the end - new beginning - death - and new birth....

[BillyGalbreath]

well - its been almost 4 months (6 days until 4 months) since Destine left me - i am still single - i am still lonely - i am still hurting.

I have gained so many things since that day, but yet I still feel like I have gained nothing. Only lost more and more of myself each day that has passed.

You all know what happened - you know my past - Today, someone that would have known me 4 years ago, and then never saw me again until today, would say that I am less, I have less, from then to now. My life was low when I started. I was an outcast. A nobody. Yeah, everyone knew who I was, they may not have liked me, but at least my name was well known. Now no one knows me - most ppl from my past have forgotten me. Others just dont want anything to do with me. (btw - me and andira stopped talking for some reason - i am just waiting for her to call me - i wont call her) I have no friends still. But this time no one knows me. And before, I had a "g/f" that we held hands and made out all the time... but now I dont even have that.

I have gained a well respectable job. Pay is great, hours are great, location is great. Even my bosses/co-workers are great. So in this area it is a plus in my life. I hoped it was a great start - but it seems very unlikely now.

I cant seem to meet new ppl anywhere. I go to the batting cages, I take my son to the park often, I try to talk to ppl in stores or somewhere and start up conversations, I even look online. But nuthin ever goes anywhere.

I said last week soemtime that I hated God and he was punishing me and teasing me asnd toying with my life. But in fact it is myself that I hate. It is this being that I have become. This freak. Outcast. Nobody. I was here once before and was very suicidal. Then I was brought out of my depression by someone. Robin. She saved my life you could say. But now everything just lead me right back to where I started. And this time I am even lower than before.

I now know something I didn't know before, however. Everyone always say God wont give you more than you cant handle. Well this is one of those situations. He isn't teasing me, or toying with my life. But he is preparing me. Preparing me for the future. For what is comming my way. And if I am not ready for it, it may just pass me right by.

God will help you throughout your entire life. In some spots of your life it may require more work than others. When there is alot of work to be done he will isolate you from the world. He will help to shape your character by throwing things at you one by one. Big things that will hurt. They will knock you on your ass. But just like in the military, you have to get up and keep moving forward to the next obstacle in the course. This builds character. Strong character. It shapes the very being that you are. And if you are not totaly alone while doing this, it will not work. Throughout the entire Bible there have been many ppl that God has set out on journeys to be alone while he helped shape them. How about that guy that was alone in the desert for 40 years ?

God will keep you in this place until you are ready. Until you have opened your eyes and learned. Have prevailed. When you are ready for what is comming then it will happen. But to be able to prevail, you must surrender. You must give in. You must have faith. Let go. Fall. It will happen sooner or later. So just get it over with.

Saturday night was my surrender night. I was laying on my back on the floor trying to catch my breath from moving and stretching carpet in my sister's room. Then it just hit me. Out of no where. BAM !!! I was alone. Trapped within my own mind, I am alone. No one is near me. Only me, and God.

I cant explain to you exactly what I saw or felt, because for one thing, every person is different and no one feels the exact same abnout certain things. So you all will know what I am talking about when your time has come, if it hasnt already.

But that very second. The second that my eyes dialated as I starred into the light in the ceiling, and all my muscles relaxed and became untense, and my backbone popped at every joint and stretched out and then lay perfectly flat against the floor. The moment that I hit total relaxation. The moment God touched my soul and relaxed my wondering soul. The moment I reached out and grabbed his hand as he pulled me from the world I was in and showed me this world. The real world. The world I have been running from for 4 years and then was lost from as I tried to find a way back. That is the second that I gave in. I let go of the past. I forgave everyone and everything. I released all burden and just let go.

that night I slept the best I had ever slept before. I did not see my past, and I did not look to the future. I am here. Nowhere else. And I can see it now. Yes I remember my past. But it is all forgiven. I no longer long for the future, or the to be's. But I live for now. Here and now. For my son and me. No one else matters. For this is MY time. this is my time to HEAL. to GROW. to PREVAIL.

This is my suffering. My pain. My course. My choice. My life. My D-Day and my B-Day. My End and my Beginning. My awakening.

No one can stand in my way now! For I WILL prevail !!!