Need Advice!!! Please =(

[Brandyn]

Hey all, my name is Brandyn, im 22 years old. And i have a pretty big problem. My Fiancee and i started dating a little over 3 years ago, we got engaged 4 months into the relationship. Well the problem is that she cheated on me about a month ago. with her ex boyfriend from high school that always used to beat her. And it wasnt just a kiss either. She had sex with him. I just found out yesterday when she confessed to me. She says that she really doesnt know why she did it, she says she has no attraction for him and doesnt even like him at all. she said that she was confused about us and she was angry with me. After she put it all out on the table for me and told me everything. When she confessed all of this to me, she said that she cant lose me, and wants a second chance. I can see in here eyes when she looks and me that she feels horrible about it. But how do i really know that she will never do this again. Does it get better as time goes on. I chose to give her a second chance..Because we have been together for 3 years and i love her more than anything in the world. Does this pain ever stop? I feel so horrible, i cant eat, i cant sleep, i just cry...i cant stop thinking about it. It has only been a day since i found out. There are so many things that i dont understand though, like why would she run back to the guy that always use to beat her and force sex out of her? Like i said..she said she doesnt know why she did it. I really want to forgive and forget. And i really want to try to work this out, Because i love her so much, and 3 years is a long time to love someone, and then just shut it off. She says she still loves me and wants to work it out with me. but im so scared,hurt,and betrayed. Am i making the right decision by giving her a second chance? I am following my heart, and my heart is saying to forgive, But i just cant forget. I dont know if i ever will be able to forget. So if anyone has been through something similiar or if you have any advice at all for me i would greatly appreciate it. Thanks.

[ExpoNovak]

I've actually been through something similiar. We weren't engaged, but it had crossed my mind. Either way, I'd never so much as looked at another woman and ye olde girlfriend gets smashed and sleeps with some guy she used to know her hometown.

Now, I loved her and was determined that I was going to forgive her and we were going to move on with our relationship. However...I couldn't get it off the brain. Every time I looked at her smiling, laughing, talking, all I could think about was her naked in bed with some other guy. It interferred with my schoolwork and made my life sheer hell. Eventually it dawned on me that if I was going to hurt this bad that I might as well be spending that time healing other than reopening the wound--which is what I was doing every time I talked to her and spent time with her. I told her I needed some space. Since she was the one who'd committed the indiscretion, she really couldn't deny my request.

So during my "break" I didn't call her, didn't talk to her, didn't see her, NOTHING. I thought about her a lot, but knowing that theoretically I *could* contact her if I wanted to helped a lot. That was my detox. By the end of two months I felt better--but I knew that if I tried to patch things up with her or contact her in any way I'd be right back to square one.

I didn't want to go back to square one.

And inside, of course, was that seeping knowledge that while I'd been purifying myself of her poison she was out there with her friends partying and doing who knows what in my absence. Later on I met the girl I'm with now and realize that I am much better off. Plus, had I stayed with that girl we'd probably still be trying to make it work and I wouldn't have the healthy and very fulfilling relationship that I have now.

It's up to you how you want to work this, but I've played that game and couldn't get past the cheating. Just be glad she did this BEFORE you guys were married. She saved you an expensive divorce.

[Brandyn]

Thats how i feel also, i find myself sitting here thinking about what position they did it in, what the place setting was like. i cant stop thinking about it, and it hurts so bad. i want to get through it but i dont know if i will ever be able to forget about it and stop mentioning it around her. im always asking ?'s about if because it hurts so bad that i dont know why. But anyway thanks for your response. i guess i just have some big decisions that i need to make.

[Gigabitch]

So you've been engaged for two years and eight months?

Care to explain what she was confused about?

I don't think there is ANY excuse for cheating, and I think your relationship will suffer for this and is probably doomed, but I'd love to know about this extremely long engagement.

[Brandyn]

Well, we got engaged the after 4 months of dating. We knew each other for about 3 years before we got together. She comes from a totally different family than i do. Her family is high maintanence and wants her husband to be rich and have a huge house so she can be a stay at home mom. My family isnt poor but but we arent the richest people in the world either. Well my family believes that if you really love someone then nothing else matters. And thats also what i believe. I am currently in the police academy to become a state trooper. And that isnt good enough for her. she says that being a cop wont make enough money for her to be a stay at home mom. Now i do still live at home, until i get out of school. But she moved into my families and my house because things were rough with her parents and her. my mom took her in and fed her, and supplied everything for her. While she was living with me the relationship was great, Everyday we had fun and laughed, she loved being with me. well after 2 years of her living with me, she moved back with her parents because she missed them. She only missed them buying her stuff, thats what they did to get her to move back in, they just showered her with gifts. And told her that if she moves back with them they will supply all of her needs and buy her anything she wants. Well she chose to leave and it want went to hell from there, Because when she is at home, she acts like i am nothing, she acts like she doesnt even give a **** about me. And thats what hurts so bad, because i love her more than anything in the world, and i dont want to lose her but this is where the next problem just came in. After i found out she cheated i did give her a second chance. She begged and cried for it, so i gave in because i could tell in her eyes that she really was sorry for what she did. well today she pulls some more shit on me, she says that she doesnt know if she can be with me because of how guilty she feels. And second, she wont even kiss me, she says she feels to guilty of what she did and she wont be intimate at all with me, well that kind of makes me feel that she doesnt love me anymore. And then today she said that she also doesnt know if she wants a boyfriend right now. She wants to live the free life, so i told her to get the **** out and stay the **** away from me, because if she can do this to me like 3 days after i find out she cheats and i give a second chance. **** that.

[CAM]

I feel bad for you--the person totally broke your heart in a way tyouhat can't be forgiven.

Has it happened to me? Well....I'm not proud to say it...but, I was the ****er that was screwing the financee....while she was talking to him on the phone. Poor Douglas...his soon-to-be betrothed was unfortunately getting porked by youthful Cameron. I regret it, mainly because she wasn't worth my time...of course, she wasn't worth his time either. Not to worry, though. She's a spinster now.

[CAM]

Her name was Danica (or something like that). Isn't that terrible? I can't even remember her name. Just that she had flabbest breasts I'd ever seen and I was so young, I figured that her being with me was good enough. Stupid.

Anyway, I feel sorry that your partner did that to you.

[vashti]

Wow, good thing you didn't get married yet, Brandyn. You can consider her a bullet dodged. Really think before you do something crazy (like take her back). You are so young, you will be meetng a nice girl you can trust before you know it.

(BTW - I consider people to be truly engaged when there is a ring and a date. Try to avoid this "engaged to be engaged" stuff.)

[Gigabitch]

Dude, you bent over backwards for her. Some girls never even meet a guy as sweet as you. Please try to stay that way. I think you should cut contact with her. She's only going to scar you and make you bitter, and you want to protect your heart so that it will be whole for the girl that really deserves you.

[angell123]

Man, honestly if I were you I would be really pissed off! She gave on your trust! My advice might sound a little cold to you but a serious relationship can not has such fractures! How can you trust her anymore?Always don't forget that you are a man and if you show weakness you might burn yourself! My advice is:
Break up with her to show her that this is serious! Leave her for a few days, a week or more.If she really loves you she will do whatever it takes to get you back and will never do the same mistake to you! I know this might sound cruel to some but that is what I would do. It's just an opinion and it's not an easy task!

[tigs]

my opinion is simple, ditch her. though i suppose you should take my thoughts with a grain of salt. i've never been cheated on.

don't try to get revenge, or talk it out, or explain, or understand. just cut her off cold, don't even tell her its over. just forget her existence. hang up when she calls, delete and don't return her messages, block her numbers/email if you can. don't say a word to her.

anyone worth being with has the sense enough to not have consensual sex when they are commited to someone else. there aren't excuses for this. i know people get hurt, confused, and mixed up about their feelings. there are grey areas when it comes to feelings. but when it comes to actions it's all black and white. she wasn't forced or tricked. ultimately she made the decision to cheat on you. it's that simple, and imo, if you respect yourself you'll brush her off like so much dust.

that girl either doesn't care about you or doesn't have her head screwed on straight. either way she's not worth being with.

[Maybelline]

Heh so many of you guys are bad mouthing her, yet I give her a lot of credit about being upfront and honest about her mistakes. If she didn't care about your relationship or you, she could've just went into your relationship silently w/out you ever knowing. Knowing that she confessed to you just proves to you that she does care not to lose you. People do stupid things when they are confused and make stupid choices, but we as human, just have to forgive and have a little more faith in the individual. Sure, I don't say what she did wasn't wrong, it is wrong, but the point of the matter is, she confessed to you and didn't try to hide it from you. That alone should prove the point. Second chances are never easy to give out, but I feel what you did is correct. I hope you aren't just doing it because you're engaged but because you truly love her. No person is perfect, as human, we will always make mistake if not now, maybe later.

The benefit of doubt.."Will she do it again?" will always hang around and this is where you two just need to sit down and lay down some ground rules.

[vashti]

I disagree, Maybelline. Life is short. Why start your adult life this way? She has already given herself permission to be disloyal, and it becomes easier (not harder) the next time she feels like making a stupid choice. I understand trying to force a fit when you have more invested (like children), but when you are only dating? No way. It really isn't that hard to keep your pants on.

[Maybelline]

Meh, in the world we live in nowadays, it's hard to find someone whom is loyal and honest. What I'm saying is, better her letting you know then finding it out from someone else.