I'm lost and need some advice.

[Obliviousfate]

I don't even know how to start to explain the problem.

Years ago I had this girlfriend and it seemed that we were perfect for each other we did a lot together had similiar interests, but there were a lot that we didnt have in common as well. I'm a very open-minded person where as she is very closed. Either way we were still madly in love. Well, she thought I was cheating on her (which I just recently found out) which I wasn't and she broke up with me. We didn't talk to each other for the better part of 5 years. She is recently divorced with a 3 year old son. Thats her part.
I'm a brand new dad with a 4 month old daughter .
But the mother and I don't get along that well, mostly. We still have a lot of fun together we just argue a lot, and mostly over stupid things. So now we are currently together but...not? I'm not sure about the specifics of it, it's more what she wanted over myself. So my ex and I start talking again after so long and we tell each other that we still feel the same way about each other.
The kicker is I know how I feel about her and my daughter's mother. Im still in love with my ex, and after some problems with my recent ex i dont feel as passionate about. I feel as if i should just tell my ex that I'm in this relationship for better or worse, at the very least for my daughter. If i screwed up my life it doesnt give me a right to screw up hers. But the feelings for my ex or so....strong. When im with her I feel intoxicated all the time. She wears a perfume thats not too common and everytime i smelled it the past 5 years i couldnt even think straight, couldnt work, or drive. And with the most recent ex, everything is great problems only occur when we are fighting which is most of the time, but when we are we have the most fun conversations and some really great times. I dont know what I should do. Any advice would be appreciated. I've been thinking about this for about a year this month. Thanks.

I think I should also mention that I feel strongly for both of them. I wouldn't have dated either one if I didn't. They both have great things about them and then some other things that aren't so great. I...just don't know.

[hitch]

I feel as if i should just tell my ex that I'm in this relationship for better or worse, at the very least for my daughter. If i screwed up my life it doesnt give me a right to screw up hers.

I think you're right. Your intoxication will fade with your ex...trust me...they all do. Think about it, divorce this woman, leave your daughter with her because we all know if the wife is mentally stable she gets custody, and go gallivant with a woman who dumped you because of a false notion. What if it happens again?

[misombra]

my dad left my mom to go with whoever else before i turned a year old. though now i just think of him as a normal person who was just going through some shit, i find it terribly selfish.

if you and your wife can't get along then do some therapy or something. surely you have friends or family to support you. i'm sure some of the reasons ya'll can't get along is because you're yearning for somebody else, and a woman knows when she is not the one you're yearning for. and with a young child, she probably already feels not as attractive.

some feelings we have to put up on a shelf. the heartbreak you feel doesn't compare to the heartbreak you'll be putting your daughter through. right now she's too young to know but it won't be long before she's aware.

but i don't know, it's hard to say with these things. hard situation.

[vashti]

my dad left my mom to go with whoever else before i turned a year old. though now i just think of him as a normal person who was just going through some shit, i find it terribly selfish.

if you and your wife can't get along then do some therapy or something. surely you have friends or family to support you. i'm sure some of the reasons ya'll can't get along is because you're yearning for somebody else, and a woman knows when she is not the one you're yearning for. and with a young child, she probably already feels not as attractive.

some feelings we have to put up on a shelf. the heartbreak you feel doesn't compare to the heartbreak you'll be putting your daughter through. right now she's too young to know but it won't be long before she's aware.

but i don't know, it's hard to say with these things. hard situation.

Great post. I agree 100%. Whether or not you stay with your family will ultimately decide the quality of the man you are.

Maybe you should quit hanging around your ex. It would be a lot easier to concentrate on the people you SHOULD be concentrating on right now.

On a separate note, has anyone else noticed the disproportionate number of these kinds of threads lately? Maybe its the weather.

[Gigabitch]

Think about it, divorce this woman, leave your daughter with her because we all know if the wife is mentally stable she gets custody, and go gallivant with a woman who dumped you because of a false notion. What if it happens again?

Nope. Not the case. Unless he's proven to be a danger to the child, the father gets half-time, and let me tell you, that arrangement sucks. It sucks for everyone involved.

Dude, neither one of these women should be your priority. The #1 female in your life is your daughter. Do right by her. You can pursue your romantic interests later.

[nyc123]

my parents separated when i was 7. the divorce lasted until i was 14. it was messy, but in the end i'm really glad it happened. i can see that my parents are really incompatible and that things would be worse for me and my sisters had they stayed together. so... i guess what i'm trying to say is that doing what's best for your daughter doesn't automatically mean staying with her mother. if you're always fighting, that can't be good for your kid either. i'm saying this in general, not necessarily specific to this situation. i just wanted to put that out there.

[Gigabitch]

I totally agree with you, nyc. My parents stayed together and they shouldn't have.

So, to clarify: Obliviousfate, when you're making your decision, think it through, then sleep on it, then think it through again, always with the welfare of your daughter foremost in your mind.

[DoodleMan]

What's all this talk of divorce? He never says he's married. In fact, I believe he refers to his daughter's mother as "his most recent ex".

[IndiReloaded]

On a separate note, has anyone else noticed the disproportionate number of these kinds of threads lately? Maybe its the weather.

Funny you should mention. I was just thinking "Another one??"

Its almost like someone is doing an experiment. I'd like to know the IP addresses of these posters & compare.

Anyway, Miso already said it all. And whoever made that post before about a soft bed to lie in...

[shh!]

Anyway, Miso already said it all. And whoever made that post before about a soft bed to lie in...

Ha! I think that was ALSO misombra!

[misombra]

i don't think it was. but i'm still awesome like that.

[shh!]

No? Oh well. It *sounded* like you.

[Obliviousfate]

It was really great advice everyone thank you. I agree that no matter what i feel currently, that the best thing i can do is to take into consideration my daughter. And even though she might understand if i went off with my ex later in life. Its still now in development that would affect her the most and in the years to come. We dont argue all the time just over stupid things often. I dont dread being around her, I actually enjoy alot of the time we spend together, and i dont want to have to file for custody and get a certain alloted amount of time to see her every week. that would suck. Also, this wasn't just a passing feeling I've have been trying to think about this from every angle. I normally don't talk to people in person about what I'm thinking (everyone comes to me with their problems, and I can fix it for them and its so clear on what they should do, but with myself its always fuzzy). But it is a relief to know that what i was thinking in general really is the best approach to the situation. Thanks again everyone.

[vashti]

If you wanna know the truth, I don't think you sound unhappy enough to consider divorce. Maybe your expectations about marital life are unrealistic, especially when it comes to all the new changes associated with being the parents of a four month old.

Trust me when I say you DON'T want to miss watching your kid grow up. You haven't even gotten to the good part yet.

[Gigabitch]

Oh, that's true. You have so much to look forward to- when they get to be about three, they start getting more reasonable, and the cuteness just gets ridiculous. Lasts until they're 11.