“Just Friends”

[shymathguy]

I have a problem where girls say to me, “I just want to be friends.” and then something goes wrong:

1. I met a girl at a party and we started exchanging emails. (+) After a few weeks she wrote and said that she didn’t want to continue because she just wanted to be friends. (-) I said that’s all I want, too. She said she was relieved and we kept emailing. (+)

Then she said that she felt closer to me and that she had always thought of me as being “soft”, and that if I wanted things to change between us, “It’s you call.” Then she wrote that she loves me as a friend. (+) So I wrote her that I loved her, too. Then she said we can’t continue because she just wants to be friends. (-)

Then she wrote and said that she meant only for now while she’s busy. (+)

2. I met a girl and we went out a few times. We both said how much we enjoyed it. (+) But there was a problem and she didn’t want to continue. (-) I wrote her occasionally for a year but she never responded. Then I told her that I have always loved her a lot. Suddenly she wrote (+) and said she didn’t want to continue with me because she just wants to be friends and I want more (-). I just wrote her that it’s ok if we’re just friends.

Can anybody explain why they keep saying this and how I can navigate through these land mines? It’s not that they really mean it - they go back and forth between being a friend and being almost a lover.

[vashti]

I think the problem with girl number 2 is that you continued to call her (and even told her you loved her!) for a YEAR without her responding. When people don't respond after a week or so, I would take that to mean they aren't interested.

Girl number 1 said you are too soft. I think that means she doesn't think you have a backbone and lack normal boundaries. This dynamic is often accompanied by a sense of mild desperation, and these characteristics (especially combined) are a big turnoff.

Sorry to be harsh.

[Gigabitch]

Wow. The first girl wanted you and you didn't pursue it. The second girl didn't want you and you wouldn't give it up.

These two "I just want to be friends" situations could not be more different. Interesting that they both said the same thing, when in reality, neither of them meant it at all.

The first girl wanted to date you but didn't want to be perceived as being the one who was doing the asking, so she was just playing hard to get a little.

The second girl didn't even want to talk to you any more, and she said she wanted to be friends when she really meant she wanted you to piss off.

[anachronistic]

1. I met a girl at a party and we started exchanging emails. (+) After a few weeks she wrote and said that she didn’t want to continue because she just wanted to be friends. (-) I said that’s all I want, too. She said she was relieved and we kept emailing. (+)

Then she said that she felt closer to me and that she had always thought of me as being “soft”, and that if I wanted things to change between us, “It’s you call.” Then she wrote that she loves me as a friend. (+) So I wrote her that I loved her, too. Then she said we can’t continue because she just wants to be friends. (-)

you should have asked this girl on a date right after you met her. that's what she meant by being to soft. you shouldn't have lied to the girl and said all you want is friends. you should have told her that you liked her. why did you play along with her like that? come on! grow some balls!

2. I met a girl and we went out a few times. We both said how much we enjoyed it. (+) But there was a problem and she didn’t want to continue. (-) I wrote her occasionally for a year but she never responded. Then I told her that I have always loved her a lot. Suddenly she wrote (+) and said she didn’t want to continue with me because she just wants to be friends and I want more (-). I just wrote her that it’s ok if we’re just friends.

do you know why she didn't want to continue? how come you're only writing emails? why don't you call instead?

anyhow, if a girl doesn't respond, don't continue to write her. when you told her that you loved her, it probably made her feel bad because you wrote for an entire year and she didn't respond, like she didn't give you enough of a heads up or something. just stop talking to her.

[Marissa]

I have to admit... if a guy kept e-mailing me, even if I didn't respond, I'd get worried. I mean, there'd be a reason I wasn't responding... like... I'm just not that into them.

[anachronistic]

I have to admit... if a guy kept e-mailing me, even if I didn't respond, I'd get worried. I mean, there'd be a reason I wasn't responding... like... I'm just not that into them.

there is a girl i dated a while back that still tries to talk to me today. it's been 4 years since i dated her. i always ignore her. she always gets my email addresses and my instant message names and tries to send me ****ing messages. i told her to just **** off a few times. she doesn't listn

i wish there was internet police sometimes.

[Marissa]

there is a girl i dated a while back that still tries to talk to me today. it's been 4 years since i dated her. i always ignore her. she always gets my email addresses and my instant message names and tries to send me ****ing messages. i told her to just **** off a few times. she doesn't listn

i wish there was internet police sometimes.

Oh, I know! I told one of my exes that I never wanted to talk to him again, was blunt and to the point, and he e-mails me! He's e-mailed me twice so far... and in the e-mails he says things like "if you don't reply, I won't e-mail you again", so I haven't replied... and he sends another saying the same damned thing. It's like, dood, catch a hint. Catch the brutally honest truth! Catch AIDS, I don't care. Just catch something!

[nyc123]

there is a girl i dated a while back that still tries to talk to me today. it's been 4 years since i dated her. i always ignore her. she always gets my email addresses and my instant message names and tries to send me ****ing messages. i told her to just **** off a few times. she doesn't listn

i wish there was internet police sometimes.

*cough*restrainingorder*cough*