Being the best friend vs. being the "other" woman

[lovexlikexcance]

This is really hard because I've never been in this situation before, but I hope you will read all of this before passing judgment on me or anyone else. Please stick with me, I'm afraid this could get a little long. I apologize in advance. 10 years ago, I met a guy who became a fast friend of mine. I let him in, easily. We talked, had everything in common, and laughed so much. It didn't take long for him to become my best friend and shortly after that I was deeply in love. But we were young, 10 years ago I was only 15 years old, and of course because of the insecurities of the time, growing up I never told him. Friends told me that he was into me too, but he never told me, perhaps if he had things might have been different but who knows. But, we stayed close, and over the years we've shared everything, and between the two of us we know more about each-other than friends, family, even past or current lovers. Our connection is amazing, and we always have those weird coincidences that happen and just make you go.. Hm? Two years ago I met a guy and thought I was in love, so I left my best friend, my family and my whole life behind. I ended up drug addicted and sorely abused. So, I left him, because I'm not going to take that crap. I came back to my life, and my loved ones. To find my best friend had married. Wow!! I was so happy for him. I still loved him, but it didn't even matter because he was happy and that's what matters when you truly are someone's best friend. And, I thought she was so great for him. Pretty, and sweet, and so much fun. We hit it off instantly, and hung out like sisters. She was so much like him that it didn't take her long to get close to my heart just like he is. Then, something happened. I'm not sure what it was, but it seemed to have started back in Feb. when he fell at work at shattered his knee. She seemed to just, stop caring about him. She left him bed-ridden, while his mom made a 1,500 mile drive and stayed for a month to take care of him. His wife spent her free time with a male friend of hers from work. And she found out that he'd have to have surgery and wouldn't be able to return to work, she quit her job as well because "it wasn't fair" that she'd have to work, and not him. Since then, things have gone dramatically down-hill from random knock-down drag-out fights, to her walking-out on him and not coming home for days, even going so far as throwing things at him. He's shown up at my house various times, sometimes late at night crying, and on occasion bleeding. But here's where things get a little confusing and I need a little help..

Is it right for me to be giving him any advice at all when my feelings for him run a little deeper than just "best friends" or would be the ultimate betrayal of our friendship?

[Gigabitch]

What, like your advice would be biased? Of course it would. Everyone's advice is biased.

If I were you, I'd not only be giving him advice, I'd be advising him to divorce his rotten wife and marry ME.

Yeah, that's right. Bet you guys have never seen me post something like that before, but it's the truth. That's exactly what I would do if I were you.

Put an end to ten years of pretending.

[lovexlikexcance]

What, like your advice would be biased? Of course it would. Everyone's advice is biased.

If I were you, I'd not only be giving him advice, I'd be advising him to divorce his rotten wife and marry ME.

Yeah, that's right. Bet you guys have never seen me post something like that before, but it's the truth. That's exactly what I would do if I were you.

Put an end to ten years of pretending.

Wow! I like you already. Hope that's not weird, and if it is - Forgive me. I have a weird habit of saying what I think. Some people find it odd.

Honestly, the good friend in me, wants to give him a truly unbiased opinion and hopes he works things out for whatever makes him happiest.

The selfish part of him wonders how long it's going to take him to ditch the $#%&h and see what he's missing in the person who truly cares for him - ME!

[Mathias]

What, like your advice would be biased? Of course it would. Everyone's advice is biased.

If I were you, I'd not only be giving him advice, I'd be advising him to divorce his rotten wife and marry ME.

Yeah, that's right. Bet you guys have never seen me post something like that before, but it's the truth. That's exactly what I would do if I were you.

Put an end to ten years of pretending.

Listen to Giga. She knows stuff.

[vashti]

How could this woman who was so much like a sister all of a sudden turn so psycho? Would her version of this story match his?

[misombra]

eh i'm a bit more cynical. i guess i know other stuff lol.

i would say try to stay out of it and save yourself the pain of the whole situation. this fussing and fighting could go on for a long time. years. possibly forever. some people like having dysfunctional relationships and will not get out of them even when they want to. even if there's somebody else that'll do better by them.

these things are energy suckers, and i suspect in time your energy will be depleted and you'll really have no other choice.

you can't make somebody break up with someone, much less divorce someone. only the two people involved can decide that. right now you're the third wheel. it doesn't sound like fun to me.

[lovexlikexcance]

How could this woman who was so much like a sister all of a sudden turn so psycho? Would her version of this story match his?

See, that's a good question and while I'd really like to ask at the same time I'd rather she come to me. I don't want to feel nosey or intrusive. They're both my friends and while I really love him, I know it still doesn't make it right for me to push my way into their relationship. I'd love to hear her side of the story.

But then again, her side of the story might not change the way I feel right now. I mean, when my best friend shows up at my home and 2/3 o'clock in the morning bleeding, and crying... Something's just not right.

[lovexlikexcance]

How could this woman who was so much like a sister all of a sudden turn so psycho? Would her version of this story match his?

eh i'm a bit more cynical. i guess i know other stuff lol.

i would say try to stay out of it and save yourself the pain of the whole situation. this fussing and fighting could go on for a long time. years. possibly forever. some people like having dysfunctional relationships and will not get out of them even when they want to. even if there's somebody else that'll do better by them.

these things are energy suckers, and i suspect in time your energy will be depleted and you'll really have no other choice.

you can't make somebody break up with someone, much less divorce someone. only the two people involved can decide that. right now you're the third wheel. it doesn't sound like fun to me.

It's somehow in my nature to be mostly cynical, but I try to keep it to myself. Right now, I'm conflicted more than anything else. I jump back and forth between the emotions, cynical, hopeful, hurt. It's hard, but even if there never is an "us", seeing my best friend be happy again would be totally worth it to me. He really does mean that much. I don't want to make him break up with her, I love him but that's not the point I was trying to make here at all. When he first married her, they were so very happy. And more than anything, with or without her, with or without me - I just want to see him happy like that again. He really deserves it. I've talked to him once, about maybe I should just break contact with both of them, it didn't have to a forever thing... Just until things get worked. But he told me that seeing as he can't really talk to his friends, and obviously can't talk to his wife, I'm really all he has for friends he can turn to and that if I didn't talk to him it'd just hurt him really bad, or make things worse. Let me tell you, that made me feel more guilty than anything I've ever said and done before. But I'll give you this - It is certainly not fun at all.

[vashti]

The thing I am worried about is whether or not your availability to him is limiting his incentive to work things out with his wife. It sounds like your "friendship" may be intrusive.

BTW - what'sthe story he's giving you on the bleeding? Did he *say* she did it to him, and why?

[lovexlikexcance]

The thing I am worried about is whether or not your availability to him is limiting his incentive to work things out with his wife. It sounds like your "friendship" may be intrusive.

BTW - what'sthe story he's giving you on the bleeding? Did he *say* she did it to him, and why?

Yeah, sometimes I worry about that too. That just my being around is going to ruin things for them somehow. But he's a big boy, and I do trust that he'd make his own choices based on something more solid than just my availability.

As I'd said in another post, I've offered to maybe cut ties for a while. But he more or less begged me not to, and told me how bad that'd hurt and how bad he needs me. So as far as that goes, I really don't know what to do.

Seems sometimes like I'm really between a rock and hard place.

[vashti]

A married man ought not be talking to a single woman that way. Would you want YOUR husband to be talking like that to someone else?

I think you should back out of this so-called friendship because you have ulterior motives, and it sounds like he is up to no good. if he is unhappy with his wife, he should make the decision to leave her without your influence, and if he ever does, THAT is when it would be appropriate for you to pursue him.

[lovexlikexcance]

A married man ought not be talking to a single woman that way. Would you want YOUR husband to be talking like that to someone else?

I think you should back out of this so-called friendship because you have ulterior motives, and it sounds like he is up to no good.

lol If I had a husband I would kick his butt!! Well, maybe not. But I'd probably kind of wonder just how good of "friends" he truly was with with that person.

That's where it gets complicated, somewhat. Because while I try to be a good person - I do have a selfish side, like everyone else. And that side of me doesn't really care if he's up to no good, or if he leaves her, or even if he cheats on her. And while I know that's all really really bad, it's just how one part of me feels.

But, regardless - I can't, won't and never would step out on our friendship or cut ties with him if it wasn't something we both wanted or saw for the best.

[vashti]

All right, then. Just remember: you reap what you sow. When he rips your heart out, just remember that you had it coming.

[lovexlikexcance]

All right, then. Just remember: you reap what you sow. When he rips your heart out, just remember that you had it coming.

Good point. You know, he asked me once why it seems like sometimes he makes me "sad". I told him first of all, he doesn't make me sad, I get sad on my own. But secondly.. My choices, my heart, and therefor my pain is my own. I've been through a few relationships and few really bad relationship crashes and one thing I've learned is that no one is ever going to put my through anything that I didn't first open myself up to.

[misombra]

you're insane.