In love with my best friend

[Gigabitch]

Dude, I totally want to hear details if this goes over well. Not GORY details, but but that's one lucky bastard. The story should be told!

Speak for yourself. I actually want to hear the gory details- body chocolate everywhere!

[Junket]

Speak for yourself. I actually want to hear the gory details- body chocolate everywhere!

That's hot.

[comp_lex]

Wow! You guys are going too fast for me! Remember I'm not actually going for body chocolate on Friday (though I wish that would come somewhere further down the line ).

For now, it's just regular chocolate, in a nice bowl, with teaspoons, napkins and everything proper at this stage. But you'll get to hear the details nonetheless.

[hamster hero]

hope it went well.
I am in a similar best friend situation at the moment and getting terribly confused. damn.

[comp_lex]

*sigh*

I promised I'd keep you guys updated, so I will. Unfortunately, nothing happened yesterday night. Instead of celebrating one-on-one, we went out with a bunch of other people for a beer. Not the intimate moments I was hoping for, but fun nonetheless.

So it'll be for another day. Fortunately I will see him a lot this summer, so a lot of opportunities to come. I keep telling myself I have to tell him, but somehow, every time I'm with him, my courage melts away

Thanks for you guys' input, I'll let you know when something happens.

[hamster hero]

aww sorry to hear that..
i hope it goes better but i definately think telling him is a good idea in your case.

[lovechild87]

You absolutely have to go for it. I was in love with my best friend and we're now engaged. We went to elem and high school together and when we started our freshman year at nearby schools, I realized I was crazy about him. Nothing like being apart for a while to clear your head! Plus, I thought I'd meet other guys in college, which is why I waited, and I found that no one came close to him.
I knew it was now or never, since I figured some other girl would scoop him up. He was going to a primarily female college so it was just a matter of time! I used an idea I read in a book called Grab Your Tiger--I think their website is grabyourtiger.com. In this book 110 women--a lot of them college age like me, tell how they made the first move and one of them said she went back to her guy's dorm room one night and just flat out told him how she felt. Believe it or not, the jerk felt the same way but he was also afraid to ruin their friendship. They're happily married now.
Your friend might be feeling you out with the FWB line, but I think you could go around in circles forever with games. Just do it. Or maybe pick up the book and get some ideas on how to make the first move if you need some help. The point is, do it or someone else will. Good Luck!
Heather

[LostNotFound]

''As the title suggests, I've fallen in love with my best friend''

ye..have am i. friendship makes the best foundation for a relationship.

[comp_lex]

My story comes to an endpoint at last (or maybe turningpoint, you guys tell me afterwards)

So me and this guys go camping and hiking last weekend, I eventually told him I liked him more than a friend. It appears he does not want a relationship though. He said he wishes he could say yes and make me happy. But he doesn't want to hurt me (?). But he also told me I turn him on and would like to have sex with me. I told him that though he turns me on too, that would be unfair for me, so no sex.

What I don't understand, what I think it's incoherent, is that he also said that I'm somebody extremely important to him, big part of his life, he greatly appreciates me as a person, has a great time with me and it would take something catastrophic to destroy our friendship. So my question is if he cares about me as I know he does and is turned on by me, why the hell doesn't he want a relationship? I happen to think that the main ingredients for a good relationship are a good friendship (includes character compatibility, trust, respect) and physical attraction. Am I missing some key ingredient?

I know he has said in the past that he believes relationships are bound to end, while friendships can last forever. So is he afraid he might lose my friendship in the long run by getting into a relationship?

Another element, which I believe might be relevant: his last relationship was a disaster in its later part. He broke up last summer, and I was there for him through that, so I know he had it really tough and it was really ugly. Maybe he's still not completely recovered (I know he only recently told his best buddies about that breakup) and perhaps disillusioned about relationships.

Anyway, I don't know what to do and how to act now. Cutting contact is not an option: our lives are entangled too much for that, and I don't want to anyway. Trying to just act as before with him (haven't seen him since) just hurts like hell, especially because he's trying to be super nice with me now. But his being nice is precisely what hurts, like when he sent me a picture of us hiking and told me it brings out my nice smile - he got me into tears at that point.

I'm trying to be strong and not think about him, and get on with whatever parts of my life don't involve him. But I really just feel like calling him and begging him to reconsider his decision and ask him why, oh why does he not want a relationship with me? (my pride prevented me from asking too many questions when he told me that)

Oh, and it was extremely difficult for me to resist the temptation of just having sex with him in that tiny tent, regardless of what he feels for me. And it still is hard to keep my resolution. It's funny, because I've read a study saying that 3 out of 5 females entering a FWB arrangement do so hoping that it would develop into a romantic relationship. At the time I thought that was so pathetic, but now I'm so tempted to do it.

Please, help me get on. I will need to see him again, so how should I act? What am I to do? Do I have any chances? Can he ever love me?

[Glyph]

You did the right thing in declining the sex. And really, my brow kind of furrowed a bit when I read that, because that's just precisely the WRONG time to bring that up. When you're confessing feelings - not just lust - to answer that with nothing BUT lust is just insanely insensitive of him. That's very much like saying, "Well, can't help you on the emotional crap, but I'd LOVE to **** you!" Kind of inappropriate.

There may or may not be a chance in the future, it's really anybody's guess, but it's obvious right now that he's correctly assessed himself - he's not in any position for a relationship, as it takes the willingness to give of yourself to make one work. He's probably just not in that place yet, and there's no telling when he WILL be. Meanwhile, your life shouldn't stop for that.

Continue to be friends with him, but you might want to put a little distance between you until he feels he doesn't have to overcompensate with sugary niceness to spare your feelings. Go out and do other things, see other friends, meet new people - things that will help take your mind off something you can't have right now, because the truth of the matter is, you can't. The more you belabour it, especially in his presence, the more you run the risk of encountering a weak moment, things might go too far, and then your friendship will REALLY be in a world of shit.

Not enough people realise the role timing plays in so many relationships. Two people might be great for each other fundamentally, but if they're at conflicting times in their lives, if one isn't open to a relationship and the other is, it won't happen. I'm sorry to hear things didn't work out for you, I was really rooting for you.

I find that anytime someone misses out on what I feel I have to offer, I direct that energy towards myself. I'll treat myself, devote time to having fun and making myself feel good again WITHOUT that person. I think that's what you should do.

[clynn]

What I don't understand, what I think it's incoherent, is that he also said that I'm somebody extremely important to him, big part of his life, he greatly appreciates me as a person, has a great time with me and it would take something catastrophic to destroy our friendship. So my question is if he cares about me as I know he does and is turned on by me, why the hell doesn't he want a relationship? I happen to think that the main ingredients for a good relationship are a good friendship (includes character compatibility, trust, respect) and physical attraction. Am I missing some key ingredient?

UGH!!!

Men !

Frankly it doesn't make any sense to me either!

First, congratulations! on confronting him with the info on your crush on him - what a gutsy thing to do.

Second - You were very strong & smart to NOT give in and sleep with him. A weaker person (ME!) probably would have.

Third - Try not to find the answers to all your questions. He probably doesn't even know them. So don't drive yourself crazy pouring over every detail and analyzing and analyzing. It'll drive you nuts & you won't get anywhere

Four - Don't expect the situation or his feelngs to change or grow into more.

Finally - Find another crush!!!


Way to figure this one out!


(a similar situation happened with a friend of mine and her best friend who was a guy. Turns out.....he announced some time later....he is gay - he had dated women in the past)

[comp_lex]

And really, my brow kind of furrowed a bit when I read that, because that's just precisely the WRONG time to bring that up. When you're confessing feelings - not just lust - to answer that with nothing BUT lust is just insanely insensitive of him. That's very much like saying, "Well, can't help you on the emotional crap, but I'd LOVE to **** you!" Kind of inappropriate.

Well, that's not the order in which things were said. He was flirting me as usual, and at some point I asked him if he was turned on by me, and he had to admit it, and then I told him I liked him more than a friend. I don't think it was the best way to approach the subject, but that's how it went.

Thanks for the advice. That's what I'm trying to do. But it's hard. And it'll be still harder when I'll see him.

[comp_lex]

UGH!!!
Second - You were very strong & smart to NOT give in and sleep with him. A weaker person (ME!) probably would have.

It was haaaaard. You've no idea how hard. Things were made worse by the fact that around 5am we both woke up because we were freezing: temperature was -15C, and our sleeping bags were 10C and 0C respectively. So we had to open them and hug in a tight embrace to avoid freezing. So yeah, we slept in a tight embrace for half the night after that conversation: pretty weird.

Third - Try not to find the answers to all your questions. He probably doesn't even know them. So don't drive yourself crazy pouring over every detail and analyzing and analyzing. It'll drive you nuts & you won't get anywhere

I know, I was in that state for the three following days, and it did drive me nuts. I'm better now (5th day). I'm growing calmer.

Finally - Find another crush!!!

Lol, the new crush will have high standards to beat! Besides, he was not just a crush - I'd been in love with him for about 6 months now.

[Gigabitch]

Just as long as you don't see him naked, know what I mean? You've still got a handle on this situation, even if you don't feel like you do. Don't give that up.

It doesn't matter why he can't commit to being in a relationship with you- just be glad he's being up front about it and saying so BEFORE you slept with him. Who knows- maybe he'll come around, maybe he won't, but I think you know what would happen if you pursued the FWB thing. I think 3 out of 5 is an inaccurate statistic. I would bet it's more like 9 out of 10. Don't do that.

[comp_lex]

Just as long as you don't see him naked, know what I mean?

Me very innocent. Nope, don't know what you mean

You've still got a handle on this situation, even if you don't feel like you do. Don't give that up.

By a handle on the situation you mean that I decide whether I give him sex or not? I agree with that. I do have that, and I'll keep it.

It doesn't matter why he can't commit to being in a relationship with you- just be glad he's being up front about it and saying so BEFORE you slept with him. Who knows- maybe he'll come around, maybe he won't, but I think you know what would happen if you pursued the FWB thing. I think 3 out of 5 is an inaccurate statistic. I would bet it's more like 9 out of 10. Don't do that.

Thanks for the advice Giga, and I promise I'll try very hard. You are right about FWB: I do not want that - It would hurt so much more. I'll see how I succeed though. I'll see him tomorrow (academic context, no worries) and see if we can still be around each other as best friends minus the flirting part. It'll be an interesting meeting. I'll miss his hand on my back and waist.

Thank you all for your support, it is much needed at the moment.