriend obsessed with sex?
2.) Was the email account secure?

If neither is true, then perhaps you are jumping to conclusions on exactly what it was that she was looking for.

[Ath]

I don't think she was obsessed with it. Although, I realize now how infrequent it was during the last year, and it makes me sad to know I put her through that.

The email account I can only assume is secure. But it wasn't just ads that I saw. It was account information for these services, a set up account. Could I be wrong? Absolutely, and I truly hope I am. But I have nothing to the contrary.

I don't even know what to write anymore.

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