Hello there - need guy advice!

[tinks79]

Hello, I am new here but I need some male advice about a man!

Bit of back ground....before this relationship I only had 2 - both lasted 3.5-4 years. I had a very hard time with the last one - kept leaving and coming back (4 times I think).I was studying for my PhD but when I finished I moved down to England to be closer to him (he moved 1 year before). It never worked out though...we split up in February.

Anyway, I met a new guy in June this year. He is lovely and I really like him. 2 years older than me, close to his family, good job and own house. He asked me out and for the first few months was always the one asking me out etc. He lives about 1 hour away but often works in this area so we saw each other 1-2 times a week. He met my mum and sister after 3 weeks as they were visiting (I didnt push that - he volunteeed). They thought he was great - as did I. We are both very similar....quiet and reserved but with a good sense of humour. We got on well, never argued. Sex was great too. I met a few of his friends/colleagues as he asked me along, he met my colleagues too.

After the first 6 - 8 weeks or so I started going up to his house once a week and he would come here one night. He had a lot of weddings/stag do's so we fitted our time together round his plans. He always called from the weddings or stag do's though.

In mid September I went home for 10 days so we never saw each other. I was back only 5 days before going away with my job for 10 days to America. He phoned and texted frequently when I was home...his friend spoke to me on the phone one night too. He made a coment and said "he loves you you know, although he doesn't tell you" and "make sure you look after him"! To which I replied "of course I will". They were drunk when they called but I always think people speak the truth when drunk. I was so happy to hear he might love me! Wondered what the "look after him" comment meant though.

I only saw him once when I was back before heading off to USA. That night I really wasn't feeling well and he was very tired so we watched tv and cuddled up before having an early night...no sex (he was very understanding and concerned I wasnt well, so never tried).I appologised the next day and said it wasnt how I had imagined the night....I had been looking forward to it.

Then I went off to USA. He called before I left to tell me to have a good time. I text every couple of days from USA. He replied...sometimes immediately, sometimes a day later. I sent a text on the last day asking if we could meet up sat or sun when I got back. He said he was free sunday. So I text on Sat night to say I was back safetly and did he want me to meet the next day. No reply. He text on sunday morning to say he had gone for a round of golf (as he usually does on a sunday morning) and would call when finished. I text saying that was fine. By 5 pm I text asking if he was still golfing?

At 7pm I got a text from him saying "Just back. No easy way of saying this but I don't think things are working out between us. I am just not good at relationships these days for some reason. Sorry". I called but no answer. He text back saying "he was no good at these things and a massive wimp obviously". I txt asking him to answer the phone...which he did. We spoke only for 5 mins....mainly small talk about golf and my trip. Said he knew I wouldnt understand but he has committment issues and didnt want to string me along if he couldnt give me what I deserve. Said there was no one else though. Anyway I asked if we could meet up for coffee as I didn't want to end it like this. He said he would be in my town week after next so we could meet up for food/coffee. That was 1 week ago so he should meet me next week. I have resisted contacting him all week but today I slipped and sent him a text at lunchtime - I just asked how his week was going...just a friendly message...no mention of meeting up or anything. No reply.

Now I dont know what to do. I really really like him and I know he likes me. I think he is scared or something...I don't know his history but sounds to me like has been hurt and now scared? Kind of like me I guess. What do you think? I wish he would open up to me...I know I need to open up to him more too. If I could just meet up with him! Now I don't know what to do. Should I wait for him to contact me to arrange a time for next week? Or should I call and arrange it? He might never contact me again if I don't do something...but I dont want to look pushy and scare him more. Does anyone have a clue what is going on in his head as it seem so out of character? Any help would be appreciated.

(p.s. sorry that was so long!)

[Michael6084]

he probably needs to find himself and gain something. he should be able to do it but he's looking on the bad side of things. i dont know him or anything, but what he should do is look at whatever past that hurts him and become stronger from it. he isnt dead obviously and he's a living and breathing human. whatever happened is done and he's got a new person: you.

but i think if i were you, i'd let him know that it's not HIS fault that things didnt work out in his favor if he happened to be a "wimp" because of past relationships. and you could use yourself for an example to just talk to him too. you say you've been kinda hurt and somewhat scared? you're still here and you want to hang with him more. you could use that to give him more assurance and make him feel more comfortable.

the bad thing may be that he probably truly isn't a wimp but he "likes" to feel sorry for himself too. but first try those things and then see what his reaction is. assure to him that whatever's bad that was in the past is in the past and you're a new beginning and let him know that you're cool with it. you just gotta be creative with the thinking and how you talk to him about it. the fact is, is that he probably isnt a "wimp" but he dated the wrong type of girls...i'd say the more controlling ones and he probably sucked up to them.

but we dont know until you assure him that it's okay and your a new breath of life to him and you're a new woman.

[CAM]

For god's sake, do not assure him that it is not his fault that things didn't work out...that's BS to assign blame one way or the other in these things. Just by saying that its not his fault implies that it might be his fault--at least in his mind, as if you know what he's thinking. Just because he identified himself as wimping out on this, doesn't mean that he's blaming himself for anything...he's just trying to make the break smoothly.

Who knows why things ended for him. Don't think that opening up further at this point is a good idea--it isn't. From a guy's perspective, a woman who opens up emotionally post-break up is seen as schizo and desperate and that is not an attractive quality.

Plus, not to be rude, but you've "opened up" enough by having sex with him. See I don't get that concept... open up physically to catch the guy and then if he wanders, try opening up emotionally...an ass-backwards approach to serious relationships.

Know what I think? Chalk it up as a lesson to yourself. I have a ph.d., too. As a fellow ph.d. I can tell you that the degree says that you have a brain but it doesn't say that you are mature. I know lots of folks who are high school drop outs who are more savvy than fellow ph.d.'s.

Let it go. Dignified silence is an attractive quality in a woman. Desperation is not. You are not in a committed relationship with him and never were...so what you are fighting to save?

Like I said, learn from this experience.

[GrkScorp]

Now I dont know what to do. I really really like him and I know he likes me. I think he is scared or something...I don't know his history but sounds to me like has been hurt and now scared? Kind of like me I guess. What do you think? I wish he would open up to me...I know I need to open up to him more too. If I could just meet up with him! Now I don't know what to do. Should I wait for him to contact me to arrange a time for next week? Or should I call and arrange it? He might never contact me again if I don't do something...but I dont want to look pushy and scare him more. Does anyone have a clue what is going on in his head as it seem so out of character? Any help would be appreciated.

Well.. i'll tell you this.. sounds to me like you're both pretty young.. so chances are.. he sucks are telling whether you're interested in him or not.. and that's mostly YOUR FAULT!!!... yes.. guys are stupid.. but seriously.. so are girls.. Have you ever noticed that when you see someone you like.. all of a sudden you go through this (omg.. don't look.. did he see me look at him.. omg.. I hope he didn't see that.. I don't want him to think that I like him.. omg.. I shouldn't say anything that will be so obvious.. omg. omg. omg.. omg..).. seriously.. OMG!! you make no sense.. if you like someone.. you like them.. end of story.. have you ever sad down and realized how sad & pathetic it is that you play this coy with yourself..?

Anyway.. So, you've at least admitted to yourself that you haven't been open with you.. good.. Acceptance is the first & hardest part.. so now.. YOU have to call him.. because HE thinks that you don't care about him (are not interested).. Now.. before you tell yourself (omg! me call him.. oh no!! i think i'm going to die..!!).. relax.. be a woman.. and give him a call.. it's a phone call.. it's not a marriage contract.. sheesh.. ask to meet up.. and your solution is as simple as that.. don't make things more complicated that they are..

[GrkScorp]

I can only say that people are reading your post, but may not know what to suggest. I certainly don't. I think, from a guy's perspective; you're doing what you can and doing it right. It may not always work out. On the other hand, I'm hammered & have pretty poor ideas about relationships in general.

funny.. lol..

[IndiReloaded]

Let it go. Dignified silence is an attractive quality in a woman. Desperation is not. You are not in a committed relationship with him and never were...so what you are fighting to save?

Like I said, learn from this experience.

+1

To see how bad it can get, check out this thread:

[url]http://www.loveforum.net/love-advice-forum/19381-what-went-wrong.html[/url]

[Gigabitch]

Wow. This thread is over a week old and I didn't see it.

Okay, tinks, what the hell are you doing? He picks up the phone after ****ing breaking up with you by text message and you....chit chat? About golf? Really?

He's dumping you and all you can do is keep sitting there with your leash in your mouth like a well-trained dog. No, tinks. No. This is bullshit. Yes, he's getting cold feet. You're handing him socks.

Whatever the outcome, you need to respect yourself more than this. I'm not saying you should freak out, but what's up with the cordiality? Are you pretty sure he would leave you if you had any kind of emotional display? Well, guess what: he already left you. He might be a lovely man, but he's a great big twat in my book. The least he could do is give you an explanation.

[GrkScorp]

Hello, I am new here but I need some male advice about a man!

I mean seriously.. why are u even bothering to write this.. no matter what.. if you're looking for MALE-ONLY advice.. you can rest easy knowing that 21096751890764518976451892645 women on loveforum are going to come in and give you their 2-cents about what they think..

But there's this nifty little feature that allows you to see which ones are actually males.. so you know to take advice from people which can at least read, and are considerate enough to respect the specific wishes of others such as yourself : )

Honestly.. just give him a call.. seriously.. worst thing that can happen.. well.. nothing really.. worst thing that can happen is that you realized that he's not into you.. [if that's the case].. and move on.. seriously.. it's that simple.. there's nothing to be scared about.. think about it.. nobody's life is on the line.. nobody's financial future is at risk here.. it's just very simple.. hey.. (casual blah blah.. determine if you like me..).. if he doesn't.. move on.. simple..

[Gigabitch]

The way I read it, she needed advice about a guy.

Grk, maybe you've never messed up and had to have your girl clarify the way things stand. I've done this. It really works. It's called the "come to Jesus" talk, and it's gold.

[GrkScorp]

The way I read it, she needed advice about a guy.

Grk, maybe you've never messed up and had to have your girl clarify the way things stand. I've done this. It really works. It's called the "come to Jesus" talk, and it's gold.

I've messed up.. in high school.. and after that.. I learned.. and i'm very aware that most guys have an enormous obsticle to get over before they can finally learn to understand women... thier ego..

Yes, most of my friends are women.. and i've had to sit down with them.. and analyze for hours how their date went, what it means, how to act.. and i've realized.. women are just generally nervous.. I mean.. I know my guy friends.. for instance.. here's an example.. "paying for dinner"...

The bill comes.. they guy will pull out his wallet.. then the girl will pretend to offer to pay.. "oh no.. please.. are you sure.. aww thank you.. :smile:".. Now.. in the guy's head, he's thinking (i don't want her to think i'm cheap.. society gives guys all this pressure to pay.. so i'm going to pay..) that's it.. plain and simple.. women however think.. (omg, he offered to pay, how sweet, this probably means he likes me..).. A friend of mine, Tiffany, did the mistake of aggressively insisting on paying.. This actually just scared the guy into thinking.. (ok, she just wants to pay, don't push it).. When he didn't insist on paying.. she came home.. called me up and started crying.. telling me that she thought the guy didn't like her..

Two days later.. she called him back.. like I asked her to.. she told him sorry for last night when the bill came.. "made up an excuse about a rough day at work".. and asked him if he was doing anything that weekend.. Well.. that weekend.. they were officially a couple.. and have been going out ever since..

I'll be honest.. there's serious miscommunication between the two sexes.. Guy's don't bother to analyze at all.. while women tend to OVERANALYZE thinking that men do some analyzing of their own, which they don't.. The only reason i've been (fortunate, not free-of-mistakes).. is because I guess i've had alot of female friends growing up.. and got to be comfortable around women and see how they think.. and in turn come to think much the same way.. "No, i'm not gay, I have a girlfriend, I like women, and I'm not sexually attracted to men"..

But in this case.. I honestly believe that the original poster just gave the guy the wrong signals (making him think she's not interested), by being a little too conservative with her actions.. So, while she still has the chance, and not alot of time has gone by.. she should give him a call.. ask to meet up.. seem friendly and flirty.. and start giving more ACTIVE and OBVIOUS signals.. men are dumb.. and boys are dumber.. so do not try to be politically correct, socially subtle, etc.. just let him know..