To tell or not to tell

[Frazzled]

Ok here's my dilemma.

About six years ago i started fall into depression and have had it for about six years. I am pulling myself together finally (and without the use of prescription drugs which i'm kind of proud of). I'm almost out of it completely (the general trend is upwards for the past couple of months).

My problem is this. Sometimes when i chat with my girlfriend we talk about things we did as teenagers - however i don't really have much to say since most of what i did back then was just try make through each day without harming myself and other ugly stuff like that.

Sometimes I think it'd make things easier for me if I shared this with her but at the same time i'm thinking that that would paint me as some pathetic loser who just can't deal with life - hey, in part it's true i guess. The thing is i can't every discuss things like this with my parents because they'd just rather pretend it never happened or get extremely emotional and just can't talk about it.

I have by and large resolved most of the issues that caused this but it'd be nice to know that at least one person could know the entire truth about me and still be there for me even at my worst.

I really don't know - does anyone have any experiences or useful advice on this

[Glyph]

There's no need for living in the past. If you're a different person now than you were then, then tell her that. Tell her you prefer to live in the present and look ahead to the future. Everyone's got painful memories; she can't fault you for not wanting to re-live yours.

[Gigabitch]

If you feel you want to talk about this stuff, you may not want to do it with someone you're emotionally invested in. It's a lot of weight to drop on her, and the fact is, she may not even "get it".

There are a lot of things I don't want to tell my bf about my past, especially my family, because I think that stuff would just haunt him when I have, by and large, let it go. Understand that letting her see the real you is not the same thing as cataloguing your past pain. She may not be able to differentiate between your past and your present, and it sounds like you're not out of the woods yet anyway. Don't risk messing yourself up.

If you can find a way to tell her a bit about it without opening the floodgates to determine whether or not she can handle it, you should. In the meantime, if you feel that you want to share stuff, you're anonymous here, and you can post anything you want.

[sam_123]

dude, "Gigabitch" (cool name by the way) is right she might not "get it" and to be honest your not out of the red yet, so she probably isnt the best person to tell at this moment. You must have some mates, you should probably start with telling them, it will help you make more sense out of it for yourself. 6 years dealing with this is along time, you shouldnt burst open the gates, you need to do it gradually!!! I have been there meself before, tried killing meself, didnt eat for a month, drunk excessively and smoked alot of cannabis, the worst month of me life the only difference is it was an ex who did it to me!!! Twice infact!! But i had mates who were there for me and helped to drag me back out!!! thats what they there for, and shockingly enough they can be more helpful thatn what you might think. so my advice to you is before telling your girlfriend, talk to mates, make some sense of it for yourself, not only will you then know what to say and how to deal with her reaction, but you will find it a hell of alot easier to tell her. and if she freaks out, which she could you do need to explain that your a different person now, and that it is the past and that the present and future is you and her. it could be difficult for her to take in all at once so cut it down, and give her time to understand it!!! and it should be ok but take it easy give yourself time, but dont bottle it all up, because you will end up going back there!!!

Oh and dude there must be alot of people here that you can talk to, i know it not the same as telling your mates etc, but we can try and help you and we will

Sam

[JohnsonROd]

Don't tell her until you're completely over your depression... AND until you feel that your relationship with this girl is secure enough that she won't get all weirded out...

Remember you can't "untell" these things once they've been told.

Speak with a therapist instead... for now.

[Taryn]

There's no need for living in the past. If you're a different person now than you were then, then tell her that. Tell her you prefer to live in the present and look ahead to the future. Everyone's got painful memories; she can't fault you for not wanting to re-live yours.

True words there, i agree entirely. Everyone deserves a second change at life, and anyone not willing to allow that does not deserve one for themselves. Heed those words, and go with what you feel is right. If you think you're not ready to tell her, there's no need to rush it, wait awhile, see how things play out.

Hope that helped!

[Kristin258]

Ok first off: "I think it'd make things easier for me if I shared this with her but at the same time i'm thinking that that would paint me as some pathetic loser who just can't deal with life - hey, in part it's true i guess."

It is NOT true. I don't know you, yes, but depression does not make someone weak or a pathetic loser- especially since you're better without the use of antidepressants. Do you know how much that takes? The trend nowdays when people become depressed is simply to take medication. I'm not bashing those that do- I've been on Zoloft before- but it says a lot about your will to fight and character as a person that you could deal with this for 6 years without drugs. Be proud.

I think this has a big thing to do with your feeling like a loser: "The thing is i can't every discuss things like this with my parents because they'd just rather pretend it never happened or get extremely emotional and just can't talk about it." Don't let your parents get you down. It's nothing to be ashamed of. After all, how many millions of Americans are suffering from depression? Obviously it's something that plagues us all at one time or another.

How long have you and your girlfriend been together? Also, have you two talked about anything else deep or serious about each other? It all depends on how close you two are as of now to say whether she can handle it or not.

Hope this helped.

[comp_lex]

There was this book I read called Captivating by John and Stasi Elderidge ... and highly recommend you read it.

You're not recommending him this book? Funny. Because when I read that first post of yours, I could have sworn you were a spammer.

[Kristin258]

You're not recommending him this book? Funny. Because when I read that first post of yours, I could have sworn you were a spammer.

Lol no... that's not my intent at all...

Am I not allowed to recommend something to someone without getting accusations of spamming? I was just trying to help someone out through personal experience, and the book happened to be a part of it.

[vashti]

The thing is, it looks to me like you are allowing your past to define who you are today. If you were over it, you wouldn't be questioning whether or not to tell people since depression is a relatively common problem. In the end, though, I think whether or not to tell your girlfriend about your history depends on two things:

1) the quality of your girlfriend - If she is immature and trivial, don't bother. This is really a matter of YOU knowing the nature of the people you befriends.

2) your ability to let it go once she is told - if this is something you want to discuss in any length (other than answering her specific questions) I would suggest counseling. On the other hand, if it is mentioned in casual conversation, and you can just move on afterwards, I see no real harm. I want to stress, though, that this should not make her feel obligated to engage in repeated conversations about what you used to be like. She isn't a therapist, so don't treat her like one.

[tong8080]

If I were you, I would tell her what happend then emphasize her that It was just the "PAST".