I need help again.

[IndiReloaded]

Oh Giga, you're giving him hope tho, where there likely isn't any. You're giving him your Cloud 9 bias, babe. And he's *not* saying "I love her, she's my soulmate, I'd do anything to be with her". Your situation is rare and special, IMO.

I still say GTFO, Zach. She's messed up, and probably emotionally dependent on you, so do her a favour & make the decision for her. Drop your dependence on the 'feel good' hormones *you* are getting from Rescuing Her.

Take care of NOW. Let the future handle itself later.

[LoveTwist]

Oh, Zach, that's harsh.

For me, the sticking point is that she is living with him. The situation I'm in here in SF is that my ex won't let me take my daughter to Cali, so I'm stuck here, and my boyfriend moved here from Cali, leaving behind everyone, to be with me. We could be here for years.

The difference is, I'm free to be with him. I was already divorced when all of this occurred. Angela isn't.

I feel for her, I really do, and you too, but it seems to me that your presence in Al at this time would only exacerbate the situation.

So back off. Tell her you love her but you don't want to play tug-of-war with a baby against a man who is stubborn and won't let her go. I think they'll break up, I really do. Wait for it. He may not let her leave the state, but at some point in the near future, that divorce is coming.

That's when you'll have a decision to make. Right now, the only viable option you have is to stay in PA, give her your love and moral support, but understand that what she's got going on right now is a no-win situation for both of you.

Giga's advise is a zillion times better than mine!!!

Forget everything I said! She's right.
And she's been in a similar situation so knows better the sort of thing that’s going on here, to be honest I haven't a clue.

And yes, maybe that divorce will come through and you can one day get back together. Who knows...

My apologies for the bad advice. But Giga's is definitely better. I'm just sorry you've had to go through such a rough ride again. Seems you've been very unlucky in love lately.

I know things look bad now... but it will get better again... If things don't work out with her then theres always plenty more fish in the sea, plenty more stars in the sky! Don't lose hope!!

Never Give Up! Never Surrender!!

LoveTwist

[Gigabitch]

Oh Giga, you're giving him hope tho, where there likely isn't any. You're giving him your Cloud 9 bias, babe. And he's *not* saying "I love her, she's my soulmate, I'd do anything to be with her". Your situation is rare and special, IMO.

I still say GTFO, Zach. She's messed up, and probably emotionally dependent on you, so do her a favour & make the decision for her. Drop your dependence on the 'feel good' hormones *you* are getting from Rescuing Her.

Take care of NOW. Let the future handle itself later.

I understand your point, but I also understand Zach. His self-image is very connected to his sense of integrity. I don't think he would do anything that would feel like abandonment.

If he cuts her off, he has guilt. If he simply backs off, things will take their natural course- either she'll make a Herculean effort to change some things in order to be with him or she won't. Either way, he will have done what he could to facilitate the romance.

[Zach]

Well I told her that I would go visit her this weekend because her parents are out of town and the house would be free. I was ok with it all and me taking a small step and just flying down for the weekend to see how it is down there and maybe I would be more sure about some things after I went down.

Its so weird, one minute I seriously am ok with it all and I actually get a lil excited then 2 hours later I start to panic cause I feel like Im doing the wrong thing. I just cant seem to figure anything out at all... I just dont know anything anymore...

I guess Im a mess right now..

[Zach]

fückin fück zach. aren't you still in college??

anyhow, your unconscious mind is trying to tell you to get out of the relationship. that's why you're having doubts.

I finished school back in may, now im working and sitting at home thinking about wtf im gonna do.

I get laid off here in a couple months so i need to find a job even if I dont go to Al.

She doesnt want me to take on anymore responibility than i am ready for. She knows im under alot of stress and that this is HUGE for me. I wont be responible for her child and ill have a place to stay if I did go down.

guys why cant I make up my mind?! Maybe im crazy!

I know Im not as commited as I need to be to take care of a family and support one right now but the thing is I dont have to be right now. THe baby still has its mother who has a job and a father who has a job its not like its all on me right now anyways.

Although this is a serious commitment and I need to be ready for it and I know im not yet. Why am I not ready?? I think its because I know I still have so much left to experience before I enter the babyhood life style. gah! but who knows, maybe I just dont know any better and would actually love all of this.. I wouldnt know either way.. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

[IndiReloaded]

Zach, in your opinion, how much is your relationship w/this lady contributing to her marriage problems?

Be honest. As Giga would say, "Its the internet"

BTW, I'm not saying Zach, you should drop her cold. That would be cruel. BUT I would say that you need boundaries that eliminate the romantic part of your interactions right now.

I speak from experience here, Zach, as Giga knows. In my case it was the "I'm in love, they are my soulmate, I'll do anything including wait 20 years" case. It took some tough love & some shock therapy to set some hard boundaries. It hurt a lot for me to do this, but it was the right thing to do. If she can't be loyal to her husband *while she is still married to him* how could you ever expect her to be the same for you?

So, I will tell you straight: unless her husband is an abusive asshole who doesn't deserve to live, much less be married (and I bet he's a regular joe just working hard trying to make it for his family, probably tired & stressed from that & dealing w/his wife), you stand very little chance of a relationship w/this lady.

I hope you can extricate yourself kindly & gently w/o too much damage to either of you. Good luck.

[vashti]

I agree with Indi.

Also, you are too young for this kind of responsibility.

[Zach]

Zach, in your opinion, how much is your relationship w/this lady contributing to her marriage problems?

Be honest. As Giga would say, "Its the internet"

BTW, I'm not saying Zach, you should drop her cold. That would be cruel. BUT I would say that you need boundaries that eliminate the romantic part of your interactions right now.

I speak from experience here, Zach, as Giga knows. In my case it was the "I'm in love, they are my soulmate, I'll do anything including wait 20 years" case. It took some tough love & some shock therapy to set some hard boundaries. It hurt a lot for me to do this, but it was the right thing to do. If she can't be loyal to her husband *while she is still married to him* how could you ever expect her to be the same for you?

So, I will tell you straight: unless her husband is an abusive asshole who doesn't deserve to live, much less be married (and I bet he's a regular joe just working hard trying to make it for his family, probably tired & stressed from that & dealing w/his wife), you stand very little chance of a relationship w/this lady.

I hope you can extricate yourself kindly & gently w/o too much damage to either of you. Good luck.

I nearly broke up with her about 2 weeks ago for the same reason but when I did the first time and she really thought I was gonna leave her she was packed and ready to leave and I was really upset and she told me there was one thing that she wanted to tell me before she left. It was that before she met me her marriage was actually ok, and that she lied to me that it was bad so she could have a chance with me.. But they way she talked about him was horrible and I knew alot of the things about him were true and she never did love him like she really wanted... she always said to me that she married her best friend cause they had a kid together.. Scott (her husband) even had his online gf too, they never were together like she described it.

I do think that breaking it off is the right choice or atleast the *happier* choice to make for my life right now. But whether or not that is what I SHOULD do is what i cant figure out.

EDIT:

I honestly dont know if breaking it off now would be the happier choice... sometimes I think it will be but I really dont know maybe i would be happier with down there.. **** me

ps- someone tell me im bipolar so this can all make sense PLEASE!

[LoveTwist]

I do think that breaking it off is the right choice or at least the *happier* choice to make for my life right now. But whether or not that is what I SHOULD do is what i cant figure out.

If its the happier choice now…. then its the best choice now!

Everyone on here seems to agree that breaking it off now is best for all involved and seems like you do too. That’s probably why you feel so confused... Somewhere in your mind you know it’s the best choice + the happier choice, but out of some sort of obligation… you feel you need to keep it together.

Well you don't! In fact things will probably be less stressful for everyone if you end it. LDRs can be stressful as hell at the best of times…. but with husbands and children involved it must be almost impossible.

Don't let you're emotions mess you around and send your head spinning.... It'll only make you dizzy…. If you think its the happier choice for you, that’s all that matters.
If you stay in a relationship that keeps stressing you out and your conscious is giving you mixed messages… then sooner or later you're both going to get hurt.

It can be really hard doing something you know is right but your emotions somehow fight, but in this case your logic is right!

[Zach]

How am I supposed to break up with her... I have never broken up with anyone before and I am having serious issues trying to even bring it up!! omg *nervous*

[Junket]

You just start thinking about all the reasons why you should break it off.

Because, quite frankly, you should.

[anachronistic]

How am I supposed to break up with her... I have never broken up with anyone before and I am having serious issues trying to even bring it up!! omg *nervous*

i admit, it is a tough situation that you are in.

you should be honest with her, you're having doubts about all this. write out your feelings a couple times so you don't just stumble over silly thoughts.

[Zach]

ok so I brought it up and it didnt go as planned at all.. because honestly I really dont know what I want still and I dont have a very good reason to break up with her besides simply not wanting responsibility that I need to take up anyways.

The only real issue is that sometimes I dont know how I feel about HER. One minute I wanna be with her and the next I wanna be single, it really is going 50/50 here and its such a god damn close battle in my head and heart. I told her everything though and she seriously understands it all... she just wants me to come down to visit her this weekend because it could help me figure out what I really seriously want since i cant seem to make my ****ing mind up.

I dont know what to believe anymore, my feelings are NOT trust worthy at all.

theres SO many factors in all this and my feelings are out of wack on pretty much everyone of those factors right now.

I guess I'll just go to visit her this weekend and take it fromthere and HOPE to GOD that I somehow know for sure one way or another after I come back...

[IndiReloaded]

Ha, well, some thiings can only be learned by experience.

Zach, since you like quotes, here's one for you that IT ppl know well, but it applies to much of life. It fits since its about complexity, which your situation certainly is:

On Complexity: Fools ignore it. Pragmatists endure it. Experts avoid it. Geniuses remove it.

Figure out which one you are & good luck.

[Vain]

>>One minute I wanna be with her and the next I wanna be single<<

Man that's exactly me about a month ago. I just told her I needed some time away to think things through and although reluctant she agreed. I gave it almost 4 days of absolutely no contact and I realized how much good it does just to have someone there for you. Just someone to hold or just talk to.

I think you also need time since your also not sure what you want from your relationship. If she can't give you a couple days to think it through then I'm not sure what else to say.