One big mess...ideas?

[BrokenPieces]

I've been very confused on something for almost 10 months now, and I'm hoping to get some opinions on the subject. I apologize for the length in advance, but believe it or not I'm already cutting out a lot.

First of all, I'm 17, and I met a 19-year-old guy last year who I'll call "Jay" while I was still 16. The short version of how we met is that I met him at a video store where he works. I found out by a friend that he was interested in me, and I took an interest in him (which my friend told him later). I got to be friends with him and hung out with him along with my friends every week. My friend said that while he was interested in me, the only part he wasn't sure on is if it could work due to my age. She also asked him what his previous relationships were like and he said he tended to jump into things too quickly and learned to be friends first.

The first time we hung out with him a friend who I'll call "Melanie" came along. Well, my so called "friend" took an interest in him and they started dating. It wasn't too long until they were boyfriend and girlfriend, but my friends and I still hung out with them weekly. It made no sense to me because he still seemed interested in me. He was playful, did things to get my attention a lot, and was constantly staring at me. And then one time while we were all at my house he started asking me some questions as soon as Melanie left the room: What did my parents think of him, (this was the first time they had met him) were they strict about boys, etc. At that point it seemed to me like he was either just using Melanie since she invited him to everything I was going to or he was keeping his options open in case it didn't work out with her. Especially because she said she had to plan all her dates with him; he never initiated anything with her, and she made most the calls/texts. He wasn't affectionate with her when I was around, and when she asked him about it he said he "didn't want to bother me since I liked him".

After about a month he broke up with her. He told her it was due to distance, (she lived about 40 min. away) and when she moved into town for college maybe they could get back together. She tried remaining friends with him and keeping up contact, but he never responded to her. Then he started contacting me one plans and he’d still ask what was going on even if Melanie already told him and tried to invite him to something. He came a few times, and then he stopped coming, saying it was because of work - but he never stopped asking and making it sound like he'd come. After about 2 months of that he said "We need to hang out." I said we did and that I didn't even know his work schedule anymore, but it was left at that at the time.

Quite a bit later I stopped into the video store where he works to pick something up, and he saw me. He was in a very good mood; All smiles. (Noteworthy since he usually hides his emotions) The next day he wanted to hang out so we went to go see a movie. After that he started talking to me about every other day and we hung out every week.
Melanie came up in a conversation once, and he said he was trying to be nice when he broke up with her, but he just didn't want to stay in the relationship and didn’t want to get back together with her. He said she always did things to get attention and she could be catty sometimes, and overall sounded like she got on his nerves and he couldn't take it anymore. (I later found out from his friends that he had said the same thing to them, so it wasn’t just me) Which I didn't blame him; what he said about her is true. She's pulled a lot of crap with me so I didn't consider her a friend at that point.

I still wasn't sure about him or what he wanted exactly, though, so I almost always let him contact me and set things up. A lot of uncertainty was due to him seeming like he was messing with me sometimes. He would never call me back like he said he would and canceled plans a lot. I thought of just dropping contact from him completely several times, but I decided I'd cut him some slack since he has family problems and it could be I didn't know the full picture.
It was also hard since I never knew where we stood...He always picked me up, (I can't drive yet though, so it's a given really...) and paid for it, despite my offering. Sometimes it seemed obvious that he liked me…but yet it still wasn’t in a way, since we weren't really getting anywhere either.

Then my friend tells me she talked to a friend of his, and he said that Jay was trying hard to get on my good side since he really wanted to date me. While I wasn't surprised, it confused me by the way he was acting. Because, frankly, if he was thinking he was getting on my good side by not calling me back and making up excuses, I'd hate to see what he'd do if he was trying to get rid of me!
Now, despite trying to hide it, he is insecure and immature, so I don't know if that was partly why he never made it quite clear.

Anyway, for about 2 1/2 months we were fine, until one day I stopped hearing from him. At first I just thought he was busy with work since he had just came back from vacation, so I didn't think anything of it. Then about a week goes past, and still nothing. So I texted him to see what he was up to, to which he said he was at work.
I then invited him to come over, and he came. I also asked him if he wanted to do laser tag and he never replied, but a few days later he then asked ME if I wanted to do it. I thought it was odd though in that he said I'd have to meet him there that time. Later on I found out that he was meeting other friends there, (which would've been nice to know, heh) so I'm not sure if that's why he wanted me to meet him there or if he really didn't want to come pick me up. When I saw him though everything seemed fine and he was in a really good mood.
After that though I stopped hearing from him again. So I texted him one time but then left it at that in case he was just messing around and wanted me to contact him.

Over a month had passed with neither of us talking. I couldn't help but be curious how he'd react if he saw me, so I went to the movie store. He came up behind me and tickled me, (?!) and then looked worried and asked how I was. We talked for a minute and then he got back to work. While he was ringing me up he mentioned that he had gotten accepted to a college out of state and was leaving in January.

After that, I didn't hear anything from him for several weeks until I suddenly get a text from him saying that he was sorry for not talking to me lately but he's been busy and has had a lot on his mind lately. I didn't believe it but I just said "Ok...I was kinda wondering" and asked if everything was alright, and he said it was.
Afterwards I got a call from my friend and she said that she had talked to him and thought she knew what was up; She said he misses Melanie and sounded like he wanted to get back together with her. Which made no sense since he's leaving in January...there isn't any point in starting a relationship. But anyway, he contacted my friend since Melanie moved in to town for college and she's Melanie's roommate. He said he's contacted her but she hasn't really been talking to him, and basically was looking to my friend for help. She got mad and said he needs to stop messing with us, 'cause Melanie found out that we were hanging out and has been trying to move on, and I've been wondering why he fell off the face of the planet. He said there was nothing going on between us and that he's just been "busy". She told him he should tell me he's just been busy because I didn't know what the deal was. Thus, his sudden text.

After that I got pissed...I texted him and we went back and forth until he called me. I came clean on pretty much everything; how it seemed like he was messing with Melanie and me, what everybody's been mad about with him, etc. He said he wasn't messing with us, and that he missed Melanie and if she wouldn’t get back together with him he at least wanted to make things right with her since she wasn’t talking to him. He also said "You do know we’re just friends right?" I said yeah, but it just seemed like he was going back and forth between us. Really I almost said "Um....no, we're not," but I didn't want to come off as just being jealous about him wanting to get back together with her, because I just didn't like being used if that's what he was doing. I did however mention that my friend thought he was messing with me because she had heard from his friend that he wanted to date me, which was hilarious, because he sounded horrified that my friend knew his and quickly changed the subject. So he was busted on that one but I never got any answers on it. We talked for a while and sort of got things sorted out to where I would still be talking to him, but I wasn't sure what to think so I was going to keep my distance. He's been contacting me some recently though and said we need to hang out.

He did manage to contact Melanie, and she just said she had a lot going on right now so she couldn't deal with it, but agreed they needed to talk. Really she had no intention of getting back together with him and soon started dating someone. She never said anything more to him past that, so recently he asked me what was new with her and everybody, and I told him. I don't know what he thinks on her now or if he still wants to talk to her at all.

So my question is this: Does anyone have any opinions on what his deal is, and why he's been behaving this way? I thought he was just a jerk for a while, but now I'm thinking he's just flat out confused and doesn't know what he wants. Some people have thought I didn’t show enough interest since he was the one always contacting me until the end there, but if I kept doing things with him he had to know I was interested, right?

[Stirfry]

He sounds like a guy that loves to flirt and doesn't think before he acts on it. He's hot one minute, cold the next. He probably does this to many girls. You're probably right, he doesn't know what he wants. If you want some advice, I'd say don't waste your time on him. Nobody likes mind games \ _ /

[Gigabitch]

So my question is this: Does anyone have any opinions on what his deal is, and why he's been behaving this way? I thought he was just a jerk for a while, but now I'm thinking he's just flat out confused and doesn't know what he wants.

It doesn't matter what his deal is. What matters is that you're getting jerked around. Don't focus on WHY, focus on WHAT and make a decision about whether or not it's acceptable to you.

Some people have thought I didn’t show enough interest since he was the one always contacting me until the end there, but if I kept doing things with him he had to know I was interested, right?

If he really wanted you, he'd be pursuing you, IMO.

[ExpoNovak]

Okay *cracks knuckles* let me enlighten you.

If Melanie was sleeping with him, then he is missing the regular bootie and you weren't putting out quickly enough to suit his needs. Sounds to me like he wants a dating/friends relationship in which his needs can be fulfilled while still being able to say "But we're just friends". Follow me? This allows Mr. Nice Guy some variety and guys love variety.

If a chick was doing my friend dirty to get to me there is no way in hell I would date her. No way. If there was any possibilty that he was using your friend to get to you then you should have known better in the first place, honestly.

I still say strings-free sex is at the root of all this though, in which case you're better off knowing. Sounds like you guys "dated" for a while without anything really getting physical. This wasn't quick enough for him so he moved to pastures where he could get some quicker bang for his buck. Simple and economical.

And you deserve better.

[BrokenPieces]

He sounds like a guy that loves to flirt and doesn't think before he acts on it. He's hot one minute, cold the next. He probably does this to many girls.

You're right there. He's definitely a flirt, and he's incredibly impulsive and reckless with what he says and does to where he even admits he reacts to things without thinking.

It doesn't matter what his deal is. What matters is that you're getting jerked around. Don't focus on WHY, focus on WHAT and make a decision about whether or not it's acceptable to you.

If he really is just a "friend" that I talk to from time to time I might be able to deal with him, but past that...no, I don't need someone who's so erratic, even if for whatever reason I still like him in a way.

I still say strings-free sex is at the root of all this though, in which case you're better off knowing. Sounds like you guys "dated" for a while without anything really getting physical. This wasn't quick enough for him so he moved to pastures where he could get some quicker bang for his buck. Simple and economical.

I wondered if it could be that also...but him and Melanie never slept together. I don't get the impression that he even tried to, but I can't say for sure, so it could be that he wasn't getting anywhere with her and went to me with even less luck, but knew she would at least be affectionate with him and wanted that back.
If he was that kind of guy though I think he would've tried getting physical with me instead of expecting me to make the first move...but I dunno, I'm not a guy so I can't say, lol, and you certainly have a point.

Thanks to everyone who's replied so far, all the feedback's helpful!

[IndiReloaded]

Giga already said what he's doing doesn't matter, & I agree. What is it that you want, Broken?

And I hate to say the obvious, but he's a horny teenager. Most teenage girls mature sooner than their boyfriends. So don't expect much more than this and you won't be disappointed. Don't take anyone too seriously for at least another 5 years or so. At least.

[BrokenPieces]

Giga already said what he's doing doesn't matter, & I agree. What is it that you want, Broken?

I basically just want to have a better understanding for the way guys think. So I'd like to get opinions on this, and why he just stopped doing things with me. For instance, if it wasn't moving along fast enough, why didn't he move it along? I know he has it in him. So was it something like ExpoNovak said in that he still wanted to call us "friends" while seeing what I'd be like to date, and then decided I wasn't for him?

Sure, I shouldn't care why...but I have a curious personality, and I'm just curious since I've never encountered this, and would like to know how to even react to him now. (I know it wouldn't be a good idea to have anything past a friendship even if he was interested again, but I mean how much contact I should even have...)

[Gigabitch]

I can't really understand how friendship could be possible with your history. Walk away, Renee.

This isn't a journey into the Mind of the Male. It's a rollercoaster ride into the psyche of a hurtful, emotionally inept ass. Don't blame that on gender. He's an asshole. Those come in both male and female, and they just plain suck.

Quit making excuses for your continued interest. Recognize it for the unhealthy tendency it is and stop it at once.

[BrokenPieces]

I wasn't blaming it on gender, I just meant that men and women think differently, whether they're assholes or not, which is why I wanted a different perspective.

I haven't talked to him lately and I don't plan to, which I just decided really. I've gone back and forth, but the negative feelings about him have came back out lately.
Thanks for the advice.

[LoveDestiny]

Sometimes acceptance is the strongest kind of love. Accept him, accept the situation, accept that you cannot be with him right now even though you love him. I think that will make the situation very beautiful in the end. Somebody that loves someone else and accepts to not get any love in return, that's big! Such persons are very charming! Be that girl!

[Michael6084]

here's an idea: find a BETTER guy. trust me, there is a guy who would truly like to hang with you and is probably wondering why you're still somewhat into him.

but...if you need to learn the hard way, try to get with him and experience why he isn't the type of guy to be around firsthand.