May be long, be rough, advice.

[Darkest Heaven]

Okay. First of all, I know that you may say break it off and figure yourself out and get some mental help. That's fine, but me, and most importantly her, decided we can get through it together.

3 weeks ago, dating website.

We talked, she called, she told me she'd come see me (lives 40 minutes away.) I have trust problems, REALLY BIG, trust problems. I told her prove it. She came over the next day.

We dated, she got into a car wreck. I called it a lie, she came over the same night in her broken car that she crashed earlier on her way to work.

I SHOULD trust her... I didn't.


We broke up a bunch (me and my paranoia), and then her friend did something last night.

Her friend is (I'm guessing) jealous of her talking to me all the time. The friend, we'll call her.... Amanda...doesn't have much. Family doesn't like her, not too many friends. So, she called one of her guy friends up, and he called me, telling me to leave my girl alone.

My girl was WITH Amanda, and Amanda only had my number because my girlfriend called it from Amanda's phone because hers was dying/dead.


So we had a talk last night. This is where it gets trippy, and you may be angry with me, or her for doing it. Or you may not care. But, be as rough as you want, just offer advice, that's all I'm asking.


I told my girl friend to not talk to anybody but me, and her managers at work. Now, the past week or two she's been doing that and "putting up because I love you." Now, she says she's doing it because she does love me, and isn't just "putting up with it"

Here's the problem. Am I paranoid, or is this not going to last? She cried on the phone, she cried when she took her friend home this morning, but at the same time she sees that most of her friends are like that, backstabbing jealous rejects. (In my view)

Okay... so.... is she really doing it because she loves me? If not, she's doing it because she doesn't want to lose me, so does THAT mean she really loves me?

It's been 3 weeks, I know, short. But we've been through a lot, the car accident is a small example.

Her past BF'S beat her and abused her... just thought I'd throw that in..... anything to help you help me.

When I ask why she loves me, she says that a look I give her and how my eyes are when I give her that look. She loves me for me, basically is what she said.
Lately, she's just been giving me one word answers, a lot of "I don't knows", and when I ask if she still wants to do this and loves me, she gives me a definite yes. Keep in mind, the talk about all the no talking to people stuff was this morning, and she's sunburt (not a real word, don't care) at work, so maybe she's just having a rough day. (Not enough sleep, etc etc.)


So, be rough, be rude, whatever, just HELP ME figure out why she's doing this, and how long it will last.

[IndiReloaded]

Okay you asked for it. Hope you can handle the truth:

She is acting the way she is b/c she is trying to work out a way to dissociate herself from you, physically & emotionally. She may deny it, but its the truth. Its b/c you have been abusing her. These are examples of emotional abuse:

We dated, she got into a car wreck. I called it a lie...

I told my girl friend to not talk to anybody but me, and her managers at work.

You do have trust issues. So, work on fixing them. BTW, its NOT her job to fix your shit for you. Figure it out for yourself. If she is willing to support you while you do, consider yourself lucky, but she doesn't owe it to you.

Good luck.

[Darkest Heaven]

Bingo to the above post, that's EXACTLY what I'm paranoid about.

Now it leads me to ask this- should I have ANOTHER talk tonight and question this?

Or let it last until she dumps me, because she promised me she never would.

So, how is she trying to do it, if she keeps telling me she loves me, and she keeps telling me all these nice things and such?

[Darkest Heaven]

Sorry for double post.

But I talked to her about this kind of thing, I asked her a few days ago if she wanted to stop loving me.... the answer was no.

She doubts we can keep it going because she's afraid of being dumped.... which she has a reason to be, and that's MY fault.

But..... is she really trying to get away, and can you say that for sure? Or is she just having a rough day and giving me everything I want because she's afraid.... or is she just having a bad day and doing it because she wants to be.

ANOTHER THING: I told her this was ALL her choice. To chose me, or them.... and she chose me, so why is she acting this defensive and... moody I guess?

I'm so lost, help.

[IndiReloaded]

How long have you known each other? Three weeks??

Sorry, but neither one of you know *anything* about each other. There is no way she can 'love' you, at least not anything other than a transient crush. The idea of you two supporting each other thru these serious emotional issues is frankly ridiculous at this point. You both sound like really needy ppl who are looking for the answers to your issues in someone else, rather than working on yourselves.

So do that. Work on yourselves. Try to get together & just focus on having a good time rather than on each other's crap. If you decide there is enough positive things about each other to go further, then mbe in a year or two from now you can see if you are each strong enough to help each other grow.

But honestly, I doubt it from what you've said. This sounds like a co-dependent attraction due to the fact you both have shit you seem to resonate with. A disaster waiting to happen. I don't know how old you are, but I will tell you that older ppl with more experience learn to *run* from mixes like these faster than Bush from a polygraph test.

[Darkest Heaven]

I see. Thank you for being honest, and trying to help.

I've been texting her a bit recently, and we've just talked about movies/tv/games/whatever.

A problem I see now is, I'm always serious, always looking for a mistake to prove a point that she isn't trustworthy.

I need to relax and enjoy what I have, because ever since I stopped the "I love you, you mean a lot to me, let's not fight", she started texting back much quicker, said "lol" a lot, and she isn't the type of person to go lolwaffles for no reason. So, basically, what I've been doing is trying so hard NOT to **** up, that all I've BEEN doing IS ****ing up.

Either that, or I'm trying to convince myself that it'll work, when I fully know it wont in my subconscious mind.

Let's hope it's not the latter.

[Lynx3]

No trust = no relationship. simple as that. If you have trust issues, fix that, then look for a girlfriend.

[gHEXjt]

Dude, you are absolutely INSANE! For some unknown reason you point out she's been abused in the past, yet you sound like the type that would progress into abusing their SO. If not physically, definitely verbally because you are already there. Implementing rules, not allowing her to speak to others a few weeks into a relationship, you make me sick. You sound like those dudes they show on daytime talk shows that think they literally own their wives/girlfriends. How old are you?

I'm going to go out on a limb and say you've never been in a real relationship, or at least a stable one. You can't start a relationship off by telling her that you have serious trust issues and that she needs to prove right away that you can trust her. I've got trust issues...you don't have issues, you're beyond that, you need to see a mental health professional. In addition, how in three weeks are you already "in love?" You've both got serious problems. I assure you, you are not in love. I'm not saying you won't be, but nobody is really "in love" 3 weeks after meeting each other. Breaking this thing off shouldn't be an issue for her if she wants to, that just once again is an attribute of her incredibly diminished level of maturity. Breaking up with someone after 3 weeks should be no sweat off anyone's back. We've all been there many times. Unless you're incredibly sensitive, that's the time where a breakup occurs and you'd think, "hopefully I'll have some better luck next time." You shouldn't even be in a relationship until you're comfortable enough with yourself that you won't act like a crazed lunatic.

[Sybella]

It sounds to me like she is building walls to protect herself from being abused. She may not be comfortable not being in a relationship but when she is in one she sets herself up for abuse.

As for you, I'm not trying to be mean I'm just saying how I see it, I think you need to lay off a little. You may not physically abuse her but mental abuse is just as hard to deal with. It is a lot more subtle and harder to identify. Your saying first thing that you don't trust her and then telling her who to talk to is probably only adding to the mental and emotional strain she has already suffered in past relationships. I realize you may be only looking out for her wellbeing but you seem to be coming off a little strong. Try being her friend before you be more.

If given the choice between a relationship with the perfect friend or the perfect lover I think the best choice is the friend. I hope that things work out for you guys and I wish you the best.

[gardino]

Try to think the same feeling what you had right now on the next 30 years ahead. Sadly you have to feel that every single day, 365 days x 30 years = ????
Do you really want that?

[Gigabitch]

Grrrrr.

Makes me want to date you, and I do not mean that in a nice way.

I would set you straight, you crazy ****er. How DARE you tell someone they can only talk to you or to their managers at work, especially knowing she has a history of abusive relationships?

I want to turn a fire hose on you for even thinking you can say something like that, and then she gets the fire hose also for tolerating that crap for one minute.

My advice: Neither one of you is equipped to have a relationship with anyone aside from a very good therapist.

Stop sugar-coating your own reality. You aren't "paraniod" and you don't have "trust issues". You're a psychotic nutjob.

[anachronistic]

What the ****?

What the **** made you think you can control her like that? That ain't no relationship. Relationships are mutual. Clearly, what you have here is a wish for power.

You might have well been better off tying a leash around her neck and putting her in your basement. Is that what you want?

[Gigabitch]

Don't give him ideas.

[anachronistic]

Don't give him ideas.

::snicker:: this guy sounds like the next Buffalo Bill.

[Gigabitch]

It puts the lotion on or else it gets the hose again!